I felt like sharing something for people out there who want to create something too. And people who suffer from depression.
I always wanted to create something in my life, I always wanted to express myself and my thoughts but I never knew how.
I used to always run away from my own problems, hiding away from them, letting others handle it because I was a coward, someone who was and is still always scared of the consequences that were following the problems...
Should I do that? Should I not? What will the people think of me? I was scared to know the answer that is why I never did anything. I stood quietly in the corner minding my own business, never letting anything nor anyone into my life because I was scared what they will think of me, feared of being abandoned was the biggest fear of mine.
I was always the odd kid out in the class with the weird imagination, bursting out with stories and ideas, I never read books, never watched comics but was always into anime that rarely played in the TV with odd French dubbs overlayed with one voiced Polish dub on it.
When I found out about game design I realised this is something I want to do, the place where I can express my ideas, my stories and even my life... Life of shattered dreams, depression, love and suicide attempts.
But I realised something midway... "I don't have a talent" I said to myself, I never knew how to write stories, I never knew how to program, I never knew how to make music... I never knew how to do anything... I had all of those ideas, all of those stories but I never knew how to express them out, I never knew how to write them down and make them into something, into one. Into a game.
A game to show people what really life is, what we life with on daily basis, if not you, someone close to you or simply someone you do not know about... And that's depression. I think to say, depression is the worst thing one can live with, day by day you live with the thoughts of "Why do I bother", you just think to yourself "What is the point of this?"
Sometimes there are days you just feel like you want to be dead.
When I first started to work on my project called "Life*" I already suffered of a mild depression but I continued on attempting to create something I believed would shine a light on our daily life's and the suffer we go through, it was to show a story about how from normal, ordinary life of a teenager who is fallen in love with a quiet girl who is secretly bullied by her classmates, life goes down to utter hole of depression, sadness and suicide attempt yet mutual love between these two people saved not only one person... But both of them.
I worked hard doing manual labour at age 19 to pay my Artist for her great work. I couldn't study any longer due my parents divorce, having my mother leaving me and my father I had to work to survive but yet... I was never the person who saw crowdfunding/kickstarter as a thing. I just hated the idea of it, I felt that if I WANT to create something I should work hard for it, pay it by my own money, even if that meant I did not eat or buy the things I needed... I paid all of it with my own money which in total was around £600 just for Characters.
Now it might sound silly that a person who just started designing a visual novel would of spend so much money but I was confident that it would not fail, that I would not fail anyone and my team... But I did. As I worked on my project, due "love" that I learned what it really means I dropped into severe depression.
I never believed that... Missing out one person in your life you adored so much, a person who taught you so much might do that much damage in your life. A girl I loved left me, it was a nightmare to live, on daily basis I wanted to kill myself, I thought I lost everything... I started to have auditory hallucinations of her voice every day connected with panic attacks.
I lost my job, my health deteriorated badly and all I thought of is death. Leaving this place. There is nothing else for me left in this life yet... I had people around me, people who cared but I never realised that. I kept running away from the support I was given and soon most of them gave up but yet.. I had that one person. That one friend I fought hard to be friends with.
By that time few months passed since I dropped my project and I lived with a deep regret inside me that I failed the people I worked with.
Now here we are... One year later, life continued on, many suicide attempts happened to the point where police arrived to stop me because the friend I fought hard for saved me. Here I am attempting to finish what I once started in my life, a dream to come true from childhood... To create a game. I'm 20 years old now. Soon to hit my 21's, living with depression since 2013.
If I were to say one thing that game dev taught me is that you don't need to have a talent to create a game,you don't need a talent to become someone in life. I never had one, I started out as a QA in a 3D Space game that never get to happen and then as a Idea guy in a 3D Shooter game in CryEngine that is still being developed but I left. I learned that there are many other people who are good at something and all you need to do is connected them with you, connect what you are good at with what they are. Work together and bring something amazing out.
I never wanted to give up on my dream, I was simply pushed away from it by a monster living inside me. I wanted to create games that were to be free for anyone to play, to be given a meaning in life and support that "You aren't alone, there's tons of people who are like that out there, you are not the abnormal" I want my games to be out there to give a message saying "Keep on carrying on!" because no matter how much your life is shit, no matter how worthless it is... It will change, it will take time for it to do so but it will.
That I realised when I fought hard to become friends with one person who saved my life. To have your life change is not about waiting, sitting in a corner like I did. Its to fight it and change it yourself. Because when I became friends with that person I learned...
Life is not that bad.
Keep on fighting, don't give up yet. Look forward to see your life become something you never believed it would be.
I'm back after long time... Now believing that I can change it. Hoping I can create a game to help others, to make myself feel proud that I managed to do it with the amazing people I work together.
All I want to say is that... Never give up, if you want to create a game, remember why you wanted to do it in the first place, remember your goals and imaginations because THAT can become reality one day. Only if you work hard, things never come on a silver plate.
I'm sorry for this HUGE potato that makes no sense. I just wanted to get things out of my chest.
Now why do I want to create a game?
To help and entertain others. To show meaning of life and why it is important to us.
To help and entertain others. To show meaning of life and why it is important to us.
Sometimes, so many obstacles get in the way of our dreams, just like how so manh things can affect the devt of our VN projects. 
It's great to remember that bad days don't last forever, and that we can always pick ourselves back up when we fall. Just like that one quote says, it's only in the dark that we can see stars. 
I'll be looking forward to playing it!
