Pitching Your Visual Novel - What's Your Premise?

[wakagana]

Reading a good deal of these and thinking of how I would even start to 'swoon' people into trying driftwood, I cant help but think of this and lolololol

[dramspringfeald]

Reading a good deal of these and thinking of how I would even start to 'swoon' people into trying driftwood, I cant help but think of this and lolololol

Well that IS what a Premise is. It's a little teaser that tells people what your game/movie is all about.

[Hijiri]

12 people have been thrown into a forest with a bomb implanted within them and a condition of freedom. Failure to meet the condition will result in death, while success will equal liberation. Things will not be easy, however, for along with these conditions a special clause has been given to each Player, one that can forbid them from clearing their objective easily, or force them to take action against the other Players: the Death Rule.

In this game of deceit and manipulation, who will be left standing in the end?

ANything I can change/add/remove?

You really need more information. The pitch is too vague - a reader won't know what the condition for freedom is, and that is a BIG part of the setup it seems. Also, the reader needs to know WHY these people have been put into this situation. And you need to make what the "Death Rule" is more clear, rather than title checking your game for the sake of it. Note that none of the Minority Report pitches I showed earlier mentioned the fact that the a false positive in the future prediction machine was called a "Minority Report" because that wasn't important when pitching the premise and hooking people.

Let's look at a Battle Royale pitch (since, unless I am mistaken, your story is influenced by it):

In a future where society is on the verge of collapse, a class of junior high students are taken to a deserted island where, as part of a ruthless authoritarian program, they are forced to kill each other until only one survivor is left standing. Can the students murder their own friends? More importantly, which of their friends is willing to kill them?

See, the audience hearing the pitch doesn't need to know what the "ruthless authoritarian program" is, but they need to know about it to know WHY the students are on an island killing each other. And more importantly, the basic premise is quickly established, as well as the GOAL of the story, a hint at what the central conflict will be. The pitch for Battle Royale let's us know that the plot will NOT be focused on overcoming the government or escaping the Program. Instead, the focus is going to be on trust and interpersonal conflict between friends suddenly made enemies.

The pitch should let the audience know:
1) The genre or setting to expect. (In a future where society is on the verge of collapse - Dystopian future)

This let's the audience create expectations. Is it going to be a drama, a comedy, or slice of life or a science fiction story? This let's them know how to frame

2) The Plot

What IS the story? What is the central conflict? The audience should be able to imagine some scenarios or possible solutions in their head.

Thanks for that! So let's see now..

In a distant world where the descendants of humanity begin to recover from a global war, 12 people have been thrown into a forest by an organization simply known as "The Committee" with a bomb implanted into them and a PDA containing a condition of freedom for each of them. To add to the Player's dilemma, the Committee has added 1 more thing to this game: along with their clear conditions each player has been given a Death Rule, a unique prohibition or condition the Player must meet along with their clear condition in order to stay alive.
No one knows what the other Player's conditions are, or what Rule had been placed upon them. Being alone is a disadvantage, but in a deadly game such as this, how do you know who to trust?

[OokamiKasumi]

I'd rewrite that one something like this:

When the Bell Rings
In a high stakes gambling competition where Luck is a tangible commodity, and Deception a practiced skill, the player could walk away exceptionally rich, or exceptionally dead.

And yes, this was a little difficult because it's actually a game, not a traditional VN, and it has very little in the way of story or characters.

Oh! In that case, reword it this way:

When the Bell Rings
A high stakes gambling competition where Luck is a tangible commodity, and Deception a practiced skill where the player could walk away exceptionally rich, or exceptionally dead.

[Faze]

Let's see, if I had to pitch my game in three sentences or less, had a gun pointed to my head and weren't given any time to think I'd go with:

"He's a manic-depressive claustrophobic college student stuck inside a blimp in the bottom of the ocean. He's a pyromaniac reporter also stuck inside the very same blimp in the bottom of the ocean. They fight crime!"

Which is a surprisingly accurate summary of my game. Haven't gotten around to creating a thread over at Work in Progress because even though some things are done(Story, Programming, Character Art) I'm still commissioning backgrounds and GUI and I figure there's no point in creating a thread until I got screenshots. I figure I only got one chance to make a good first impression. But back on topic, jokes aside, I think my pitches would depend on who I was pitching it to.

The year is 2046 and 10 people find themselves trapped inside a blimp in the bottom of the ocean; everyone haunted by the knowledge that they are all infected with a strange virus that will bring about their death in three days. The only way to escape both the blimp and certain death is by stealing somebody else's special clock, which they were given shortly before the accident. Meanwhile, the closed off location in addition to a mysterious calling card leads Drake, a rather self-loathing college student to believe that one of his friends is the thief--and the mastermind behind this mysterious problem.

But that's a bit too long and I cheated with the semi colon. So the short version would be...

Ten people find themselves trapped inside a blimp in the bottom of the ocean. A mysterious virus soon causes a spread of murder and mystery to spread out throughout the blimp. The player will then be in charge of unraveling the mystery by solving numerous puzzles.

[Endorphin]

Blood is thicker than water. But when Fortune turns 18 and has to decide about a life she wonders if Oxygent is really that different.

That would be my try for 1plus3.
Still needs more work, I might retry soon. =/

Thank you for posting this, Obscura, as this gives me something to think about. :>

- R.

[Geckos]

Jacob's Island floats high above the wreckage of the old world. You play Jacob as he struggles to cope with being the last human in a world now filled with magic and monsters. Will he drown in the memories of his life from another time, or embrace the fantastical opportunities that await him at the Academy of Ancient Magics?

The name of the university may change. I'm not the writer, but I'm here, pitching! Hehe.

[Desu_Cake]

Gonna give this one more try.

Mark has been put in charge of a particularly gruesome murder and disappearance case. As if that wasn't enough, he's been forcibly enlisted into the army in order to fight off an invading demon horde. Worst of all is that on top of all that, he has to deal with one of his subordinates expressing her love for him through increasingly elaborate practical jokes all day every day.

[dramspringfeald]

A Man stranded on a tropical paradise must fight ancient creatures of hell. Join John, Tina and Kimi on a journey to save the island and world from a fate outside their control.

Caribbean Blue: Cat scratch fever!

Cat Girls belong to Nekonny of Caribbean Blue

[Nimuell]

I'm really confused how to combine action-heavy premise in a three sentence pitch. I tried my best and got four.

In a hurry to get to her night shift in time, young pathologist Jane kills a man in a car accident. She tries to cover up her crime by bringing his body to the morgue and performing autopsy on him. Confused, Carl wakes up in the middle of it and now is determined to find and repay his killer. In the interest of science and hoping she could still somehow atone for her sin, Jane promises to help middle-aged zombie despite the dangers such a promise may withhold.

It somehow still feels wrong no mater how many times I re-word it.

[Darkmoonfire]

I'm really confused how to combine action-heavy premise in a three sentence pitch. I tried my best and got four.

In a hurry to get to her night shift in time, young pathologist Jane kills a man in a car accident. She tries to cover up her crime by bringing his body to the morgue and performing autopsy on him. Confused, Carl wakes up in the middle of it and now is determined to find and repay his killer. In the interest of science and hoping she could still somehow atone for her sin, Jane promises to help middle-aged zombie despite the dangers such a promise may withhold.

It somehow still feels wrong no mater how many times I re-word it.

If you want to bring the sentence count down to three, then I'd try to combine the first two sentences. Also, my mind paused for a bit in the third sentence to go "Wait, is Carl some random dude that happened to fall asleep in the morgue, or is Carl the car accident victim and happens to be a zombie?" Continuing reading confirmed the zombie explanation, but to keep my train of thought in tact, I'd mention that Carl's a zombie as soon as that sentence starts.

Young pathologist Jane brings the body of Carl to the morgue to preform autopsy on it to cover the fact that she killed him in a car accident. Confused, the now zombified Carl wakes up in the middle of this, and is now determined to find and repay his killer. Jane promises to help the middle-aged zombie in spite of the dangers such a promise may hold, in the interest of science and with hopes to atone for her sin.

I also changed the sentences so that Jane's actions are mentioned before her motivation for the actions. It felt more natural to me like that.

[Nimuell]

@Darkmoonfire
Thank you, this looks a bit better, though I cannot say I'm entirely sure... still far from perfection. I had my doubts about placing Carl's name there too, you are right, it's not clear who that Carl is.
But I guess it's best not to be fixated on three sentences, combined they look too long, I think?
Also "now zombified Carl" sounds a bit... hinting that Jane turned him into zombie, and that's not right. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.
Still thank you, I'll think more about it.

I also changed the sentences so that Jane's actions are mentioned before her motivation for the actions. It felt more natural to me like that.

Thanks, that's something I needed to learn too.

[Darkmoonfire]

Also "now zombified Carl" sounds a bit... hinting that Jane turned him into zombie, and that's not right. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.

Oh, it really does seem to imply that. I don't think you're thinking too much, that probably should be changed.
I realize that my version far from perfect, but I'm glad to able to provide what help I can.

[Carassaurat]

In a hurry to get to her night shift in time, young pathologist Jane kills a man in a car accident. She tries to cover up her crime by bringing his body to the morgue and performing autopsy on him. Confused, Carl wakes up in the middle of it and now is determined to find and repay his killer. In the interest of science and hoping she could still somehow atone for her sin, Jane promises to help middle-aged zombie despite the dangers such a promise may withhold.

If the purpose of a pitch is to word what you've got in the best way possible, then yeah, it could use a bit better phrasing; but if the purpose is to see whether the idea is good in the first place, I think you've got a good one. You've got a protagonist with an interesting background, an opening hook that's exciting but not absurd in the form of a car accident, an interesting motivation ("atone for her sin") and possibility for plenty of dilemmas. It's one of the few VNs here that I'd play purely on the pitch, even if that pitch isn't worded as sleekly as some of the others are.

[Nimuell]

@Darkmoonfire, thanks! I'm glad I got this right then.

@Carassaurat, oh wow... This is the best compliment I could've received. I'm glad that despite the wording for the pitch not being the best, you still find the idea interesting and worthy of attention. I hope it doesn't sound overly confident, but I love the conflict and premise of this VN myself, and that's why I'll try my best to find a perfect way to word it. Thanks!