The Hurtful Wall [GxB][Mystery]

[DreamKissProductions]

AH!!! The art is pretty! And interesting, will play the demo tomorrow and will give it my thought ^-~!

[TheOneTwo]

Hello! I've played the demo. And well, the art is really nice. REALLY. There are no typos.. and well. The wall scares the shit outta me. XD

Anyways, the game is incredible. You MUST make this a reality. I'll keep an eye on this one.

[MioSegami]

I played the demo and I have to say...it was interesting! ^-^;;! I thought the voice was funny...or is it just the wall?? XD lol;. I like it's attitude ^-^! However there were a few spelling error, but I'm sure you've got them down with your proofreaders! I really like it though! Will be looking forward for the full release! (She has such good friends!)

[TheOneTwo]

Long time no update.

[philip]

Unfortunately, this seems to be like many projects on this forum, that start out with a lot of promise, and then the progress reports dwindle away until there are no more. Too bad, for I enjoyed the short demo and was looking forward to a completed VN.

[CheeryMoya]

Unfortunately, this seems to be like many projects on this forum, that start out with a lot of promise, and then the progress reports dwindle away until there are no more. Too bad, for I enjoyed the short demo and was looking forward to a completed VN.

clua has many commissions and other projects to work on as well, so don't mark this project dead just yet.

[philip]

Uh- Huh. . . . seeing is believing! I have maybe two dozen topics bookmarked on the forum, there are occasional posts on some of them, but I have yet to see a story completed on any.

[clua]

Hello everyone! I'm so sorry for not replying to the thread before. The Hurtful Wall is not dead...Yet. Even if I'm busy with other fellows projects
(See my development blog once a while please!) I still think on my personal projects, and THW is not an exception.
Funny, because I was talking with Mink(Who was helping me profreading my script) the other day about this.
My problem now is the turn that the story got. I feel it's dumb and well...I don't believe it needs to be continued that way-
So I had two options:
One was to rewrite the whole plot(And to be sincere, I don't think if I have the might to work on this again)...The other was to finish it as it is.

There are just two chapters left to do. So, I leave this question here.
Do you want me to finish the game as it is?(Even if you know my worries about the plot)
If you say yes! Then, I will have to finish it-

Thank you so much for your support all this time. My games are for all of you to enjoy.
Thank you-

[philip]

@clua

Hi- It's good to hear from you. In regard to your question about how to finish the game, I think that you have already answered it yourself. If you decide to do the whole thing over, you say that you probably don't have the energy to finish it, so it will stay uncompleted. If you complete it on the path that you originally intended, then you have a much better chance of getting the story done. You mention that you are not happy with the way your original story is turning out, but how do you know that you will not feel the same way later if you try to rewrite it all over? Just finish it and release it according to your original plan, and if somewhere down the road you decide that you want to upgrade the idea and do it over, go ahead, but at least you will have the completed first version that we fans have been able to enjoy. Hope this is of some help to you.

[shilkefair]

i really like the design of your game and the art is unique as well=D
i agree with philip you should finish it according to plan=D


-------------------------
*Deviantart

work in progress

[AleYrA]

Hellooo! (Well, I have spent the last five minutes trying to decide which language use to write this message -as I know you speak Spanish, but in the end I'll go with the Spanenglish, pff. Sorry for my mispellings).

OMG. I don't usually play demos, but in this case I was impatient to know how you'd make a wall speak, so... Uff, I tried it and I'm still processing the information. To start, the art, the Art: *____* I'll say it in Spanish because I thought it while I was playing and... Well. Queridísima, has creado un mundo que da gusto mirar. De verdad. Me quedaba boquiabierta cada pocos segundos mirando la pantalla: madre mía, ¡si hasta me daba hambre tanto color por todas partes! Qué preciosidad asshbhdansa. Y qué cantidad de trabajo. Yo en tu lugar no sólo no renunciaría a seguir con este proyecto, sino que sacaría una línea de camisetas con dibujos del juego (heeey, no es mala idea êwe).

Ah, fíjate: mi reacción, como es natural al abrir este post y ver un dibujo en el que aparece Louis (no me sale escribir el nombre aaiii :,,( ) con el, llamémoslo, "individuo-de-mala-lengua-que-habita-en-el-muro-supuestamente", es quedarme diez minutos girando la pantalla tratando de hacer más visibles sus rasgos. Al final creo que conseguí distinguirle un ojo y media sonrisa de pillo. HUMMM. Ya estoy un par de píxeles más cerca de la verdad xD. *Aghhh, nooo, acabo de releerme el post y he descubierto que ese individuo no es Canaan. AGAHSJHAJS. Oh, noooo....

Mi segundo empanamiento tiene lugar cuando abro la demo y me encuentro en plena pantalla a la prota hablando sola (*OOO*); el tercero cuando voy a bajarle la voz y descubro que las estrellitas del menú se mueven (O:::O), y así seguí hasta que se acabó lo que se daba. Buff.

Pero qué quieres que te diga, hija de mi vida, a mí ya me has hipnotizado. De hecho, hubo dos momentos en los que de verdad que me asusté cuando estaba jugando: el primero fue con el grito (que me puso hasta el último de los pelos de las cejas de punta) y el segundo con la sombra que le aparece por encima. No, no me lo esperaba, NADA (luego estuve toda la noche vigilando a mi alrededor... Nunca podré volver a mirar a mis paredes con los mismos ojos >___<).

Lo curioso es que luego, cuando Amy (¿Amy?) se enfada con la protagonista de esa forma tan bestial, yo estaba convencidísima de que el muro le había dicho algo por teléfono o así xD (hasta ese punto llega mi paranoia).

Okay, regarding to your question "do you want me to finish the game as it is?", I would say "YES". Humm. Or, rather, "PLEASE, finish the game as you like." You have said (I don't know if I read it here or in your blog...) that you didn't like the idea you have thought to explain all what's happening because it was too fantastic, but.... (Otra vez con el español xD) Bueno, no por ello deberías desanimarte (sobre todo porque al final las ideas más raras siempre acaban siendo las más interesantes, jajaja). Además, que una explicación sea fantástica no quiere decir que no pueda estar bien fundamentada. En la realidad del juego que has creado puede que tenga más sentido algo estrambótico que algo normal ñ____ñ. A lo mejor podrías ir colando pequeños indicios de lo que realmente sucede a lo largo de toda la historia... (?) No sé, no me hagas caso pff.

En cuanto al guión, yo lo veo maravillosamente (no sólo por la calidad de la imagen, claro está ^-^). Y además está encajado a la perfección en el mundo que has creado. ¿Por qué vas a reescribirlo si ya tiene todo lo que necesita: suspense, por todos lados? A mí con lo del muro ya me habías conquistado xD Mira, te lo grito: ¡es GENIAL! Y creéme. Todo es muy curioso, yep. Dan ganas de seguir leyendo. Tantas, que ahora estoy frustradísima porque no puedo seguir. T.T ((Aunque, bueno, no sé si luego profundizarás en ello pero a mí no me ha quedado muy claro el motivo de que su madre fuera a llevarla a terapia. Tienen una relación rara... ¿Luego hablarás más de ellas?))

Ahora mismo tienes que tener la cabeza como un bombo, jajaja. Seguro que debes de haberte pasado horas comiéndote el coco para tratar de idear un buen final para todo. Los que estamos desde fuera te decimos que lo que has hecho es increíble ^..^. Y ya sabes, si necesitas ayuda con algo, no sé, dilo por aquí a ver qué pasa (ésta es mi dulce forma de ofrecerme a ayudar en lo que pueda). Y si te duele ya la cabeza de pensar, prueba a escribir por instinto. O no escribas, ¡píntalo! Que eso siemore ayuda.

Nada más, y nada menos. Ya he dicho un poco de todo y me he quedado más tranquila. Ánimo, clua, ¡plíssssh! *Al menos, si al final en un arranque decides abandonar este proyecto (en cuyo caso mi espíritu online te perseguirá hasta el fin de los tiempos hasta en tus peores pesadillas *fire fire*), postea por aquí cómo acabaría la historia, que a unos pocos nos tienes muertos de curiosidad.

¡Un beso con pipas de manzana!

(HUMM. Sorry, I mean: I'm the worst trying to write in English =____<)

Edito: Hala, I'm going to anwer this.

+Did you liked the demo so far? Yes, a lot, in fact ^////^
+Which parts did you feel it needed more work? Uff, I don't know. Maybe the relationship with her stepmother...?
+Your favorite character maybe XD? Ah, of course: the wall. And the protagonist. Son un par de elementos con todas las letras, jajajaja.
+Any theories of what might be happening? Okay.

-Primero: que a Canaan lo han emparedado dentro del muro por alguna extraña razón que a mí se me escapa.
-Segundo: que la pintura del muro era tan pegajosa que ha atrapado el alma del pobre bicho.
-Tercero: que el muro en realidad era de otra casa (una casa encantada).

Y ya no llego a más, TT.TT

[philip]

Well, almost another year has passed without an update; guess this one goes in the never to be completed pile!

philip

[Cafechan]

SO the new demo is out, and I am extremely excited about it because I love clua's works very much!!! I can get more in-depth with things if you need me to, but for now, here's a brief overview of my initial impressions (I played the entire demo in one sitting very late at night, so take my commentary with a grain of salt -laughs- )



Presentation:

I'm not picky about things like GUI as long as they're readable and not too distracting, both of which I feel like you do well, so it's all good in my book! I like what you did with the menus a lot. The handwritten text for the buttons adds a neat feeling to it. It's all simple but effective. The main menu is clean and nice to look at, although I'll admit the moving mouth scared me a little! (Not a bad thing. Everything scares me late at night LOL). The chapter titles are pretty!!

I like the way you tend to use a visual motif for your game art (in TKOT, it was that swirly circle, and in THW, it's that sparkle shape.) It's a small detail, but it's unique and I dig it.

The text box is clean and easy on the eyes, although sometimes the words overlap with the sparkles that are on the far right of the box and become difficult to read.

I'm not sure if it's just me or if you intentionally programmed it this way, but even when I put the text speed to maximum in the options, it still scrolls relatively slowly. I'm a fast reader, so I have a preference for either EXTREMELY fast scrolling text, or text that shows up instantly, because otherwise I mash my spacebar impatiently. <:( That's just a small nitpicky thing for me!

I like the grayed out text for Lois' thoughts. When the protagonist has an always present side image, sometimes it gets confusing what they're thinking and what they're saying, so this is a nice way of handling it!



Script:

The proofreading is still in early stages, so I won't say too much about it, but the first few chapters could use more proofreading as well. In particular, I noticed:
- some repetitive lines ("I like to talk to myself, just like now" —> we can see that she's talking to herself so no need to state 'just like now'!)
- odd or inconsistent actions ("*I left the book on my bed*" —> it might sound best as either just narration ("I leave my book on the bed."), a thought ("I'll just leave my book here on the bed..."), or a plain action ("*leaves book on bed*"))
- mixing of past and present tense ("everything seems so uninteresting" (present) —> "Maybe it was because I was waiting for Rebecca" (past)
- a frequent mixture of ' and `, which looks very odd!

If you need more help with proofreading script, I'll happily offer to do so for free (maybe not the entire script, but at least part of it!). I understand that writing in a language that is not your first is EXTREMELY hard, so please don't feel bad at all about these criticisms!!! What's really important is that the story and dialogue itself was VERY engaging and fun to read—enough so that the blunders in grammar were easy for me to ignore because I was having fun reading. I'd much rather read an interesting story that's rough around the edges than a perfectly proofread one that's boring.

Your strong point is character interactions. Lois' friendships with the other two girls is very touching and cute. Even the subplot with her and her stepmom stood out to me, despite how brief it was in the grand scheme of everything else. I hope that will be touched on more later on in the story...

The mystery and buildup is really interesting. I can tell this is the kind of game I'll want to replay a few times once I've been able to beat it, so that I can understand all the foreshadowing better.

...I mentioned this in my note to you on tumblr, but I'm smitten with Canaan. There's something about the bratty characters you write that I really enjoy... The semi-vulgar, yet unexpectedly cute types are my favorite (laughs) As soon as he felt ashamed after Lois scolded him for his bad mouth, I knew I was going to be charmed by him. On that note, I love Lois' interactions with him because she yells at him and asserts herself right from the beginning. She doesn't let herself get pushed around by him. That dynamic is really great.

Unrelated note: JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY, THE SCREAMING SOUND EFFECT FROM HIM SCARED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME like no joke, I had JUST put my earbuds on because I was like "hmm I will enjoy this game with earbuds on so that it's easier for me to focus—GKFSDGHDSGDKHG LOUD SOUND LATE IN THE NIGHT NO!!!!!!!!" ...then I pulled my earbuds off... LOL I related to Lois o<-<

Jump scare aside, the scary moments were really scary. I think your vivid visuals helped with it. Overall, once the wall opened up, I felt myself getting nervous... in a good way! I was so scared of making Lois open her eyes...

Rightfully so. LOL ;_;

But I think that's really cool. You really created a spooky atmosphere.

For the "about this place, about him, about this willpower of his"

and the option to ask about what you saw before if you opened your eyes

menu, I noticed that if you

had unlocked that extra option

, that selecting the other options in a certain order made it impossible to access the "That's enough" option. I can't remember what order I clicked them in, but I was just messing around with clicking multiple times on each one and the option disappeared, so I couldn't continue. I had to reload an old save state to get back! Just letting you know about this so that no one makes the same mistake I did! It wasn't a big deal or anything since I save a lot, but yeah!

The ability to

pick a character for the last chapter

is really interesting and unique, and I just can't wait to see how that works out. I'm so excited!!!



Visuals:

The art was something I was looking forward to because I love your art. I was not at all disappointed, and in fact, I was surprised by just how many special illustrations there were for the different scenes. It was really great and made the story that much more vivid. The effect on the CG from when

Lois went to her friend's house, saw the note on the door, and then suddenly flashed into her room

was extremely cool.

The detail of Lois' clothes changing on her sprite is a nice touch.

As I mentioned before, the creepy parts were REALLY spooky because of the art that went with them, I think. You did well on that.

The characters are all unique and easily distinguishable from each other. I particularly like the slightly boyish Lois, and hey, I'm not gonna front; Canaan is extremely handsome. Eeeeek. Everyone was cute though!

The art for Canaan's world is very... well, other-worldly! I like it a lot. It fits will with the bright outlandishness of Canaan and his people.

The illustration of Canaan shoving dirt into Lois' mouth (hahaha) was particularly pretty!!! Lois' face was so cute...



Final thoughts:

I feel like I brought up a bunch of dumb little nitpicky things, but overall I felt good about this demo and I'm anxious to play the full game!!!!!! I gotta know what's going on! I have no theories yet because I'm not creative... But whatever it is, it seems really cool... You have a knack for creating oddball universes and I get sucked into them so easily. I love that.

Also if you ever do a commercial game in the future, I'll happily support you!!! Good luck with everything!

[clua]

Everyone, I`m sorry I have abandon this thread :_:
I did an updated demo(You can get it here!) It`s half what I was planning and half things that I changed, and I`m
glad I did change it, to be honest I didn`t had many hopes on the previous version I almost choped entirely.
(Yeah, if you think this game is bad, well imagine how the previous version was!)

So this new demo got two more chapters after the previous one. They are longer and well. I`m open to any advice you could
give me! The game just need one more chapter to end, and that`s all !

I will answer all your questions now :

@clua

Hi- It's good to hear from you. In regard to your question about how to finish the game, I think that you have already answered it yourself. If you decide to do the whole thing over, you say that you probably don't have the energy to finish it, so it will stay uncompleted. If you complete it on the path that you originally intended, then you have a much better chance of getting the story done. You mention that you are not happy with the way your original story is turning out, but how do you know that you will not feel the same way later if you try to rewrite it all over? Just finish it and release it according to your original plan, and if somewhere down the road you decide that you want to upgrade the idea and do it over, go ahead, but at least you will have the completed first version that we fans have been able to enjoy. Hope this is of some help to you.

Well, I did half and a half. XD I think I might add all the art that was scrapped on a gallery or something I think they are like 2 cgs at least and some character sprites. Anyway I think it was good to retake this now. Like I have fresh view of this than I did before, where I was pressing myself to write something coherent where there was anything coherent to grab on.

i really like the design of your game and the art is unique as well=D
i agree with philip you should finish it according to plan=D

Thank you! I`m getting near to the end of this. But I want to hear what you all think about the new demo hehe.

Hellooo! (Well, I have spent the last five minutes trying to decide which language use to write this message -as I know you speak Spanish, but in the end I'll go with the Spanenglish, pff. Sorry for my mispellings).

OMG. I don't usually play demos, but in this case I was impatient to know how you'd make a wall speak, so... Uff, I tried it and I'm still processing the information. To start, the art, the Art: *____* I'll say it in Spanish because I thought it while I was playing and... Well. Queridísima, has creado un mundo que da gusto mirar. De verdad. Me quedaba boquiabierta cada pocos segundos mirando la pantalla: madre mía, ¡si hasta me daba hambre tanto color por todas partes! Qué preciosidad asshbhdansa. Y qué cantidad de trabajo. Yo en tu lugar no sólo no renunciaría a seguir con este proyecto, sino que sacaría una línea de camisetas con dibujos del juego (heeey, no es mala idea êwe).

Ah, fíjate: mi reacción, como es natural al abrir este post y ver un dibujo en el que aparece Louis (no me sale escribir el nombre aaiii :,,( ) con el, llamémoslo, "individuo-de-mala-lengua-que-habita-en-el-muro-supuestamente", es quedarme diez minutos girando la pantalla tratando de hacer más visibles sus rasgos. Al final creo que conseguí distinguirle un ojo y media sonrisa de pillo. HUMMM. Ya estoy un par de píxeles más cerca de la verdad xD. *Aghhh, nooo, acabo de releerme el post y he descubierto que ese individuo no es Canaan. AGAHSJHAJS. Oh, noooo....

Mi segundo empanamiento tiene lugar cuando abro la demo y me encuentro en plena pantalla a la prota hablando sola (*OOO*); el tercero cuando voy a bajarle la voz y descubro que las estrellitas del menú se mueven (O:::O), y así seguí hasta que se acabó lo que se daba. Buff.

Pero qué quieres que te diga, hija de mi vida, a mí ya me has hipnotizado. De hecho, hubo dos momentos en los que de verdad que me asusté cuando estaba jugando: el primero fue con el grito (que me puso hasta el último de los pelos de las cejas de punta) y el segundo con la sombra que le aparece por encima. No, no me lo esperaba, NADA (luego estuve toda la noche vigilando a mi alrededor... Nunca podré volver a mirar a mis paredes con los mismos ojos >___<).

Lo curioso es que luego, cuando Amy (¿Amy?) se enfada con la protagonista de esa forma tan bestial, yo estaba convencidísima de que el muro le había dicho algo por teléfono o así xD (hasta ese punto llega mi paranoia).

Okay, regarding to your question "do you want me to finish the game as it is?", I would say "YES". Humm. Or, rather, "PLEASE, finish the game as you like." You have said (I don't know if I read it here or in your blog...) that you didn't like the idea you have thought to explain all what's happening because it was too fantastic, but.... (Otra vez con el español xD) Bueno, no por ello deberías desanimarte (sobre todo porque al final las ideas más raras siempre acaban siendo las más interesantes, jajaja). Además, que una explicación sea fantástica no quiere decir que no pueda estar bien fundamentada. En la realidad del juego que has creado puede que tenga más sentido algo estrambótico que algo normal ñ____ñ. A lo mejor podrías ir colando pequeños indicios de lo que realmente sucede a lo largo de toda la historia... (?) No sé, no me hagas caso pff.

En cuanto al guión, yo lo veo maravillosamente (no sólo por la calidad de la imagen, claro está ^-^). Y además está encajado a la perfección en el mundo que has creado. ¿Por qué vas a reescribirlo si ya tiene todo lo que necesita: suspense, por todos lados? A mí con lo del muro ya me habías conquistado xD Mira, te lo grito: ¡es GENIAL! Y creéme. Todo es muy curioso, yep. Dan ganas de seguir leyendo. Tantas, que ahora estoy frustradísima porque no puedo seguir. T.T ((Aunque, bueno, no sé si luego profundizarás en ello pero a mí no me ha quedado muy claro el motivo de que su madre fuera a llevarla a terapia. Tienen una relación rara... ¿Luego hablarás más de ellas?))

Ahora mismo tienes que tener la cabeza como un bombo, jajaja. Seguro que debes de haberte pasado horas comiéndote el coco para tratar de idear un buen final para todo. Los que estamos desde fuera te decimos que lo que has hecho es increíble ^..^. Y ya sabes, si necesitas ayuda con algo, no sé, dilo por aquí a ver qué pasa (ésta es mi dulce forma de ofrecerme a ayudar en lo que pueda). Y si te duele ya la cabeza de pensar, prueba a escribir por instinto. O no escribas, ¡píntalo! Que eso siemore ayuda.

Nada más, y nada menos. Ya he dicho un poco de todo y me he quedado más tranquila. Ánimo, clua, ¡plíssssh! *Al menos, si al final en un arranque decides abandonar este proyecto (en cuyo caso mi espíritu online te perseguirá hasta el fin de los tiempos hasta en tus peores pesadillas *fire fire*), postea por aquí cómo acabaría la historia, que a unos pocos nos tienes muertos de curiosidad.

¡Un beso con pipas de manzana!

(HUMM. Sorry, I mean: I'm the worst trying to write in English =____<)

Edito: Hala, I'm going to anwer this.

+Did you liked the demo so far? Yes, a lot, in fact ^////^
+Which parts did you feel it needed more work? Uff, I don't know. Maybe the relationship with her stepmother...?
+Your favorite character maybe XD? Ah, of course: the wall. And the protagonist. Son un par de elementos con todas las letras, jajajaja.
+Any theories of what might be happening? Okay.

-Primero: que a Canaan lo han emparedado dentro del muro por alguna extraña razón que a mí se me escapa.
-Segundo: que la pintura del muro era tan pegajosa que ha atrapado el alma del pobre bicho.
-Tercero: que el muro en realidad era de otra casa (una casa encantada).

Y ya no llego a más, TT.TT

xD! Perdón por responder tan tarde! Voy a responder en ingles ya que es lo que la mayoría habla aquí. Pero mi corazón hispano-hablante esta feliz de saber que también hablas español jeje!

Thank you for your kind words about the ilustrations. I don`t know if I got a little bit better, there are some things to fix there. But I`m attacthed to this style, where everything looks like bad compressed images and there is a limit of colors. I think this is something
is now trendy but for me looks creepy as hell! XD And yeah, that`s one of the main reasons I`m back to work on this. Because I invested a whole lot of time doing this game :A:.

XD You can write her name as you like. I know that you are refering to her lol. Well there is a picture of Lois with him in the OP picture hehe! You are probably not wrong there.

I admit the animation of the main menu was more like an experiment if I could add actual animation there hehe. I`m glad many people like it. I think it needs one frame more for the mouth for her to randomly speak something that look like an actual word lol.

XD About the should I think everyone agrees that is scary(Everytime I play this to test the game, I mute all sounds until

I reach chapter the later part of chapter 3...XD)

For me the most scary part of the game is

The part where she gets sucked up/when she reaches Elsa`s house.

Part of the reason is explained on the lastest demo(But probably it`s still hard to relate it with that yet? Or not? I`m not sure D;) I wanted to make it super scarier XD

Nah, Amy is just a very emotional person. The kind that cries when she gets scolded or yelled.

I did continue the story and half of the events are the ones I planned, the other half are newer. But the main idea stays actually. I was on the verge of writting something that would fit more the creepy atmostphere since I didn`t introduced yet Canaan`s identity.
But I got fed up with those ideas, because I felt I was writting something else just to not look as a fool in front everyone haha.

Well, about taking Lois to the therapist.

Since Lois refuses to speak up what happened that day, and she is clearly shocked about it, made her mom worried to death .This was a suggestion from his sister, Noel(The one she speaks with at chapter two?) Rebecca is the type of mom that`s most of the time clueless what to do with their children. So she tends to leave to others to tell her what`s happening with their loved ones. I think I might not go deeper on their relation on the game. You can ask about it though! She adopted Lois because she is unable to bear her own children, also she reached a point where she found out she needed someone`s company(Even Lois knows!) to bright her life. Yeah, nothing too fancy.

Definitivamente! XD more like: "How do I make this sound believable?!" The endings are something I got more clear than anything else.
I don`t remember if I left in this thread clear that this game was based on a super old story I had. That story was very very different from the game. It was more uhm...I really can`t describe it! It could be whatever since I didn`t wrote more of it :_: I think I posted a drawing of it. :A: Ahh, this one (Beware: Ugly drawing) And this is the very first concept for game Lois I drew

About your theories:

-Primero: que a Canaan lo han emparedado dentro del muro por alguna extraña razón que a mí se me escapa.
> XD!! That would really be awesome, like Lois starts to peel the wallpaper and she can see an eye and then she could pick it...
-Segundo: que la pintura del muro era tan pegajosa que ha atrapado el alma del pobre bicho.
>Se que bicho es para designar a una persona rara, pero si lo leo literalmente me da mucha risa XD. Me imagino a Cannan siendo un moscón enorme.
-Tercero: que el muro en realidad era de otra casa (una casa encantada).
>This sounds really awesome! Estoy tentada en escribir algo sobre fantasmas jeje.

Sadly the real events are too dumb..:_:

Thank you so so much for writting this long apreciation! I passed by from time to time to read it since it made me smile everytime I read it. Muchísimas gracias de nuevo!! ;A;

Well, almost another year has passed without an update; guess this one goes in the never to be completed pile!

philip

XD...:_: I`m sorry! I really didn`t feel to continue, but things are different now. A little bit different actually but It kinda motivated me seeing this comment. I`m sorry btw I`m replying you separatedly from your previous comment.

SO the new demo is out, and I am extremely excited about it because I love clua's works very much!!! I can get more in-depth with things if you need me to, but for now, here's a brief overview of my initial impressions (I played the entire demo in one sitting very late at night, so take my commentary with a grain of salt -laughs- )



Presentation:

I'm not picky about things like GUI as long as they're readable and not too distracting, both of which I feel like you do well, so it's all good in my book! I like what you did with the menus a lot. The handwritten text for the buttons adds a neat feeling to it. It's all simple but effective. The main menu is clean and nice to look at, although I'll admit the moving mouth scared me a little! (Not a bad thing. Everything scares me late at night LOL). The chapter titles are pretty!!

I like the way you tend to use a visual motif for your game art (in TKOT, it was that swirly circle, and in THW, it's that sparkle shape.) It's a small detail, but it's unique and I dig it.

The text box is clean and easy on the eyes, although sometimes the words overlap with the sparkles that are on the far right of the box and become difficult to read.

I'm not sure if it's just me or if you intentionally programmed it this way, but even when I put the text speed to maximum in the options, it still scrolls relatively slowly. I'm a fast reader, so I have a preference for either EXTREMELY fast scrolling text, or text that shows up instantly, because otherwise I mash my spacebar impatiently. <:( That's just a small nitpicky thing for me!

I like the grayed out text for Lois' thoughts. When the protagonist has an always present side image, sometimes it gets confusing what they're thinking and what they're saying, so this is a nice way of handling it!



Script:

The proofreading is still in early stages, so I won't say too much about it, but the first few chapters could use more proofreading as well. In particular, I noticed:
- some repetitive lines ("I like to talk to myself, just like now" —> we can see that she's talking to herself so no need to state 'just like now'!)
- odd or inconsistent actions ("*I left the book on my bed*" —> it might sound best as either just narration ("I leave my book on the bed."), a thought ("I'll just leave my book here on the bed..."), or a plain action ("*leaves book on bed*"))
- mixing of past and present tense ("everything seems so uninteresting" (present) —> "Maybe it was because I was waiting for Rebecca" (past)
- a frequent mixture of ' and `, which looks very odd!

If you need more help with proofreading script, I'll happily offer to do so for free (maybe not the entire script, but at least part of it!). I understand that writing in a language that is not your first is EXTREMELY hard, so please don't feel bad at all about these criticisms!!! What's really important is that the story and dialogue itself was VERY engaging and fun to read—enough so that the blunders in grammar were easy for me to ignore because I was having fun reading. I'd much rather read an interesting story that's rough around the edges than a perfectly proofread one that's boring.

Your strong point is character interactions. Lois' friendships with the other two girls is very touching and cute. Even the subplot with her and her stepmom stood out to me, despite how brief it was in the grand scheme of everything else. I hope that will be touched on more later on in the story...

The mystery and buildup is really interesting. I can tell this is the kind of game I'll want to replay a few times once I've been able to beat it, so that I can understand all the foreshadowing better.

...I mentioned this in my note to you on tumblr, but I'm smitten with Canaan. There's something about the bratty characters you write that I really enjoy... The semi-vulgar, yet unexpectedly cute types are my favorite (laughs) As soon as he felt ashamed after Lois scolded him for his bad mouth, I knew I was going to be charmed by him. On that note, I love Lois' interactions with him because she yells at him and asserts herself right from the beginning. She doesn't let herself get pushed around by him. That dynamic is really great.

Unrelated note: JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY, THE SCREAMING SOUND EFFECT FROM HIM SCARED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME like no joke, I had JUST put my earbuds on because I was like "hmm I will enjoy this game with earbuds on so that it's easier for me to focus—GKFSDGHDSGDKHG LOUD SOUND LATE IN THE NIGHT NO!!!!!!!!" ...then I pulled my earbuds off... LOL I related to Lois o<-<

Jump scare aside, the scary moments were really scary. I think your vivid visuals helped with it. Overall, once the wall opened up, I felt myself getting nervous... in a good way! I was so scared of making Lois open her eyes...

Rightfully so. LOL ;_;

But I think that's really cool. You really created a spooky atmosphere.

For the "about this place, about him, about this willpower of his"

and the option to ask about what you saw before if you opened your eyes

menu, I noticed that if you

had unlocked that extra option

, that selecting the other options in a certain order made it impossible to access the "That's enough" option. I can't remember what order I clicked them in, but I was just messing around with clicking multiple times on each one and the option disappeared, so I couldn't continue. I had to reload an old save state to get back! Just letting you know about this so that no one makes the same mistake I did! It wasn't a big deal or anything since I save a lot, but yeah!

The ability to

pick a character for the last chapter

is really interesting and unique, and I just can't wait to see how that works out. I'm so excited!!!



Visuals:

The art was something I was looking forward to because I love your art. I was not at all disappointed, and in fact, I was surprised by just how many special illustrations there were for the different scenes. It was really great and made the story that much more vivid. The effect on the CG from when

Lois went to her friend's house, saw the note on the door, and then suddenly flashed into her room

was extremely cool.

The detail of Lois' clothes changing on her sprite is a nice touch.

As I mentioned before, the creepy parts were REALLY spooky because of the art that went with them, I think. You did well on that.

The characters are all unique and easily distinguishable from each other. I particularly like the slightly boyish Lois, and hey, I'm not gonna front; Canaan is extremely handsome. Eeeeek. Everyone was cute though!

The art for Canaan's world is very... well, other-worldly! I like it a lot. It fits will with the bright outlandishness of Canaan and his people.

The illustration of Canaan shoving dirt into Lois' mouth (hahaha) was particularly pretty!!! Lois' face was so cute...



Final thoughts:

I feel like I brought up a bunch of dumb little nitpicky things, but overall I felt good about this demo and I'm anxious to play the full game!!!!!! I gotta know what's going on! I have no theories yet because I'm not creative... But whatever it is, it seems really cool... You have a knack for creating oddball universes and I get sucked into them so easily. I love that.

Also if you ever do a commercial game in the future, I'll happily support you!!! Good luck with everything!

AAAAAAAA I never thought you would write this long post too :A:A: Thank you so much!!

I will reply about the topics you gave your impressions(Wow, I suck so much at choosing words in english..orz)

Presentation:
XD Yeah, I know the feeling of getting scared even of my own hands at late night(Or probably that`s just me and this stupid almost blind eyes)

About the textbox. :A: This is something I noticed to and I wasn`t sure if I should change it since nobody complain about it. But now I think I should. Perhaps nobody complain because it`s still readable, but they are struggling a little bit with the visibility of the text there. Thank you for that!

About text speed: Yes, I tend to program on every game. I change text speed acording to each character. Like Elsa(Or if you remmeber Lilja from TKOT) she speaks very very fast. Also all Lois expressions are coded to speak differently :_:
Now this is other point that I was afraid of, and I`m glad you brought it. I was afraid the pacing of the game is too slow and people will get bored really fast. A friend told me it was a little boring that she should do that much clicks to read what characters had to say. So I merge a lot of dialogues there. I really really like the effect of text appearing little by little. Also adding some little pauses on some dialogues. It makes me feel I can hear the character. So, in the end, I think I will change the text speed for something more standart. Now it`s still too slow.

Script:

:A: I will check everything you said about the early parts of the script! No worries about it you can criticize me all you want about my english skills(Well, the game overall too but I`m more conscious about my writting and my english skills). The present and past tense is still confusing for me (Because I rely a lot on what sounds good to me)

Thank you so much for your kind offer! If I didn`t had already Mink helping me on that I would gladly accept your help :A:.
To be honest I used to write horrible(Just a peek to the OP...Gosh!) Not that I`m way better but I guessing I gave Mink a headache back then...orz. Thank you again, this means a lot for me!

Oh! Those are two points for more Lois and Rebecca backstory! Hmmm I was going to add a brief backstory from Lois pov but as I told Aleyra, nothing deeper. Maybe I should add some extras after beating the game haha.

Yes! I love to write dialogues! Actually first person writing gives me headaches. I like to write dialogue driven stories better like TKOT.
About Lois and Canaan I don`t want any of them to outsmart the other? But keep each other in line instead? XD

This time I want to build the romance better, but I know this won`t end with them being in deep everlasting love.

XD! Well aside from the scream

Sorry it happens twice :_:!

About opening her eyes...

I knew the choice itself, even if not scary, would generate some sort of tension, like you are already expecting something there! XD

About the choices

The "Those things..." Only appears if you, of course, opened your eyes back then, and also if you ask the first question. I think it was "About this place". Now, "that`s enough" option appears if you have asked the three previous questions.

But now, you make me doubt because that never happened to me before :A: I didn`t test that much that part... I`m going to check that too.

The last chapter is the longest one! I already killed some characters there were supoused to appear because they were obviously evil :u Like

Canaan`s uncle, rest in pieces.

There will be at least two new characters there with a mayor role. I`m kind of excited I reached this far on the game ;A;

Visuals:
Ohoho....;A; I was waiting for everyone to tell me how horrible the old and new art looks together :_: But I`m glad you like it!

Yay I like boyish Lois too, she will...uhm yeah I was about to tell some spoilers here but I better keep my hands off the keyboard..............

I would love to add more clothing change, from the look of the game it looks like Lois just owns many pairs of that shirt and pants...
But it takes me more time to program that than drawing the variations (Just because I keep forgetting the names of the files...)

Again thank you so so much for writting this long feedback! They weren`t dumb at all, this helps me to build a better game :A:
Also good luck with Duenkhy! I need to play the demo very soon XD!

[snowflakes]

Writing this because I feel of doing it.
When I saw that you didn't forget about this game, I was so happy... Because I am here because of TKOT. A year ago I played that game, and it impressed me. Since that, I have been playing a lot of VN, and even I brought a tablet to start drawing. All because of your art, your creations inspired me. I was doubting doing that, but when I discovered your games and your creations, I feel so inspirated that now I can be proud to say that Im a begginer artist thanks of you. It sounds quite fangirlish, but thats the truth. I don't know why, but you inspired myself to that point.
Only left to say that i loved the demo, and when I saw the news in your blog I was really happy. Looking forward to the complete game and thank you for everything, even if you think that you didnt do anything !