Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religious)

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NoahSindri
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Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religious)

#1 Post by NoahSindri » Sun May 26, 2013 10:11 pm

Okay people this is my first VN and I am about to finish it, but I just didn't finish the art...
I will be thankful if you guys gave me some advices, the story I am making is pretty hard and twisted so I will need all the help I can get :D


Image


Story:

Relic, is a a high school girl from Siberia, above Mongolia, their country's main religion is shamanism, and her father was the king of the shaman in her region, after her father died, her mother got re-married to a man who is younger than her by ten years, after her mother's death, her step-father stopped looking at Relic as his wife's daughter, and wanted to marry her, and he tried to sexually abuse her, so she hit him hardly and entered in a conflict which lead to a disaster, she was transferred to a reformatory and found friends which share the same difficulties as her, when Relic becomes close to a character, she begins a complete new journey with him/her! Which is different according to each sub-character, but the main issue is, the whole country began to change their religion and kill their shaman monks, leading to a disaster in the country by which the increase of criminals, suicides, drugs taking and more and more things, so Relic must rescue her religion from disappearing.



Character:

Relic Daniess 17 :
A normal high school girl, energetic and has a heart of gold, she believes in her religion and will do anything to make the people believe in it also, along her journey she will meet new friends, can anyone of them be her love?

Berry 17 :
Relic's best friend from the reformatory, she is a maid that was brought to the reformatory instead of her friend, who stole a rare item from the master's house, and Berry took his place according to her will, she may share Relic adventure and may not

Svin 20 :
A mysterious redhead, his sister died in the reformatory and her death caused him to be offensive and addicted to drugs, he looks calm but he is always nervous, he is burning from the inside trying to take his sister's revenge

Alan Jaikan 20:

Andrew's older brother and son of a great killer called Jaikan, he is a quite gentleman who doesn't have a problem in anything, and he is amazingly smart, but no one dares talking to him because of his father, he killed many people only because of his father's will, he doesn't have a problem getting to know Relic even if that bothers his brother

Andrew Jaikan 17 :

Short-tempered, naive , silly, childish killer! He is a killing machine but with childish brain, imagine that problem! He hates girls because they scream when they are going to be killed, he hates their voices, but since his brother wants to get to know Relic he will try to accept her

Alex 19 :
An indian criminal who went to Siberia to find an old buisness man and kill him, he got caught and brought to the reformatory, he has one rule! Hit and Fit! Hit the opponent and fit him inside a bag....yeah he only uses his muscles.

Robin 18:

Young funny guy, always smiling, teacher's pet, helps the teachers and the cops all the time, not only teachers but enjoys helping everyone, he was brought in the reformatory because he tried to help an old lady cross the street but he pulled her strongly and fell and a car hit her, sad right?

Cop Zen:
Relic's neighbor who arrested her and put her in the reformatory, with time he will know that she is innocent and help her.


Progress (27/5/2013):
Story: 100%
Art: 5%
Music: 75%
Script: 70%
BG's: 0%
Sound: 0%

Screenshots soon (I hope) :)
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Last edited by NoahSindri on Mon May 27, 2013 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#2 Post by LliiraAnna » Mon May 27, 2013 1:08 am

Hm... The story sounds pretty complex. I like complex stories, but the writing must be very good in order to keep up the same level x)

Just an observation: the summary seems to be written in too long sentences, which does not look very pretty. It also can be hard to read, since by the end of the sentence you forget what was in the beginning, and looks like you wrote it in a hurry.

Btw what do you need help with?

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#3 Post by NoahSindri » Mon May 27, 2013 9:55 am

LliiraAnna wrote:Hm... The story sounds pretty complex. I like complex stories, but the writing must be very good in order to keep up the same level x)

Just an observation: the summary seems to be written in too long sentences, which does not look very pretty. It also can be hard to read, since by the end of the sentence you forget what was in the beginning, and looks like you wrote it in a hurry.

Btw what do you need help with?
You are right I was in a hurry because it was 4 am here and I wanted to sleep :D
I have a problem with all my (If statements), when -for example- I made a menu like this:

Code: Select all

menu:
     "Talk to Svin":
     "Do not talk to him":   
I want this menu to appear to the players ONLY if they met Svin in a previous event in the game, if they didn't the menu shouldn't appear, I tried everything but nothing seems to work :( And the menu appears in all cases

What should I do? :(

Also considering the music, I downloaded it from a free site but I can't add them to the game, what format should they be ?

The last thing is considering the -Talking menu- or whatever it's name, that menu which contains all the talking that appears to the player, that window at the bottom :D I want to customize it but I do not know how


Thanx for reading and offering your help :D
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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#4 Post by Anne » Mon May 27, 2013 12:51 pm

Shamanism is a very interesting theme. But your story seems to be set in the real world and that means it should stick to the facts.
For one, she as a minor would not be placed together with 18+ let alone males.
Where exactly in Siberia does it take place? Why are their names so uncharacteristic for the region?
The "killing shaman monks" story also doesn't seem plausible (basically because they don't have monks but there are other reasons as well)

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#5 Post by Haze » Mon May 27, 2013 2:59 pm

When Relic becomes close to a character, she begins a complete new journey with him/her!Which is different according to each sub-character
Wow, that sounds pretty cool! You have quite a few characters, and the MC can have a different journey with each one?! That caught my interest! :D

I noticed you had a couple questions, too.
I want this menu to appear to the players ONLY if they met Svin in a previous event in the game, if they didn't the menu shouldn't appear, I tried everything but nothing seems to work And the menu appears in all cases

What should I do?
You are going to have to define certain variables so your game can remember choices and have certain choices come up depending on if you talked to a certain character. You can read all about that here.
Considering the music, I downloaded it from a free site but I can't add them to the game, what format should they be?
The music should be a ogg, mp3, or wav(uncompressed PCM only) formats.
The last thing is considering the -Talking menu- or whatever it's name, that menu which contains all the talking that appears to the player, that window at the bottom I want to customize it but I do not know how
You're talking about the textbox, right? Aleema has a lovely tutorial right here.
My first completed visual novel, which is at 1.3, it's final version(woo hoo!): Monster Uses CPU 2
Finally at version 1.0: White Fog
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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#6 Post by NoahSindri » Mon May 27, 2013 8:12 pm

Anne wrote:Shamanism is a very interesting theme. But your story seems to be set in the real world and that means it should stick to the facts.
For one, she as a minor would not be placed together with 18+ let alone males.
Where exactly in Siberia does it take place? Why are their names so uncharacteristic for the region?
The "killing shaman monks" story also doesn't seem plausible (basically because they don't have monks but there are other reasons as well)
Yes it is in the real world and I already read about it pretty much
(For one, she as a minor would not be placed together with 18+ let alone males.) Sorry can't get your point :S
Considering the Siberian part, I included some details in the game considering the cities and the deserts it contain
About the names I couldn't find the language they actually talk in Siberia as well as names, but I am still looking for it hoping to find it.
From what I understood (Shaman) itself is a monk or a healer to be specific, I wrote monks to get easier to the point because many people may not get this easily

and thanx for your help :D

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#7 Post by NoahSindri » Tue May 28, 2013 8:32 am

Haze wrote:
When Relic becomes close to a character, she begins a complete new journey with him/her!Which is different according to each sub-character
Wow, that sounds pretty cool! You have quite a few characters, and the MC can have a different journey with each one?! That caught my interest! :D

I noticed you had a couple questions, too.
I want this menu to appear to the players ONLY if they met Svin in a previous event in the game, if they didn't the menu shouldn't appear, I tried everything but nothing seems to work And the menu appears in all cases

What should I do?
You are going to have to define certain variables so your game can remember choices and have certain choices come up depending on if you talked to a certain character. You can read all about that here.
Considering the music, I downloaded it from a free site but I can't add them to the game, what format should they be?
The music should be a ogg, mp3, or wav(uncompressed PCM only) formats.
The last thing is considering the -Talking menu- or whatever it's name, that menu which contains all the talking that appears to the player, that window at the bottom I want to customize it but I do not know how
You're talking about the textbox, right? Aleema has a lovely tutorial right here.



I am glad that you like the idea :D
But it is a very hard work so I need your support :D
Considering your answers to my questions I am very thankful, I learned to customize my textbox and it worked just fine :)
But I didn't try the two other ideas yet, I hope they work :)
Thanx again :D
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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#8 Post by Anne » Tue May 28, 2013 5:17 pm

NoahSindri wrote: (For one, she as a minor would not be placed together with 18+ let alone males.) Sorry can't get your point :S
I got the idea that she meets other characters in a reformatory. But those who are 18+ are considered adults and are put separately of those who are under 18 (Relic).
Edited2: By the way, I was wrong here, in case they commited crime when inder 18, convicts can stay in a reformatory until 21 years old, then / or earlier if they violate the order they are transferred into adult colonies. But still males and females separately.
NoahSindri wrote: Considering the Siberian part, I included some details in the game considering the cities and the deserts it contain
About the names I couldn't find the language they actually talk in Siberia as well as names, but I am still looking for it hoping to find it.
There are many peoples in Siberia, most of which have their own languages. So deciding on an exact place can help here. Or you can go with Russian (as it is a state language after all and surely the one they'd use in court / reformatory / school etc) and some common Russian names - though different peoples tend to have some names of their own that will by no means be strange.
NoahSindri wrote: From what I understood (Shaman) itself is a monk or a healer to be specific, I wrote monks to get easier to the point because many people may not get this easily


Shaman is a person to communicate with spirits. So it's a bit different from monk. Besides there are buddhists in Siberia who do have monks so that can lead to further misunderstandings.

Besides, I (though not an expert in any way) have a feeling that the "forgetting religion of their ancestors" story is pretty outdated nowadays. Like Soviet education and people moving from villages to big cities were a strong enough blow to traditional cultures. So now the trend seems to be the exact opposite and shamans are kinda in. Though I'm not too sure as to how many people are real believers.

Edited - I've made a little research - there are only 3 reformatories for girls in Russia, only one of which is in Siberia, namely in Tomsk. The other 2 are in Ryazan and Novy Oskol if you are interested.

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#9 Post by NoahSindri » Wed May 29, 2013 6:14 pm

I got the idea that she meets other characters in a reformatory. But those who are 18+ are considered adults and are put separately of those who are under 18 (Relic).
Edited2: By the way, I was wrong here, in case they commited crime when inder 18, convicts can stay in a reformatory until 21 years old, then / or earlier if they violate the order they are transferred into adult colonies. But still males and females separately.
Okay but I think there must be a little bit of imagination part, let's say that there are one reformatory that have two sections.
There are many peoples in Siberia, most of which have their own languages. So deciding on an exact place can help here. Or you can go with Russian (as it is a state language after all and surely the one they'd use in court / reformatory / school etc) and some common Russian names - though different peoples tend to have some names of their own that will by no means be strange.
Okay I changed a little bit in the names like Andrew -> Adrian / Robin -> Radomir , and I will use the russian language as the main language and include few expressions to create an atmosphere

Shaman is a person to communicate with spirits. So it's a bit different from monk. Besides there are buddhists in Siberia who do have monks so that can lead to further misunderstandings.
Okay I will say shaman only
Besides, I (though not an expert in any way) have a feeling that the "forgetting religion of their ancestors" story is pretty outdated nowadays. Like Soviet education and people moving from villages to big cities were a strong enough blow to traditional cultures. So now the trend seems to be the exact opposite and shamans are kinda in. Though I'm not too sure as to how many people are real believers.
Not a great problem, let's just assume that this is what happened
Edited - I've made a little research - there are only 3 reformatories for girls in Russia, only one of which is in Siberia, namely in Tomsk. The other 2 are in Ryazan and Novy Oskol if you are interested.
I really appreciate your help :D That part was like a bone stuck in my neck :D

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#10 Post by Anne » Wed May 29, 2013 9:02 pm

NoahSindri wrote: Okay I changed a little bit in the names like Andrew -> Adrian / Robin -> Radomir , and I will use the russian language as the main language and include few expressions to create an atmosphere
For Andrew I'd suggest Andrey (Adrian is definitely not Russian), now Radomir... hmm... it's an old name, so could be chosen by parents who want to name their child somewhat fancier.

Common (male) would include Sergey, Mikhail, Alexander, Aleksey.
For females you could use Tatiana and Maria (these are full names but they'd call each other Tanya and Masha if they are friends)
I can look up more national-specific ones if you want - like you could go with Khakassian (Khakassia is not too far from Tomsk and is a shamanism region)

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#11 Post by NoahSindri » Thu May 30, 2013 7:57 pm

Anne wrote:
NoahSindri wrote: Okay I changed a little bit in the names like Andrew -> Adrian / Robin -> Radomir , and I will use the russian language as the main language and include few expressions to create an atmosphere
For Andrew I'd suggest Andrey (Adrian is definitely not Russian), now Radomir... hmm... it's an old name, so could be chosen by parents who want to name their child somewhat fancier.

Common (male) would include Sergey, Mikhail, Alexander, Aleksey.
For females you could use Tatiana and Maria (these are full names but they'd call each other Tanya and Masha if they are friends)
I can look up more national-specific ones if you want - like you could go with Khakassian (Khakassia is not too far from Tomsk and is a shamanism region)

Alex's full name is Alexander, and I looked for Adrian and many sites said it was russian
A very small question :D Can you draw sprites?

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#12 Post by Anne » Thu May 30, 2013 8:49 pm

Ok, they list it in census reports, so there has to be at least one Adrian somewhere in Russia, but it still is EXTREMELY rare.
NoahSindri wrote: A very small question :D Can you draw sprites?
I've done one for test purposes. Why?

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#13 Post by NoahSindri » Fri May 31, 2013 9:30 am

Anne wrote:Ok, they list it in census reports, so there has to be at least one Adrian somewhere in Russia, but it still is EXTREMELY rare.
NoahSindri wrote: A very small question :D Can you draw sprites?
I've done one for test purposes. Why?

Umm I will be glad if you could help me draw the sprites

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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#14 Post by NoahSindri » Thu Jun 06, 2013 6:52 am

The sketches of Relic and Berry! ^^
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Re: Truculence (GxB) (Otome, Mystical, Adventurous, Religiou

#15 Post by khfan12 » Thu Jul 11, 2013 1:18 am

Honestly Noah, the more I hear about this VN, the more I want to try it/see what the final product looks like.
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