ebi's quest to awesome game making [please critique]

[ebi brain]

I hope a thread like this is okay:\

Since I'm trying to develop my drawing/writing/(eventually programming) skills, I thought I could post a thread here in which I could place all my new sketches/ideas/etc. to track my progress.

Especially because I don't really have people to critique my stuff...and I need to hear other people's opinions or else I'll go crazy ( is what I'm writing right?wrong?should it be moresubtle?amidoingthisrightpleasesomeoneTELLMEEEEEE T_T)
*ahem*

A little history:

On another forum I've entered a contest to write a scene for an Otome game script.
That was nearly a month ago (and at the end of this month I'll submit my work). I figured it'd be a fun challenge, 'cause for some reason I like to plunge myself into things in order to gain new experiences. Apart from that, I've always wanted to give a shot at writing... but past attempts have resulted in me crumpling up the papers and giving up out of embarassment.

What I thought would be just a fun thing that "I'd do in just a couple of days" has turned into way more.... and I am totally enjoying this whole process of thinking things out, trying to word it right etc. etc. So along with drawing, I want to continue this and eventually combine it with programming !


Currently I have two projects in my head. The first would be my main project, the one that will take the longest to realize. It's actually based on the scene that I want to write for the contest.

the second one has a much simpler story and overall feel to it. And I will use this one to develop my skills and to break up the work that comes with the first project. I'll probably make a lot of these whilst writing for my main project. I'm mostly doing this because I'm afraid I'll burn out on the other project otherwise. I need a bit of variety.

So for my first two project ideas see below^_-.... man I type way too much.


The whimsy, fun, quick project:
at the moment it's called "sugar buns". I'm not sure why, but it's fun to say!
The concept is very simple and terribly cliche. It's about a girl who discovers that she only has an X amount of days (I think 5-7, since it'd be my first game:p) to get a date for the school's winter dance. Will she snag a date or will she end up alone?

Characters + beginning rough sketches for some form of reference:
While I have an idea, I still need to really pin down attitudes/personalities and such.


Mandy: Mandy is the game's "heroine". she is pretty cheerful but perhaps a bit egocentric/shallow.


James: He's a pretty stereotypical nerd. I still need to nerdify him.


Gregory:he likes to skip school in favor of band practice.


( alberto maybe aurelien maybe kun-kun) AKA
transfer student boy/someone who just moved there, depending on the age I choose them to be: I honestly don't know what to name him yet or what country to have him come from. I was thinking France, Italy or Japan( as a tribute since that's how I got into VNs, by wanting to learn Japanese XD). he loves food.


Freddie: a girl who pretty much idolizes Mandy (for whatever reason). She's very shy but might get in the way of Mandy's date hunt.


I really don't know what age to give these characters. But I was thinking around 13-14. I want the game to be mostly cute and innocent ( a big contrast to the other game I suppose).


Since I've already typed up WAY too much - and I congratulate anyone who's come to the end of this ( you get a gold star ^_^)-

I'll save the main project for later, or if you must, you can check it out on my blog ( http://www.otomehell.blogspot.com ), I'm doing some warm up writing just to place the setting/characters and from there I'll continue ( search for chapters or chapter or something).
In short it's => girl ends up in the future => girl meets boys, angers one boy => girl finds way to the present or ???

But if you'd prefer that I post a chapter/outline here, just say so.

A couple more things:
Up until three months ago, I was still drawing stick figures, wishing that I could draw (for yearrrs) (now I'm trying to make that reality through perseverance!).
And.... the last story I wrote before starting this up... was when I was in grade 3 (15 years ago).
So I'm terribly sorry if all of this looks like utter *bleep* >_< but I'm definitely wanting to improve!

[gekiganwing]

In case you didn't know already, Ebi Brain, two people on this forum recently created a similar themed game called Finding a Prom Date. (It's on the Completed section here -- http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... =11&t=7729 .)

Don't worry. It is of course possible to have two otome games with a prom theme, and have them be quite different. You may benefit by reading Arithra and Vohalika's story, deciding what you do/don't like, and then thinking about your story.

Also, may I recommend a freeware text adventure game called One Week? You can download it here -- http://download.cnet.com/One-Week/3000- ... 76896.html . The theme is similar, but there are no images, and the writing is relatively realistic (and sometimes bleak).

[ebi brain]

Eek! I didn't see that >_<
Now I feel a little stupid.... but I'll finish it anyway I think, as this is mostly just to practice. And then for my next small project I'll be a little more careful before deciding on an idea.

I'll take a look at "One Week" as well.
Thanks for the suggestion!

[ebi brain]

Okay...
For my big project (which still needs a tonnnnnn of "thinking about"/"working things out so every puzzle piece falls nicely in place" etc.):

TITLE: no title yet

GENRE: Otome/sort of action-y
The story is about Becky (subject to change) who ends up in a coma. She then suddenly wakes up about 3 years into the future, where she finds a lot has changed.
Her city is basically in ruins after it has been hit by various natural disasters ( I'm also contemplating whether I should let some nuclear plant blow up/ virus thing spread because of one of these disasters, which then causes a lot of harm to the people affected by it and wipes out a lot of the population and also wipes a lot of people's memories = reason to why it's a post apocalyptic setting that's falling apart even more... buuuut I'd really need to think about how to set this up realistically and gently introduce it to the story, since it'd take a while for people to remember, what with their memories gone.).
Not having experienced all these natural disasters/things blowing up/spreading (yet), Becky is now the only one in the future with memories of the past.
Up until Becky's arrival in the future everyone just went along with their lives. But Becky's knowledge of the past causes something to change in the people she touches. They suddenly start to remember things, vaguely at first, a flicker of recognition, and then their memories start to come back slowly, more vivid than ever. Their emotions become fuller, more passionate. But is the past what they expected it to be, how have they changed in these years and are they happy with it... that is what you'd find out in the end ( I hope lol.)


Main characters ( I still need to work on their personalities.. I find it such a scary process for some reason, I'm really bad at describing personalities. Even in real life. Even if I've known the person all my life.):

Becky: Heroine. Lives with her dad and their good for nothing guard dog Boris. Can stand up for herself. Her mom died when she was at an early age, but while she will never forget her, she has managed to cope with it and live a happy life.

Skye: obtainable, the first boy she meets. A loner. He's anti-gangs, he doesn't believe joining a gang would greatly improve his chances of survival. He mugs people and does odd end jobs to get by. He takes the do-it-yourself approach literally. Used to be in a band. He was an only child who had left home around the age of 16, because he and his parents couldn't get along. From there on he moved in with one of his band mates, his best friend at the time. His band was like his family, and he was never alone. As the band evolved they began getting more and more popular. And on the day of the start of the apocalypse they were supposed to get together to sign a label contract for their debut album and to make their name in the world of rock 'n roll. All Skye has to remind him of his past is an out of tune guitar, his most precious possession in the world, with the name Julia scribbled on the back. Is Julia the name of the guitar or is it the name of a girl who had once been part of his life?

Chris, obtainable, now a cage fighter, used as a brutal guard dog by anyone who pays him, has always had a fighting drive. Even in the past it was his dream to become a fighter, a boxer ( or fill in something super cool). But he never had the guts to take this step, to become a professional fighter, because he was afraid of disappointing others. And so he went to university to study business. What are his thoughts on finding out that the apocalypse has made him force this dream, the one he had always wanted to come true, upon him, merely to survive?(lolwut?)
- Obviously I still need to give this one more thought, but the base is there.

Apple, obtainable, the complete opposite of his brother Chris, like a little puppy, too sweet and naïve, used to be the toughest fighter of the streets. He had no mercy for others and would do horrible things to his enemies. After the apocalypse his personality had completely changed. He has the lowest rank in his gang, though he is loved dearly by all because of his gentle nature. He has a hard time standing up for himself and he will flinch if someone gestures that they're going to hit him. How does it affect him finding out what kind of a person he used to be and comparing it to the person he is today? Is it a relief for him or will he be so disappointed in himself that he tries to adopt his old personality again?
The two don't know they're related btw, what with their memories being wiped and all. They're actually enemies since their gangs hate each other's guts.

Kane, contemplating on making him obtainable... but it'd be very hard as he is SERIOUSLY a JERK who deserves to get some lye thrown in his face 'cause he makes his men kick her and Skye to a pulp in the beginning... which is quite unforgivable..and then she does something unforgivable back, making them arch enemies from day one....sooooo yeah.
He is real, whilst not being real at the same time. He symbolizes the manifestation of all of Becky's fears and negative thoughts. Though, such a thing is probably never revealed in the story itself.

I'm also kind of scared at the whole " their emotions will become fuller/more passionate", as I'm not sure how to portray such a thing.
And having the characters be void of any emotion at all at first, while it's an interesting concept... I don't think it is possible. I think you'd need a little emotion to have the will to survive. Without emotion, you probably wouldn't care about the world and you'd just commit suicide. But even in committing suicide, there lies some emotion..right?
hmmmm. >_<

[ebi brain]

Well, my test game is slowly coming along. I'm now working on day two of the script. But it's going really slow since I have RSI (from knitting wtf >:0 ) so I can't do much programming (my speech recognition software doesn't work too well with renpy).

Anyway, I decided to put my big project aside until I have more experience in writing and developing a game. but because I like working on two different projects at the same time, I've replaced it with another project right now. A project where I can pretty much test out everything I'd need to know and where I give myself a bit of leeway to screw up.

in short it is about a girl from the city who, because of her so-called disruptive behavior, gets sent to live with a family member in some rural town. there she attends high school where she joins the school's newspaper. she soon becomes friends with the members of the newspaper and together they end up solving mysteries around school and their town.

right now I'm fleshing out my characters, creating the world and I'm going over the gameplay in combination with the plot a couple more times, to straighten out any kinks so I can start writing without having to fear getting stuck because of some sort of plot hole or a gameplay feature that stops making sense.

I kind of want to turn it into a feel good, otome mystery game. Nothing too complex and hopefully something that'll make people smile after a bad day.

I am aware that the whole "city person moving to a hick town" has been done a a bazillion times, nonetheless I hope I'll be able to make this an enjoyable test game (bigger and more complex than the sugar buns test game).

even though this is a test game, I don't think I'll finish it any sooner than the end of next year or maybe it will take even longer >_< My deadline is in 1 1/2 years lol.

sorry for not capitalizing every sentence, my speech recognition software doesn't really do that and I'm trying my hardest not to touch the keyboard in hopes that this stupid RSI pain will go away soon.

[SusanTheCat]

Speech recognition software does not like programming.

I used Dragon Naturally speaking for awhile. It was great for emails, not so great for programming.

It was funny. My friend was having the toughest time trying to get it to work. She turned to me and started talking normal (complaining that it didn't like her) and it was able to process her sentences properly!

Susan

[Marcelo_Orlando]

It's always nice to see new talent full of ideas come to this forum. My advice is to write out your idea completely then re read it and have some one else read it to give you a bit of stable ground to work with. A lot of times ideas sound a lot better in your head than it does on paper. Good luck!

[ebi brain]

Susan, that sounds really familiar!
I'll want to write something like: the man wanted to hit Fran.
And Dragon will change it to: Mike handed the Koran.
Which doesn't even come close :p

But hopefully with proper training it will start to work better soon.

Marcelo, thanks for the tip! since I don't really know anybody in real life who'd be able to tell me whether something sounds okay or not (my mum doesn't count lolol), I think I'll just use this thread...

I haven't really figured out every single aspect of my 'big' story, but I'll try to at least put up a synopsis over here soon, along with an intro chapter to the game...



synopsis/story idea completed! ( though there is still a lot of things I need to think about to make the entire story flow and sound more natural. The parts they definitely want to think about more/change have been made red.) :

Mitzi (name subject to change), is a high school student born and raised in Imber City (name subject to change). Population: x (in the millions).
She has a knack for getting into trouble when she doesn't mean to.

One night, as she's walking home from a concert, it’s no different and she gets into a fight with two girls. The reason, according to one of the girls: Mitzi was supposedly flirting with her boyfriend.

Of course, just as she punches one of the girls full on the nose, a police officer walks by. She gets a lecture from him and gets taken home, where even more drama ensues.

The person who opens the door to let her in, is her dad's girlfriend of five years, Barbara (name subject to change), pregnant for x months. Barbara completely freaks out and she wants Mitzi out of the house asap, as “ this hasn't been the first time she's been picked off the streets by the police. All this stress she causes can't possibly be good for the baby. She's just too much to handle right now.”

After a long talk, her father gives in to Barbara’s pleas. In the end they decide that it's in the best interest, of everyone, that Mitzi moves in with her grandma in Caligo Cove. Population: x (very little, around 4000 or so).
They decide this is the best solution as
1) It'll give Barbara the peace she needs to get through the pregnancy without any stress. (<--- unless she's the OCD EVERYTHING MUST BE PERFECT I GET STRESSED FROM A BROKEN NAIL TYPE... this seems a bit...eh..)
2) They hope that the quiet countryside will do Mitzi's attitude good and that it will keep her out of trouble so she'll be able to pass the school year.

In Caligo Cove (name subject to change), she ends up going to the private? high school* in her village (as it’s the close by and, with it being private and small, it's a more controlled enviroment ). There are a lot of students from various towns and cities that make up the student body (and these get to stay at the dorms the school has built nearby).
As the head of the school knows about Mitzi's so-called troublemaking personality… he makes a deal with her. She can come to school, on the condition that she join the school newspaper as a way to stay out of trouble ( though that backfires a little as she gets more and more involved in doing research for the paper).
At first she doesn't care much for it, and with reason, since
1) It’s boring.
2) The newspaper sucks. They've been writing about the petition for a soup option at the cafeteria for the past three months. And this month's feature article was about a new brand of chalk which the teachers started using for the blackboards. (<--- just... [insert something ridiculously boring :p\] ) No one seems to read it and, needless to say, she can't blame them.

However soon she finds out that her knack for getting into trouble might be able to blow new life into the newspaper. And slowly the bond between her and the rest of the club starts to deepen as they try to solve various mysteries around school and town.

• I went for a private high school, as I really can’t imagine a public high school being present in such a tiny, tiny village unless it's some ~exclusive high society~ bladibla type deal with 398038420 acres of land for the students to frolic on and play golf or something lol.

I was thinking about sending Mitzi's biological mom to somewhere in Africa, where she's doing some type of dangerous volunteer work...lol.
This way I won't have to worry about her mom butting in and stuff, since I don't want a character overload for my first game:p


sorry for any stupid misplaced words or grammatical errors etc. I am aware of them. Dragon hates me today and I am done correcting every single mistake.

tomorrow I'll try to post up an idea for the intro, because I have absolutely no idea of other people will find it interesting.

[ebi brain]

And then my rsi worsened.
I have now finally found a physiotherapist who seems to know what he's doing, and I'm slowly recovering so I think i can continue on with my last idea and hopefully finish the rest of the 5 minute test game (if I haven't deleted it in rsi fury lol. Otherwise I'll start again from scratch *cry*).



Anyway, here be the intro... though it's still in draft stages I suppose, as English is not my first language... sorry for any weird mistakes... Also, all names and places are very much subject to change:P :


*trainstation background*
*dial tone*
I try to stifle a yawn as I can hear someone on the other end picking up…

Mitzi: "Hey, grandma?"

I take a couple of steps to the side and lean against a vending machine.
From here, I can see the trains coming in like lazy caterpillars.

Mitzi: "Wait!" I jump up, banging my elbow against the vending machine. The cans of soda make a slight rattling sound, as if to complain about the sudden movement.

Mitzi: "Aaaahhhh….”

That’s definitely going to leave a bruise.

Mitzi: “ WAIT! No no no no! I don't want to sell you anything! Don't hang up!"

A couple of passerby’s look up and I glare at them. They quickly look away and hasten their pace.

Mitzi: "It's me, Mitzi."
Mitzi: "…your granddaughter."
Mitzi: "What?"
Mitzi: "No. I’m not joking."

I give a little sigh.

Mitzi: "Not Mitzi Gaynor."
Mitzi: "Mitzi, your grand-daugh-ter."
Mitzi: "Yeah. That Mitzi. I'm fine. "

How can she not recognize me? I talked to her on the phone just last week…

Mitzi: "How's your hip?"
Mitzi: "Good to hear. Don’t go ice skating all by yourself again, okay? "
Mitzi: "I'm at the train station right now. Barbara and dad are here too, to see me off."
Mitzi: "….Hang on, I’ll get him."

I start walking towards my dad and Barbara again.

Mitzi: "All right, here he is."

Without look at him, I hold the phone out to my dad.

Mitzi: “Grandma.”

He takes it and starts talking. Barbara gives me an awkward smile and is probably trying to think of something to talk about with me. She was never good at being the mom type and last week just emphasized that. She’s been living with us for 5 years, and still, she treats me like a stranger, like a nuisance. I have no idea what spell she's got my dad under, but I wish he would just open his eyes.
I turn myself away from her and continue to watch the trains entering the station. People quickly walk to the wagons and crowd in front of the doors, blocking the way for everyone who wants to get out. Both sides look annoyed. Even though all it’d take is a bit of common decency.

Everyone just pushes themselves past each other, worming their way into and out of the claustrophobic mess.
Maybe leaving will be a good thing. Far away from these people. Far away from dad, Barbara, my so-called friends. Just far, far away. I don't need them, not after what they did to me.

But then again, this is my home. I grew up here. I never once thought I’d leave. Especially so soon. This city…with all of these people…

I wanted to stay here all my life…
I can feel a lump forming in my throat…

[Flashback]
*background of a house/porch*

The policeman pushes his finger against the doorbell and the shrill ring from the bell sets in.
After a while the hall light turns on and I can hear some footsteps stumbling down the stairs.

Then the door swings open……..
She's in her bathrobe; her hair hanging down her shoulders….

Why did she have to answer the door?

Barbara: "Oh no, not again. What did she do this time? Ian? IAN?! GET DOWN HERE!"
officer : "She just got into a fight, ma'am. And-"
Barbara: "Just a fight? Mitzi, get in here. Now! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do young lady."
Barbara: "Look at your eye!”
She grabs my cheek and pulls my face up to inspect the damage. I can feel her pink, acrylic nails digging into my skin.
Barbara: “Just wait ‘till your father gets here.”
Barbara: “I'm so sorry officer; I just don't know what to do with this girl. I’m so sorry.”
Barbara: “. IAN?!! Where the hell is that man.”

Officer: "Were letting her off with a warning. Ma'am, I take it you and your husband will take over from here?"
Barbara: “Of course, thank you for bringing her home.”
Mitzi: “He’s not her husband.”

If Barbara’s eyes had the gift to shoot laser beams at me, now would be the time she’d use it. The policeman just gives a little chuckle and tips his cap.

Officer: "Just… try to keep her out of trouble."

(I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT COPS DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS LOL, But...so far this part seems bleh)

[/flashback]

*trainstation background*

dad: "Hon?"

My dad lightly taps my shoulder and then holds the phone in front of my face.

Dad: "She wants to speak to you again."

I take the phone out of his hands.

Mitzi: "It's me again."
Mitzi: "No, I'll be fine."
Mitzi: "I’ll be fine. You don't have to come get me; you just take it easy. I got a map and directions with me."
Mitzi: "Alright. I'll definitely call if I get lost."
Mitzi: "I think I-"
Mitzi: "No, I won't talk to suspicious strangers."
Mitzi: "I thi-“

Sigh.

Mitzi: “No, I won't talk to suspicious strangers trying to sell me drugs either."
Mitzi: "I think I'll be there in about four to five hours."
Mitzi: "Bye…Love you."

I hang up and stare at the phone for a while.
Was this really the best person they could send me to? I haven't seen my grandmother in quite a while, but I definitely don't remember her being this crazy. I wonder if she hit her head during that ice skating fiasco…
In the background I can hear Barbara complaining to my dad about how she will miss her weekly bridge morning if the train gets delayed any longer.

I shrug and check the text message someone sent me earlier on. It's from Janet.
Apparently she’s tried to call me as well.

I can't believe she has the nerve to still contact me. Anger starts to bubble inside of me and I want to delete the message instantly. But I decide against it and, despite the intense hate I feel towards that little envelope icon, I read the message anyway. Maybe they’ve changed their minds? Maybe they’ll apologize?

"UR LEVIMH? Y DNT U TLL NE?..? XAIT 4 MF#"

I look at the message, a bit puzzled, and read it a couple more times. Is this her idea of a joke?

"Ladies and gentlemen, the train towards Hiems will arrive in about 3 minutes on platform 12 C. We truly apologize for the delay and any inconvenience this may have caused."


It’s about time!

I quickly delete the message and start rummaging through my inbox to delete the rest of her old messages. Every now and then the phone buzzes and no sooner have I gotten rid of the last message, or I get another one from her.

"Im jhere wree u"

And there are four more missed calls.

Stupid cow. I put my phone away and ignore the rest of the incoming messages and calls.
Finally the train enters the station. Barbara lets out a sigh of relief. I bet she'll celebrate the moment she gets home. It was her idea to send me off after all. And dad was stupid enough to agree with her.

As the train gets closer to where we are, I pick up my bags and we start to walk towards a nearby entrance. This time there are only a couple of people standing in front of the doors. As they open, my dad gives me a big hug, but I hardly respond. Slowly the wagon starts to empty.

*train wagon w/ door open background*

Dad: "I'm sorry, Mitzi. But we really think this is the best for you. Hopefully one day you'll agree with us."
Mitzi: "Whatever."
Dad: "Right then..."

He hesitates at first but then gives me a pat on the back and pushes me forward a little.
Dad: "Off you go. And don't forget: you get out at Fulmen and then from there take the bus to Caligo Cove. It’s the last stop. I think it’s line 83, but ask the bus driver to be sure okay?"

Mitzi: "Sure."

I can hear Barbara babbling about something to me, but I can’t hear her over the train’s whistle. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m already too far into the train to respond.

*train interior background*
As the train’s wheels slowly start to roll into motion, I look around for a good seat and put down all my stuff.

Inside, the place is near empty. Except for a few old people and a couple with their son, there's nobody. Great. It's like some bad omen. Nobody wants to go to Caligo Cove.

From the window, I see Barbara dabbing away fake tears with a pink tissue. My dad mouths ‘I love you.’ at me, but I pretend not to see him.

He doesn’t stop waving at me, walking alongside the train at first and then awkwardly running, until the train has left the station and he’s no more than a little speck. A pang of guilt strikes me as that little speck disappears from sight. At this moment, I want nothing more than to pull the train’s emergency brake, get out and run into my dad's arms. I would beg him to not send me away and he would apologize for being such an idiot for listening to that witch. He would break up with Barbara…
And we'd be a happy family again. Just the two of us…

I can feel a tear rolling down and I touch my cheek to stop it from going any further. But soon that little tear starts to multiply, and I give up on wiping them away. I hold my head down and let my hair fall in front of my face. Softly, I let a sob escape.

Suddenly I feel someone leaning over me from the seat behind me.
Two strong hands clasp themselves around my head, covering my eyes.

Voice: "Fououound ya!"

A young man's voice fills the otherwise quiet wagon.
What the hell? Can’t they tell I want to be left alone?

Boy: "Oh… You're crying!"

Shocked by this discovery, the hands quickly pull away from my face, and I turn around to see who it is. I am SO ready to kill them with my death stare of doom… Which, sadly, is perpetually defect. But usually it’s good enough to scare people off.
However, my death stare of doom quickly transforms into a look of shock and then utter disbelief.

Boy: "Ta-da!"

He says it with such a huge grin, I’m afraid his face’ll crack.

Mitzi: "You?!"

I quickly wipe away any evidence of crying.

Mitzi: "Mark, what are you doing here?"

As complete confusion takes over my brain, he starts humming some made up theme song and strikes a heroic pose.

Mark: "Don’t cry fair maiden! I have come to save you!"
Mitzi: “Shhhhhh!”

I look around to see if we caught anyone’s attention… but, except for the little boy, who’s now looking at us with big scared eyes, everyone seems to be busy with their own thing.

Mitzi: "From what? Wait… how did you know I'd be here?"

He makes his way to my side and takes the seat opposite of me.

Mark: "Well, I went to the angry kookaburra this morning for a sound check with the band, and everyone was there except for you… which I thought was weird, ‘cause…you’re ALWAYS there."
Mitzi: “That’s not…particularly true…”
Mark: “I think it is….”
Mitzi: “Anyway…”
Mark: "Anyway, when I asked around, Janet told me you’d resigned from your volunteer position…"
Resigned? More like they kicked me out…
Mark: "since you were leaving Imber city for good."
Mark: "Of course, I couldn't believe it, so I tried to call you."
Mitzi: "With Janet’s phone."
Mark: "With Janet’s phone."’
Mitzi: "that explains all of those calls this morning."
Mark: "Yeah, since you weren't picking up I got worried. So I hijacked her phone and ran all the way to the train station to keep you from making the biggest mistake of your life!
I nearly coughed up a lung running all this way, but here I am. I probably would've missed you if it weren't for your bright hair."

He gives a grin as he leans over and tugs at my hair.
But then, as he leans back again, his eyes turn to concern.

Mark: "So, why are you running away?"
Mitzi: "I'm not running away."

I wish I could.
I turn my head away from him and look out the window. And the salt water starts to form in my eyes again.

Mark: “Then why are you on this train?”
Mitzi: "It's all so stupid."
Mark: "Try me."
Mitzi: "all right…"

Choice: Should I tell him
the long version or
should I go into Mitzi's super special short story mode? ( in my mind: long mode is a bit more serious, with no interruptions from Mark. MSSSS Mode will be depicted with badly drawn chibi-like drawings as the story is being told, with Mark adding to it a little bit).

Mitzi's super special short story mode:
Mitzi: "Okay… here goes…"
Mitzi: "Okay, so remember that concert where you were filling in for that drummer from the pantoofels?
Mark: "Yeah."
Mitzi: "While I was volunteering there, right? And there's this boy chatting me up…"
Mark: "Boy with the red mohawk?" ( I waved at you but you were too busy with him. I was like Mitziiiii hiiiiii ;_;)
Mitzi: "Yeah. Anyway, near the end of the concert I decided to go home… but these two girls were following me…"
Mitzi: "So I'm like: ‘ what do you want from me?’. And they start hitting me! Turns out that the guy was one of the girls’ boyfriend."
Mitzi: "So I'm like ‘Hell no! You do not mess with Mitzi!’ and I kick one of them in the ovaries and punched the other in the face… but of course some cop had to come between us, and of course he decides to pick on me and let the others go. “

I stumble over my words as I tell him about the rest of that night.

Mitzi: "And so, now I'm on my way to my grandmother to be turned into a nun or something."
Mark: "They’re totally over reacting."
Mitzi: "Totally. I mean it's not like I did drugs or anything."
Mark: "I know. I've seen worse."
Mark: "Hey, you can still run away…"
Mark: "Or..well…"
Mark: "You can move in with me!"
Mitzi: "I… what?"
Mark: "You know, we can start from where we left off…. Last year…"
Mitzi: "Are you crazy? I would never move in with you! Your place is worse than a nuclear wasteland! I swear, last time I stayed with you, I saw a mutated cockroach making a pb and jelly sandwich! “

Mitzi: “Besides, I thought we both agreed that we shouldn't start a relationship."
Mark: "It was worth a shot…"
Mark gives a smile and shrugs his shoulders, but there’s a tinge of disappointment in his words.
An awkward silence falls as he looks around the train, avoiding my gaze for a moment. Then he looks up at me again.
Mark: "Hey, we still have like three hours to go, did you bring any games?"
Mitzi: "No."
Mark starts to dig through my bags anyway. At one point it looks like he's found something…
Mark: "Woooah! You brought a notepad!"
He starts to dig a little deeper, and I worry about how I will fit all of that stuff back into my bags again.
Mark: "And a pen! Awesome!"
Mark: "Let’s play hangman!"
Choice: yes/no

( after the hangman game, Mitzi ends up falling asleep and Mark wakes her up, telling her they’ve arrived in Fulmen. Depending on the choices you’ve made, he either gets cheeky and kisses Mitzi and goes back in the train, or just waves her good bye. In both cases you’d get his phone number so you can contact him later on).











if you've come this far... any critique would be nice ( be brutal but I apologize if I can't correct my mistakes right away... I think it boils down to practice practice practice )

[ebi brain]

So... for the short test game,

I (thank goodness) still have the script up until day two...
But.. I threw away all my flow charts >_< NICE. And I'll have to refresh my memory a bit with renpy:\ Everything looks a bit alien to me now, while back then my thoughts were: PFFFT as long as I have my flow charts, this is a piece of cake!

I really need to calm down my RSI fury when it arises haha. Or make scans of everything I write on pape, back them up and hide the usb stick, so I can't delete the files.