Blooming✿Blossoms [BxG, School Life]

[tuna_sushi]

~IMPORTANT NEWS~ (10/June/2012) I have packed this game and sent it to my friend. She will finish the game, with my VN name (FuwaFuwa Feathers) as (some) Original character Design and Original Story.
First of all, sorry for you phone users. The ✿ (flower) is part of the title, and you'll probably see a square ._.

This is my first VN, so I'm pretty nervous and excited about it .
Argh, how do I start?

[TITLE]

Blooming✿Blossoms

[STORY]
Sorry for my bad English...

Hanako and Renji were never experts at making friends. That's why they're always together. Renji only has one friend, but Hanako has two friends. At least that's what she thinks... Renji never sees the so-called ‘Hana-chan’ Hanako talks about every time. Is she lying? Or is it just Renji who can't see this ‘Hana-chan’? If he had another friend, that question will be much easier to answer.

One click on a website, and boom! Renji can see Hana-chan. Is it a dream? Or is it reality? That website have to do something with this… But how?

[CHARACTERS]
A person with a beside her name is obtainable
* The chara pictures here are just sketches.
* I know some are bigger than others. I'll definitely fix that.
* I'll make Sakura's ribbon ligher to show she's in the 2nd year ._.

Ryuusaki Renji

Name - Ryuusaki Renji
Age - 17
Gender - ♂ male
Birthday - May 16
Description - Renji is the protagonist of the game. He's the laziest guy you could find in Prufille High, but he's surprisingly smart. He cannot make friends since forever, even with the help of Hanako, his childhood friend.
With her sister gone and two workaholic parents, Renji is quite responsible for his age, even though he relies on Hanako a lot.

Shinomi Sakura

Name - Shinomi Sakura
Age - 16
Gender - ♀ female
Birthday - May 16
Description - Sakura is the 'mysterious' girl that popped out from nowhere. She is the one whom Hanako calls ‘Hana-chan’.
With a positive mind and a cheerful daily life, she did mention some things about her 'dark' past.

Hiraoka Hanako

Name - Hiraoka Hanako
Age - 16
Gender - ♀ female
Birthday - November 28
Description - Hanako is Renji’s troublemaker childhood friend. She’s a troublemaker in Renji’s eyes, but she’s completely different in front of other people. She was the first one who can see ‘Hana-chan’.

Yanagi Yuri

Name - Yanagi Yuri
Age - 16
Gender - ♀ female
Birthday - July 15
Description - Yuri is the student council vice-president that hates uniforms. She never met Hanako before, but said that She has seen Sakura once.

Kamisaka Kiku
*image pending*
Description - Kiku is Hanako’s roommate. Most people thinks she’s creepy because of her smiles and the way she talks to herself. She can see Sakura a bit before Renji did.

[FEATURES]
• 5 obtainable girls (4 Romance) (1 Friednship)
• $0.00 FREE!
• Original Font
• Original Character Art

[PROGRESS]
1,234 screens of dialogue.
11,703 words
Average = 9.5 words
11 menus.

[gekiganwing]

Here are some questions and advice. Hopefully your game development and writing will go well.

First, I didn't find your character sprites to be appealing. But since I'm not good at criticizing art, I'm not entirely sure what you could do to improve them... Maybe someone else can offer suggestions.

Second, I wasn't entirely sure what to make of your story. Is "Hana-chan" a real person, or something different? How much of a role will this character have in your slice of life story?

Third, have you already done some research on ordinary life in current Japan? If not, be sure to do some informal research. At least a few people on this forum can probably help you in this regard.

Fourth, I tend to like BxG harem stories, and I sometimes enjoy fiction set in Japan. But do you have specific reasons for writing a slice of life story about one boy and several girls as romance options? And could your story work in another place or time?

Renji is the protagonist of the game. He's the laziest guy you could find in Prufille High...

I tried searching for the word 'Prufille,' but it does not appear to be a real word. The only coherent search result I found was the name of a street in Florida. Is this a made-up term?

Yuri is the student council vice-president that hates uniforms. She wars the uniform differently, but she’s such a good student she’s accepted in the student council...

In your setting, are school uniforms mandatory? If so, how much can people modify them?

Also, how much power does the student council have? You might want to research this. A lot of what is discussed in the Absurdly Powerful Student Council article is just fiction, but some of it is based on real life.

4 (maybe more) obtainable girls

Think about the scope of your story. How many romance endings do you want to create? Will there be bad endings or friendship endings? How long will each path be?

[tuna_sushi]

Thank you for those helpful comments,
I will try to fix everything when I have the chance.

[Nuxill]

Here are some questions and advice. Hopefully your game development and writing will go well.

First, I didn't find your character sprites to be appealing. But since I'm not good at criticizing art, I'm not entirely sure what you could do to improve them... Maybe someone else can offer suggestions.

Perhaps it's because none of the characters have noses?

I know these are just sketches but you might want to watch out since every character seems to be leaning to the left right now. Also a lot of the colors look 'out of the tube' so to say. A little to bright and saturated. You might want to desaturate the colors of the school uniforms a bit or make them neutral colors such as brown or a cool gray to give the eye a bit of a rest when looking at the sprites. Also you don't want to shade with black or just a slightly darker version of the base color. This tutorial deals with skintone but it works for other parts of the body as well: http://dredsina.tumblr.com/post/23436309191

I can't really comment on the story since I'm not into romance games that much and I don't know much about Japanese culture (you could basically write anything and I would believe it haha) but gekiganwing's suggestions are top notch and I hope you consider or have considered all of the points they made.

[FatUnicornGames]

For a first attempt it is looking really cute. I wanted to tell you though, on your VN site it says "Where Imagination and Reality Collides." I believe it should be Collide (singular). Before releasing anything I would try to find a good proofreader or editor to make sure that the text is clean.

[tuna_sushi]

For a first attempt it is looking really cute. I wanted to tell you though, on your VN site it says "Where Imagination and Reality Collides." I believe it should be Collide (singular). Before releasing anything I would try to find a good proofreader or editor to make sure that the text is clean.

Thanks for pointing that out!I am a bad english speaker...... OTZ
I'm a slow writer, so I'm going to get a/some proofreader(s) when I have a bit more text in my script.
But I'm not going to throw the whole script to them, of course.
I will probably get proofreader(s) this summer break when I have a lot of time doing VN stuff.