Why I want to create a game...

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Sakai
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Why I want to create a game...

#1 Post by Sakai » Wed Oct 28, 2015 12:59 am

Ahh... I don't know why I am writing this.
I felt like sharing something for people out there who want to create something too. And people who suffer from depression.

I always wanted to create something in my life, I always wanted to express myself and my thoughts but I never knew how.
I used to always run away from my own problems, hiding away from them, letting others handle it because I was a coward, someone who was and is still always scared of the consequences that were following the problems...
Should I do that? Should I not? What will the people think of me? I was scared to know the answer that is why I never did anything. I stood quietly in the corner minding my own business, never letting anything nor anyone into my life because I was scared what they will think of me, feared of being abandoned was the biggest fear of mine.

I was always the odd kid out in the class with the weird imagination, bursting out with stories and ideas, I never read books, never watched comics but was always into anime that rarely played in the TV with odd French dubbs overlayed with one voiced Polish dub on it.
When I found out about game design I realised this is something I want to do, the place where I can express my ideas, my stories and even my life... Life of shattered dreams, depression, love and suicide attempts.

But I realised something midway... "I don't have a talent" I said to myself, I never knew how to write stories, I never knew how to program, I never knew how to make music... I never knew how to do anything... I had all of those ideas, all of those stories but I never knew how to express them out, I never knew how to write them down and make them into something, into one. Into a game.
A game to show people what really life is, what we life with on daily basis, if not you, someone close to you or simply someone you do not know about... And that's depression. I think to say, depression is the worst thing one can live with, day by day you live with the thoughts of "Why do I bother", you just think to yourself "What is the point of this?"

Sometimes there are days you just feel like you want to be dead.
When I first started to work on my project called "Life*" I already suffered of a mild depression but I continued on attempting to create something I believed would shine a light on our daily life's and the suffer we go through, it was to show a story about how from normal, ordinary life of a teenager who is fallen in love with a quiet girl who is secretly bullied by her classmates, life goes down to utter hole of depression, sadness and suicide attempt yet mutual love between these two people saved not only one person... But both of them.

I worked hard doing manual labour at age 19 to pay my Artist for her great work. I couldn't study any longer due my parents divorce, having my mother leaving me and my father I had to work to survive but yet... I was never the person who saw crowdfunding/kickstarter as a thing. I just hated the idea of it, I felt that if I WANT to create something I should work hard for it, pay it by my own money, even if that meant I did not eat or buy the things I needed... I paid all of it with my own money which in total was around £600 just for Characters.

Now it might sound silly that a person who just started designing a visual novel would of spend so much money but I was confident that it would not fail, that I would not fail anyone and my team... But I did. As I worked on my project, due "love" that I learned what it really means I dropped into severe depression.
I never believed that... Missing out one person in your life you adored so much, a person who taught you so much might do that much damage in your life. A girl I loved left me, it was a nightmare to live, on daily basis I wanted to kill myself, I thought I lost everything... I started to have auditory hallucinations of her voice every day connected with panic attacks.

I lost my job, my health deteriorated badly and all I thought of is death. Leaving this place. There is nothing else for me left in this life yet... I had people around me, people who cared but I never realised that. I kept running away from the support I was given and soon most of them gave up but yet.. I had that one person. That one friend I fought hard to be friends with.
By that time few months passed since I dropped my project and I lived with a deep regret inside me that I failed the people I worked with.
Now here we are... One year later, life continued on, many suicide attempts happened to the point where police arrived to stop me because the friend I fought hard for saved me. Here I am attempting to finish what I once started in my life, a dream to come true from childhood... To create a game. I'm 20 years old now. Soon to hit my 21's, living with depression since 2013.

If I were to say one thing that game dev taught me is that you don't need to have a talent to create a game,you don't need a talent to become someone in life. I never had one, I started out as a QA in a 3D Space game that never get to happen and then as a Idea guy in a 3D Shooter game in CryEngine that is still being developed but I left. I learned that there are many other people who are good at something and all you need to do is connected them with you, connect what you are good at with what they are. Work together and bring something amazing out.

I never wanted to give up on my dream, I was simply pushed away from it by a monster living inside me. I wanted to create games that were to be free for anyone to play, to be given a meaning in life and support that "You aren't alone, there's tons of people who are like that out there, you are not the abnormal" I want my games to be out there to give a message saying "Keep on carrying on!" because no matter how much your life is shit, no matter how worthless it is... It will change, it will take time for it to do so but it will.

That I realised when I fought hard to become friends with one person who saved my life. To have your life change is not about waiting, sitting in a corner like I did. Its to fight it and change it yourself. Because when I became friends with that person I learned...

Life is not that bad.
Keep on fighting, don't give up yet. Look forward to see your life become something you never believed it would be.

I'm back after long time... Now believing that I can change it. Hoping I can create a game to help others, to make myself feel proud that I managed to do it with the amazing people I work together.
All I want to say is that... Never give up, if you want to create a game, remember why you wanted to do it in the first place, remember your goals and imaginations because THAT can become reality one day. Only if you work hard, things never come on a silver plate.

I'm sorry for this HUGE potato that makes no sense. I just wanted to get things out of my chest.
Now why do I want to create a game?
To help and entertain others. To show meaning of life and why it is important to us.

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#2 Post by Ran08 » Wed Oct 28, 2015 3:26 am

Awwww. This was really beautiful. Heartbreaking, but beautiful. Super inspirational too! I was feeling so sad while reading halfway through the post, but now I'm happier that things are starting to change for the better for you. And you're right. Don't give up! Life can be such a sh*t sometimes, but it's up to us to stand up whenever we fall.

VN makig can actually be a lot like other things in life, I think? 😁 Sometimes, so many obstacles get in the way of our dreams, just like how so manh things can affect the devt of our VN projects.
I actually have a project that got super delayed because... well, I got heartbroken, and for a time, I just couldn't bear to write anything. When heleft, it seemed to me like he had taken my words away with him.
It was super depressing. But now I'm over it! Yay. Finally back up and working on projects again. Just like you are. 😄 It's great to remember that bad days don't last forever, and that we can always pick ourselves back up when we fall. Just like that one quote says, it's only in the dark that we can see stars.

Anyway, thank you for sharing! 😁 I wish you the best of luck on your current project, and your future projects too. I'm sure Ragged Heart will be worth all the effort. 🙂 I'll be looking forward to playing it!

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#3 Post by Godline » Wed Oct 28, 2015 5:54 am

Awww.

I'm sorry for all your hardships!

This is a wonderful place to be because you can find many people who can help you out on different parts of your project. I'm so thankful for my awesome new friends I've met doing this. Seriously, I've met the best peeps.

If you ever need any coding help/editing/beta testing or general idea bouncing, hit me up, I'd be glad to help you accomplish what you set out to do.

But keep up the fight. It's worth it.

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#4 Post by Hisaonakai » Wed Oct 28, 2015 7:55 am

Hey,

Keep in there buddy!! There'll be plenty of us supporting you out there and I hope this dream of yours will come to fruition one day!
Likewise, i'll be anticipating it and hopefully will be able to play it.

If you do need a writer/idea bouncer/editor, feel free to hit me up! :)

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#5 Post by YonYonYon » Wed Oct 28, 2015 2:39 pm

As someone with depression and suicidal thoughts let me send you virtual hugs.

And yes. You don't really need a talent if you have skills. And you don't have to do everything alone either! Never shy away from asking help.
ImageImage

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#6 Post by Sakai » Wed Oct 28, 2015 4:02 pm

Thank you all...
Really appreciate those kind words.

Now that I managed to re-group with my old team, having everyone in together with me is amazing.
At the moment as long time ago I decided to go with a small game (which is Ragged Hearts) before the big project of Life*.

Story is finished, just needs polishing so it means a lot of funding from my side but I'm ready for anything. It might not be what I wanted to release at first but small steps are always the first ones I guess.

I will everyone who does the same the best. I am always here if anyone needs my help too.

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#7 Post by gekiganwing » Wed Oct 28, 2015 11:42 pm

If you want to use a visual novel format to write a personal story, go for it. Likewise, if you plan to write a story that has a clear message for the reader, then go right ahead. Just keep the following in mind...

* Ask yourself, "Will I take criticism of my story too personally?"
* Are you ready to spend a lot of time and effort in order to finish your story?
* How will you deal with writing-related problems such as perfectionism or frustration?
* If you need to work with other people, make sure that you're prepared to deal with conflicts.
* Read Scott McCloud's book Understanding Comics. You might benefit most from the sections talking about why people write stories, and creators who become either storytellers or art pioneers.
Sakai wrote:I never read books, never watched comics but was always into anime that rarely played in the TV with odd French dubbs overlayed with one voiced Polish dub on it.
[off-topic] I was raised on a mix of North American localized shows and fansubs. Because of this, I didn't know much about programs that had larger fanbases in Europe such as Ai Shite Knight, Cat's Eye, or Saint Seiya. I was not aware of Bernard Minet's many French dub opening songs until this year! [/off-topic]

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#8 Post by Sakai » Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:32 am

gekiganwing wrote:If you want to use a visual novel format to write a personal story, go for it. Likewise, if you plan to write a story that has a clear message for the reader, then go right ahead. Just keep the following in mind...

* Ask yourself, "Will I take criticism of my story too personally?"
* Are you ready to spend a lot of time and effort in order to finish your story?
* How will you deal with writing-related problems such as perfectionism or frustration?
* If you need to work with other people, make sure that you're prepared to deal with conflicts.
* Read Scott McCloud's book Understanding Comics. You might benefit most from the sections talking about why people write stories, and creators who become either storytellers or art pioneers.
Sakai wrote:I never read books, never watched comics but was always into anime that rarely played in the TV with odd French dubbs overlayed with one voiced Polish dub on it.
[off-topic] I was raised on a mix of North American localized shows and fansubs. Because of this, I didn't know much about programs that had larger fanbases in Europe such as Ai Shite Knight, Cat's Eye, or Saint Seiya. I was not aware of Bernard Minet's many French dub opening songs until this year! [/off-topic]
Thanks for the info. I will think about getting that book "Understanding Comics"!

[OFF TOPIC]
Yeah in Poland we had Dragon Ball dubbed in French and then in dubbed over with Polish dub with one voice for ever character... It was horrendous

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#9 Post by MoonStar » Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:51 am

Sakai wrote:Ahh... I don't know why I am writing this.
I felt like sharing something for people out there who want to create something too. And people who suffer from depression.

I always wanted to create something in my life, I always wanted to express myself and my thoughts but I never knew how.
I used to always run away from my own problems, hiding away from them, letting others handle it because I was a coward, someone who was and is still always scared of the consequences that were following the problems...
Should I do that? Should I not? What will the people think of me? I was scared to know the answer that is why I never did anything. I stood quietly in the corner minding my own business, never letting anything nor anyone into my life because I was scared what they will think of me, feared of being abandoned was the biggest fear of mine.......
For some strange reason reading that is pretty much like reading my own diary but i had only one try failed before i even started cuz of my friend and parents and cuz im pretty against suicide but thats empathizes that i was having a very very very shit week if i thought about suicide when im totally against it

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#10 Post by Malyce » Fri Nov 06, 2015 4:03 pm

I think you found your way in RenPy community. I don't know how to say it (again, I'm french, it is difficult for me to write in english well, but I can read and understand perfectly what you wrote), but I think most of RenPy people are in the same state of spirit. When life is hard on us, imagination appears to be the only way to get out of this, and to evolve when nobody's seems to give us time to think about our meaning of life.

Arrrgh, it is so hard to debat and do philosophy of life with another language ! But I'm very touched by your message and your initiative to share it for giving mind strenght, i have to answer.

I was born in a family in the middle of every problems possible in the world, with a lot of depression case. To be honest, I'm afraid to be a victim of depression myself. For now, personnally, I had a lot of luck, but I'm just twenty, so basically, I'm living in a fight against fear of myself.
If you had the couraged to share your story and your pain to everyone, I think I can do the same. Well, at least a part of it.
I was harassed and beaten. It started when I was 6, and ended at my 16. I was the kind to let everyone do anything they want on me, because I thought it was fair, that it's gonna be my life and I have to accept it. I know, it's stupid, but I didn't really think about it since I was just a child.

When I was 14, I've started to have too much imagination, and create a sort of character, who was obviously the person I was dreaming to be. It was so hard to realize that it was not the life I had... So I was sick, all the time because of my critical state of mind. And I started to surf on the internet.

For three years, I wrote a lot of fictions I published (in french of course). At first, it was very bad, I couldn't write anything well. But someone who felt very lonely like me, but older than me (I was 14, she was 21), she tought me how to write better, and how to appreciate it more. Finally, I was able to do something right, that people can enjoy reading.

But after that, I lost my confidence in myself because I wasn't able anymore to succeed in anything. I've lost my skills at a newbie writter, and at school it was terrible. I gave up my high school degree (after two years trying to passed it) because it was to harsh on me. Every single people at my age I've met could passed it easily, but in my case, I was suffering as hell to try to have few points.

Now I'm studying at home for work with children. It isn't hard for sur, but it's a lot a work for me, I learn theory thinks very slowly. In the few past months, everything was going finally fine for me, but now, I'm lost again. My family is falling appart, I'm a living in a house full of tensions, depression, and tears everyday. My grand parents abandoned all of us, even their own daughter for something she didn't do, my older brother do the same. So people we trusted all this years were suddenly abandonned us like we were nothing. It hurts so bad.

I don't know how I do that, honestly, but I'm not yet in depression. I'm not yet in there. But I know what it's like because my two parents are, my father was like that years ago. I've lived in it so far since I was two years old. I think I'm hanging there with constant anguish but even if I don't know how it feels, I can't truely understand you.

It is important that you fight for the people who're still there for you, even if it's not easy everyday. I'm myself the person who my family needs the support (I didn't tell everything), and even if it's hard on me, I swear to god I will never give up on someone I love that much. And I'm convince that your friend thinks the same.
In that way, you guys built a very strong relationship, and that's extraordinary.

I don't know if telling you this things helps you, it is very hard to explain a thing in english for me. I have so much to say, but I can't tell it like I want to.

Anyway, I'm a total noob into creating something. I don't have skills in program (but I'm trying), nor in design or music, so I use pre made assets and my words to do my personal project but you know what ? You're totally right. I was wondering "Can I really make something good with almost nothing ?" But Renpy and the comunity using it is so opened to everyone that I believe I can do anything I want with time and motivations. Not mentionned how frustrated I was when I was unable to express my imagination. Here I have all I need to express anything.

I support you as hell, so thank you, THANK YOU for helping others to win more strenght, assurance, motivations, and to don't feel lonely. Life is hard on many people, that's why we can be together and share like you did.

Your text was beautiful. I don't have much words to describe it.

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Re: Why I want to create a game...

#11 Post by kistnerelizabeth » Tue May 16, 2017 4:22 pm

Even though this post is old, I randomly found it and just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. Depression and mental illness is hard to live with. I've suffered from it off and on, due to my health problems and self esteem issues and grew up in a household of women who were severely depressed. It can be tough, so I care for all who struggle and fight with it. I hope your game is going well, too. :)

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