Critique my poem plz!

[SyphyChan]

THIS TOPIC IS NO LONGER RUNNING

[Taleweaver]

Before I write anything else...

do you want a comment, or do you want a critique?

[Wright1000]

It needs work on it's punctuation.

[Taleweaver]

It needs work on it's punctuation.

So do you.

It's <> its

[Wright1000]

It needs work on it's punctuation.

So do you.

It's <> its

It is not wrong to use "it's."
It differs from place to place.

[Taleweaver]

It needs work on it's punctuation.

So do you.

It's <> its

It is not wrong to use "it's."
It differs from place to place.

In this case, it is wrong. You can only use "it's" instead of "it is". And in above sentence, it wouldn't make sense. Consider:
"It needs work on it is punctuation."
...see?

[Wright1000]

I see what you mean but it's still valid.
For example, if I say- I stole John's book.
It won't become: I stole John is book.
I agree with you, though. It doesn't look good with an apostrophe.
But, it is not invalid. Hope you will agree on that.
I've seen it being used in many books I've read.

[Taleweaver]

I see what you mean but it's still valid.
For example, if I say- I stole John's book.
It won't become: I stole John is book.
I agree with you, though. It doesn't look good with an apostrophe.
But, it is not invalid. Hope you will agree on that.
I've seen it being used in many books I've read.

Unfortunately, John's book -> his book.
Jane's book -> her book.
The dog's ball -> its ball. Not: It's ball. "It's" always means "it is". As a possessive pronoun, it is written "its".

[Rewritten Ennui]

Pfffffft... You two have gone way off topic, Taleweaver and Wright1000. If you want to continue your debate on the usage of "its" and "it's," then you should probably carry it into PMs. I'll withhold my own comment on the matter because I don't want to get mixed up in this >_>

But back to the poem. As far as I can tell, it's in free verse. And I'll be honest with you: I hate blank and free verse. I can go on with a rant about how much I hate them and why, but I won't. The actual content of the poem itself is touching, but stanza 3 seems completely out of place. It barely connects back to the poem and omitted the poem still stands fine by itself.
So that's my 2 cents on the matter. Feel free to read or ignore it.

[Elze]

I don't like free verse either haha. But that's my personal preference, mostly because too many teens have killed the "free verse" genre with their angsty poems. This reads more like verses for a song though. Is that what you were going for?

[Taleweaver]

Pfffffft... You two have gone way off topic, Taleweaver and Wright1000. If you want to continue your debate on the usage of "its" and "it's," then you should probably carry it into PMs. I'll withhold my own comment on the matter because I don't want to get mixed up in this >_>

Well, you're right about that... I was still waiting for vnlvuer to tell me whether it's a critique or a comment she wanted... but I think I can just as well do both. The comment first:

Your poem sounds very much to me as though it should have been the lyrics to a song, especially with the heavy use of repetition ("hey there", "my friend", "my dear friend"). It sounds very personal, very specific, without going into any detail, so I think your intention was to describe a situation which people can relate to. That works to some extent; maybe going for a more formulaic structure or actually following a rhyme scheme or at least a rhythm scheme could have increased the impact of it as your words alone only partially carry the emotion I believe you wanted to convey.

As for the critique - I've just decided to do that by PM.

[Wright1000]

I was still waiting for vnlvuer to tell me whether it's a critique or a comment she wanted...

She said "Critique my poem".

[Taleweaver]

^Rewritten Ennui.