In need of writing critique

[Blue Sky]

Alright, wertville told me that I should get some feedback, so here is an excerpt from the visual novel I am working on called The Perfect World. Please tell me your thoughts and suggestions. Not gonna lie; I'm nervous as hell, but please be completely honest.

It's 11: 36, and in a few moments I'll be dead.

It's weird, but I don't care at all. It's like I'm the hail falling from the sky, just about to hit the asphalt below. Once I fall, I'll be just a puddle on the ground.

I wish I had something to say. Last words, I guess.

Well, there is one thing I can say, but it certainly won't be Shakespeare.

I raise my longest finger up to the sky, ready to scream.

"Well, here I am God. Out here saying fuck you. I don't know how many times I prayed to you; it never helped. The only thing that ever helped me was myself!"

"D-don't say things like that... about the Lord."

I swerve my head around, only to see the vague figure of a girl standing a few yards away. "Oh, uh... hey." She heard all that?

"H-hi..." She looks down at her ratty sneakers and plays with her hands.

I wasn't expecting to have company at this time of night, especially not from a little girl.

"Um... are you waiting for the bus?"

She steps a bit closer, but I still can't see her face. "Yes..."

"... Then why don't you sit down?" She doesn't respond, instead holding the small cross at her neck.

"Come on, I don't bite."

Silence.

"Okay, I know what I said was... weird but it's storming out and you're just gonna stand there?"

She nods.

I've had enough. Pulling myself up from the bench, I march over to her and grab her hand. I can feel her entire body shaking with cold, her fingers numb beneath mine.

"God, are you even wearing a jacket? The hell's wrong with you it's fucking below zero out here and you're just gonna walk outside like it's nothing? I would never let my sister go out in weather like this unless she was in a snowsuit!"

For some reason, I can't stop shouting at her as I drag her over to the bus shelter.

"Here, have my coat. It'll at least warm you up some."

"Um... t-thank you."

As I hand it to her, I truly see her for the first time. Her hair is a dark brown, reaching all the way to her hips and her bangs hide her eyes almost completely. But her smile makes me do a double-take.

It's an uncertain smile, a small smile, but it is altogether familiar.

"Your name."

"Eh?"

"What's your name?" I almost shout, and she flinches.

"S-sarra. Just Sarra."

"I'm Levi."

She smiles again and finally slips into the coat.

She puts it on slowly, as if it were alien.

It fits her about as well as a potato sack.

"So what's a kid like you doing out here?"

"I'm waiting for a bus."

"I know that already! What I mean is, where are you going?"

She looks down at her feet again.

"... Away."

I sigh, and lean back against the glass. As a man, I can't let some young girl go off on her own. "If you really have to go out, at least let someone go with you."

"Do you mean t-that you want to come!? With me?" Her mouth is open in surprise.

"Yeah, that's kind of the point." She doesn't seem convinced.

"B-but don't you have plans?"

I hesitate for a second. "They can wait..."

Sarra's shoes slide against the sidewalk for awhile as she thinks.

"I... I guess it's okay."

With that tiny, almost inaudible phrase, we are bound together for the night.

We wait out the rest of the time without words.

--------

The bus is almost completely empty, save the driver and an older woman in the back. We sit ourselves down in the middle side by side. Thankfully buses in this city are free to minors.

"Where do you wanna go?"

Sarra looks up at me. She is sitting near the aisle, about as far away from me as she can get.

"There is... o-one place... but you wouldn't like it."

"It's fine - there aren't many places that I like, anyway."

"No, i-it's fine! I shouldn't have said anything!" She waves her hands around, blushing.

"No, really, I'm cool with it." Just what is this place?

"No, you'll be mad!"

"I'll put up with it."

"I don't want to go anymore!" Her voice has gone up a decibel.

"You don't have to be nice!"

"It's church!"

Her face is bright red and her hands come up to hide her head from view.

"I-it's church..." She says again, almost to herself.

"C-church...?"

She nods, not facing me.

God sure is a cheeky son of a bitch.

I sigh, and stare out the window. It's still hailing and I can't think of any other place to go...

"Alright. We'll go to church. Tell me when we get there." She gasps.

"O-okay..."

We sit there for another ten minutes before Sarra speaks again.

"I-it's this stop."

She stands up awkwardly and shuffles towards the front of the bus even though we are still in motion. She waits beside the bus driver until the vehicle shutters to a halt. The driver just stares at her oddly as she walks out.

I stand up and quickly follow her into the night. She is still there, on the sidewalk, and smiles meekly as I come towards her.

"Um... thanks for doing all of this, but... you don't have to come with me."

I can barely hear her above the sound of hail hitting the ground.

"No, it's... it's fine." I already came all the way across town for you; I'm not about to bail now.

"T-then, let's..." She trails off and starts down the sidewalk. I follow her. It's silent between us again as we make our way through the neighborhood, nearly every home dark inside, their occupants sleeping in nice warm beds as Sarra and I shiver with cold and the awkward tension between us.

Finally we reach our destination, a small brick building with a cross above. The church is surrounded by a tall rock wall on all sides. I start towards the entrance.

"Eh? Oh no, we aren't going inside."

"Why not?"

"At this time of night, it's closed."

"I... what!?" You mean we came all this way for nothing!?

"Ah... I'm sorry... I just feel at peace here, so..."

She looks down at her feet, shivering horribly, holding back tears. Seeing that... I can't get mad.

Suddenly, I get an idea. "We'll just do this!"

Grabbing her hand, numb and wet, I run up to the large wall of rock in front of the church and heave myself onto it, still holding her. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I asked if I could spend time with her in the first place. All I know is that I'm here, and seeing this pathetic, weird girl shivering in the middle of a fucking hail storm late into the night, I can't help but feel as though she needs me.

"Levi..." For the first time she says my name, incredulous.

"Come on, get up here!"

She smiles, and comes up, sitting on top of the wall with me.

For a minute or two, we simply exist. The wind plays with our hair. We stare at the fir trees and houses around us.

And just like that... I tell her.

"You know... I have a knife with me."

She turns towards me, not scared like I expected, but listening.

"If you hadn't come to that bus stop... I would be dead right now. I would've killed myself with this little thing..."

I pull it out, and switch the blade up. I feel like laughing and crying at the sight.

"Me too... if you hadn't been there..."

I turn towards her. Is she the same...?

"I was going to run away. In a few weeks I'd probably... well, anyway, you were right. I should've been wearing a coat." Sarra laughs until her voice gets caught.

"So, thank you..." She's crying. Little tears like cheap blue beads fall from her eyes, coming to rest on her lap.

"Hey... promise me something."

"W-what?"

"I... shouldn't be the one telling you this but... I don't think I could take it if a little girl like you were out all alone."

"And... I don't think I could stay here knowing that you weren't around..." She lifts her head up at me and I can see her eyes. Brown eyes. Nothing out of the ordinary, and yet they pull me in.

This girl... somehow it's unbearable, imagining her gone. I wonder if this is how my family would feel if I really did die....

"I guess... I'll stay here a little longer." I chuckle a little.

"... You mean it?"

"I don't know... I used to live out in the midwest with my little sister. My whole family was a fucking mess except for her. She's only eight and she has scars all up and down her back... I've got a number of them myself. All I ever wanted was to leave, and back then there was no way to do it. Now that we've come to live up here in Washington and I know my sister won't be left to die, I think I can finally escape with a free conscience...."

It's the first time I've ever shown what I really feel to another person. It feels... good.

"... I wanted to run away since I'm not strong enough to kill myself. I deserve to be dead, you know. But I... I get scared thinking of how painful it would be. I-I'm just a coward. So I thought that running away would be just as good. I wouldn't be a burden to my parents anymore. They could live normally again. But..."

She looks straight at me.

"Levi, I won't run away again. I promise... so promise me you won't leave!"

There is total, unerring conviction in her voice.

This girl... what else can I do? "I don't know if I can keep it, but... I promise."

Her face lights up.

"In that case, you can't run away, and I can't kill myself... that way we really do have no escape."

"Alright." I smile, and she smiles back.

"... Thank you."

It's still hailing. I still hate God. I still want to die. In the back of my head, I know that she still wants to run away, and still believes that she's a burden. But somehow it's a little bit easier to bear now, because of our promise. We weren't really promising what we said... our real promise, unspoken, was to be there for the other no matter what... because we are the only ones that can keep each other alive.

"Want to go home?"

"... Not yet. I think I'll stay here for awhile longer." She looks past me towards the church. "I have another promise to make..."

I nod. "Than keep the coat. You'll need it."

I jump off of the wall, and begin to walk back to the stop.

I can hear her words softly as I go.

"Thank you... for everything..."

---------

The hail has ceased by the time I get back to my apartment. The apartment is composed of two rooms, one bath and is on the second floor of the complex. Block C apartment A. Coming up the stairs I can already tell I'm in a shit load of trouble, mainly because my sister has been watching me from the front window since I entered the parking lot.

As soon as I reach the door it opens, revealing the monster inside.

"Levi, where the hell have you be-"

"Good night." I walk past her, shred my soaking sweater right there, and proceed down the hall towards my bedroom.

"L-E-V-I~!" Her shriek is monstrous, but right now, I don't give a shit. If I have to stay alive, I might as well live the way I want.

--------

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

What the hell? That's my alarm... why the fuck is it going off?

"Dammit..." I heave myself onto my side, and push the power button on the digital alarm, ceasing its noise. The clock reads 6:30.

"Who set this...?" Of course, nobody answers. Looking down I see that I'm still wearing my jeans from yesterday. My legs are stuck to the inner fabric.

I get up off the bed and pull my clothes off awkwardly, still half asleep. I fumble for the closet doors and grab some new jeans and a pair of plaid boxers. In an instant, it hits me.

Today is not Sunday, November 30th, my last day of break. That was yesterday. Meaning that today is...

"SHIIIIIIITTT!"

Thinking back on it, I came to this apartment with my little sister to live with my older sister two weeks ago. The beginning of that same week, my older sister enrolled me in the local public high school since I 'still need to go to school'. She said that the first of December was my first day there, whether I liked it or not.

And it's now December fucking 1st.

Slipping my boxers on, I run out to the kitchen where that same older sister sits, drinking coffee in a pink bath robe.

"Oh... hey Lynne."

She places her coffee mug down carefully on the table and stands up.

Ah, crap. Time for a talk about last night.

She walks up to me, looks straight into my eyes and...

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Huh? Oh... cereal?"

"Alright, I'll get it for you."

She goes to the cupboard and snatches up a box of Rainbow Cocoa Flakes, the most sugary cereal in the world, as well as the only cereal my younger sister will touch.

"Um... aren't you going to...?"

"Not worth it. If I went out at 11 at night, I'd get mugged by a gangster, but then I remembered that you aren't a girl and that you are the equivalent of a gangster and decided that you can take care of yourself."

"Also, it's your first day at a new high school. That's punishment enough."

She's right. I sit down at the table where Lynne eventually places a bowl and spoon, the cereal box, and a carton of milk. I pour in all the ingredients of a migraine-inducing meal and start eating.

"Oh, and Levi? Kim was crying when you were gone, but told me not to tell you. So don't mention it, okay?"

"Than why'd you even tell me?"

Lynne rolls her eyes and places a hand on her hip. "She cried over you. Do you need another reason?"

Kim, my little sister, in tears because of a dumbass like me... I take a few last bites of cereal and dash out of the kitchen to my sister's room.

"Kim...?" I open the door slightly to see a dark room with an empty bed. "Where is she-"

Suddenly, I feel two arms around my bare waist. "Levi..."

Her little head is buried in my stomach, hiding her tears.

"Hey, don't cry. I'm fine." I pat her hair and she sobs.

"Kim..." I kneel down onto the carpet and look into her puppy-like eyes. "I'm here. You don't have to worry anymore."

"L-Levi... I... I...!" She tries to talk, but only ends up wailing, large tears streaming down her cheeks. I stroke her back, waiting for her to speak.

"Lynne d-doesn't know... I didn't... tell her! B-but I knew! Y-you weren't gonna come back again...!" What!?

"Why would you think that?" I try to smile at her, but she shakes her head furiously.

"Don't lie! Don't lie!" She beats her hands against my chest and falls to the floor shaking.

She continues to cry, and all I want to do is take her up in my arms and swing her around, saying it's all going to be okay.

"Kim... I'm gonna tell you something." She sniffs, and lifts her reddening eyes up at me. "You were right. I was going to... disappear. But then I met someone."

"W-who?" She wipes her nose against her sleeve.

"It was a girl, probably as small as you. You won't believe this, but she was outside in the middle of a storm without a coat!"

"Wasn't she cold!?"

"Yeah, she was really shivering! So I went up to her and gave her mine. And then... she looked up at me and I saw her face for the first time." I wait.

"Well? What happened!?" Kim stares at me indignantly, her tears drying.

"Well, when I saw her face... I thought that she looked just like you." Kim gasps.

"Seeing that, I just wanted to run back home and hug you. So I made a promise to that girl, that I'd never leave your side again." Kim smiles wide and pounces on me, her little brown pigtails bobbing with the force.

"Levi!" She hugs me with all of her strength.

"Hahaha, let go!"

"No way! Not until you make a promise to me!"

"And what would that be?" She pulls out of the hug and touches her nose to mine.

"You gotta promise - pinky promise! - that you won't ever make me worry about you again, okay?" She stares at me with her cheeks puffed out.

"I promise!" I hold out my pinky finger, and she hooks her own on to it, sealing the deal.

"Alright... I'll let you off this time. Now go get ready for school!" She stands and crosses her arms, acting like my commanding officer.

"Will do!" I salute her, and dash towards the bathroom for a morning shower.

------

"Hey, Levi..." I'm lacing up my shoes, about to walk out the door when Lynne appears behind me.

"What, Lynne?" I only have twenty minutes to get to school and I can't afford to be late.

"I heard what you said... to Kim." She knows!? I look away, feeling myself blush.

"Keep your promise... It means everything to her." I wait until I can hear her footsteps trailing away until I answer, whispering.

"I know..."

Alright. That's it. Even if you have nothing much to say, all replies are appreciated. Now excuse me while I breathe into a paper bag...

[Lekhaka]

This is your opening scene? Good premise.

Reminds me of Catcher in the Rye though... (but with more sisters and what looks like a romance plot!)

And one more thing: I don't really know if I can believe that he's that suicidal.

[Blue Sky]

This is your opening scene? Good premise.

Reminds me of Catcher in the Rye though... (but with more sisters and what looks like a romance plot!)

And one more thing: I don't really know if I can believe that he's that suicidal.

Thank you very much! Levi being like Catcher's protagonist is what I intended, so it seems I'm doing better than I originally thought. ^^;

I'll try to put more emphasis on suicidal thoughts than, I was just originally afraid of it being over-the-top that way.

Once again, thank you! I was having trouble breathing for awhile there!

[Lekhaka]

Well yeah, your protagonist might come across as unbearably emo if you put more emphasis on suicide. What I'm saying is that I don't see how his life is fucked up enough for him to want to commit suicide, and he seems to recover from his supposed suicidal depression extremely fast. So what I'm suggesting is that you either make him not suicidal, or give him a good reason to be suicidal.

[Blue Sky]

Well yeah, your protagonist might come across as unbearably emo if you put more emphasis on suicide. What I'm saying is that I don't see how his life is fucked up enough for him to want to commit suicide, and he seems to recover from his supposed suicidal depression extremely fast. So what I'm suggesting is that you either make him not suicidal, or give him a good reason to be suicidal.

Actually, he does have some good reasons to be suicidal; I just don't want to mention them so early on. ;P I guess what I'll have to do is change this particular paragraph:

"I don't know. The only reason I was going to do it was because I had nothing keeping me here. I was only alive before because I had to look after my sister... but now that there's someone else to take care of her, I feel like I don't have to stay anymore."

To something more like this (just off of the top of my head):

"I don't know. The only reason I stayed alive before was because of my sister... I was the only one able to look after her. But now there's someone else to take care of her, and I feel like my one connection to life was taken away from me."

Also, his reason for making that promise (other than knowing he was the only reason Sarra was going to stay with her parents) was because he had finally found someone who had as hard a life as his own.

Your suggestion was quite helpful!

[Lekhaka]

"I don't know. The only reason I stayed alive before was because of my sister... I was the only one able to look after her. But now there's someone else to take care of her, and I feel like my one connection to life was taken away from me."

And is that really enough to make someone want to kill themselves? If he has better reasons, you should allude to them. I just think it doesn't seem very convincing at the moment and makes the reader question it.

[Blue Sky]

"I don't know... I used to live out in the midwest with my little sister. My whole family was a fucking mess, except for her. She's only eight, and she has scars all up and down her back... I've got a number of them myself. All I ever wanted was to leave, and back then there was no way to do it. Now that we've come to live up here in Washington, and I know my sister won't be left to die, I think I can finally escape with a free conscience."

I'm hoping this will be better, since I don't want to give any more than that away.

[Lekhaka]

Much better

(did you get my PM?)

[Topagae]

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..."

[Blue Sky]

@Lekhaka: Yep, I got your message and I'm interested. :)

Here's round 1. I'll do an edit of all the text if you want me to later, once you've got a second draft. Don't take it as the gospel truth though, everyone's gotta find their own style.

Thank you for this. I've always had trouble describing things in detail. I'll take everything you've mentioned to heart and get a second draft up tonight.

You guys rock. B) Thanks for all the help.

[Topagae]

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..."

[Blue Sky]

Edited the first post with the second draft. Hope you all like it, or at least like it more than the first.

Suggestions still appreciated! I'm willing to edit this hundreds of times until I get it right.

[Samu-kun]

I have a question. Is this the beginning of the script, or is it a sample taken out somewhere in the middle?

Here's the portion of the script I looked through.

It's 11: 36, and in a few moments I'll be dead.

It's weird, but I don't care at all. It's like I'm the hail falling from the sky, just about to hit the asphalt below. Once I fall, I'll be just a puddle on the ground.

I wish I had something to say. Last words, I guess.

Well, there is one thing I can say, but it certainly won't be Shakespeare.

I raise my longest finger up to the sky, ready to scream.

"Well, here I am God. Out here saying fuck you. I don't know how many times I prayed to you , but you never helped. The only one that ever helped was myself!"

"D-don't say things like that... about the Lord."

I swerve my head around, only to see the vague figure of a girl standing a few yards away. "Oh, uh... hey." She heard all that?

"H-hi..." She looks down at her ratty sneakers and plays with her hands.

I wasn't expecting to have company at this time of night, especially not from a little girl.

"Um... are you waiting for the bus?"

She steps a bit closer, but I still can't see her face. "Yes..."

"... Then why don't you sit down?" She doesn't respond, instead holding the small cross at her neck.

"Come on, I don't bite."

Silence.

"Okay, I know what I said was... weird, but it's horrible out and you're just gonna stand there?"

She nods.

I've had enough. Pulling myself up from the bench, I march over to her and grab her hand. I can feel her entire body shaking in the cold, her fingers numb beneath mine. (remove because he couldn't realistically sense that in the same way he could feel her body shaking, unless he was a psychic)

"God, are you even wearing a jacket? The hell's wrong with you[b? It's[/b] fucking below zero out here and you're just gonna walk outside like it's nothing? I would never let my sister go out in weather like this unless she was in a snowsuit!"

For some reason, I can't stop shouting at her as I drag her over to the bus shelter.

"Here, have my coat. It'll at least warm you up some."

"Um... t-thank you."

As I hand it to her, I truly see her for the first time. Her hair is a dark brown, reaching all the way to her hips and her bangs hide her eyes almost completely. But her smile makes me do a double-take.

It's an uncertain smile, a small smile, but it is altogether familiar.

"Your name."

"Eh?"

"What's your name?" I almost shout, and she flinches.

"S-sarra. Just Sarra."

"I'm Levi."

She smiles again and finally slips into the coat.

She puts it on slowly, as if it were alien. (bad word choice, I think)

It fits her about as well as a potato sack.

"So what's a kid like you doing out here?"

"I'm waiting for the bus."

"I know that already! What I mean is, where are you going?"

She looks down at her feet again.

"... Away."

I sigh, and lean back against the glass. As a man, I can't let some young girl go off on her own. "If you really have to go out, at least let someone go with you."

"Do you mean t-that you want to come!? With me?" Her mouth is open in surprise.

"Yeah, that's kind of the point." She doesn't seem convinced.

"B-but don't you have plans?"

I hesitate for a second. "They can wait..."

Sarra's shoes slide against the sidewalk for awhile as she thinks.

"I... I guess it's okay."

With that tiny, almost inaudible phrase, we are bound together for the night.

We wait out the rest of the time without words.

--------

The bus is almost completely empty, save the driver and an older woman in the back. We sit ourselves down in the middle side by side. Thankfully minors could ride the buses in this city for free.

"Where do you wanna go?"

Sarra looks up at me. She is sitting near the aisle, about as far away from me as she can get.

"There is... o-one place... but you wouldn't like it."

"It's fine - there aren't many places that I like, anyway."

"No, i-it's fine! I shouldn't have said anything!" She waves her hands around, blushing.

"No, really, I'm cool with it." Just what is this place?

"No, you'll be mad!"

"I'll put up with it."

"I don't want to go anymore!" Her voice has gone up a decibel.

"You don't have to be nice!"

"It's church!"

Her face is bright red and her hands come up to hide her head from view.

"I-it's church..." She says again, almost to herself.

"C-church...?"

She nods, not facing me.

God sure is a cheeky son of a bitch.

I sigh, and stare out the window. It's still hailing and I can't think of any other place to go...

"Alright. We'll go to church. Tell me when we get there." She gasps.

"O-okay..."

We sit there for another ten minutes before Sarra speaks again.

"I-it's this stop."

She stands up awkwardly and shuffles towards the front of the bus even though we are still in motion. She waits beside the bus driver until the vehicle shutters to a halt. The driver just stares at her oddly as she walks out.

I stand up and quickly follow her into the night. She is still there, on the sidewalk, and smiles meekly as I come towards her.

"Um... thanks for doing all of this, but... you don't have to come with me."

I can barely hear her above the sound of hail hitting the ground.

"No, it's... it's fine." I already came all the way across town for you; I'm not about to bail now.

"T-then, let's..." She trails off and starts down the sidewalk. I follow her. It's silent between us again as we make our way through the neighborhood, nearly every home dark inside, their occupants sleeping in nice warm beds as Sarra and I shiver because of the cold and the awkward tension between us.

Finally we reach our destination, a small brick building with a cross above it. The church is surrounded by a tall rock wall on all sides. I start towards the entrance.

"Eh? Oh no, we aren't going inside."

"Why not?"

"At this time of night, it's closed."

"I... what!?" You mean we came all this way for nothing!?

"Ah... I'm sorry... I just feel at peace here, so..."

She looks down at her feet, shivering horribly, holding back tears. Seeing that... I can't get mad.

Suddenly, I get an idea. "We'll just do this!"

Grabbing her hand, numb (narrator can't sense this) and wet, I run up to the large wall of rock in front of the church and heave myself onto it, still holding her. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I asked if I could spend time with her in the first place. All I know is that I'm here, and seeing this pathetic, weird girl shivering in the middle of a fucking hail storm late into the night, I can't help but feel as though she needs me.

"Levi..." For the first time she says my name, incredulous.

"Come on, get up here!"

She smiles, and comes up, sitting on top of the wall with me.

For a minute or two, we simply exist. The wind plays with our hair. We stare at the fir trees and houses around us.

And just like that... I tell her.

"You know... I have a knife with me."

She turns towards me, not scared like I expected, but listening.

"If you hadn't come to that bus stop... I would be dead right now. I would've killed myself with this little thing..."

I pull it out, and switch the blade up. I feel like laughing and crying at the sight.

"Me too... if you hadn't been there..."

I turn towards her. Is she the same...?

"I was going to run away. In a few weeks I'd probably... well, anyway, you were right. I should've been wearing a coat." Sarra laughs until her voice gets caught.

"So, thank you..." She's crying. Little tears like cheap blue beads fall from her eyes, coming to rest on her lap.

"Hey... promise me something."

"W-what?"

"I... shouldn't be the one telling you this but... I don't think I could take it if a little girl like you were out all alone."

"And... I don't think I could stay here knowing that you weren't around..." She lifts her head up at me and I can see her eyes. Brown eyes. Nothing out of the ordinary, and yet they pull me in.

This girl... somehow it's unbearable, imagining her gone. I wonder if this is how my family would feel if I really did die....

"I guess... I'll stay here a little longer." I chuckle a little.

"... You mean it?"

"I don't know... I used to live out in the midwest with my little sister. My whole family was a fucking mess except for her. She's only eight and she has scars all up and down her back... I've got a number of them myself. All I ever wanted was to leave, and back then there was no way to do it. Now that we've come to live up here in Washington and I know my sister won't be left to die, I think I can finally escape with a free conscience...."

It's the first time I've ever shown what I really feel to another person. It feels... good.

"... I wanted to run away since I'm not strong enough to kill myself. I deserve to be dead, you know. But I... I get scared thinking of how painful it would be. I-I'm just a coward. So I thought that running away would be just as good. I wouldn't be a burden to my parents anymore. They could live normally again. But..."

She looks straight at me.

"Levi, I won't run away again. I promise... so promise me you won't leave!"

There is total, unerring conviction in her voice.

This girl... what else can I do? "I don't know if I can keep it, but... I promise."

Her face lights up.

"In that case, you can't run away, and I can't kill myself... that way we really do have no escape."

"Alright." I smile, and she smiles back.

"... Thank you."

It's still hailing. I still hate God. I still want to die. In the back of my head, I know that she still wants to run away, and still believes that she's a burden. But somehow it's a little bit easier to bear now, because of our promise. We weren't really promising what we said... our real promise, unspoken, was to be there for the other no matter what... because we are the only ones who can keep each other alive.

"Want to go home?"

"... Not yet. I think I'll stay here for awhile longer." She looks past me towards the church. "I have another promise to make..."

I nod. "Than keep the coat. You'll need it."

I jump off of the wall, and begin to walk back to the stop.

I can hear her words softly as I go.

"Thank you... for everything..."

---------

The hail has ceased by the time I get back to my apartment. The apartment is composed of two rooms, one bath and is on the second floor of the complex. Block C apartment A. Coming up the stairs I can already tell I'm in a shit load of trouble, mainly because my sister has been watching me from the front window since I entered the parking lot.

As soon as I reach the door it opens, revealing the monster inside.

"Levi, where the hell have you be-"

"Good night." I walk past her, shred my soaking sweater right there, and proceed down the hall towards my bedroom.

"L-E-V-I~!" Her shriek is monstrous, but right now, I don't give a shit. If I have to stay alive, I might as well live the way I want.

--------

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

What the hell? That's my alarm... why the fuck is it going off?

"Dammit..." I heave myself onto my side, and push the power button on the digital alarm, ceasing its noise. The clock reads 6:30.

"Who set this...?" Of course, nobody answers. Looking down I see that I'm still wearing my jeans from yesterday. My legs are stuck to the inner fabric.

I get up off the bed and pull my clothes off awkwardly, still half asleep. I fumble for the closet doors and grab some new jeans and a pair of plaid boxers. In an instant, it hits me.

Today is not Sunday, November 30th, my last day of break. That was yesterday. Meaning that today is...

"SHIIIIIIITTT!"

Thinking back on it, I came to this apartment with my little sister to live with my older sister two weeks ago. The beginning of that same week, my older sister enrolled me in the local public high school since I 'still need to go to school'. She said that the first of December was my first day there, whether I liked it or not.

And it's now December fucking 1st.

Slipping my boxers on, I run out to the kitchen where that same older sister sits, drinking coffee in a pink bath robe.

"Oh... hey Lynne."

She places her coffee mug down carefully on the table and stands up.

Ah, crap. Time for a talk about last night.

She walks up to me, looks straight into my eyes and...

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Huh? Oh... cereal?"

"Alright, I'll get it for you."

She goes to the cupboard and snatches up a box of Rainbow Cocoa Flakes, the most sugary cereal in the world, as well as the only cereal my younger sister will touch.

"Um... aren't you going to...?"

My literary self does not like the use of the present tense. It makes the script harder to read than it should be and it introduces a lot of awkward sentence structures. I would advise mastering writing stories in the past tense first before experimenting with the present tense, but if you have much more of the script done than what you've showed us here, then it'll probably be best to just keep going on with the present tense rather than halt development for what could be weeks rewriting everything in the past tense.

The other problem with the writing style is the lack of tags for the dialogue, which makes it hard to identify who is talking. Er, any particular reason why the tags were omitted? Are you going to add them later when you're programming this into ren'py?

Also, I would advise that you add the basic programming as you go so that you don't have to waste time reformating everything once you're done with the script. You can add character name tags very easily by just writing the first two letters of whichever character is speaking in front of dialogue and narration still needs to have quotations around it for ren'py to detect it as being in the game and not part of the scripting language.

[Blue Sky]

I have a question. Is this the beginning of the script, or is it a sample taken out somewhere in the middle?

It's the very beginning of the game.

My literary self does not like the use of the present tense. It makes the script harder to read than it should be and it introduces a lot of awkward sentence structures. I would advise mastering writing stories in the past tense first before experimenting with the present tense, but if you have much more of the script done than what you've showed us here, then it'll probably be best to just keep going on with the present tense rather than halt development for what could be weeks rewriting everything in the past tense.

Alright, I'll look into this.

The other problem with the writing style is the lack of tags for the dialogue, which makes it hard to identify who is talking. Er, any particular reason why the tags were omitted? Are you going to add them later when you're programming this into ren'py?

Also, I would advise that you add the basic programming as you go so that you don't have to waste time reformating everything once you're done with the script. You can add character name tags very easily by just writing the first two letters of whichever character is speaking in front of dialogue and narration still needs to have quotations around it for ren'py to detect it as being in the game and not part of the scripting language.

I've found that it's easier for me to write when I don't have to worry about stuff like that. I originally wrote it out that way, but the writing was coming along too slowly. Don't worry though, this won't be a problem at release.

Also, thank you for pointing out that numb description! I would never have caught that on my own. This was really helpful. x)

Edit:

Also, do you guys find the story and characters interesting? Don't worry about being honest.

[Greeny]

Personally, I think it's really well written.

The present tense, I think, would work because it's a visual novel. You're seeing it through someone's eyes, in the here and now. It adds to the immersion, and makes the future seem more undefined.