Orion [Sci-Fi] (Steam)

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Mad Harlequin
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#16 Post by Mad Harlequin » Tue Sep 02, 2014 11:58 pm

I just played through the demo and I have quite a bit to say. But I'll be writing all that tomorrow. Watch this space!

EDIT:

Well, the art's lovely and the actors are quite good, but honestly, the writing needs serious work. The biggest problem to me at this point is characterization.

Sam states repeatedly that he's not worthy of his brother's love and protection, or of Cyrus's friendship. But why does he feel this way? He doesn't seem to have especially low self-esteem. For that reason, his constant self-deprecation sounds rather hollow.

The Kaitos twins bored me. So far they're just your everyday school bullies. They're supposed to be geniuses or something, but they didn't get a chance to do anything but be awful to Sam. I understand that that might be your intention for this portion, though.
Cyrus . . . hmm. Cyrus isn't a particularly convincing villain. He's been good to Sam all this time and there's absolutely no foreshadowing of who or what he really is. He spent half his reveal laughing and being an asshole. Right now, he's got all the character depth of Snidely Whiplash.
Louca probably seemed the most "real" to me: unlike the other major characters mentioned here, he wasn't a caricature. I don't know enough about the rest of the cast at this time to make a judgment call.

Your second biggest problem is tense: pick one and stick with it.

Thirdly, don't abuse letters or punctuation. This may have happened because you wrote the dialogue so that the voice talent could best understand the emotions needed in each line, but generally speaking, you don't need every emphasized word to be in all caps or stretched out like thiiiiiiis. A skilled actor (and reader) will be able to determine a character's tone of voice and intent if the writing is strong. And use interrobangs sparingly. I'm begging you.

You can see my full list of suggestions via the link below. (Note: I decided to go with present tense since that dominated the majority of the script, but you may want to choose differently.)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CEJ ... jHdiM/edit
Last edited by Mad Harlequin on Wed Sep 03, 2014 4:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#17 Post by pickle131 » Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:25 am

- posts and subscribes to remind myself to play the demo on the weekend -
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#18 Post by ReubenLack » Wed Sep 03, 2014 11:39 am

We're just at half-way to our initial goal and we have about 20 days left!

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#19 Post by Rinima » Wed Sep 03, 2014 2:56 pm

F*uck. I just typed out a really nice long review and LS ate it ;~;
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#20 Post by Rinima » Wed Sep 03, 2014 3:38 pm

Right! Retype! But it'll be quick, and not as well written as before.

Good things:
- Music is stunning and fitting.
- The art is good, the sprites and CG's are brilliant, the bg's are nice.
- Writing in general is good enough that I want to continue reading.
- Captivating story
- GUI is clean and professional, which is good!

Now. The things I was unsure of.
1. Sam and Luoca's relationship. I realllllly hope it developes belong what it is, cause at the moment, it makes me think of a 9 year old with a sibling 20 years older. Which seems really odd when Sam is 16. I feel like Luoca has no respect for Sam and maybe babies him a bit to much. Speaking as a older sibling, I wouldn't dare talk to my brother the way he does to Sam, simply cause I respect him (also, nightmares are nightmares, since when are they such a big problem? Dreams are dreams. And what's the deal with walking him home? He's 16, not 6.). Incase you didn't notice, I didn't like Luoca much XD
2. The bullying scene actually just makes me think of fan-fiction, the bullies bore me, and it seems a little unrealistic considering their ages. Maybe this is a cultural gap showing, but that sort of stuff dies out at the age of 14/15. But again, it may be different where you are so.
3.
The spot where Cyrus is revealed as evil. I know it was ment to come as a shock ect, but the thing is, for that sort of thing to work, you actually have to be attachecd to the character first, and I didn't feel we got to know enough about him before the end.
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading, and I wish you luck with the kickstarter!
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#21 Post by ReubenLack » Wed Sep 03, 2014 5:08 pm

Thanks for the review! Your feedback will definitely help us in the full game if we're able to be Kickstarted over the next few weeks!

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#22 Post by ReubenLack » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:54 pm

Hey guys! We're now half-way of our $5,000 goal! We still need your continued support so please, take our demo for a spin. :)

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#23 Post by LadyOfGatsby » Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:04 pm

This looks amazing, I will definitely try it out soon!
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#24 Post by ReubenLack » Sat Sep 06, 2014 12:35 pm

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We're wowed by your incredible support for Orion!

In less than ten days, we've raised half our goal for the Kickstarter! On behalf of the entire Orion team, thank you! We'll still need to keep the momentum going so we're able to raise what we need, but you've given us a solid start.

18 days to go and things are looking great! Check out the demo if you haven't yet!

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#25 Post by Rosstin » Sat Sep 06, 2014 1:27 pm

Backed it. :-)
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#26 Post by ReubenLack » Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:47 pm

We're half-way through the Kickstarter and we still need your support!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/65 ... sual-novel

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#27 Post by Katta » Mon Sep 08, 2014 3:49 pm

Yay to a sci-fi project!
I agree that the music is very nice, but when it's on some sounds (like phone calls) are barely audible even with them at max and music tuned down. I like that MC is also voiced, though I can't say I like the VA in general.

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter)

#28 Post by ReubenLack » Sun Sep 14, 2014 4:13 pm

Only ten days left in the kickstarter!

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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter) [10 DAYS LEFT]

#29 Post by ReaLciciLia » Wed Sep 17, 2014 7:28 am

Sci-fi? Cool! <3
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Re: Orion [Sci-Fi] (Kickstarter) [3 DAYS LEFT]

#30 Post by ReubenLack » Sun Sep 21, 2014 5:18 pm

Only a few days left!

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