Blue Rose VN story need help! anyone..?

[YuukiCrossPudding]

Blue Rose

Prologue

Everyday just the same routines, I wake up, go to school, eat, sleep and that's going over and over everyday.
Just a cycle. I just wish there's something I can do... Something make me feel important, make me complete.
I have good family, good friends, good life...
If people see it from the outside.
But actually there's more...more I need...
I need something that has been lost from me.
But I don't know what is that.

"Reina! Wake up! You'll be late for school"

"Yeah,mom! I'm already wake up..."

I went to downstairs, having my breakfast like usual.

"Now, there where's my little angel smile today?"

I see my dad and give him a little smile on my face

"Now that's my daughter, well you better hurry up, you don't want to be late don't you?"

"Well of course not dad, I must give a speech at school today"

"That's my girl, you got the highest rank at school again"

After saying good bye to my parent I walk to the school

The sky is clear today, the wind blowing softly and

the children laugh can be heard from the park as I pass it.

Suddenly the sky turn dark and the dark clouds come, and it start to raining

"Well how convenient! This is a great way to start a day, and I forget to bring my umbrella!"

Then I see an old temple, well good enough for sheltering me from the rain I think.

As I go inside the temple, the temple so old and there's no one here, I guess it's abandoned

The rain didn't stop, it's getting worse, now there's lightning

I looked around and saw a door, small door. I know I shouldn't but my foot move on it's own

I walk slowly and open the door, I go inside, it's dark here and I can't see anything,

but my body move on it's own, guiding me.

I walk right, left, right, left, and deeper inside the temple like it doesn't end.

Finally I arrived at the deepest part of the temple, It's a dead end.

My heart beating so fast, not because I'm scared but...

I see a beautiful light, covered by a glass lid standing there in a small pilar.

It's a rose, a blue rose. The most beautiful, more than beautiful I've ever seen.

Not ordinary blue, it's deeper than the blue ocean and brighter than the sky.

The blue like everything in this world don't have, it's...perfect.

I can't think anymore, I move my hand to touch it.

Slowly I open the glass lid and touch the rose, it's warm and it's cold at the same time.

I take the rose and look at it. So beautiful, glowing so soft...I want to look at it forever, this is a real blue

and it's just me, just me...

Suddenly I feel my hand froze, but I don't care if I have this...blue rose

It's mine...it's all mine... then my feet begin to froze, my body, my entire hand...

It's okay...If I can see and have this rose, forever I'll froze with it.

It's mine...forever.


Eps 1

"Well we can just pray that Reina can be found quickly"

The teacher was giving an announcement, one of the senior at my school is lost.

She's nowhere to be found, the last person who see her is her parent, and she's going to the school.
Since then she never seen again.

"Eh, Kei about that senior..."

One of my friends call me from behind.
She's one of my closest friends, well not that close really but she like to talk with me.
Maybe because I sit in front of her.

"Hm? What about her?"

"Well it's just that she got the highest score every time right? She's known as the most beautiful, clever, kind student in this school"

"So..?"

"Well it's just weird that she's disappear..pof!just like that...maybe she's kidnapped?"

"Hm..if that's the case she'll be found quickly, this is a small town and the cops are busy looking for her right?"

"Well maybe that's possible"

"Yeah..."

The school goes on like usual, well time to go home.

I walk the usual path, but today I feel something different, it's not usual for this place to be so quiet, well this is a park after all.

"Kei..to.."

"Huh?!"

I hear someone calling my name...but where?!
I looked around but no one nearby.

Suddenly my vision get blurry, and the last thing I saw was a small foot...

"U..uh?"

I woke up...I found myself inside a room..where am I?
This room is so pretty, everything just white all white...I tried to move but I can't
I've tied in a chair with some chains...but I'm unsure this is chain or not, because it's not cold and it's not hurting me.
I tried to free myself up

"Hey!! Let me go!! Where am I?!"

I heard sound of door opened, I look the door.

There's a little girl, but she got me speechless...

She have the most pale skin I've ever saw, her hair is so long.
Then she walk towards me...and she look me in the eyes..
I got froze...her eyes is so beautiful, her eyes color is blue..but I'm not sure..
because I've never seen anything like it..this is a real blue.

"Hey"

She speak..her voice is so sweet but it's torn my heart up... because it's so cold...

"What's your name?"

I try to speak but no words can come out...after trying finally I can say some words
"Keii..keito...Kagamine.."

"Keito"

I forced myself to ask her

"Who are you?..where am I?"

"You..are where you are...I am what I am"

I want to ask her more but I can't, then she walks toward the door.

"I'll see you again"

"Huh?! what do you mean?!"

Then she closed the door, I just silently sit there, the I realized the chain gone.
So I walk and try to open the door but I can't open it.
I look around, and see the room. The decoration full of roses, all white roses, except one
There's a sculpture of a girl holding a red rose.
I don't know why but the sculpture like taking me in..then I grab it.

"Huh?!"

Suddenly I opened my eyes, I find myself inside my room.
I'm shocked, then I heard my mom

"Keito! Have a lunch!"

My mom call me, then I went down..

"Mom?!How I can get here?!"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"It's just I collapsed and how I can go home?"

"Well by walking! You don't collapsed my dear..I saw you walk to upstairs, then you sleep on your bed, I call you but you already asleep"

"huh??"

After having my lunch I go upstairs...I'm thinking, it's that just a dream? But it feel so real!
I..I don't know why..but I want to see her again..that girl...
Then I smell something,when I see my table, there's a sculpture. The same sculpture that I grab.

"Then...it's not a dream?"

That day change my entire life, my entire fate, this entire world fate.

Well that's a story I make, I already prepare the next...but too lazy to type now.
I'm planning to make VN based on it
but I'm new, so maybe It'll turn out not good
and I think my grammars suck!
Maybe someone interested in helping me making it? Well I can write the script
I'm making VN for fun only though...

[Applegate]

You've got a lot of "describing actions". I think it'd read better if you tried to make those implied rather than explicit.

Examples such as "I'm shocked, then I heard my mom". Try to express shock. For example:

--

Hnn... where am I...? Is this... is this my room?
When did I get here? Wasn't I just-- was that a dream? Wh- what happened?!

"Keito! Lunch is ready!"

Mom? I have to ask her...!

--

The scene you've written isn't entirely "bad", but it's like a narrator describing everything from a distance. When writing in first person, you want to make the reader experience the narrator's plight. One way to do that is to make it seem as if you're reading their mind, rather than having them relate a story to you.

My advice to you is to write the VN out first. Don't worry about music and pictures and everything. Once you've finished writing, you can filch those off the internet, and then once you've proven to yourself that you can finish a project you begin, you can ask other people to provide music and graphics if you so feel inclined.

[Marcelo_Orlando]

First VN, wow those are always the "eye-openers". Another good idea is to think about the story from the gamer's view. Also maybe think about the story from the character's view, what they see, think, feel.

[YuukiCrossPudding]

Hehehe thanks for the advices
well this is actually my first story I ever write
Well I actually write it in the paper, then I type it
and...I'm a bit lazy so I cut some scene etc.
I'll try to make all the story first maybe...
I'll fix it later
and thank you again!