Errant Heart - Salima Branch

[Voight-Kampff]

So here's the Salima branch.

It continues right after the end of "Settling In".

This demo is pretty bare-bones. It runs approximately four hours. It uses all the same sprites and BGs that you've seen in the previous demos. There's very little in the way of special effects and there are no event images. There is place-holder music throughout as well as sound effects. Finally, there are no user-selectable options. This represents the "base" Salima branch. In the finalized version, there will be a series of choices that will then allow the player to continue on to two different branches.

Just like the previous versions, this was written before seeking any insight from LSF. So it's likely to fall victim to all the previous idiosyncrasies that I've demonstrated—and that many of you have pointed out. That being said, don't hesitate to mention what you don't like (well, and what you like, too).

What's really important in this demo is: how does the story play out? How is the character interaction and development? Those are the two questions that I feel are the most important to ask.

PC Version
http://www.errantheart.net/pre-pre-alph ... -win32.zip

Mac Version
http://www.errantheart.net/pre-pre-alph ... ch-mac.zip

Linux Version
http://www.errantheart.net/pre-pre-alph ... 86.tar.bz2

[sayuri]

I'm sorry but I got a 404 from the Windows link. Is it just me or is anyone else getting that? (I tried the link with both Firefox and Explorer, no good)

[Voight-Kampff]

Hmm. Not sure why that was happening. Perhaps PHPBB was messing something up? Well, whatever the case, the links should work now.

[Voight-Kampff]

Well, while I did note that we weren't in any particular hurry for feedback, I have to say I was expecting at least a little bit in the course of two weeks. Then again, I imagine there's probably a lot of end-of-the-school-year activity going on and other assorted obligations that everyone has IRL.

That being said, it doesn't really look like this closed testing with just a dozen-or-so people is going to work out. So, after this branch, there won't be anything else posted for testing/feedback. We'll find some other way. But, thanks to everyone who has participated thus far. It has been quite helpful.

[CaesMRaenes]

Finished with this branch, finally. Most are going to be under spoiler so have fun reading white text.

First off, this was a particularly long one to read. And though it is true that I was juggling some other books to read for college, this branch was actually difficult to get into.

I believe it's because of the slow beginning.

During the time, Lira was simply minding her own business and nothing was happening to catch much of my attention. There wasn't much interaction with people because of her need to avoid contact and she simply stayed in her room, rather than go out to places and search for things to be inspired by.

I suppose it's all part of her personality but it was really slow and difficult to get into.

Once Salima appeared though, that was when things picked up. I felt more compelled to read then compared towards the beginning.

And I was really interested in everything that happened, specifically when Nina was left in charge of the house.

I love her bright and button personality and it was enjoyable to follow.

This branch completely flipped my view of Cassandra. I thought that she was good friends with Salima but that last scene just blew my mind. She pulled off, excuse me, a "dick move" and played it off without a problem. Man, that took me by surprise and I really want to know what else could happen.

Here's a few nit-picking throughout the script.

• "The morning chill helps me wake up without the slightest bit of hesitation this morning."

  There's a problem here. Read it and you will see that there's a repetition of words and themes. You might want to correct that since that threw me off a bit towards the beginning.
  
  Time wasn't clear when Lira had to meet up with Salima for the first, scheduled time. And there wasn't much of a reaction to remind the reader, "Hey, I'm seeing her Friday or whatever."

  "Just go ahead and take the tray into the *dinning room."

  Spelling error. In fact, you spelled "dining" wrong in multiple places. Keep an eye out for that.
  
  During the part where Lira goes and picks up medication, it was rather anti-climactic. I would've liked some more interaction between her and Karl even if it feels forced and she shrinks away.
  The scene where Lira first ties Salima's hair with a ribbon would be more impactful if the sprite for Salima started with her hair down, rather with her hair up.
  You spelled "bringing" incorrectly during these statements. Watch yourself there.
  Misspelling: Cassandra: "I thought by brining you here, we'd be able to get away from the trouble. I guess…"
  Misspelling: Brining my hand up to my head, I brush the side of my face.
  Misspelling: Brining my hand to my temple, I rub it gently.

That's about all for opinions and statements. If you would like me to post this in the branch thread, I can do that, but for now, I'm PMing it to you since I'm not sure otherwise.

Thanks for letting us test out your story. I look forward to the finished product.

[Voight-Kampff]

You had sent me a PM earlier, CaesMRaenes, wondering if it was still okay to post in this forum. I guess I have to apologize. I didn't mean to imply with my last post that the forum was shut down - just that after this branch we wouldn't be doing the same sort of beta testing. I'd still very much like to hear everyone's thoughts on this branch.

That being said...

You're quite right about the slowness of the story when it's just Lira. I knew I was playing with fire with such a character. She's really a very private, passive person without something external pushing her along. The trick seems to be minimizing the amount of time the reader has to to sit through boring segments, while at the same time, conveying Lira's base personality.

As for Cassandra...

*rubs hands together in stereotypical evil master-mind way* Excellent. That's exactly the reaction I was looking for.

As for the sequence in which Lira goes to pick up the medication...

I purposefully made the sequence anti-climactic. Or rather, I chose to after-the-fact. To be honest, the entire sequence was basically broadcasting that the reader should expect Lira to run into Karl. I thought that would be a little droll. So I removed it - keeping only the anxiety that Lira experiences over the mere prospect of running across Karl. Tho, I could certainly entertain other ideas for the sequence.

As for the ribbon-tying sequence...

Oh, absolutely. As it stands, we're still dealing with a limited amount of place-holder sprites. If anything, I think the scene deserves a special event CG - because it really is an important moment for both characters.

And, as always, I much appreciate the spelling and grammatical corrections. I'll throw them onto the pile...