Pitching Your Visual Novel - What's Your Premise?

[junna]

That sounds MUCH better to me, actually! Thank you! (and I am glad you found potential in that one as well)

no worries! I actually think the 2nd and 3rd sentence could be joined together like this

Now she has to make sure none of them know about the blog, especially when she starts to get uncomfortably close to some of her classmates.

so you can have an additional sentence (preferably shorter than the previous sentence).

I'm working on making the steampunk sounding pitch (2nd) sound more enticing. lol. because steampunk needs more love!

[AlgaeDrone]

I'm just picking a few out of here, somewhat at random. In a little bit I'll make one for my own project, I guess.

Freelance writer and internet blogger Candice Cane has been looking for a new project to occupy her time, and it seems as if a new cooking class opening up close by may be the answer. Now she just needs to keep her classmates and teacher from finding out she has started a new blog about the class... and them. Especially when she starts to get uncomfortably close to some of her classmates.

This one sounds like it has the most potential out of the three listed, however I will say that that might only be because #2 seems to deal a lot with the setting, and #3 seems to deal a lot with the characters. I mean I'm no expert, but when I initially hear a story's premise or pitch or whatever, I like to hear the main starting point to that story and get a sense of where it's going to go or where the main conflict is going. And it is a problem - in stories with unusual fantasy or sci-fi settings, you do need to take precious time to explain the setting. And in stories that depend on a lot of characters, you also need to find a way to describe them and how they fit into the story. So I get that it's really tough for those second and 3rd premises I mentioned earlier. But maybe they could be reworded or even lengthened some to make them more clear.

We are not alone in the galaxy. Dr. Evelyn Williams finds that out first hand when she's abducted - and they need her help.
But when the aliens look and act just like us, where do you draw the line?

I'd maybe suggest just a little bit more information. And you could probably combine some of those sentences with reasonable ease, so that you could add some more info on where the plot's going to head.

" The personal protector of the Englightened One's daughter went "missing" yesterday.
Due to my perfect track record as a member of the Enlightened Ones Personal Guard, I'm been switched to daughter duty as a replacement. Problem is, if the Enlightened One finds out I've been harboring a crush on his daughter ever since I was stationed at the Palace, I'll be even more "missing" than my predecessor. "

Okay, now that sounds like it has a lot of potential, but - and I apologize if I sound blunt or somethign, I'm just trying to help - the whole thing is worded a little strangely. If you sort of streamlined some of it to make it more clear, I think it could be really attention grabbing. For instance, maybe switching it to second-person, instead of first person would make it flow a little better, and just other little things like that. But yeah, seems like a good idea, at least.

VERSION 1
"Making new friends, seeking comfort and sharing secrets while remaining anonymous" - transferring to a new school, Mia is required to participate in the testing of a school wide suicide prevention program that based on just that concept. Stumbling upon a secret she was never meant to uncover, she finds herself at the mercy of a faceless opponent. Will she discover his identity in time or risk having her greatest secret revealed?

VERSION 2
Transferring to a new school, a depressed girl is given the opportunity to find comfort anonymously as part of a suicide prevention program. When the secret she uncovers belongs to the famous psychologist coordinating the program, she does the worst thing possible, telling her anonymous friend.

Ah, this seems like a good chance for me to talk about something I've been thinking of. Actually, this might say more about my personal tastes that about premises and pitches in general, but...

I personally vastly prefer specifics in a short description of a story. It drives me nuts when some story description says something like... "Joe Schmo makes a grave mistake and must find a way to undo the pain that's been caused". So yeah, long story short, I like version #2, I think that one makes it a little more clear what the story is about. Don't take this the wrong way though, I'm just using this opportunity to rant, I think both are fine.

[Hijiri]

Now, only because it was pointed out, but I wanted to know how I can fix up mine:

12 people have been thrown into a forest with a bomb implanted within them and a condition of freedom. Failure to meet the condition will result in death, while success will equal liberation. Things will not be easy, however, for along with these conditions a special clause has been given to each Player, one that can forbid them from clearing their objective easily, or force them to take action against the other Players: the Death Rule.

In this game of deceit and manipulation, who will be left standing in the end?

ANything I can change/add/remove?

[Twisted-Eva]

Hmmm.... ok, I'll give it a go:

Kirkish Lieutenant Claire Parker has been tasked to assassinate the leading General of Francisia. Unknown covert agents, foreign complications, and romance riddle her path to achieve her goal and bring glory to Kirkland over the major war against Francisia. Only Claire can choose between loyalty or love with decisiveness.

[Blane Doyle]

Freelance writer and internet blogger Candice Cane has been looking for a new project to occupy her time, and it seems as if a new cooking class opening up close by may be the answer. Now she just needs to keep her classmates and teacher from finding out she has started a new blog about the class... and them. Especially when she starts to get uncomfortably close to some of her classmates.

This one sounds like it has the most potential out of the three listed, however I will say that that might only be because #2 seems to deal a lot with the setting, and #3 seems to deal a lot with the characters. I mean I'm no expert, but when I initially hear a story's premise or pitch or whatever, I like to hear the main starting point to that story and get a sense of where it's going to go or where the main conflict is going. And it is a problem - in stories with unusual fantasy or sci-fi settings, you do need to take precious time to explain the setting. And in stories that depend on a lot of characters, you also need to find a way to describe them and how they fit into the story. So I get that it's really tough for those second and 3rd premises I mentioned earlier. But maybe they could be reworded or even lengthened some to make them more clear.

I am probably less surprised than I should be that this is the one to grab attention in a visual novel community.

Actually, all three of my stories are heavily character based. Plots come at a very close second, but characters are always first and foremost to me. Great characters can carry a poor plot but poor characters rarely carry a great plot, for me anyway, so I always manage to focus on them the most.

Though you have great points about how the other two sound. The setting is very important to the second pitch, but at the same time I have it planned so the setting and characters working together and conflicting with each other is a driving point of the plot. I think I could reword it to make that a little more clear, but how to do it in 3 sentences...
I may have a problem with this one actually, I have so much going on that may be more difficult than I thought... uh oh.

3 definitely deals with the characters most. The idea is heavily urban fantasy so excessive detail into the setting isn't a necessary issue at least. I think I could reword this one with a lot less difficulty so that the plot and characters are a bit more clear (I was not find of this pitch anyway).

Thanks for the feedback!

[dramspringfeald]

A man out looking for adventure finds more then he could have wished for. Fallow (John) as he is thrust into the future and hunt for his way back home.

*Will that work? also (John is a placer because I have yet to think of a name.)

[Blane Doyle]

A man out looking for adventure finds more then he could have wished for. Fallow (John) as he is thrust into the future and hunt for his way back home.

*Will that work? also (John is a placer because I have yet to think of a name.)

(I am assuming you mean Follow XD)

This seems a bit vague... all I know from reading this is that it is a time travel adventure about (John).

Yeah, time travel is always interesting and finding a way to go back will always be interesting as well... but aside from that aspect I know nothing about the story. Where is he in the future? What is John like? Will staying in the future separate him from a family or is he a loner? Is there a reason he wouldn't rather stay in the future? Is he being hunted down by time police? How did he get sent back?

At least one of these questions answered in a pitch would make it stand out a bit more. Two would make it stand out even more, three more so, and so on. Adding just a bit more detail seems to be a good idea here. So long as it doesn't spoil too much that is!

This can be a very interesting concept with the Time Travel aspect, but without detail it just seems a bit flat.

[AlgaeDrone]

No problem, Blane. The ideas sound like they have a lot of potential, I'd love to see how they turn out.

I'll read some more posts in a bit, but first I should probably describe mine.

• • In the world of "When You Hear The Bell Ring," Luck is a tangible commodity that can be bought, traded, and given away. And now you're going to need all the Luck you can get, because you've been entered into a high stakes gambling competition where the winner will walk away an exceptionally rich man and the losers will be murdered in cold blood. I hope you're smarter than those who are seeking to kill you, because now the only way for you to survive this brutal contest is to concoct your own elaborate schemes in order to deceive and ensnare your opponents. Good Luck...

[OokamiKasumi]

• • In the world of "When You Hear The Bell Ring," Luck is a tangible commodity that can be bought, traded, and given away. And now you're going to need all the Luck you can get, because you've been entered into a high stakes gambling competition where the winner will walk away an exceptionally rich man and the losers will be murdered in cold blood. I hope you're smarter than those who are seeking to kill you, because now the only way for you to survive this brutal contest is to concoct your own elaborate schemes in order to deceive and ensnare your opponents. Good Luck...

I'd rewrite that one something like this:

When the Bell Rings
In a high stakes gambling competition where Luck is a tangible commodity, and Deception a practiced skill, the player could walk away exceptionally rich, or exceptionally dead.

Okay, so what's the Story?
-- Unless this is strictly a game, like online poker or chess?

By the way, don't use the word: "now" in anything except Dialogue. It messes with the reader's sense of time. (It screws up the sentence's tense.)

[junna]

• The era of steam power is ending and a new era of entropy induced energy is staring to arise! But untimely and disastrous side effects due to exposure to pure energy that create monsters out of a mix of organic and machine components threaten to bring the ambitious country to its knees. Only a small number of people can survive exposure without side effects and that's where our hero comes into play, the newest Clockwork Mage.

Here's my take on this... had to find entropy in dictionary lol.

• Entropy Energy Replaces Steam! The Future is Now!
  
  The future for this ambitious country however, is threatened by monsters. Monsters that are both organic and mechanical created from the exposure to the pure entropy energy. Only a small number of people can survive exposure without side effects and this is where our hero comes into play, the newest Clockwork Mage.

took me a day... LOL... //shot.

[LateWhiteRabbit]

12 people have been thrown into a forest with a bomb implanted within them and a condition of freedom. Failure to meet the condition will result in death, while success will equal liberation. Things will not be easy, however, for along with these conditions a special clause has been given to each Player, one that can forbid them from clearing their objective easily, or force them to take action against the other Players: the Death Rule.

In this game of deceit and manipulation, who will be left standing in the end?

ANything I can change/add/remove?

You really need more information. The pitch is too vague - a reader won't know what the condition for freedom is, and that is a BIG part of the setup it seems. Also, the reader needs to know WHY these people have been put into this situation. And you need to make what the "Death Rule" is more clear, rather than title checking your game for the sake of it. Note that none of the Minority Report pitches I showed earlier mentioned the fact that the a false positive in the future prediction machine was called a "Minority Report" because that wasn't important when pitching the premise and hooking people.

Let's look at a Battle Royale pitch (since, unless I am mistaken, your story is influenced by it):

In a future where society is on the verge of collapse, a class of junior high students are taken to a deserted island where, as part of a ruthless authoritarian program, they are forced to kill each other until only one survivor is left standing. Can the students murder their own friends? More importantly, which of their friends is willing to kill them?

See, the audience hearing the pitch doesn't need to know what the "ruthless authoritarian program" is, but they need to know about it to know WHY the students are on an island killing each other. And more importantly, the basic premise is quickly established, as well as the GOAL of the story, a hint at what the central conflict will be. The pitch for Battle Royale let's us know that the plot will NOT be focused on overcoming the government or escaping the Program. Instead, the focus is going to be on trust and interpersonal conflict between friends suddenly made enemies.

The pitch should let the audience know:
1) The genre or setting to expect. (In a future where society is on the verge of collapse - Dystopian future)

This let's the audience create expectations. Is it going to be a drama, a comedy, or slice of life or a science fiction story? This let's them know how to frame

2) The Plot

What IS the story? What is the central conflict? The audience should be able to imagine some scenarios or possible solutions in their head.

[Blane Doyle]

• The era of steam power is ending and a new era of entropy induced energy is staring to arise! But untimely and disastrous side effects due to exposure to pure energy that create monsters out of a mix of organic and machine components threaten to bring the ambitious country to its knees. Only a small number of people can survive exposure without side effects and that's where our hero comes into play, the newest Clockwork Mage.

Here's my take on this... had to find entropy in dictionary lol.

• Entropy Energy Replaces Steam! The Future is Now!
  
  The future for this ambitious country however, is threatened by monsters. Monsters that are both organic and mechanical created from the exposure to the pure entropy energy. Only a small number of people can survive exposure without side effects and this is where our hero comes into play, the newest Clockwork Mage.

took me a day... LOL... //shot.

Oh, good, it's not me after all. It's my PREMISE that is the problem. XD

I gotta say that I love the tagline at the beginning! And that is a great opening line after it. Definitely glad you took a look at it and gave a shot at working it over. Thank you!

[AlgaeDrone]

I'd rewrite that one something like this:

When the Bell Rings
In a high stakes gambling competition where Luck is a tangible commodity, and Deception a practiced skill, the player could walk away exceptionally rich, or exceptionally dead.

Okay, so what's the Story?
-- Unless this is strictly a game, like online poker or chess?

By the way, don't use the word: "now" in anything except Dialogue. It messes with the reader's sense of time. (It screws up the sentence's tense.)

Interesting. Good to know.

And yes, this was a little difficult because it's actually a game, not a traditional VN, and it has very little in the way of story or characters.

[dramspringfeald]

A man out looking for adventure finds more then he could have wished for. Fallow (John) as he is thrust into the future and hunt for his way back home.

*Will that work? also (John is a placer because I have yet to think of a name.)

(I am assuming you mean Follow XD)

This seems a bit vague... all I know from reading this is that it is a time travel adventure about (John).

Yeah, time travel is always interesting and finding a way to go back will always be interesting as well... but aside from that aspect I know nothing about the story. Where is he in the future? What is John like? Will staying in the future separate him from a family or is he a loner? Is there a reason he wouldn't rather stay in the future? Is he being hunted down by time police? How did he get sent back?

At least one of these questions answered in a pitch would make it stand out a bit more. Two would make it stand out even more, three more so, and so on. Adding just a bit more detail seems to be a good idea here. So long as it doesn't spoil too much that is!

This can be a very interesting concept with the Time Travel aspect, but without detail it just seems a bit flat.

Ok then.


While on vacation in the south east of New Mexico John was headed to Roswell for "UFO hopping" and gets sucked through a rip in time and space. Now he must fight pirates and stop an intergalactic war to find his way home in the past so that he may save her in the future.


That better? cause I cant go much more into it with out major spoilers... and don't get me started on the Space time hole thing, 'cause it's REALLY difficult to explain without A lot of diagrams and pictures that I based off a quantum entanglement theory I read about a while ago... But I'll give it a shot if you want.

I've got the entire galaxy figured out well at least 80% or so but hey I can wing the rest. It's kind of Firefly meets Wing Commander (the animated series) you just happen to step in JUST after the war.

[junna]

Oh, good, it's not me after all. It's my PREMISE that is the problem. XD

I gotta say that I love the tagline at the beginning! And that is a great opening line after it. Definitely glad you took a look at it and gave a shot at working it over. Thank you!

No worries! Glad you like it.
I'm a sucker for cutesy/crazy/funky newspaper headlines-ish stuff. And I had fun clicking at the stuff related to entropy energy. I swear I spent 50% of the time clicking link after link about it.
Hope you know how you can develop the pitch after this!