Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] Kickstarter, Early Access!
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- Mad Harlequin
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
One more thing I forgot:
At some point in his conversation with Yu, Nobu uses the word "valiantly," except it's misspelled in the text as "valiently," and Yu corrects him. But that's pronounced exactly the same as the actual word---there would be no need for a correction unless they were passing written notes.
The next time Nobu slurs his speech, the word in question is appropriately mispronounced. (I forget what it is off the top of my head.)
At some point in his conversation with Yu, Nobu uses the word "valiantly," except it's misspelled in the text as "valiently," and Yu corrects him. But that's pronounced exactly the same as the actual word---there would be no need for a correction unless they were passing written notes.
The next time Nobu slurs his speech, the word in question is appropriately mispronounced. (I forget what it is off the top of my head.)
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
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- ktalkimist
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Gonna give it a few more hours before releasing the demo in other places. We take all the feedback we receive very seriously, so if you've found anything else that needs fixing or just want to share what you think of the demo, please do let us know!
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Btw, can you specify the typos and missing words you're referring to? Typos are much easier to hunt down but we can't seem to find any. Finding missing words will take a bit more scrutiny, but we must have cleared most of them already.Mad Harlequin wrote:
I noticed your garden variety typos, missing words, and grammatical problems, but two things in particular have me worried. The text often switched tenses, as shown here:
- Mad Harlequin
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Here are a few examples. (Please note that I did not write down every single line of text. I sure felt as if I did, though. )
"The witnesses' muted reactions didn't come from a lack of sympathy, Yu reasoned. They were the natural product of self-preservation. It was clear that such incidents occurred frequently."
I realize I've changed how Haru (I think this is Haru) says "your" when drunk, but this is for clarity's sake. "'Ya" could be mistaken for another word.
"In other words, you're a cockroach."
"What?"
"Cockroaches are good at hiding. That's why they survived the apocalypse."
Alternatively, you could rewrite the sentence this way and still keep "motto."
"Prey on the weak and desperate." That's always been Sanctus's motto, right?"
Bonus suggested corrections 'cause I feel like it:
I'm pretty sure this is what the sentence is implying, but maybe you should use the actual term.
This isn't a missing word, but "from" should be "for."“No amount of anticipation could prepare us from what transpired on that fateful day.”
"How am I supposed to know what the damn code is?"“How am I supposed what the damn code is?”
You could add "free" after hammer and have this sentence make sense, but it seems awfully hokey. May I suggest "Now I can get that hammer" instead?“Now that hammer is for the taking.”
No missing words here. But it sounds like whoever says this (I think it's Yu) is channeling The Riddler and failing. It should just be "Then humor me."“Then humor me this . . .”
Wait, what? What does Eiji think Yu is? Tell us, Eiji! Tell us! (I assume the missing word is "better."“I thought you were than that. Don't disappoint me.”
This one's not a case of missing words either, but you don't want to use "ain't" here. I think this is Haru speaking, if I remember correctly, and he's drunk, so you'll want to use "don't" to be slangy and coarse, etc.“Makes sense, ain't it?”
"Breathe" should be "breath." But the whole sentence is so awkward that you should consider rephrasing it.“Highlighted were the joyous moments he spent with his sister and the rest of their friends before he exhaled his last breathe.”
"Incident" should be "incidents." This is another sentence that ought to be rewritten, though. Try something like this:“The witnesses' reaction did not strike Yu as a lack of sympathy. It was clear that such incident occurred frequently.”
"The witnesses' muted reactions didn't come from a lack of sympathy, Yu reasoned. They were the natural product of self-preservation. It was clear that such incidents occurred frequently."
"On" is unnecessary and should be removed.“No point in contemplating on that now.”
"In" is also unnecessary.“Just trying to find a place to sleep in.”
This one came from Nobu's profile. It should be "difficulties.""diffuculties"
This isn't related to missing words or typos, but I thought I should mention it since I'm looking through my notes anyway. "Between Darla and me," not "Darla and I."“Oh, you mean Darla? It's a long love story between Darla and I.”
No missing words here. But "practical" should be "practicality."“I'd take pride over practical any day.”
"Eiji's a good guy, yeah? He might seem grumpy an' all, but he's got a soft heart."“Eiji's a good guy, ya? He might seem grumpy an' all, but he got a soft heart.”
"Heard a bunch o' yer Durchhalten buds were pretty young."“Hear bunch of 'ya Durchhalten buds were pretty young.”
I realize I've changed how Haru (I think this is Haru) says "your" when drunk, but this is for clarity's sake. "'Ya" could be mistaken for another word.
Expertise is a funny word . . . I'm not sure if it can be used this way. It's usually connected to a prepositional phrase or another noun. I think it can technically be used correctly this way, but it sounds stilted. You could rewrite the sentence and make room for a quick gag, too:“In other words, hiding is your expertise. That's the very reason why cockroaches survived the apocalypse.”
"In other words, you're a cockroach."
"What?"
"Cockroaches are good at hiding. That's why they survived the apocalypse."
"Of" should be "or."“These days, Herders moonlight as requisition officers of meat shields.”
That's actually not a motto---not as the sentence is currently written, anyway. A motto is a short sentence or phrase that defines a principle, goal, or ideal. But "MO"---modus operandi---would fit here. In addition, Sanctus is a singular group, so it should take the singular possessive: "Sanctus's."“Preying on the weak and desperate has always been Sanctus' motto, right?”
Alternatively, you could rewrite the sentence this way and still keep "motto."
"Prey on the weak and desperate." That's always been Sanctus's motto, right?"
There are no missing words here, but I suggest a rewrite: "Did I miss something? Are nomad groups in fashion again?"“Did I miss anything and nomad groups are in fashion again?”
Discernible. But please, for the love of heaven, don't use this sentence---it's too cheesy even for Mickey Mouse!“Like an otherworldly metaphor, they latch onto my psyche for no discernable reason.”
Whoa.“Woah, take it easy old man.”
"You either die trying to secure a place or because you're left behind."“You either die trying to secure a place or be left behind.”
Bonus suggested corrections 'cause I feel like it:
"If they do not assimilate, the smaller groups are fucked."“When they are not assimilated, the smaller groups are fucked with.”
"We're both wasting our time."“We are both losing our time to waste.”
I forget if I mentioned this already, but snakes molt to grow, not lose weight.“It's not like they shredded skin like a snake to lose weight.”
I'm pretty sure this is what the sentence is implying, but maybe you should use the actual term.
Last edited by Mad Harlequin on Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain
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- ktalkimist
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
That is so strange. Skimming through them quickly, many of these missing words should not be missing (e.g. "How am I supposed to know what the damn code is?", “I thought you were than that. Don't disappoint me.”). Definitely gotta get our programmer on this!
EDIT: Now I know what's going on. These should be fixed in no time. Thanks a lot! Feel free to snipe some more errors as you find them.
EDIT: Now I know what's going on. These should be fixed in no time. Thanks a lot! Feel free to snipe some more errors as you find them.
- Mad Harlequin
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Oh, I finished the demo long ago, but I'm certainly happy to play through it again just to make sure everything's shipshape.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain
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- flaminghippo
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Jesus, this demo is freaking awesome. The GUI and graphics are incredible.
My hubby's pretty amazing.
My hubby's pretty amazing.
- ktalkimist
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
With you as my muse, I can climb the mountains of Mars!
- ktalkimist
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
One final bump before we release the demo in other places. If you've tried it, please do share your thoughts about what we have so far.
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
I know Japanese songs are more popular, but what do you think of this? https://soundcloud.com/exogenesis-game/ ... nsert-song
Last edited by ktalkimist on Sun Mar 23, 2014 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Hmm, can you name a popular VN which uses English instead of Japanese songs?pickle131 wrote:Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
I don't know of any VN right away (other than some on Lemmasoft that seem to be doing pretty well), but there are a number of anime that use English themes and are some of the most popular ones out there.ktalkimist wrote:Hmm, can you name a popular VN which uses English instead of Japanese songs?pickle131 wrote:Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
- Mad Harlequin
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
This is pretty decent---it's an appropriately upbeat, fast-paced song. The vocals were a bit difficult for me to understand at first, but that problem resolved itself by the end.ktalkimist wrote:I know Japanese songs are more popular, but what do you think of this? https://soundcloud.com/exogenesis-game/ ... nsert-song
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain
— Mark Twain
- ktalkimist
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED
Would you buy an Exogenesis t-shirt?
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