an idea GxB game named 'Alice Hunt'

[sayaka-chan95]

uum..sorry for the sudden approach,but lately i got some story on my mind and i think it would be great if it can become a VN

title : Alice Hunt
genre : Mystery.Romance
type : GxB

synopsis : *sorry for my bad english*
the key word is
"I will protect my precious alice..who close her eyes in eternity.."

th MC *later will be called alice* live in a big mansion with her 5 butler,these butler called the MC as alice..when alice is 17 the butlers will compete to win her heart (actually it's us who choose one of them). everything go just like a typical GxB games *need help here*

but alice didn't know that her butler not only after her heart,but also her soul. in the end after alice choose 1 of her butler to become her bf she will be killed by him,because the butler love her so much until she cant be touched by any other else than him,he killed her so she could stay by his side forever.

each butler killed in each different way (later will be added)

---------------------------------------------

this is just a scratch of the story,i already figured 60% of the story,so...

anyone interested?

[SilverxBlue]

This one looks interesting and all, but... why did you put what would happen in the end..? It's like you gave a major spoiler to your story or did you really intended to tell that because after her death something else would happen? (Like an investigation starts or Alice's ghost haunts the killer or the killer becomes a psycho that starts a killing spree...)

I would be glad to help you out, since i'm not working on my VN at the moment, however, I could only help out with the story,grammar and a bit of programming.

Sorry if you found my post annoying or offensive (especially for the spoiler "thing"), I just wanted to give a point.

[sayaka-chan95]

No no its alright..seems like it was my bad for giving an important spoiler,well..i tought if i didnt explain everything the synopsis will be unclear,so i add the ending..
should i edit my post? and yeah,alice being killed is the end. the thing that make this game a mystery is that the butlers were so mysterious,they treat alice nicely but when it goes to 'something' they will be a mean and cold guys and so on so on

really? thank you very much,i thought this thing wont be bugged by anyone

i'll pm you later =3
uum..before i do anything,i warn everyone that im really new to VN making thingies..so im sorry if i will become a nuisance to everyone

[SilverxBlue]

No problem, I'd be happy to help... It's nice to work on something when it's summer vacation...
And another good thing when I help is that I could take away my mind from all the games i'm addicted to. -_-


No worries, you'll get the hang of it soon enough I am a newb myself and i'm still trying to get used to a LOT of things so good luck for both of us...
Oh, and I forgot to write this a while ago welcome to the forums..!

[pondrthis]

On a side note, I've been wondering recently about how one should propose a highly-suspenseful story without spoiling people. I mean, it seems incredibly tough to get people's interest without revealing some of the more clever plot twists.

Then again, if a plot doesn't stand on its own without the twists, it's a gimmick. A story should attract people before they know the "truth" behind it all. For example, the butler idea is interesting enough to get responses without the ending part.

...But they shouldn't kill her in ALL the routes! At least have a "true ending" where she lives. (And make it a better reason than the guys are psychotic and obsessive... like some occult ritual or something that they refuse to do in the true ending and thus have to face the consequences.)

[Greeny]

...But they shouldn't kill her in ALL the routes! At least have a "true ending" where she lives.

You just don't get it. Her dying is the "true ending".

[Alera]

This actually sounds interesting! :'D

Just really- you shouldn't have given such major spoilers. XD
You're loosing the surprise factor now!

But there's something else- I think there are too many Kuroshitsuji elements in this. Mystery, big mansion, butlers, souls, death... :/

[pondrthis]

...But they shouldn't kill her in ALL the routes! At least have a "true ending" where she lives.

You just don't get it. Her dying is the "true ending".

I was under the impression that she was killed by a different character depending on the choices. Doesn't that inherently make these endings NOT the true ending? True endings have to have something different about them that sets them on a different level of canonicity (?).

Also, what's up with the obsession with the name "Alice"? Is it the goth aspect that fan-works of the "Through the Looking Glass" series have applied to it? I've only known two or three Alices in my life, so it's not exactly a super common name in the real world.

EDIT: And your sig is totally "What would Humbert Humbert do?" That is totally off the chain.

[Greeny]

...But they shouldn't kill her in ALL the routes! At least have a "true ending" where she lives.

You just don't get it. Her dying is the "true ending".

I was under the impression that she was killed by a different character depending on the choices. Doesn't that inherently make these endings NOT the true ending? True endings have to have something different about them that sets them on a different level of canonicity (?).

Well, "canon" usually means the ending the author sees as the way the story should go, were it linear. That the "canon" here would be the girl dying. However, since the canon also is the girl dying, because she was killed by one of the butlers, that inevitably means the author will have to either give the player no choice, or accept that the player will be able to choose which variant of this intent happens.

If, however, there is an ending where she lives, then while that would seem to most as the "happiest" ending, seeing as it is completely contrary to the author's intended experience, it cannot possibly be "canon", or "True" as it is often called.

So then, either these is no "True ending", or all the endings are "True", in that the end result is invariably death. I guess you could even go as far as to say there is only one ending; the many branches of which character the player chooses converge into the one ending at the very last moment before the protagonist's death.

At least, that's the way I see it.

No comment on the naming, other than that in general, maybe the whole VN community could use a little originality in their naming these days.

EDIT: And your sig is totally "What would Humbert Humbert do?" That is totally off the chain.

Yes. Yes it it.

[sayaka-chan95]

@ pond & green : ooh..dont fight,you two.im sorry,it was my fault to put the spoiler,ill edit it right away..and about true route,i already have one in my mind so dont worry =3

@ alera : really? Well,lately i really like butler and being a young lady thingies so..yeah,maybe it similiar. I can change the butler to a servant though (but what the diff between them?)

but do kuroshitsuji have 5 psycho obsessed butler?

[IonicMomo]

Hm...yeah, I don't know if the term "butler" is what you want here. A butler is generally the highest-ranking and most senior male servant in a household, and the person to whom all the other menservants report. It wouldn't really make sense to have multiple butlers. A large household may have one butler and 2-3 footmen that are trained to perform the butler's duties. The MC would probably have several female servants also. But if you're not worried about realism, ignore me and go ahead by all means!

Also, you'd better make it clear what sort of game this is going to be to potential players. Obviously, you will not be portraying any healthy relationships, and the idea that a man can kill a woman because "he loves her so much" is blatantly misogynistic. Just make it clear that's it's only a game, and that you are not trying to send a pro-domestic violence message. Also, if ALL the "butlers" are going to kill the girl, what's the replay value? It seems like all the butlers have the same obsessive personality.

And I have to agree with a previous poster--why is her name Alice? It's a bit overdone. I don't think the story sounds too much like Kuroshitsuji, but I haven't watched the entire series. But it does sound like something that's been done before, in various ways. That's fine, just make sure that you are aware of the tropes you are invoking, and try to keep things different and interesting for the reader. I don't mind rereading a story I've already read, as long as it's good enough to warrant a reread.

[sayaka-chan95]

ooh..i see,i think the guys in this game much more like a servants than butlers

well..the name alice actually like a codename for their prey,every girl who become their prey will be called alice,since the mansion itself called alice nest. i want to explain further,but im afraid ill spoil again

but if there are another suggestion ill consider it

[Alera]

but do kuroshitsuji have 5 psycho obsessed butler?

Not really. 1 was enough there. XD Yes, if we count Grell as a butler, because that's what he was pretending to be in the beginning.

But hey-when I said that there's a resemblance, you didn't get offended, right? I didn't say it as something that bad- just pointed it out. ^^

Oh, and BTW something little: About the name Alice and Kuroshitsuji again. There's an OVA from the second season called Ciel in wonderland and there- Ciel plays the role of Alice. XD
I know here your story doesn't have to do with wonderland, but it's a weird coincidence. O.o

And after all- I also think it would be better if you change the 'butlers' to 'servants'. And I really wonder about the differences in their personalities too, if all of them at the end are crazily obsessed by the same thing.

[Sapphi]

I agree that Alice is a strangely overused name, but in my mind it made sense as an Alice in Wonderland reference. After all, it's one girl with five different men competing for her love - as a GxB game, it seems like "wonderland" could be an appropriate and

ironic

way to describe it.

[Elenakiara]

Ahhh @__@ That spoiler surprised me too... >.< I didn't expect it to be the ending(s)! D: I just thought that it would have been some spoiler from the middle of the story or something like that... xD
So, my main suggestion would be to maybe put "Spoiler: Ending!" in front.

Also, I do also wonder what you'll write so that we try all of the paths, since it's always going to end with her

dieing.

But, being an optimist, I'm sure it can be done, but yeah, knowing the ending kind of made it less suspensful. >.< I still wish you luck with this though! :3