Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

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Outer
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Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#1 Post by Outer » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:16 pm

Dear native speakers, can you rate this English translation? Is this piece good? Do you feel like children are talking here? We are not native speakers, and it is difficult for us to rate the quality of this translation.

⁃ Are u gonna tell me that story?
⁃ Actually, this was my dream. You want to hear it?
⁃ Tell me something, I’m scared.
⁃ Don’t be afraid, I am with you. Although it’s a dream, I think you’re gonna like it.
I dreamed I was sitting at the table like this. It was really light in the room. But not too bright, you know? It was light in a light way. And no curtains. You were asleep somewhere nearby. You were sleeping in my dream, funny isn’t it?
⁃ And I was asleep when it’s still light!
⁃ Yeah, that too. So, I was sat at the table, holding the small angel figure that mum gave me for Christmas. She brought two figures that time, remember?
⁃ I do!
⁃ You really do?
⁃ Yup! It was a kitty and an angel. The kitty was pretty, the angel wasn’t really. And I wanted the kitty.
⁃ Me too. But what you don’t know is that when I gave it to you, mum said the angel would actually make one of my wishes come true. The very best and important wish that I have.
⁃ But the kitty...won’t? - the girl frowned
⁃ Don’t be angry, mum just wanted to make me feel better. But in the dream I realized I can make a wish and that it actually exists. Like, you know, there are things that only exist in a dream. So when you wake up, they’re not there anymore. Don’t you know? Okay, you’ll get it soon.
⁃ Don’t brag!
⁃ Okay-okay, sorry. I’ll keep on telling. Next is gonna be interesting, so don’t interrupt.
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Re: Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#2 Post by gamerbum » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:41 pm

Overall, I would rate it 3/10. There are a few small parts that are okay, but for the most part, it reads as nonsensical. Lots of grammar errors and unclear sentences. Almost none of the sentences sound like a native English speaker could've written them. For your last question, it doesn't particularly sound like two children are talking, no.

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Re: Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#3 Post by Outer » Fri Sep 13, 2019 1:26 pm

gamerbum wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:41 pm
Overall, I would rate it 3/10. There are a few small parts that are okay, but for the most part, it reads as nonsensical. Lots of grammar errors and unclear sentences. Almost none of the sentences sound like a native English speaker could've written them. For your last question, it doesn't particularly sound like two children are talking, no.
Thank you!!
Can you explain why this dialogue doesn't look like a dialogue of children?

Unclear sentences... Maybe this is due to the original text in Russian?

I would like to hear another opinion.
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Re: Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#4 Post by gamerbum » Fri Sep 13, 2019 2:05 pm

Outer wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 1:26 pm
gamerbum wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:41 pm
Overall, I would rate it 3/10. There are a few small parts that are okay, but for the most part, it reads as nonsensical. Lots of grammar errors and unclear sentences. Almost none of the sentences sound like a native English speaker could've written them. For your last question, it doesn't particularly sound like two children are talking, no.
Thank you!!
Can you explain why this dialogue doesn't look like a dialogue of children?

Unclear sentences... Maybe this is due to the original text in Russian?

I would like to hear another opinion.
It's probably not that. When I say unclear, I mean that the translation has clearly been mangled. For instance, "It was really light in the room. But not too bright, you know? It was light in a light way." This makes no sense whatsoever.

The specific words and phrases used in some of the sentences just don't reflect how children speak. For example, "I was sat at the table," is just not something you'd hear a native speaker (especially not a child) throw out casually. It's a very formal way of speaking, I suppose.

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Re: Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#5 Post by verysunshine » Thu Sep 19, 2019 4:52 am

I'd give it a 4/10, with 1/10 being completely unintelligible and 10/10 being impossibly flawless.

This translation has problems with grammar and tone. Some parts of the dialogue do feel natural, like "You were sleeping in my dream. Funny, isn't it?" The overall flow of the conversation is easy for me to follow, but the details are tricky.

I won't comment on the subject-verb agreements, comma splices, and other grammar errors that can be identified with a "common English errors" work sheet.

"Tell me something, I’m scared," is a really weird sentence because there's nothing in the presented section to show why this child would be scared. It seems like the first child might be distracting the second child from something. "Tell me something," is a strange way to phrase the request.

"But not too bright, you know? It was light in a light way. And no curtains." "Light in a light way" sounds like there were two different words in Russian words that translate to different definitions of the same English word. You could switch one "light" to a different word to add clarity. "And no curtains" feels out of place. Maybe add something about light sources.

"Don’t you know? Okay, you’ll get it soon.
⁃ Don’t brag!" I do not understand this section. It seems like it's been translated literally.

"I was sat at a table" is a British way of phrasing it. If your characters are British, then it works.

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Re: Native Speakers, rate this English translation pls

#6 Post by ryinth » Wed Oct 09, 2019 7:58 am

How old are the kids supposed to be?

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