The Brothel Owner could use help(NSFW but safe for post)

[nerdy]

Genre : Business Simulation/Brothel Sim/Eroge

Note : No need to give me tips about this forum. I am not new. I just have a second account so that my first will not be involved with eroge/hentai games.

Plot : You play a 19-year-old guy evicted from his apartment. When he asks for help from his mother, she tells him to go to his aunt. She them tells him a family secret : she owns a brothel!

Now he has to take it over!

Note : This is a DARK fetish game. It contains lots of evil characters (even though I try to make the Main Character a nice person)

OK, so for this game, I have some concept art and a blog, but I need help! Here is what I need help with :

[Writing] :


Yes, writing! You see, I have a big problem. I don't know how to balance the main character being good and evil for the intro. I will put the part where I get confused in a spoiler :

[This spoiler contains a fragement of an adult game script - PyTom]

label beginning_4 :

$ cash -= 500



#her eyes close in relief

j "Oh yeah. This is a good one! I just got her today."

j "Before you go....Can I get a moment with her?"

menu :
"Yes." :

$ jacob_points += 5

j "Thanks. You are a really nice guy."

#jacob takes the girl into a room

mc_name "Hmm....I better take a look at what he is doing."

#looks into the room

#jacob is masterbating and cums on the girl's skirt

j "Mmm.....Ugh..."

#take her out of the room

j "OK. I hope you have fun with her!"

mc_name "Umm....Yeah...."

jump beginning_5




"No!" :

j "Aww....."

jump beginning_5






label beginning_5 :

mc_name "So.....What's your name."

stranger "I-It's %(b_girl_name)s..."

b_girl_name "Please....Please let me go! I don't wanna be forced in this!"

mc_name "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do any of this! It just happened so fast!"

b_girl_name "Why did you buy me then!"

mc_name "I.....I was gonna take over a brothel but.....I can't do this!"

b_girl_name "Then let me go!"

mc_name "OK, I will-"

#suddenly jacob comes behind her and knocks her out.

j "That was close! You almost let her go."

mc_name "Why did you do that!?"

aunt "He did that because you were to weak to do it."

mc_name "Auntie, I can not do this. This industry and this guy is evil!"

j "Hey....I prefer to think of myself as 'EXTREMLY EVIL'."

j "Anyway, I will pack her into your car while you guys talk it out."

mc_name "How can you do this to people!?"

aunt "Look...I won't lie. This is an evil job...."

mc_name "I know!"

jump beginning_6

[Concept Art] :

Since these headshots will not always be so cheap, I need someone to do sketches of characters (hopefully fullbody). Even though all styles are accepted, I really like Durarara orCowboy Bebop style. So will be under 18+. Some 18+





Concepts :

[desulishor]

My morals are on the pure side, but I know of the 'H' so I figured I'd give my two cents on the writing problem you mentioned.

Since your MC starts out as a 'newbie' I guess presenting him as somewhat pure is a natural choice, but don't make him too wimpy, that will definitely piss off players who know what they're playing for. Right now, from what I saw, he is starting to lean towards this wimpy side. Being against the idea is acceptable, screaming like a little girl (forgive my language) is not.
And you should always have as many choices as possible, and let the player define what they're willing to do with each girl, even let him go completely against the main idea. Say, play the good guy and escape with a girl or so. Well, same should go for the other side, letting the player be as mean as they like. But in any case, what I'd want to see would be an honest attempt to embrace romance and character development in a darker environment, instead of a financial minigame splattered with hentai pictures, which this could easily become if you get lazy about it.

[nerdy]

My morals are on the pure side, but I know of the 'H' so I figured I'd give my two cents on the writing problem you mentioned.

Since your MC starts out as a 'newbie' I guess presenting him as somewhat pure is a natural choice, but don't make him too wimpy, that will definitely piss off players who know what they're playing for. Right now, from what I saw, he is starting to lean towards this wimpy side. Being against the idea is acceptable, screaming like a little girl (forgive my language) is not.
And you should always have as many choices as possible, and let the player define what they're willing to do with each girl, even let him go completely against the main idea. Say, play the good guy and escape with a girl or so. Well, same should go for the other side, letting the player be as mean as they like. But in any case, what I'd want to see would be an honest attempt to embrace romance and character development in a darker environment, instead of a financial minigame splattered with hentai pictures, which this could easily become if you get lazy about it.

That is a good idea! I will use your advice and rewrite some things!

[Caveat Lector]

Just something that mildly bothers me is this dialogue:

mc_name "Auntie, I can not do this. This industry and this guy is evil!"

j "Hey....I prefer to think of myself as 'EXTREMLY EVIL'."

j "Anyway, I will pack her into your car while you guys talk it out."

mc_name "How can you do this to people!?"

aunt "Look...I won't lie. This is an evil job...."

mc_name "I know!"

My problem is...well...who actually TALKS like that? Does anyone seriously say

"I prefer to think of myself as 'EXTREMLY EVIL'" or "This is an evil job"? First of all, why did the aunt take over the brothel in the first place if she knows it's "evil"? Was she forced to? Was she under destitute circumstances? Is she just an evil sadist who likes to kick puppies in her spare time? Or did you establish her back story and motivation before this scene? And second, you might want to give Jacob more realistic dialogue. If you knew nothing about Hannibal Lecter and first met him on the streets, would he strike you as the type of person who could eat people? If you sat down and had coffee with Annie Wilkes for the first time, would you think she'd be capable of torturing her favourite author just to force him to retcon the death of her favourite character?

And just another tip--if you want your protagonist's potential dark transition to feel more natural, I would suggest researching "The Lucifer Effect". Or perhaps read up on the Milgram Experiment, or the Stanford Prison Experiment. And don't just stop at the end of the research study--also read up on WHY the people involved in these experiments did what they did--some people tend to make the mistake of thinking that the point of the research was "People are just EVIL". The point was trying to figure out WHY people do bad things even if they know it's wrong, not to affirm that people are bad. There's a lot more to the nature of evil than just "people do bad things because they can".

[nerdy]

@Caveat :

I had came up with her character a long time ago, but not her motive. Since she is not completely evil, I guess the reason could be that she had no choice.


As for Jacob, the reason I wrote him like that was it's suppose to be a bit of a comedy so I thought that line would fit .He can be kind of a Robot Devil from futurama type character (talks seemingly polite but still also shows his evil side in extreme ways).

Also, if you have online links to those books, please give me the link.

[Caveat Lector]

Ah, so it is intended to be comical. Then that's okay. Just make sure it's not too abrupt of a tonal shift.

The Lucifer Effect.

The Milgram Experiment.

The Stanford Prison Experiment.

From what you're describing, The Stanford Prison Experiment might best fit the scenario here.

[FatUnicornGames]

Yeah, if you want an interesting "Bad Guy" then think of it like this, even the worst people in history generally thought they were doing the right thing. Nobody is like, "Yep, I'm evil, so what?", they are like, "You may think what I am doing is evil, but in reality it is for the greater good." Another way to have her look at it is perhaps she just feels like there is always going to be a sex industry, so why shouldn't she be catering to that need? Just some thoughts.

Maybe even do some research into real bordellos/brothels and madams of the past, people in the sex industry don't usually think of themselves as so gross and evil. A lot of them are either making money quick because they need to and some even think they are doing the community a service.

[nerdy]

@Caveat :

I just read the Stanford Prison Experiment now. It has help a bunch! Maybe Jacob could have started out just like the MC but then over time got more and more evil.

@FatUnicornGames :

I was going to do that (making the aunt think it's kind of a good thing) but I could not find a reason for her to think that.

[nerdy]

I'm still having trouble, so a writer is still needed!