Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] Kickstarter, Early Access!

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Mad Harlequin
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#106 Post by Mad Harlequin » Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:01 am

One more thing I forgot:

At some point in his conversation with Yu, Nobu uses the word "valiantly," except it's misspelled in the text as "valiently," and Yu corrects him. But that's pronounced exactly the same as the actual word---there would be no need for a correction unless they were passing written notes.

The next time Nobu slurs his speech, the word in question is appropriately mispronounced. (I forget what it is off the top of my head.)
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#107 Post by ktalkimist » Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:32 am

Gonna give it a few more hours before releasing the demo in other places. We take all the feedback we receive very seriously, so if you've found anything else that needs fixing or just want to share what you think of the demo, please do let us know! :)

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#108 Post by ktalkimist » Thu Feb 27, 2014 12:32 pm

Mad Harlequin wrote:
I noticed your garden variety typos, missing words, and grammatical problems, but two things in particular have me worried. The text often switched tenses, as shown here:
Btw, can you specify the typos and missing words you're referring to? Typos are much easier to hunt down but we can't seem to find any. Finding missing words will take a bit more scrutiny, but we must have cleared most of them already. :D

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#109 Post by Mad Harlequin » Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:06 pm

Here are a few examples. (Please note that I did not write down every single line of text. I sure felt as if I did, though. :lol:)
“No amount of anticipation could prepare us from what transpired on that fateful day.”
This isn't a missing word, but "from" should be "for."
“How am I supposed what the damn code is?”
"How am I supposed to know what the damn code is?"
“Now that hammer is for the taking.”
You could add "free" after hammer and have this sentence make sense, but it seems awfully hokey. May I suggest "Now I can get that hammer" instead?
“Then humor me this . . .”
No missing words here. But it sounds like whoever says this (I think it's Yu) is channeling The Riddler and failing. It should just be "Then humor me."
“I thought you were than that. Don't disappoint me.”
Wait, what? What does Eiji think Yu is? Tell us, Eiji! Tell us! :shock: (I assume the missing word is "better."
“Makes sense, ain't it?”
This one's not a case of missing words either, but you don't want to use "ain't" here. I think this is Haru speaking, if I remember correctly, and he's drunk, so you'll want to use "don't" to be slangy and coarse, etc.
“Highlighted were the joyous moments he spent with his sister and the rest of their friends before he exhaled his last breathe.”
"Breathe" should be "breath." But the whole sentence is so awkward that you should consider rephrasing it.
“The witnesses' reaction did not strike Yu as a lack of sympathy. It was clear that such incident occurred frequently.”
"Incident" should be "incidents." This is another sentence that ought to be rewritten, though. Try something like this:

"The witnesses' muted reactions didn't come from a lack of sympathy, Yu reasoned. They were the natural product of self-preservation. It was clear that such incidents occurred frequently."
“No point in contemplating on that now.”
"On" is unnecessary and should be removed.
“Just trying to find a place to sleep in.”
"In" is also unnecessary.
"diffuculties"
This one came from Nobu's profile. It should be "difficulties."
“Oh, you mean Darla? It's a long love story between Darla and I.”
This isn't related to missing words or typos, but I thought I should mention it since I'm looking through my notes anyway. "Between Darla and me," not "Darla and I."
“I'd take pride over practical any day.”
No missing words here. But "practical" should be "practicality."
“Eiji's a good guy, ya? He might seem grumpy an' all, but he got a soft heart.”
"Eiji's a good guy, yeah? He might seem grumpy an' all, but he's got a soft heart."
“Hear bunch of 'ya Durchhalten buds were pretty young.”
"Heard a bunch o' yer Durchhalten buds were pretty young."

I realize I've changed how Haru (I think this is Haru) says "your" when drunk, but this is for clarity's sake. "'Ya" could be mistaken for another word.
“In other words, hiding is your expertise. That's the very reason why cockroaches survived the apocalypse.”
Expertise is a funny word . . . I'm not sure if it can be used this way. It's usually connected to a prepositional phrase or another noun. I think it can technically be used correctly this way, but it sounds stilted. You could rewrite the sentence and make room for a quick gag, too:

"In other words, you're a cockroach."

"What?"

"Cockroaches are good at hiding. That's why they survived the apocalypse."
“These days, Herders moonlight as requisition officers of meat shields.”
"Of" should be "or."
“Preying on the weak and desperate has always been Sanctus' motto, right?”
That's actually not a motto---not as the sentence is currently written, anyway. A motto is a short sentence or phrase that defines a principle, goal, or ideal. But "MO"---modus operandi---would fit here. In addition, Sanctus is a singular group, so it should take the singular possessive: "Sanctus's."

Alternatively, you could rewrite the sentence this way and still keep "motto."

"Prey on the weak and desperate." That's always been Sanctus's motto, right?"
“Did I miss anything and nomad groups are in fashion again?”
There are no missing words here, but I suggest a rewrite: "Did I miss something? Are nomad groups in fashion again?"
“Like an otherworldly metaphor, they latch onto my psyche for no discernable reason.”
Discernible. But please, for the love of heaven, don't use this sentence---it's too cheesy even for Mickey Mouse!
“Woah, take it easy old man.”
Whoa.
“You either die trying to secure a place or be left behind.”
"You either die trying to secure a place or because you're left behind."

Bonus suggested corrections 'cause I feel like it:
“When they are not assimilated, the smaller groups are fucked with.”
"If they do not assimilate, the smaller groups are fucked."
“We are both losing our time to waste.”
"We're both wasting our time."
“It's not like they shredded skin like a snake to lose weight.”
I forget if I mentioned this already, but snakes molt to grow, not lose weight. :lol:

I'm pretty sure this is what the sentence is implying, but maybe you should use the actual term.
Last edited by Mad Harlequin on Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#110 Post by ktalkimist » Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:46 pm

That is so strange. Skimming through them quickly, many of these missing words should not be missing (e.g. "How am I supposed to know what the damn code is?", “I thought you were than that. Don't disappoint me.”). Definitely gotta get our programmer on this!

EDIT: Now I know what's going on. :lol: These should be fixed in no time. Thanks a lot! Feel free to snipe some more errors as you find them. :D

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#111 Post by Mad Harlequin » Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:01 pm

Oh, I finished the demo long ago, but I'm certainly happy to play through it again just to make sure everything's shipshape. :D
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#112 Post by flaminghippo » Sat Mar 01, 2014 5:30 am

Jesus, this demo is freaking awesome. The GUI and graphics are incredible.

My hubby's pretty amazing.

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#113 Post by ktalkimist » Sun Mar 02, 2014 2:56 am

With you as my muse, I can climb the mountains of Mars!

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#114 Post by ktalkimist » Tue Mar 04, 2014 10:50 am

One final bump before we release the demo in other places. If you've tried it, please do share your thoughts about what we have so far. :)

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#115 Post by ktalkimist » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:17 am

I know Japanese songs are more popular, but what do you think of this? https://soundcloud.com/exogenesis-game/ ... nsert-song
Last edited by ktalkimist on Sun Mar 23, 2014 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#116 Post by pickle131 » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:08 am

Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#117 Post by ktalkimist » Sun Mar 23, 2014 2:00 am

pickle131 wrote:Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
Hmm, can you name a popular VN which uses English instead of Japanese songs?

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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#118 Post by pickle131 » Sun Mar 23, 2014 8:59 am

ktalkimist wrote:
pickle131 wrote:Japanese songs aren't necessarily more popular, I know some people who highly dislike them in English visual novels XD I think it sounds good! The balance seems a bit off at times though, with the main vocals (and especially backup vocals) being a bit too loud. I'm awful at balance though, so that might just be me XD
Hmm, can you name a popular VN which uses English instead of Japanese songs?
I don't know of any VN right away (other than some on Lemmasoft that seem to be doing pretty well), but there are a number of anime that use English themes and are some of the most popular ones out there.
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Re: Exogenesis - Perils of Rebirth [post-apoc] DEMO RELEASED

#119 Post by Mad Harlequin » Sun Mar 23, 2014 11:21 am

ktalkimist wrote:I know Japanese songs are more popular, but what do you think of this? https://soundcloud.com/exogenesis-game/ ... nsert-song
This is pretty decent---it's an appropriately upbeat, fast-paced song. The vocals were a bit difficult for me to understand at first, but that problem resolved itself by the end.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain


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