Obento Mori wrote:Phantom Ban Detective Agency centers around Riley and Dameon; two high school detectives that fight strange beings known as Phantoms.
A lot of people will probably compare your story to the
Persona series. It started over twenty years ago as an offshoot of the larger
Megami Tensei franchise. The games from
Persona 1 onward have focused on present-day settings, characters attending schools, a struggle against supernatural evil, and Carl Jung's notions of persona and shadows. That said... think about how your story will compare with the series in a positive ways, as well as what will set it apart.
Obento Mori wrote:Phantoms are summoned unconsciously by people known as Espers through their strong inner desires, and emotional trauma. These phantoms act to fulfill these desires and wreak havoc on their victim’s minds.
How many people in your fictional universe have extrasensory perception? Do all ESPers have the same level of strength? Or are there degrees to which a person has this ability?
What can a person do to fight a phantom? Do they use weapons? Wits? Magic? Something else? Do they need to help the person in order to weaken the phantom?
I assume that most people in your story do not believe that the occult is real. If so, then it would make sense that no adult characters are currently hunting phantoms. However, what would happen if there was suddenly tough-to-deny proof that extrasensory perception and phantoms exist? (For instance, the 1984 movie
Ghostbusters ends with a summoned creature causing quite a bit of destruction in public. The logical result of this scene is "ghosts and supernatural evil are definitely real." The sequel should have addressed this.)
Obento Mori wrote:What do you guys think? Advice for how we can improve?
The characters' names are really on the nose. They describe either who the person is, or their current interest. That can work in a whimsical universe, but if your story will be violent or horrifying, the names might seem out of place. Consider whether you'll benefit by using less punny, descriptive names. As an alternative, show what the characters think of their names. Maybe Dameon is proud of his, and he's glad to be a hunter. Maybe Allie would prefer to known as Allison, except for people who she trusts.
Obento Mori wrote:What are things we can do to generate more interest for our project?
That's a good question. Who do you want your story to appeal to? Think about who will like your art, pacing, themes, and so on. Does it appeal to just one group of the four quadrants? Is there any form of complex gameplay?
Things which could potentially set your project apart:
* A story which leaves readers thinking. Consider what you want to say. I'm not sure _how_ to create a story that leaves an impression on the reader, but I've been fortunate to experience some memorable ones. You might benefit from watching
a video from Rant and Bollox which encourages people to think of superhero movies in terms other than "cool guys and looking at explosions."
* A distinct art style that fits your story. Maybe it could look more realistic or cartoonish. Or you could study the work of an OJL comic artist and think about what they did well. Throw a dart at any of the
House of 1000 Manga articles, and you'll probably find a discussion about a notable title, creator, or genre.
* Keep up the pace. I don't think you'll benefit by tacking on chase scenes or battle scenes. Instead, make sure every scene contributes to the story, and leave unnecessary parts on the cutting room floor. Include conversations only if they are dramatically necessary.
Good luck with everything!
