Maybe I made her seem like she has Asperger's Syndrome because of the fact that I have it. I found out I had it when I was 13.Argeus_the_Paladin wrote:Hmm...
I can say right now that while I have as little qualms about the art of this game as the next guy, I do have quite a few comments about the writing. Your technical writing needs work, and quite a bit of it.
1) Show, don't tell
This is a golden rule. A piece of prose is generally much better if, instead of you the author stating outright that person A or object A' has property B, you show the reader how that is so. Here, right in the first sentences you gave us "Amy, our nerdy friend". Your primary way of proving to the readers that Amy indeed is a nerd, or her brother is a grade-A jackass, or her mother is "shy" (dunno how you got to this, actually. More in point no. 2 below) is "because I say so". This makes for poor and unconvincing writing. It almost seems to me that you are overly-eager to announce your characters' most superficial traits as their defining characteristic. Which brings us to point no. 2:
2) Tropes aren't cliches, yes. Does not mean you should overuse them.
Within just the first few lines of dialogues, you've given us a terribly clumsy and nerdy girl who is born into a family with a mother who seems to have been lifted straight out from a certain selection of anime, a brother who plays the role of the stupid/jerk to a tee, and a rather disconnected father who superficially doesn't give a hoot but somehow cares about her anyway. Oh, and she also befriends a token anime fan and is also picked on by the popular girl in school. I could have turned that entire sentence blue with links to the 'tropes. This is not a good thing.
It is one thing to use tropes - heck, you can't go anywhere without them in terms of fiction-writing - but to use so much of them in so quick succession as to create a sense of pastiche of various overdone high school elements is another entirely. This makes your story highly derivative and predictable, and, depending on how you look at it, contrived and hard to believe. Simply put, defining a character by a single trait is never good - it creates a one-dimensional character who is neither engaging nor convincing.
3) Nerdy? Nerdy!
Echoing what Panda said above: it's hard to find Amy nerdy. And here's why:
According to Wikipedia, a nerd is a stereotypical "person typically described as socially-impaired, obsessive, or overly intellectual. They may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular or obscure activities, pursuits, or interests, which are generally either highly technical, or relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities." So if Amy's interest is one that is too technical and advanced for people of her age, she can be confidently coined a nerd. If she's into, say, the realms of Tolkien and has memorized the history of the Quendi from the awakening of the Vanyar to the crowning of Aragorn Elessar as High King of Gondor and Arnor, she can also be considered a nerd. Here? All we are shown is her excessive interest in very simple calculus for that age, for no reason other than "because it makes her look nerdy". It doesn't, I'm afraid.
What it does, on the other hand, make her look like is someone with Asperger's Syndrome, which is described as displaying "behavior, interests, and activities that are restricted and repetitive and are sometimes abnormally intense or focused. They may stick to inflexible routines, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways, or preoccupy themselves with parts of objects." That is exactly what Amy's calculus obsession seems to be about. It serves no practical purposes. If she was doing maths to solve a difficult problem, to figure out an unknown variable in a highly obfuscated equation or testing her mettle against some unproven theorems, it's another thing entirely. That's not the case - she's simply droning a simple calculus expression that has been taught in many educations to students in year five or six. I had to study cubes and cube roots of numbers from one to ten when I was in year 5, and that was quite the norm. Which is why Amy seems less like a maths genius and more like someone who is clinically obsessed with rather simple numbers.
In conclusion, my advice is as such:
- First off, please don't take this as a personal attack, and don't be disheartened. I am aware this is your first game (though I'm not sure if this is your first story), and there is still plenty of room for improvement. When I was your age, I haven't yet graduated from writing derivative Final Fantasy cookie cutter fanfics. A professional author I've chanced to know have told me multiple times that even for those who technically write well, they can expect to simply throw away their first few literary works, and that half a million words is barely the beginning for an author. The bar may be slightly different for game makers, but at the end of the day the merit holds - improvement, improvement and improvement.
- Second, you may want to make the characters more distinct and different from the tropes they are based on. Mix and match their personality traits a bit at the beginning and build on it so as to create a character cast that is less the trope personifications and more characters of their own. For instance, say you want to keep Amy a nerd. That's fine - but aside from that trait, what is she? A good friend? A friendly person at heart? Someone with a hidden insecurity? Anything goes - pick a number of secondary traits, even at random, and build on them. Apply this process to all of your character cast. What is Evan other than being a "stupid brother"? What is Varina aside from being a simple cookie cutter libby? What is Justin aside from being, well, a love-interest-to-be? Once you're done with that, you'll have a much more vibrant and lively character cast.
- Third, you might want to reconsider Amy's nerdiness. She doesn't necessarily need to be a Maths nerd - a Physics or Chemistry nerd does just fine, and in these field, trust me, even the simplest equations in the eyes of the professionals can illicit a "Wha...?" reaction from laymen. Tell me "CH3COOH - that's vinegar - interacting with C2H5OH - that is ethanol or drinking alcohol -/C6H5OH creates CH3COOC2H5/CH3COOC6H5 and water" does not sound nerdy enough for her
My apologies if this sounds too harsh. Still, I hope these comments helps, and wish you best of luck on your future endeavor with this game.
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A lot has changed since the first demo. Trust me, the next demo will be way better!Cinnamoon wrote:Hello there !
First, I have to say I looooooove your textbox <3 It is so cute !
I tried the demo, and I think it was all going too fast. We don't know much about Amy, and saying "she's a nerd" is good, but I don't understand HOW she is a nerd. There are a lot of statement like this ; but we don't really get to know the setting and the characters.
The art is cute <3 I'd love to see the others sprites.
Good luck on your VN, I'll be waiting for the entire game
(and please forget my bad english >.<)
Do you know when you will release it ? I'm looking forward to this ^^briannavon wrote:A lot has changed since the first demo. Trust me, the next demo will be way better!
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