Hello!
I've been monitoring this project for a while now . . . I'm not sure when the demo was put up (probably ages ago, with my luck), but I just played through it and I'd like to leave feedback.
I wrote down notes as I was playing, so if it's all right, I'll start with those. They do not, by any means, cover every error/issue I found, but hopefully they'll provide a good starting place for corrections to the script:
Fun with homophones:
“beat red”
Beet.
“Suddenly, Vincent rushed passed me with a hoard of girls chasing after him.”
Past. Horde.
“I know that your probably attracted to other boys your age.”
You're.
Common problem # 1: Awkward phrasing.
“I chuckled from watching their conversation and Vincent turned to me and smiled once more.”
I feel this could be reworded so that the language is less choppy. (Possible rewrite: "Their conversation made me chuckle. Vincent turned to me and smiled once more.")
Common problem #2: Misused punctuation and capitalization.
“I want to deal with it later, would you do me a favor and . . .”
Be careful how you use commas. They are not a substitute for periods/full stops. As it is now, this is a run-on sentence. ("I want to deal with it later. Would you do me a favor and . . .?")
“By the way, would you mind if Vincent stayed for Dinner? He's here to help work on our Biology project.”
The nouns "dinner" and "biology" should not be capitalized.
“Just make sure the two of you get it done, so you can finish your other homework too.”
This one's tricky. It's technically not incorrect, but I feel the pause here is unnecessary.
“She physically hurt you, no parent has the right to harm their child like that.”
This is another run-on. ("She physically hurt you. No parent has the right to harm their child like that.")
The other problem here concerns the pronoun "their," but its usage here, while technically incorrect, is becoming more frequent in everyday language. Therefore, I'll leave it alone.
“If that's okay with the Valare's?”
The plural of Vincent's surname is "Valares." The apostrophe makes it into a possessive---one would use it to describe something of Vincent's. (ex. "That's Valare's textbook.")
“Is what I said, but it wasn't what I wanted to do . . . What if it takes to long and I wait for nothing?”
The first part of this quote is a sentence fragment. I realize you're moving directly from Idril's "I understand" into additional text, but it can be better expressed. (Possible rewrite: "That's what I said, but . . .")
"To" should also be "too." (Homophones again!)
“I rushed out of the room, and briskly walked, ignoring my stomach growling loudly. No one was in the hallways anymore, most of the students were now eating or enjoying the weather to match.”
Misused commas make these sentences really messy. And what's with the end of the second one? "To match" doesn't make sense. (Possible rewrite: "I rushed out of the room, ignoring my growling stomach. The hallways were empty. Most of the students were either eating or enjoying the weather.")
Common problem #3: Dangling modifiers / nebulous writing.
“I handed him my art binder, and he skimmed through the pages. Ignoring Brian's shouting from inside the gym. His eyes scanned the last page.”
Eyes cannot ignore. Furthermore, the second sentence is a fragment. (Possible rewrite: "I handed him my art binder and he scanned the pages, ignoring Brian's shouting from inside the gym.")
“I was in Vincent's room for the first time. It would've made me feel giddy on any other occasion, but tonight it felt hollow compared to the rest of my emotions.”
Being in Vincent's room is not an emotion. (Possible rewrite: "I was in Vincent's room for the first time. On any other occasion, I would've been giddy, but tonight, I felt hollow.")
“I stood around patiently, waiting for Alexander to finish up. Glancing around the desk, a shiny pencil holder catches my eye. Looking at my reflection, I noticed the bruise beginning to show back up. I turned my face away, in an attempt to hide the bruise.”
Another dangling modifier. The pencil holder can't glance around the desk. (Possible rewrite: "I waited patiently for Alexander to finish up. As I glanced at the desk, a shiny pencil holder caught my eye. I gasped. The bruise had reappeared! I turned my head, hoping he didn't see.")
Miscellaneous issues:
“Atali finished her last bite and went to the library, leaving Lily and I to protect our food from the vulture that was Alaska.”
"I" should be "me." This is quite a common mistake. People often over-correct when they see accusative case being used because they apply the nominative rule, used for subjects, ("she and I") to accusative case. It's used when a pronoun is a direct object. You wouldn't say "Atali left I to protect our food." You would use "me."
“Samson pushed the cart into the gym, while Brian's screaming echoed and bellowed through the halls.”
Bellowing is an action reserved for animate things like animals or people. Screams can't bellow. (Possible rewrite: "Samson pushed the cart into the gym as Brian's screams echoed through the halls.")
“He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small piece of paper. He quickly writes something down and hands it to me.”
This part is a problem for two reasons. First of all, it's in present tense. The rest of the text is in the immediate past tense. Secondly, there's far too much detail for a simple action. If it were more important to the narrative or characterization, one might use this level of detail, but this just adds clutter to the text. I'll cover this subject in more detail shortly.
General writing tips ("Show, don't tell," improving clarity, sentence structure, and other stuff):
“The victims have all been reported as confiding to members of family or friends . . .”
Why say "members of family" when "family members" serves the same purpose while being more concise?
("The victims reportedly confided to family members and friends that . . .")
“The bruise on my face was throbbing in pain with each of her words.”
This sentence's meaning is a little muddled. Its current structure implies that the words are causing physical pain, but the intended meaning is that the bruise is throbbing while Idril is hearing the words. (Possible rewrite: "The bruise on my face throbbed with pain in time with each word.")
“The smell of dinner had filled the entire house, causing my stomach to remind me that I haven't really eaten anything other than a few small bites at lunch before the huge scene.”
Show, don't tell. Less is usually more, especially for visual novels. Too much text on the screen at one time will break the reader's immersion, and too much unnecessary detail, generally speaking, just makes prose awkward to read!
(Possible rewrite: "The smell of dinner had filled the entire house. I was starving! I h
“He wrote down his phone number on a receipt he pulled out of his pocket and stuck it inside my folder, and he handed it back to me.”
Too many details again. This isn't a critical interaction---you want the focus to be on more important things.
(Possible rewrite: "He wrote down his number on an old receipt and stuck it inside my folder.")
“After a few moments of feeding my tummy, I noticed Lily staring adamantly at me, with a concerned look.”
I know Idril is supposed to be adorable, but no one over the age of five or six should speak like that. (Possible rewrite: "While I ate, I noticed Lily glancing with concern in my direction.")
“Unfortunately, our food and Alaska had disappeared.”
I think the sentence structure could be improved here. As it is now, it's awfully weak. The fact that Alaska has stolen the food should be made clear immediately. (Possible rewrite: "Unfortunately, Alaska had disappeared with our food.)
“I met Vincent at his locker, the light from the sunset landing on his face from the open doorway nearby.”
This needs to be cleaned up. It's too awkwardly composed. And don't be afraid to add a little description here! The sunset is hitting his face. Isn't that a lovely mental image? (Possible rewrite: "I met Vincent at his locker. The golden light streaming in from outside shone on his face.")
“My stomach gave me a painful reminder that Alaska ate my lunch.”
There's no need to dance around the issue. That darn Alaska stole her lunch, and now she's hungry!
“I got up, picking up my glasses as a force of habit, even though I didn't put them on.”
Again, be careful not to overdo the minute details. (Possible rewrite: "I rose, grabbing my glasses. I didn't put them on."
“His arms flew towards me and he pulled me into a tight embrace patting my head. After a few moments he lessened his grip and gently touched the bruise on my face.”
I saved this one for last because I can really hammer home my point about "show, don't tell." This is the money shot! You can get away with more detail here, but take care not to drown out the meaning of the prose.
(Possible rewrite: "Suddenly, he pulled me into a tight embrace and patted my head. After a few (glorious? precious? Pick an adjective!) moments, he lessened his grip and gently touched the bruise on my face.")
Okay! Now that the messy stuff is out of the way, here are my thoughts on the demo as a whole:
The project has a ton of potential, but it's going to need much more work. While the art assets, music, and vocal contributions are clearly top-notch, the writing needs serious polish. Beyond that, I urge you to consider how the game will be structured in terms of building and releasing dramatic tension. I'm . . . honestly not sure how to say this without hurting feelings, but by the time I reached the scene between Idril and her mother, I wasn't shocked. Thanks to Alaska's and James's temper tantrums (and that's putting it mildly), all the potential for later emotional payoff was squandered. If the two earlier scenes were dialed down a lot, the dramatic tension would be better built up, and the last one would have probably elicited a better reaction.
Instead of
threatening to hit someone with a chair
, Alaska could say a few choice words. James's reaction to Vincent and Idril's accidental kiss was pretty much a psychotic break. That is not a normal occurrence. I know Idril's
being abused by her mother
and has emotionally adapted to such behavior, but if I were her, I would be completely terrified of James from that point on. I'm surprised Vincent took that as well as he did, too. And James is supposed to be one of the "obtainables"? You have a very difficult task ahead of you. There's drama, and then there's the risk of glorifying abuse. A solid, trusting relationship between Idril and James, or between Idril and Alaska, should be a very, very difficult thing to achieve after that.
The scene with Brian also raised a few red flags for me. He's less volatile than either Alaska or James, but again, I feel he should not be so easily forgiven for his behavior.
Another thing to note is that Samson seems awfully forgiving of Idril even if the player chooses to use him as a scapegoat during the lunch scene. He has his brief flash of anger, but then it's gone, and he acts just as he does on the other "path." Is he meant to be a doormat, or is this an oversight?
I'm also curious to know where Idril's name is from---particularly her last name. (I recognize Idril from Tolkien lore.) Atali and Alaska have interesting names too, but Idril's last name, to be perfectly honest, sounds like something out of a high fantasy novel. I'm perfectly open to being incorrect. It's not necessarily a criticism; I'm just wondering what brought about the choice because it makes Idril stand out even more.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm fairly certain I've been working on this post for hours. Best of luck with the project!
The full game is planned to last around 6 months of in-game time, ending sometime in July. You'll get to play through the full second semester of the year, and some of Summer Break. 
)