Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

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RoseBug
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Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#1 Post by RoseBug » Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:44 pm

Image

The Story

Jane Cymru has a secret. Normally, she is a practical, sarcastic, kind, down-to-earth girl. But she has another side to her. It is a dark side, a twisted side, a side she must hide from the human world. She is…a fangirl. And her fandom? The infamous Sundown saga, called by some the worst books ever written, and by teenage girls the best. She is aware that the books are poorly written, but she can’t help loving them. The books are a supernatural romance epic about werewolves. But not the werewolves of legend, no. These werewolves are beautiful, magical, immortal spirit warriors who are completely in control of their own powers. For years, Jane has longed to be one, to have a mystical secret, to be perfect like the books’ protagonist Eleanor Snow’s lover Edmond Collins.

And then, on the night of the full moon, a monstrous wolf attacks–and bites–Jane. She wakes up in the hospital, only to have her father explain to her that werewolves are real and monstrous, that he is the head of a group called the Hunters tasked with extinguishing them, and that she is now one of them.

Can Jane survive the changes going through her body, all while walking on thin ice with the Hunters? No. At least, not alone.

What will she face in the next month before the full moon? A coup and a liar? An ancient prophecy and a betrayal? A dark revelation about a childhood friend? A hunt for the cure? Or love triangles? You decide.

The Main Characters

Jane Cymru

“Oh God, save us from the perils of road rage! You seriously think traffic can make me go into some kind of werewolf-anger-frenzy?”

Image

Jane may be a Sundown fangirl, but she's not stupid. She has a wry sense of humor and okay grades (except in math, but really who cares?). At heart, she's a writer: imaginative, creative, and good with words (though she does get tongue-tied when talking sometimes). Even at eighteen, she's never been in love, unless you count fictional characters, which strangely most people don't. She may have a sharp tongue, but she also has a good heart.

Voiced by Miss Shellah (https://www.youtube.com/user/xShellah)

Robb Sayer

"You’re right. You grew up. I can’t take credit for your mistakes. But I can help you deal with the consequences."

Image

Robb is Jane's childhood friend and has been completely in love with her for years. He seems like an optimistic, happy type of guy, but inwardly he's depressed and living in the past. Despite that, he's kind and smart and would do anything for those he loves.

Morgan Cairn

"Calm down before you start making conspiracy theories. This is how I am."

Image

Morgan is the werewolf hunter assigned to keep Jane from killing anyone. He's a sort of playboy (though he doesn't try to hurt people intentionally), and he can quickly vacillate between charming and surly. He's never had normal relationships, never had any sort of normal life in fact, but he's managed to stay sane.

Emyr Blaidd

"I’m not in danger, Jane. Danger…implies there’s a chance of escape."

Image

Emyr is the prince of the organized werewolves. Despite that, he is kind and shy and self-conscious. This is due to the fact that he has a manipulative little brother who claims most of the attention. Emyr's used to being lonely.

Aspen Blackwood

"I’m not going to murder your father, Jane. I’m going to run from him, for the rest of my life. And if he catches me, then it won’t be murder when I kill him; it will be self-defense."

[No picture yet]

Aspen is the werewolf who bit Jane. He spent the more recent half of his life in a cage being experimented on by the hunters. Obviously, therefore, he's a bit bitter and cynical. But he still remembers the life he had before he himself was changed and captured, and that--only that--keeps him alive.

Questions

1) What do you think of the story?
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?

Thanks for reading!

Beautiful artwork by: Alera (http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/member ... ile&u=4975)
Beautiful logo by: Hijiri (http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/member ... le&u=15410)
Link to Blog: http://sundownavisualnovel.org/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/HeartstringsVNs
Voice Acting Auditions: https://castingcall.club/projects/sundo ... a5267b0142

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#2 Post by Ran08 » Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:28 pm

1) What do you think of the story?
I think it's a nice idea! :) I know it says it's a supernatural VN, but from reading the summary, I get that it could also be comedy-ish? Anyway, whatever genre it might be, it sounds like it would be a lot of fun to read. :)
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
Oh, I just love them. <3 My favorite has got to be Morgan. Aside from the fact that I think he looks so adorably cute, I also like the idea of a werewolf hunter being assigned to me. Does that mean he'll have to stay beside me all the time? *squeals in a very teen-like manner* I don't have a least favorite character, though, as they all seem pretty interesting to me (and it's just not my habit to have a least favorite character in any story). =)
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
If I could, well, I suppose not yet at this point, but that's because only a little has been done. :) (I think KS backers would like to see at least a little more-- of art, perhaps-- before supporting a certain project.)
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?
I already like the premise, so I think this would be quite interesting to play! Will be looking out for this in the future, haha. Good luck!

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#3 Post by RoseBug » Tue Oct 27, 2015 11:55 pm

Ran08 wrote:1) What do you think of the story?
I think it's a nice idea! :) I know it says it's a supernatural VN, but from reading the summary, I get that it could also be comedy-ish? Anyway, whatever genre it might be, it sounds like it would be a lot of fun to read. :)
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
Oh, I just love them. <3 My favorite has got to be Morgan. Aside from the fact that I think he looks so adorably cute, I also like the idea of a werewolf hunter being assigned to me. Does that mean he'll have to stay beside me all the time? *squeals in a very teen-like manner* I don't have a least favorite character, though, as they all seem pretty interesting to me (and it's just not my habit to have a least favorite character in any story). =)
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
If I could, well, I suppose not yet at this point, but that's because only a little has been done. :) (I think KS backers would like to see at least a little more-- of art, perhaps-- before supporting a certain project.)
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?
I already like the premise, so I think this would be quite interesting to play! Will be looking out for this in the future, haha. Good luck!
Thanks so much for your input :) It does have parody/humor but it can also be dark.

I'll keep that in mind about the Kickstarter--get a little bit more to show for the game before I try to fund it. What would you suggest I get more of before starting? BG art? More character art (Aspen's on his way, but what about side characters)? GUI? I also have a theme song, but I wasn't sure how to post that here :lol:

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#4 Post by Ran08 » Wed Oct 28, 2015 3:13 am

RoseBug wrote:Thanks so much for your input :) It does have parody/humor but it can also be dark.

I'll keep that in mind about the Kickstarter--get a little bit more to show for the game before I try to fund it. What would you suggest I get more of before starting? BG art? More character art (Aspen's on his way, but what about side characters)? GUI? I also have a theme song, but I wasn't sure how to post that here :lol:
You're welcome! Oh, I see. It's alright! I find that dark humor, when done well, can be really, really clever. :) In a dark way. Hahaha.

Hmm. Of course, I can't be sure about the others, but personally, I love seeing actual screenshots of the game. Even if it's just a fake screenshot made for preview purposes. Hahaha. It gives me the feeling that what I'm looking at is actually a real visual novel in development, and not just an idea that is trying to become concrete. 😁 And I think that's one important thing in KS projects. You need to show your potential backers that you're currently creating something that they can play in the future. Something that isn't just an idea with some art to support it.

So... that could mean a screenshot showing two sprites, with a decent background, a nice GUI, and a side sprite to show your main character saying a witty line or two. Just an example. 😄

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#5 Post by HiddenCreature » Wed Oct 28, 2015 3:55 am

1) What do you think of the story?
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?


1) I don't dislike the premise, as there's nothing wrong with it. It's just the delivery that's hard for me to believe, because it's too convenient. Jane wants to be a werewolf, then without seducing or searching for one, gets to become one. Then her father decides to reveal he's a hunter; which sounds like something he should of told her and trained her in since childhood.

2) If this game was purely comedy, I'd like them more. But I can tell the story is meant to be taken seriously. Because of that, I don't dislike cast, they just don't seem an appropriate match for a story like this: themes of secret societies, supernatural creatures, and death. A fandom girl, a shy childhood friend, and a playboy hunter? Again, I stress there's nothing inherently wrong with these characters, and if it was pure comedy, they'd be great. But for a story with your themes? They just don't really match.

3) I'm undecided. If I could see more examples of the game's final plans.

4) Either the cast has to change, or the genre. Incompatibility is really the only issue I'm sensing here. Everything else seems fine.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#6 Post by Thy Sylvannah » Wed Oct 28, 2015 8:34 am

1) What do you think of the story?

Although I'm not really fond of vampires and werewolves in particular since well, they're too overrated, I have to say that I like the idea of this one. It's cool. I can see potential and as someone who's desperate for a good VN, this one might be a good catch. And while reading, I managed to internally snicker at the screaming parody. Awesome. I can already imagine more throughout the game.



2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?

Ah. Let's start with the MC. She's pretty--hot even. And I like her personality. And for the guy, even without a sprite yet as of now, my vote goes to Aspen. Why? Because I'm a sucker for those kinds of characters, boohoo. But really, the one who bit her? Experimented on? Interesting. Least favorite character? None so far. I tend not to hate anyone since they're all worked hard on :wink:



3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?

Based on what I've seen so far, I'm expecting great potential and more awesome stuff so probably, my answer would still end up to be: Why the hell not?

Unfortunately, I'm a poor hobo. Let's just see if I could find more piggy banks to break. Heh heh.



4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?

None at the moment. I'm satisfied. So far, great work and I wish you all the best :D

Oh btw, the art is eye candy. I like it.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#7 Post by Harliqueen » Wed Oct 28, 2015 9:24 am

1) What do you think of the story?
I think it sounds interesting, and a clever play on the sort of 'Twilight' fads from not long ago :D But, I am a big fan of supernatural, so definitely one I'll be keeping an eye on!

2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
The characters all seem individual. I'm drawn most to Morgan, his character sounds probably more complex than the others at the moment. But can't say that any sound like I wouldn't like them!

3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
I would if I had money :D But, I'd definitely help spread the word.

4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?
The art is lovely, I really like the gentle feel to it. It gives them more of a magical story feel because of the softness :D
I'm definitely excited to see how this turns out!
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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#8 Post by RoseBug » Wed Oct 28, 2015 12:51 pm

HiddenCreature wrote:1) What do you think of the story?
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?


1) I don't dislike the premise, as there's nothing wrong with it. It's just the delivery that's hard for me to believe, because it's too convenient. Jane wants to be a werewolf, then without seducing or searching for one, gets to become one. Then her father decides to reveal he's a hunter; which sounds like something he should of told her and trained her in since childhood.

2) If this game was purely comedy, I'd like them more. But I can tell the story is meant to be taken seriously. Because of that, I don't dislike cast, they just don't seem an appropriate match for a story like this: themes of secret societies, supernatural creatures, and death. A fandom girl, a shy childhood friend, and a playboy hunter? Again, I stress there's nothing inherently wrong with these characters, and if it was pure comedy, they'd be great. But for a story with your themes? They just don't really match.

3) I'm undecided. If I could see more examples of the game's final plans.

4) Either the cast has to change, or the genre. Incompatibility is really the only issue I'm sensing here. Everything else seems fine.
(I'm going to respond with numbers, since it makes things easier, I think.)

1) Oh, sorry, perhaps I didn't explain that bit well enough. She doesn't "get to become one" and everything's like she's always dreamed. She's pulled from her childish fantasy into the real world: that werewolves aren't perfect and beautiful spirit warriors like in Sundown, but rather tragic beasts who are forced into bloodthirsty monsters on the full moon. Once she's a werewolf, she's not too fond of it, let me tell you. And her father has never revealed that he's a hunter because he's always wanted to keep Jane and her mother out of it, to let them have normal lives. Irony plays a big part in the story.

2) Hmm, I'm a believer in the idea that opposites make for a more intriguing story. If you have a serious plot and all the characters are entirely serious and there's nothing surprising, it'll be cliché and boring. Part of the interesting bit of Sundown is having "normal" people (e.g. a fandom girl) face down extreme situations (e.g. death).

3) Working on it :)

4) I'd be interested to see what your response to my response to your response (wow, did I just say that?) is. Would you accept the plot and the characters more if it's clear that it's partly the juxtaposition and the unexpected match-ups that make it fun?
Thy Sylvannah wrote:1) What do you think of the story?

Although I'm not really fond of vampires and werewolves in particular since well, they're too overrated, I have to say that I like the idea of this one. It's cool. I can see potential and as someone who's desperate for a good VN, this one might be a good catch. And while reading, I managed to internally snicker at the screaming parody. Awesome. I can already imagine more throughout the game.

2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?

Ah. Let's start with the MC. She's pretty--hot even. And I like her personality. And for the guy, even without a sprite yet as of now, my vote goes to Aspen. Why? Because I'm a sucker for those kinds of characters, boohoo. But really, the one who bit her? Experimented on? Interesting. Least favorite character? None so far. I tend not to hate anyone since they're all worked hard on :wink:

3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?

Based on what I've seen so far, I'm expecting great potential and more awesome stuff so probably, my answer would still end up to be: Why the hell not?

Unfortunately, I'm a poor hobo. Let's just see if I could find more piggy banks to break. Heh heh.

4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?

None at the moment. I'm satisfied. So far, great work and I wish you all the best :D

Oh btw, the art is eye candy. I like it.
Thanks a bunch! I wish you luck on finding those piggy banks (and not just so you can donate all the money to Sundown, I swear, ha ha). And I know, the art is so gorgeous, right? Alera's a beast with that tablet!
Harliqueen wrote:1) What do you think of the story?
I think it sounds interesting, and a clever play on the sort of 'Twilight' fads from not long ago :D But, I am a big fan of supernatural, so definitely one I'll be keeping an eye on!

2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
The characters all seem individual. I'm drawn most to Morgan, his character sounds probably more complex than the others at the moment. But can't say that any sound like I wouldn't like them!

3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
I would if I had money :D But, I'd definitely help spread the word.

4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?
The art is lovely, I really like the gentle feel to it. It gives them more of a magical story feel because of the softness :D
I'm definitely excited to see how this turns out!
Thanks so much! Yeah, even if you couldn't donate, help spreading the word would be much appreciated :) I suck at getting followers and whatnot ha ha.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#9 Post by HiddenCreature » Wed Oct 28, 2015 1:39 pm

REPLY

1) Then I suppose that will make for an interesting story. But try to make sure, unlike many other stories in the past, the obstacles are more believable. I've met plenty of writers who write like fan, i.e, situations are too ideal for the hero. Sure, we'd like to root for the average guy/girl to rise up, and take on deadly situations. But in reality, if you're not really careful, 9/10 times your average person would end up dead or seriously hurt, if we're being honest *shrugs shoulders*

2) I see your point, but that's not necessarily true. If you're having a story about a war, would you rather your protagonist be about jester who just happens to be caught in the middle, or a soldier playing an active part in the events? But from your perspective, the middle ground in my example would be a normal citizen. And I would agree, it would be interesting because it's not often explored, but I wouldn't argue that automatically makes it more interesting than the solider--always depends on the writer.

In this case, here's the appeal: because they're not as well equipped compared to a typical hero, they have unique, and even more challenges to overcome; almost like a self-insert story. But referring back to my previous comment, I only get disengaged when things are made too easy for such characters.

4) Yes, if it's clear the main goal of the story is to make me laugh. Using my previous example, it would be hilarious to see a jester try to survive a war. But if it's seriously about him trying to save the day, that's when I start thinking the character and the plot aren't an appropriate match.

For example, I can't reasonably accept that Morgan has the discipline and resolve to become a werewolf hunter, but still finds time to be a playboy. Additionally, Emyr seems like the opposite of how a prince should be: shy and unsure, rather than determined and inspiring.

I see how they're supposed to be contrasting, and again, it's a great recipe for comedy. But if the tone shifts to something more serious, the characters have to break away from their current behaviors to sustain the story.

If Jane wants to live, she can't remain a simple fan girl. If Morgan is expected to competently do his job, he needs to mature and focus on what's really important.

I'll end it here before it goes on too long. It's not easy to articulate my meanings clearly through just typing (at least when I go on this long). But if you still have questions, I'll reply.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#10 Post by RoseBug » Wed Oct 28, 2015 4:17 pm

HiddenCreature wrote:REPLY

1) Then I suppose that will make for an interesting story. But try to make sure, unlike many other stories in the past, the obstacles are more believable. I've met plenty of writers who write like fan, i.e, situations are too ideal for the hero. Sure, we'd like to root for the average guy/girl to rise up, and take on deadly situations. But in reality, if you're not really careful, 9/10 times your average person would end up dead or seriously hurt, if we're being honest *shrugs shoulders*

2) I see your point, but that's not necessarily true. If you're having a story about a war, would you rather your protagonist be about jester who just happens to be caught in the middle, or a soldier playing an active part in the events? But from your perspective, the middle ground in my example would be a normal citizen. And I would agree, it would be interesting because it's not often explored, but I wouldn't argue that automatically makes it more interesting than the solider--always depends on the writer.

In this case, here's the appeal: because they're not as well equipped compared to a typical hero, they have unique, and even more challenges to overcome; almost like a self-insert story. But referring back to my previous comment, I only get disengaged when things are made too easy for such characters.

4) Yes, if it's clear the main goal of the story is to make me laugh. Using my previous example, it would be hilarious to see a jester try to survive a war. But if it's seriously about him trying to save the day, that's when I start thinking the character and the plot aren't an appropriate match.

For example, I can't reasonably accept that Morgan has the discipline and resolve to become a werewolf hunter, but still finds time to be a playboy. Additionally, Emyr seems like the opposite of how a prince should be: shy and unsure, rather than determined and inspiring.

I see how they're supposed to be contrasting, and again, it's a great recipe for comedy. But if the tone shifts to something more serious, the characters have to break away from their current behaviors to sustain the story.

If Jane wants to live, she can't remain a simple fan girl. If Morgan is expected to competently do his job, he needs to mature and focus on what's really important.

I'll end it here before it goes on too long. It's not easy to articulate my meanings clearly through just typing (at least when I go on this long). But if you still have questions, I'll reply.
I see your points. I am trying to make things hard for Jane. Conflict is good. The main thing I want to address is that the characters aren't entirely comedic, either. And sometimes when they are, it's for dark reasons. For example, Robb's super optimistic and cheerful to cover up the fact that he's depressed. Morgan's not a playboy in the sense of new girl every night, banging all the chicks; he just goes through girlfriends quickly. And really, that's more on account of them dumping him because he doesn't seem very attached (which is usually true because
he had his heart broken when he was younger
). Emyr is the least comedic of all. He has low self confidence because
his little brother Rhys is constantly undermining him in an attempt to gain his position of heir
, but he can still move past his shyness and act princely; it's just very hard for him.

It's good to hear a critical view of things. So thank you. I'd be curious, though, if you think the characters match the story now?

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#11 Post by HiddenCreature » Wed Oct 28, 2015 7:37 pm

I'm glad it helped you :)

It seems to match the story better now, yes. I think the only reason why I'm not entirely sure, is because I don't fully understand the circumstances of the story yet.

Ex: when I think of hunters, I imagine secret societies (usually religious in nature) dedicating their lives to hunting monsters, and don't have time for a social life, because their group's goal is more important. Unless they're lone vagabonds. That's why it was hard for me to grasp the concept of Morgan having the free time to date, while still being a hunter. But in retrospect, I don't know how similar or different the hunters in your story are compared to those found in others.

Emyr confused me because I assumed since he was a prince, he'd have responsibilities over people; that would demand more leadership skills, leaving little room for lack of confidence. But if he's not exactly leading people and making important decisions, his given information makes more sense.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#12 Post by RoseBug » Thu Oct 29, 2015 12:21 pm

HiddenCreature wrote:I'm glad it helped you :)

It seems to match the story better now, yes. I think the only reason why I'm not entirely sure, is because I don't fully understand the circumstances of the story yet.

Ex: when I think of hunters, I imagine secret societies (usually religious in nature) dedicating their lives to hunting monsters, and don't have time for a social life, because their group's goal is more important. Unless they're lone vagabonds. That's why it was hard for me to grasp the concept of Morgan having the free time to date, while still being a hunter. But in retrospect, I don't know how similar or different the hunters in your story are compared to those found in others.

Emyr confused me because I assumed since he was a prince, he'd have responsibilities over people; that would demand more leadership skills, leaving little room for lack of confidence. But if he's not exactly leading people and making important decisions, his given information makes more sense.
Yup! :) I definitely see now how there could be some issues with conflicting interests (not really sure how to phrase that, but basically what we've been talking about, like with Morgan's love life). I'll see if I can figure out a way to smooth those over.

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Re: Sundown [Supernatural GxB] What Do You Think?

#13 Post by completelyaddicted21 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 7:47 am

1) What do you think of the story?
I think it has a lot of potential! Im usually not one to like supernatural stories with werewolves and what not, because they end up really cliche, so I hope this one will be different :lol: Usually its the guy who's the one thats trying to be 'tamed' so its refreshing to see it the other one around in this story.
2) What do you think of the characters? Who's your favorite? Least favorite? Why?
Theres not much to judge from, but they seem like the typical character types. The childhood friend, the playboy, and the shy cute type, but thats just how visual novels are so :// they seem likeable though!
3) If there were to be a Kickstarter, would you donate? Why?
I would if I could! This looks like a great game.
4) Any suggestions/questions/comments/whatever else?
the art is BEAUTIFUL! <3

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