Merula O wrote:
Nancie,
Oh, I’m so sorry if I sounded rude! Of course, I remember, and that’s why I mentioned you here
. If you don’t change your mind after playing the demo, I’ll be happy to work with you!
Looking forward to your review!
You worry way too much, I didn’t think it was rude at all I thought you were worried I had abandoned you
and I’d love to help out with anything you still need help on I’ll pm you with some contact info so don’t be afraid to hit me up if you need (or want) any help.
Merula O wrote:Wow, that strange feeling than you tried to make an otome game, but heroines are more likable than boys
I think we are supposed to like the mc but for some strange reason most writers try to stick to the nameless, faceless, and without any personality or ambition mc that is why everyone feels the need to comment big on how much they like her, so don’t worry it’s not a bad thing.
ShippoK wrote:-Dialog works if it's going for a non-serious story.
It feels very comedy-like with what some of the things the characters say.
I thought the same thing you are going for humorous romance right?
Anyway here goes –
Writing:
I’m not really sure what you are so concerned with, or what you did write that you thought was so poor. I’ll have to agree with this:
Doomzilla wrote:Lol, no really, I double checked the words that seemed weird and they do fit even if they're unusual choices. I kinda liked it, but it also wouldn't be too hard to fix if it bothers you.
But I’ll expand on it a bit more from my point of view:
Countess Seleste –
“What an importunate servant! Well, it’s not hard to tell, actually.”
The grammar and the words are all correct. When I read it though I had to look up the word importunate to make sure it was used correctly, it is not a word that I have seen before. For me at least it is a rather uncommon word and you may have been using it to demonstrate how snobby she was or as a speech pattern of an aristocrat but it feels rather unnecessary here, I might have said something like –
“What a nosey servant. “ or “What an insistent servant.”
But again it’s not wrong and I only found a couple of places like this most of the writing was quite understandable. You and your editor did quite well.
I did find a couple small things of note that might have slipped passed your proofread:
Drake intro –
??? – “Are you new in the city? Your clothes doesn’t look like a local’s.”
Should be – “Your clothes don’t look local.” Or “Your clothes don’t look like a local’s”
First choice –
Neyris talking to Till in the library – (choose Till)
“Just tired. My head don’t work as it should….”
Should be – “My head won’t work...” Or “My head just won’t work as it should...”
Choose Malik –
“No, I haven’t changed. It’s so sad that you don’t remember me. B-but even so, w-w-we can!... ugh… you know… we can became friends one more time! I believe it!” wrong tense – should be “become”
Lying in bed with Theo (choose go home)
“He woke up because of my voice. When Theo saw me, he get confused for a moment, but then frowned. His face became red at the same moment.” – Wrong tense should be “got”
The sentence structure is a little awkward here some rewording might help the flow –
“He woke up to the sound of my voice. He was confused for a moment when he saw me, but quickly frowned as his face suddenly reddened.”
In the alley at night (choose to go outside)
??? – “Thank you. Do like the way you live?”
Forgot a word – should be – “Do you like the way you live?”
Wilhelmine –
“If there are no some scary potions and suspicious things, I don’t mind either…”
Could be –
“If there are no scary potions or suspicious things laying around, I don’t mind either…”
“If there are not any scary potions or other suspicious things around, I don’t mind either…”
In the market place:
“I met such a nice auntie. I didn’t expect that at all.”
An auntie would be a relative so in this sentence it sounds odd. I would swap it for lady or merchant or something of the like.
“Oh, I forget about getting a present for Riki.” Wrong tense, should be “forgot”
Annett –
“W-why should I? CH-chairman, why don’t you call your army and don’t make them go away?!”
The second “don’t” should be removed – “… why don’t you call your army and make them go away?!”
Characters:
Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and very opinionated views of the characters. As I said before you can’t please everyone, so what I may like others won’t and vice versa.
Neyris:
What can I say I’ll have to agree with everyone else, she’s awesome! She has just the right mix of confidence and self-awareness. She’s not evil but she’s not an angel either. I find her inner turmoil commentary during romance scenes to be quite entertaining. The only thing I find that didn’t quite fit was that she would be so forward and adept at flirting and seduction if she was in fact a 300 year old virgin. You may touch on this later in the story I don’t know but that’s just my two cents.
Drake:
At first glance I didn’t really care for him, mostly appearance. Blond hair, blue eyed “lord of light” good guy. I tend to wait on pursuing this route, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much personality you gave him, his cute little quirks and his sly little flirty comments. I’m quite curious to see how his path will play out.
Malik:
I love the childhood friend route, but in this case something else was screaming as the prominent trait – So first let’s just say, shy I like … child I hate. I don’t mind a little innocence but with him I felt as if I was robbing the cradle … he may grow up a bit in later scenes but from what I saw he was just too young to pursue. That being said I did like the way he was able to completely disable Neyris’s defenses with the simple statement “You are really cute.” And her inner commentary during that scene, wow awesome work.
Theo:
This is usually the type character I pursue first, everyone one loves the tsundere (or at least I do) he is both attractive and likeable, he does not really like the mc to start off with so you’ll really have to work for him, and what I saw it looks like it will be a long road. I like that he is in a (sort of) submissive role so it won’t be constant abuse throughout the whole route. I do like that he has somewhat of a different backstory (hating magic even though he lives in “The” magical city of the realm) really looking forward to his path.
Riki:
He is cute I liked that his thought path was quite unique, I always find it fun to follow this path as the normal rules don’t apply when you make choices with him, you have to rely on what you think he will think. I always find that it takes a bit of skill to both write and follow this type character properly, but I have no doubt you’ll be able to pull it off. I can’t wait to find out the story behind his life. (though I have a pretty good Idea why they locked him in the catacombs …)
Freynir:
Self-righteous jerk. I’m pretty sure he’ll even be abusive, not really my thing. I love confidence, I really enjoy the sly wit and even sympathize with people who hate out of misinformation, but he just rubbed me the wrong way. Some of his statements were clever and arrogance was even endearing at one point but unless he shows some redeeming quality, very early in his path I may not bother. I did enjoy the nickname elk-man though.
Kuon:
Lets see he was completely 10 for 10 – came to save Neyris, put everyone in their places, told everyone they’d have to deal with him if the wronged her. Not only is he attractive but he has the brooding dark air about him too. He even built an army to protect and further his kind. He was perfect right up until Neyris told him “I see you as my brother not my uncle.” That was just a little too much for an intimate scene, not that it’s a bad thing to say it was just weird during the closeness of the scene, I’m not sure if that makes any sense.
Till:
I liked her at first but I didn’t really pay her much mind at first I did really love the way she seemed to know exactly what was going on with Neyris. Then when I say the flash back with till as a young boy… I spent the next few minutes trying to figure out what Neyris did to him to make him a her … I was pleasantly surprised by the answer. And that was where he became my favorite character, I’m really glad that he is a pursuable character. I love the whole demon role so again the rules apply a lot less between the two and that he is truly her childhood friend that knows everything about her. The banter that goes on with them is the most entertaining of all the characters. So yeah I really liked this one – (insert more gushing here)
???:
Well I guess the creeper name really suits him, he is attractive and quite mysterious. Neyris stopped to listen to him because something inside her told her it was ok, so if we are to believe she has good instincts then he must be ok right? I always find the mystery character appealing and this one is no different… so far.
Annett:
I don’t particularly like her but I do thing that her character is strong and well fleshed out, her actions and most of what she said made sense and fit the storyline very well. I was humored by her bad girl light mage backstory, but confused by her childishness and lack of worldly knowledge. For example the way she dealt with her accidental marriage, not that it was not entertaining, it just seemed a little out of place for the character that was painted.
Wilhelmine:
I like what I have seen of her so far she has just the right amount of innocence and ignorance for her age. Her motivations and willingness to trust seem right on for someone who has been sheltered from the world. I am glad that I did get to see a glimpse of her during the demo, so thanks for that.
Let’s see the blinking. I really didn't mind it, so I guess it’s just a personal preference? I wouldn't complain if you slowed it down but it didn't really seem all that distracting to me.
I did notice a few times when the narrator was speaking there would be an empty name box and other times no name box might want to look at the difference in definition of the two.
The music – I think free resources are fine and the music you have is probably ok, my only gripe is the main song that plays in most of the scenes is just a little too jittery? It is just a couple piano keys with maybe a couple base cords in the background. The song is not bad but it is just played for most of the demo and it got on my nerves after a bit. It is a minor thing and I seem to be the only one complaining so yeah, just thought I’d mention it.
)
* It’s not a style, it`s me being uneducated. English is not my first language and my editor is like super-polite and didn’t correct strange phrases 
. Original text was horrible, believe me. Editing my writing is a big work.