Is my writing style or writing worth reading? (Advice)

[sharikah]

Ok I want advice based on my writing style.. This a fanfic I'm working on and it's getting good reviews but that's in the fanfic genre.. I want to make a Visual Novel but not sure if this style will actually catch attention... Please comment with advice..

This is my writing style:

Falling Ciél (Falling Sky)

About a couple who's deeply in love, but tragedy strikes! A tragic car accident separates the fiancés' leaving them without knowledge of each other. I hidden secret surfaces but confusion leave the daughter parents in shock. Just a slight touch sends waves electricity through them, and staring deep into each other eyes bring then to tears. With a simple accident, wouldn’t lead them back to the past letting all the wonderful times come to them. It took away a memory that they made.

June 9th, 2012 7:30pm
Saturday
"Yeobo!" Jiyong has gotten use to calling his girlfriend his wife. But now that he actually proposed it felt more meaningful.
"Ne?" Chaerin hurried back to the car so they could head out to an event.
"We'll be late and I don't want to make a bad impression." Today was the meeting between the parents and their children. Even though the groom and bride known each other for a long time both parents felt that they were in a rush. They secretly registered for marriage without telling anyone just to prove they were serious. The secret didn’t last long when Jiyong’s mom found the marriage certificate in Jiyong’s belongings. The parents to rush the wedding pretending they agree to them let them go ahead without proper procedures. With all of this going on, if Jiyong arrived late he couldn't imagine how his father-in-law would feel.
"Ok! Ok!" She quickly put on her seatbelt, sitting back comfortably.
"I didn’t mean to rush I'm just a bit anxious." He gave her the cutest gummy smile he produce.
"I understand!" She laughed. "Hubby, wow that sounded so weird.” she laughed hard with Jiyong. "Is husband better or honey, maybe sweetie?" She continued to joke, when a bright light passed by.
"What the hell!" Jiyong slowed down their car trying to peek outside to see what was going on. He sighed glad no one was hurt.
"That scared me." Chaerin was about to put her hand on her heart when bright lights filled her eyes. Jiyong first thought was to protect her but he was too late. The car in front rammed them sending them into a tree. Jiyong head hit the back of the headrest along with Chaerin. In the background the insurance company had come on. When they didn’t get a response they immediately sent someone out to them.

8:10pm
"Where is he?" Mr. Kwon was frustrated, he wanted to make a good impression but it didn't seem like that was going to happen.
"I don't know I called him but he's not answering.” Mrs. Kwon dialed again but this time it went straight to voice mail. "What is going on that he can't pick up?" Jiyong mom was getting worried.
"I haven't been able to get in touch with Chaerin either. Jiyong isn't irresponsible so I don't think this happened at their own will."

8:28pm

"Hello." The police officer had reached out to YG who was at the top of their list. "Is this Mr. Yang Hyun Suk?"
"Yes, this is he?" He said with a bit on concern in his voice.
"We got your number off of an emergency contact list for a Kwon Jiyong and also a Lee Chaerin?"
"Yes, those are my artists. What happened?" YG slid on his jacket and grabbed his keys after he heard the rest of what the officer told him. He ran out of his office only to bump into Teddy.
"Boss, what's wrong?" Teddy tried to stop him but he ran off again. Teddy chased him into the parking garage, he got into the car behind him. He saw the nervous look on his face and wondered just what had happened.
"Hello, I was going to call you but I wanted to wait until I got there." YG said into the phone.
"Got where?" Teddy could hear Jiyong mom asking clear as day.
"The kids were in an accident-" The words he were saying were going in slow motion in Teddy head.
"Hyung! Wait what!"
"An accident!" Jiyong mom screamed.
"What's going on?" Jiyong dad took the phone from his wife. YG repeated what he was told and then let them know to go to Seoul National University Hospital. YG was the first to arrive he sat outside waiting for a doctor to tell them what happened. The parents arrived right when the doctor came out.
"Hi, I'm Doctor Jung, who are the guardians to the patients?"
"We are." Everyone said in unison.
"These are their parents, I'm their boss. Could you tell us what happened." Mr. Yang was almost pleading.
"Someone struck their car sending them into a tree. Jiyong has the most damage because he tried to protect. They're both suffering from retrograde amnesia, due to the trauma they don't know each other as boyfriend and girlfriend only as label mates. I asked a range of questions and it came out this way multiple times. They don't remember the accident at all, and I would like to talk to just the parents alone. "
"No it's ok." Chaerin mother said.
"Ok, well let's all go somewhere private." After the conversation a look of amazement was on their face.
"Will they not be able to perform?” That was only thing Teddy could get out.
“Doctor Jung! We have a problem!” The doctor and nurse raced out of the room with everyone close behind them. When they stopped outside of Chaerin and Jiyong’s room you could hear a loud beeping sound. Their parents tried to squeeze inside the room just to be ushered back to the waiting room. Everyone was on the tip of their toes, not knowing which child was harm or if both were drove them mad. After an hour of waiting the doctor finally returned.
“We removed Jiyong into the intensive care ward. He lost consciousness and I'm sad to say but he’s in a coma.” Jiyong mom spot her hand over her heart as she tried to put together what happen. A roar along with tears filled the hospital, as everyone came in to greet his parents and pray she was helpless. When the tragedy hit the media their fans were in a slump. Each day seemed lifeless as he slipped slowly away.



END!!!!

This is a fanfiction I have many years in writing just not VN style... I'm writing that way for the first time.... So please give me advice will I be able to adapt my writing style in vn style? Or I know my writing isn't bad but I have to grasp attention from those who will be playing or reading the Visual Novel... PLEASE COMMENT WITH ADVICE!!

[baabaa]

Hi! I haven't made a VN but I've been playing them for quite a while, and I'm a writer myself.

First off, VN are usually written in a first person perspective so if you can adapt your writing to have it be a first person narrative, then that's the first step. You write well but it all seemed very rushed. The plot sounds like the story would be long, but you managed to cram something that could've easily been 2,500 or more words into a little under 1,000. The details are what would really grasp the attention needed.

I think you could write a VN! You should definitely at least try. If I were you, I'd work on a short VN and get criticised for that.

[sharikah]

Hi! I haven't made a VN but I've been playing them for quite a while, and I'm a writer myself.

First off, VN are usually written in a first person perspective so if you can adapt your writing to have it be a first person narrative, then that's the first step. You write well but it all seemed very rushed. The plot sounds like the story would be long, but you managed to cram something that could've easily been 2,500 or more words into a little under 1,000. The details are what would really grasp the attention needed.

I think you could write a VN! You should definitely at least try. If I were you, I'd work on a short VN and get criticised for that.

Thanks for the advice!!! Great help.. The writing sample is not from the Visual Novel but from a FanFic that I'm writing on another site which is long. I know now not to rush with vn but in the fanfic it was past tense I showed you and the present I didn't post so it should seem like I it's rushed because I do that often.. But I have a question how many words should there be for the prologue and chapters .. I want to do a mobile game so I now that there are a lot a chapters so I want to know how many words in that case. I wrote more words than that it's a sample I couldn't post the whole story on here I would be cheating myself.. I do write btw 1k-2k or 3k per chapter but that sample is unrelated to the vn I'm working on sorry for the confusion...

[baabaa]

I have a question how many words should there be for the prologue and chapters .. I want to do a mobile game so I now that there are a lot a chapters so I want to know how many words in that case.

For a mobile game, I would definitely say at least 1k words per chapter and maybe 2-3k max, depending on the length of your game. I don't know if you've ever played a mobile game by Voltage Inc but they have roughly 15 chapters, each with around the word length, and the game takes about 4-5 hours of straight up playing, no breaks.

[firecat]

your novel does not have to be first person it can be 3th person or a mix of both, it just needs to feel like engaging for the reader to understand. i also advice on saying few words for example

"Someone struck their car sending them into a tree. Jiyong has the most damage because he tried to protect. They're both suffering from retrograde amnesia, due to the trauma they don't know each other as boyfriend and girlfriend only as label mates. I asked a range of questions and it came out this way multiple times. They don't remember the accident at all, and I would like to talk to just the parents alone. "

it can turn into this

"The accident cause the car to hit the tree, leaving Jiyong in a critical condition. They're both suffering from retrograde amnesia and we suspect that none of them know each other or remember anything from the accident."

that way people will read on and stay engage, you dont need to add words on word people will understand.

[sharikah]

your novel does not have to be first person it can be 3th person or a mix of both, it just needs to feel like engaging for the reader to understand. i also advice on saying few words for example

"Someone struck their car sending them into a tree. Jiyong has the most damage because he tried to protect. They're both suffering from retrograde amnesia, due to the trauma they don't know each other as boyfriend and girlfriend only as label mates. I asked a range of questions and it came out this way multiple times. They don't remember the accident at all, and I would like to talk to just the parents alone. "

it can turn into this

"The accident cause the car to hit the tree, leaving Jiyong in a critical condition. They're both suffering from retrograde amnesia and we suspect that none of them know each other or remember anything from the accident."

that way people will read on and stay engage, you dont need to add words on word people will understand.

Aw.. Thank you that sounds extremely better I'll take that advice.. I'm looking for an editor because I tend to be TOO wordy.