The Man and His Shell [knetic novel] [fantasy] [horror]

[Hikari Beldrich]

After a daring raid, a handful of spell casters called mystics belonging to the Mystic Community managed to corner and kill the dangerous Soul mystic Faylen Malic. In the aftermath of the raid, they discover that Malic had an apprentice and they quickly take her into custody. Suspecting that the apprentice may have been coerced into serving the soul magic practitioner, the Mystic Community takes the woman in, offering her asylum and a chance at a new life. The apprentice is silent for a a few weeks, but she finally provides her answer in the form of a letter.

That letter forms the basis for this story. As the Soul mystic's apprentice reveals the events in her life that shaped her into Faylen Malic's apprentice, the reader (standing in for a member of the Mystic Community) will find themselves witness to a tragic story of death, rejection, isolation, fear, but still the fragile seed of hope, as she recounts the story of the Man and His Shell.

A mix of fantasy and horror, this story is the longest addition I have made to my "Mystic Grimoire" series, now expanded by additional dialogue for a total of ~14,300 words by the latest lint check.

Progress: ~90%
Writing: 100%
Art: ~95%
Music: 100%
Coding: 90%
Sound: 100%
GUI: 0%

All material (minus a few creative commons 0 sounds effects) were created by me so the art and music aren't anything exceptional. I'm a writer first so what I'm going for is trying to use a new medium to tell some of my stories. I haven't touched the GUI yet, but I plan on doing something about it before the end. I expect I'll have this out in a week or so (so long as I can finish it before I move).

I'll throw some screenshots at the bottom of this post. I'll preface that by saying I have little experience with forums (can't even find where to add signatures on the ucp), so please be forgiving and if I make any forum etiquette mistakes please inform me so I can learn.

I plan on releasing a beta or demo soon (most of the game is already done) and when I do I'll be asking what you all think about my first attempt at creative a kinetic novel. I have written a number of short stories but this i my first real attempt at using renpy to adapt one into a visual novel. I'm not so worried about how my art or music turned out, as I feel I would try to work with actual artists or musicians if I tried to make another big work, but I'll take any comments you have about the art and music as well. More on that once I actually start releasing parts of the game though. Which will be soon. Like maybe tomorrow (no promises... but seriously).

Here goes nothing! I'm in your hands now!

###Edit###
Demo is up. Covers the first ~10% of the story. I'd like any opinions you have to offer on the nvl window, the music, characters, art, ect. But mostly I want to know if this feels like I've done enough to warrant trying to make this story into a visual novel. Again, this is all based of a short story I wrote which had next to no dialogue in it's original form. Most of the dialogue in this visual novel has been recently added, but there are a number of parts later in the story which fall into nvl mode while I copy the text from my original short story as it was.

I also consider myself a writer first, so any comments or honest criticism you have for my writing is welcome and appreciated.

[Amorphous]

Played your demo, here are some first impressions:

The premise is really interesting, and I like how quickly it ramped into action. Only issues I have with writing style so far is that it felt like the whole scene just rushed by -

there was barely any interaction with the friend before she died, and we don't get to really hear how it affected the main character beyond a few lines.

You did mention that you hadn't put in dialogue into the original short story, and right now, I can see that. Might want to work on transitions so that the dialogue and NVL parts flow more smoothly.

I like the note paper flashbacks, font geek in me is saying that the font is a little difficult to read. But that's a minor nitpick.

When it comes to adapting a story for VN, though, it's important to keep in mind that the visuals and music are there to enhance the story and the mood.

Going off what I said about the writing rushing by, having visual or sound effects can really change the impact. For instance, adding sprites or a scene for the parents finding the friend's dead body can show the chaos and emotion of the scene, and maybe some appropriately chaotic music can help create a mood there, etc. Changing sprite expressions, or sound effects can also help a lot too.

The reason I say that is that right now, the visuals and music seem to just be there, without much of a reason for being there. Hm...that sounded better in my head, basically what I'm saying is that this still sounds more like it's written for print than for a visual novel, as the elements don't mesh 100% yet.

The story is not a bad story by any means, though. It is pretty intriguing, and you cut off at a pretty teasing point. Nice work, and keep going.

[Hikari Beldrich]

Getting the pacing right has been a big challenge for me in all of my writing recently, and yes, the dialogue between Astrid and Elly was added only recently. I felt like I didn't want the scene to drag on for too long, but it's hard for me to gauge how the scene will be received, so thanks for the advice. In the original short story, that whole scene goes by very quickly. The bulk of the story is what comes after. But I might go back and add a bunch more dialogue as yes, I do already have the sprites and music I need (as much as I care to make at least, I don't think I'll be adding sprites for Elly's parents though.)

I picked the nvl font because it was the only one that gave a sort of 'hand written' feel, but ya I felt it was a little difficult to read as well.

As this is my first VN, learning how to use art and music (two things I rarely create myself) to enhance my story is the key challenge for me. I thank you for your advice.

As a final note, I'd add that I actually have pretty much all of the story done already. I'll probably put a link for the full version after I give the story another pass or two.

[Hikari Beldrich]

Update:

After making a few updates and a lot of edits, I am ready to post the full version. I'm just going to post it in the completed games section though because with my new job starting soon, and plenty of other projects still before me, I really don't have anymore time to work on it.

Here's the link to the full version in the completed games section:
http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 11&t=19006