Lemma Soft Forums

Supporting creators of visual novels and story-based games since 2003.

Visit our new games list, blog aggregator, IRC channel, and Discord (new).
Activation problem? Email pytom@bishoujo.us.
It is currently Sun May 28, 2017 10:10 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Forum rules


Please read the sticky before creating a new topic. Linking to Kickstarter/Crowdfunded games requires a demo.



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 61 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2016 5:33 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Image



Please support us on Kickstarter!
Also please vote for us on Steam Greenlight!

Image

The story takes place in a rehabilitation center in Citelle, the industrial country, which has been locked in
a fierce battle with Martasco, the military country, for centuries. In order to combat the fighting
advantage that Martasco has, Citelle invented the HASBER project, an experiment that genetically alters
physical abilities. Follow the story of five individuals who struggle to get back on their feet after being hurt
by society, in a world where prejudice reins strong, failure is unacceptable, and the HASBER project governs all.

While there are five routes total, each route is split into two parts. Half of it will include a romanceable Citellean
character, while the other half covers the story from a Martascan's point of view.

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

And here are all the minor characters! Each route has a corresponding Martascan story to go with it. Two
in one! What a catch, right? As they always say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Image

Image

Now that Emmeline is finally out of the way, here are some final notes.
**note: Emmeline is not the main character or the narrator, so the tone of the VN is more like the beginning couple of paragraphs**

1. The story will have five routes. Number of endings is TBD.
2. Each route has a corresponding KN route from the other side. A secret ending will be unlocked once one route is completed.
3. There are 6 prologues, each one unlocked after one route is completed. They are optional and hold hints to the
secret ending, so whether you try to get them all or if you only read one is up to you.
4. Demo will be released around February/March and will contain Day 0, which will be around 7,000 words.
5. This will be free to play.
6. Estimated word count: 250,000
7. Estimated CG count: 30+
8. There will be an opening video.
9. Customizable main character name.

Image

Image Image Image

Title Screen Music: https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=ht ... %3C/iframe

Image

Writing: 40%
Sprites: 80%
Music: 80%
GUI: 100%
BGs: 40%
CGs: 0%
Chibis: 20%

Image

Director, writer, programmer, designer: Mari
Sprite and CG artist: Winnetou
Music: Solo Acapello
GUI and logo: ds-sans
BG Artist: GlassHeart, Pham Thai Chau
Chibis: Pham Thai Chau
Title Screen: Kirimatsu

Image

1. Does the premise interest you?
2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?
3. Would you support a kickstarter?
4. Any other questions or comments?


Last edited by marionettas on Sat May 06, 2017 4:51 pm, edited 22 times in total.

Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2016 9:23 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2016 1:26 am
Posts: 32
Location: Australia
1. Does the premise interest you?
Yes, the premise does interest me. I like the world you've described. In particular I'm curious about the different countries, because I love me some world building :D
Also, the fact that Emmeline isn't the protagonist made me laugh. I like how you set up the expectation of her being the protagonist then dashed that after we got used to her haha.

2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?
TBH I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by pinning the characters under stereotypes. I know it's meant to be humorous. But is it funny? Depends on the person. Does it make me uninterested in getting to know them? Yeah, kind of. If I had to choose, then I guess Leo's character trope seems most appealing and I like Nick's design best. Also, it's a shame Emmeline's only a side(?) character because she's quite amusing.

3. Would you support a kickstarter?
Depends on the rewards I guess, and how interesting the demo is.

4. Any other questions or comments?
- Regarding Nick: I think you mean "sister complex" not "brother complex".
- Not a bad thing or a good thing: the art style is quite atypical for a GxB game. I've seen this kind of style more in bishoujo/eroge. Personally I think it's cute but some people might be caught unawares, so maybe make sure to emphasise the fact you play a female protagonist romancing guys instead of a guy romancing girls.
- Will the game have a darker tone, or a tone more akin to this thread's lighthearted fourth-wall breaking humour? If it's the former I worry that this thread isn't an accurate representation of the content of the game. If it's the latter then I'm curious to see how you'll incorporate the humour in what seems like a rather bleak setting.


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2016 10:20 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Limabaen wrote:
1. Does the premise interest you?
Yes, the premise does interest me. I like the world you've described. In particular I'm curious about the different countries, because I love me some world building :D
Also, the fact that Emmeline isn't the protagonist made me laugh. I like how you set up the expectation of her being the protagonist then dashed that after we got used to her haha.

2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?
TBH I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by pinning the characters under stereotypes. I know it's meant to be humorous. But is it funny? Depends on the person. Does it make me uninterested in getting to know them? Yeah, kind of. If I had to choose, then I guess Leo's character trope seems most appealing and I like Nick's design best. Also, it's a shame Emmeline's only a side(?) character because she's quite amusing.

3. Would you support a kickstarter?
Depends on the rewards I guess, and how interesting the demo is.

4. Any other questions or comments?
- Regarding Nick: I think you mean "sister complex" not "brother complex".
- Not a bad thing or a good thing: the art style is quite atypical for a GxB game. I've seen this kind of style more in bishoujo/eroge. Personally I think it's cute but some people might be caught unawares, so maybe make sure to emphasise the fact you play a female protagonist romancing guys instead of a guy romancing girls.
- Will the game have a darker tone, or a tone more akin to this thread's lighthearted fourth-wall breaking humour? If it's the former I worry that this thread isn't an accurate representation of the content of the game. If it's the latter then I'm curious to see how you'll incorporate the humour in what seems like a rather bleak setting.


Hey, thanks for responding!

To be honest, I put the stereotypes in because a theme of this game is that stereotypes don't define a person. But I see where you're coming from, so I've removed them.
Emmeline's in all the routes but you can't romance her. That's basically the case for all the minor characters.
There will be some darker scenes, yes, though Emmeline can't really read the mood so she's going to fourth wall break throughout the game. But it's not going to be all gloom and doom either, so I'd say there's a balance.

Thanks for your feedback!


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 1:56 pm 
Eileen-Class Veteran

Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:23 pm
Posts: 1371
Completed: The Dark
Projects: bookSLEEPer, Stalker & Yandere
Tumblr: evns
itch.io: Zelan
1. Does the premise interest you?: Yes, like Limabaen said, I love world building.
2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?: Probably Leo for both.
3. Would you support a kickstarted?: I'm not always financially able to do so, but I probably would. I think the big issue here is that your game is already going to be free, so it can't be offered as a reward.
4. Any other questions or comments?: I think Limabaen's right about your introduction being misleading. I absolutely love the way that you've written everything, but it feels less like a serious VN and more like a parody.

_________________


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:31 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Zelan wrote:
1. Does the premise interest you?: Yes, like Limabaen said, I love world building.
2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?: Probably Leo for both.
3. Would you support a kickstarted?: I'm not always financially able to do so, but I probably would. I think the big issue here is that your game is already going to be free, so it can't be offered as a reward.
4. Any other questions or comments?: I think Limabaen's right about your introduction being misleading. I absolutely love the way that you've written everything, but it feels less like a serious VN and more like a parody.


Thanks for responding!
It's meant to be misleading, actually, since I wanted to show Emmeline as an unreliable narrator and then contrasting her with the protagonist in the game. Though I get your point and have added a line and will probably add some more information in a more somber tone in a little while after I organize everything.

Annnnd new updates! Or rather some of them are just updates since I just forgot to post them yesterday.
A look at the GUI:
Image

Customizable main character name:
Image

Town square of the industrial country:
Image


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:13 am 
Newbie
User avatar

Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2016 4:04 am
Posts: 9
Projects: Street Couch
This game looks amazing! When I started reading the description, it sounded like a fantasy game (with kings, kingdoms, knights and all that), but reading further, I was surprised to see it seems more sci-fi. The way you've linked those two concepts is really interesting! I like how you've incorporated "sciencey" and medical things into the game - like "error, image locked" and the "I have read and agree to the terms and conditions" in the screenshot with the main character name box. I also love that Emmeline is 5'9"! It seems like in every VN I play, all the girls are so short. As a tall girl, I appreciate that little detail haha.

1. Does the premise interest you?
Definitely. Based on the description, HASBER seems a little corrupt, as well as the society as a whole.. If that's true, it'll be a nice change from stories where the "good kingdom" fights the "bad kingdom."

2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?
Based on appearance, my favorite is Sebastian. Leo seems to have the most multi-faceted personality, based off the descriptions, so I'd label him my other favorite.

3. Would you support a kickstarter?
Probably not, but it's nothing to do with the quality of the project. I've just never been too big on Kickstarter type things.

4. Any other questions or comments?
I would consider changing the description around a little. I thought that you played as Emmeline, until I read the comments. It also seems like Emmeline's personality could get irritating, with how flippant and cheerful she is in this post. That could just be a personal thing, but I'd keep an eye on it, especially if she is the narrator. Looks like you've got a good story going, so good luck!! You can bet I'll be one of the first to play when it's finished!

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 6:18 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Alright I have revamped the post a bit! Please let me know if that's better now.

@ForkAndKnife:
Thanks for commenting! And yes, I agree. I've always wanted to be 6 feet and alas I'm kind of off of that goal, but I'm still decently tall and I always prided myself with being tall, so I always like to make sure at least one of my girl characters is above 5'7 haha.

And I edited the post but yes, Emmeline's not the protagonist or the narrator. She is, however, around the main character a lot though.
Thank you so much for your support!


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:15 pm 
Veteran
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:12 pm
Posts: 279
Twitter: @ShinokiW
1. Does the premise interest you?

The thing that caught my attention the most was the kinetic novel part. Autumn.

The setting as a whole is interesting. A monarchy? Well, in your story, that mentioned king would have been over half a millennium before the main story. I don't think I see many monarchy/former-monarchy-type settings for this type of modern feeling story. I couldn't quite tell if the HASBER thing was sci-fi or fantasy, but nonetheless, there's definitely some sort of unique feeling to it.

(Haha, my thoughts might be difficult to understand.)

2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?

Naturally, description-wise: Autumn. Villains are wonderful. Evil people are wonderful. A sympathetic villain is the best type of villain, and even if she isn't a villain, she's not one of the 'good guys.' Also, being more badass than those losers is great. (I'm sorry, but none of the characters seem very badass.)

Appearance-wise, Charlie. Cute girls are justice! While an ice queen, it is nice that she's not black haired or silver haired. If it weren't for the description, I might have thought her to be the tsundere imouto type.

3. Would you support a kickstarter?

I would, but I'm broke.

4. Any other questions or comments?

Is there a yuri (GxG) route? While the label only says [GxB], Charlie's character description implies that there might be.


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:57 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
@Shinoki
Martasco (the country Autumn lives in) still has a monarchy now! Obviously they have a different king since it's been over 600 years, but yeah that's their government, while Citelle operates more like an oligarchy. HASBER project exists in Citelle, which is a more modern country, and that was meant to be more sci-fi-like.

Yes, Charlie is a route! I've added that to the title.


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 12:43 am 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Some small updates even though everyone's busy with the holiday season.

Title screen music:
https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=ht ... %3C/iframe

Each of them gets their own room with little personalized touches to them. Wonder who this one belongs to...

Image

And some GUI showcasing (from the industrial country. The military country has a different styled GUI, as does the agricultural country):

Image

Image

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 4:31 pm 
Eileen-Class Veteran

Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:23 pm
Posts: 1371
Completed: The Dark
Projects: bookSLEEPer, Stalker & Yandere
Tumblr: evns
itch.io: Zelan
I love the title music, but I feel like it cuts off too early.

That background looks fantastic! I think it's really cool that each one will have personal touches reflecting the characters. ^_^

_________________


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2017 1:55 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
Hey! It's been awhile. December/January was kind of hectic for all of us so progress was kind of slow, but now we should be back in business.

Some updates:
1. Music and lyrics for the opening video have been made and the singer is currently working on it.
2. Title screen is currently being worked on.
3. Chibi keychains for kickstarter awards have been started as well.
4. We have a studio logo! My friend made it and it has nothing to do with anything but I thought I'd share it anyways because it's adorable.
Image

5. We have a new character! Her name is Autumn, and she's the first of the six Martascans to get drawn.
Image

Some fun facts about her:
1. She's the heroine of this story.
2. She's the daughter of one of the eight generals in Martasco, exceptional soldiers who serve the king directly.
3. She used to be a dancer.

Thanks for your patience! Will post with more updates as soon as possible.

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2017 3:38 pm 
Eileen-Class Veteran

Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:23 pm
Posts: 1371
Completed: The Dark
Projects: bookSLEEPer, Stalker & Yandere
Tumblr: evns
itch.io: Zelan
Lots of art updates! I really like Autumn's design. c: The logo looks adorable, too; your friend did a fantastic job on it.

_________________


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2017 3:44 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 02, 2016 1:34 am
Posts: 82
Projects: < /reality >
Twitter: @NatalieDMaletz
Tumblr: realityvn
Hi there! Your project is looking great so far. The art, parts of the story premise, characters, and writing (as demonstrated by the in-character descriptions), are all very appealing to me.

Why only "parts of the story premise"? Because honestly, I read the first few sentences of the story description and then skipped right to the "while there are five routes total..." bit. The rest of the story description seemed too dense and convoluted at first glance to interest me right away. Instead, I scrolled down to check out the character art and descriptions. This is where I actually got interested in the project. The character art was pretty, and I really enjoyed reading Emmeline's introductions - the use of her chipper personality and all the breaking of the fourth wall seriously hooked me more than any historical backstory possibly could. It made what could have been extremely bland, cliched character archetypes seem new, fresh and fun. So, well done! Emmeline's voice is really selling this project to me, and it's a little disappointing to hear she won't be narrating the entire game!

1. Does the premise interest you?
As I mentioned, I scrolled right past most of the story premise on first glance. However, I did go back and read the rest of it after reading the character descriptions. There are some good lines buried in here, but mainly it is a bit of a slog to wade through all the set-up/history (sorry, I have no attention span, but then again, neither do most people deciding whether they're interested in a product or not - you need to hook them fast). I think you could make a good 1-2 sentence "hook" using some trimmed-down combination of the lines "The story takes place in a rehabilitation center in Citelle, the industrial country. 14 day trials are held in order to help get individuals who have been hurt by the HASBER project or anything else back on their feet and reintegrate them back into society" and "people trying to analyze themselves and the world around them." These two segments do the most to tell me what the story will actually be about.

You could definitely boil down the entire backstory into a single phrase or sentence to use within the "hook," and that's what I'd recommend. For instance, "At a rehabilitation center in Citelle, an industrial country locked in a centuries-old power struggle with two other nations, five youths must come to grips with their sense of self and their place in a tumultuous world." Not exactly that, of course, but something along those lines. And for the alternate Martasco stories, you could add a line like "Meanwhile, in the neighboring militaristic nation of Martasco, five other youths..." etc.

The rest of the description could be trimmed down and added to a "backstory" section, but it feels somewhat unnecessary, honestly. Any alternate-world story should have good worldbuilding, and this is all I'm really getting from the rest of the description - that you have decent worldbuilding going on. It doesn't tell me what the story I'll be reading is actually about. And that's what I'm curious to know, when deciding whether to follow or purchase a VN.

2. Who is your favorite character so far, based on appearances and Emmeline’s (probably) unreliable descriptions?
Well, I actually really like Emmeline, she seems fun and hilarious and her descriptions are pretty great.

Otherwise, I think Delaney could be fun to read about, especially his interactions with some of the other more colorful personalities here.

Autumn could end up being my favorite character though. I like strong girls. But, it depends on how you write her. It's hard to get much personality from the short description you provided.

Also, spotted a typo in Nick's description - likes "friend" rice?

3. Would you support a kickstarter?
Probably, if you have a tier which offers the entire game for a price that is within my budget. Either way, I'll definitely be excited to share your campaign on social media, etc and help you spread the word. And even if I can't back, I'll be rooting for you!

4. Any other questions or comments?
I really adore the art style you have for the sprites! They're all cute, appealing and lively in different ways. Nice work! I'd love to see what some different expressions of theirs look like!

One thing I found pretty odd about the characters is that they are all basically the same age. Even the scientist working at the rehabilitation center is only a few years older. Is there some specific reason for this? Otherwise, it just doesn't seem realistic.

Quote:
5. This will be free to play.

What will be free to play? The demo? Or the entire game? If you're talking about the demo, I'd clarify that in your description. If you're talking about the entire game, well. I could have plenty to say to you about crowdfunding free products (TLDR; don't do it).

While I offered some harsh criticism of your story description, I'm actually intrigued by your project and very interested to know where you plan to go with the story. I'll be excited to hear about your development progress, and happy to support your crowdfunding campaign however I can!

Good luck! ^_^

P.S. That Tamago Buns logo is great!

_________________
Image
~Please give me Honest Critique!~


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2017 4:52 pm 
Regular
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:14 pm
Posts: 32
Projects: Silent Voices
Organization: tamagobuns
Twitter: @tamagobuns
Tumblr: tamagobuns
Skype: marieonettas
@Zelan:
Thank you! I put a lot of effort into her haha (for some reason, I find girl designs to be much easier than guy designs).
My friend says thank you too!

@RedOwl
Thank you for your long response! Wow it was really informative.
So yeah, I took out the whole world-building thing out and trimmed it down a bit, so hopefully it's more catchy now.
Emmeline's only a couple years older because she and the main character met in college and the MC is 19, so there was only a 4 year gap. Other than that... no, I don't really have any explanation. ;-;

Okay, is making a kickstarter for a free game bad? I'm honestly curious. Since this is my first game I thought that more people would play it if I made it free and the KS is only really there so I can get back the money I spent on commissions. I was planning to give away rewards like wallpapers, keychains and OST, but if that's still a really bad idea, then I wouldn't mind charging a little bit I guess.

Thank you again for your comments!
(Also, I have been following your project for awhile as well, so good luck to you!)

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 61 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Averxy, minyan, SweetChiel


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Protected by Anti-Spam ACP
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group