Looking for script critiquers for Cafe Memoria [closed]

For recruitment of team members to help create visual novels and story-based games, and for people who want to offer their services to create the same.
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Posts: 299
Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2009 7:36 pm
Completed: Final Week, CardioQuiz, Cafe Memoria, All I Want for Christmas is a Girlfriend
Projects: Memoria (on hiatus), Cafe Memoria Deux
Organization: PixaelSoft
Location: Southern CA

Looking for script critiquers for Cafe Memoria [closed]

#1 Post by thebackup » Mon Apr 21, 2014 4:15 pm


Closed! Thanks to those who volunteered!

* Click here for corresponding blog post.
* Project Thread

I'm looking for a few people to critique the scripts of Cafe Memoria.

Story and characters overview
Café Memoria is a new restaurant in town, run and operated by a woman named Elena Pervova. You, as the male protagonist (Ryne), are curious about this restaurant and decide to eat lunch there. As you enter, you are greeted by a female friend of yours, and the daughter of the owner of the restaurant, Anna, who happens to be quite shy. Since she works here, perhaps this is an opportunity for her to improve. How well do you think she will do?

Ryne Reyes
Pronounced: rhine
Ryne is the main male protagonist who visits Café Memoria simply out of curiosity. Described as calm and friendly by his friends, he likes to help his friends with the problems they face.

Anna Pervova
Anna is the daughter of the owner of the restaurant, Elena. She startles easily and is quite shy. Her mother thinks that by allowing her daughter to work, her confidence will improve. However, she doesn’t think so. Because of her personality she tends to fidget a lot and is quite clumsy.

Mikaela Kier
Pronounced: mi-kay-la
Mikaela is Ryne’s childhood friend, and is somewhat overprotective of him. She inadvertently broke something expensive, and now she’s forced into a part-time job to pay it off. She has a very short temper and loses patience easily. Often gets into petty arguments with Julia.

Tristina Hamilton
Tristina decided to work at the restaurant because she thinks they’re cosplaying, although Anna insists they’re not. Despite this, she has a hard time with males and treats them differently compared to females.

Aurelia Alvarez
Pronounced: oh-reel-ya
Aurelia wanted to work at the restaurant because of a certain guy she knows is a regular there, who she considers a very sweet guy. She is perhaps the nicest, and the most physically attractive girl in the restaurant, albeit airheaded and lacking in common sense.

Julia Sakuraba
Despite having a talent for cooking, Julia opted to be a waitress in hopes of improving her relationships with her friends, including Anna. She’s very modest and polite, and downplays any accomplishments she’s done.

Elena Pervova
Anna’s mother, and owner of Café Memoria. Although you never see her in the game, her name is mentioned several times throughout. She is described as an easygoing woman who likes to tell embarrassing stories about her daughter.

Here's more overview / progress of the project: Click Here and Here

What you'll be looking at:
Six Word 2010 script draft documents. An overview + the scripts; note the routes are played in this order:
* Overview of story, characters, and system
* Anna's route: 7 pages, 2683 words
* Mikaela's route: 7 pages, 3406 words
* Tristina's route: 7 pages, 3629 words
* Aurelia's route: 9 pages, 3714 words
* Julia's route: 11 pages, 4338 words

Script sample:
Click Here

What I'm looking for:
* Overall constructive criticism
* Constructive criticism for each of the routes
* Any suggestions on describing the taste of food.
* Anything else as long as it's constructive!

Keep in mind that this is a small and free VN, so this will be a collaboration.

Interested? Email me here, or send me a PM with your email, and I'll give you a google drive link to the scripts. Try to give me feedback (email or PM) within two weeks, between now and May 6th (trying to get this done before or around July!).

Let me know if you have any questions... Thanks!
My online portfolio and Memoria blog (a VN in progress)
Play the Café Memoria Deux Demo

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