TOS Cries of Souls Indiegogo campaign!!!

[Kina_Skynight]

Here is a campaign for the VN we, Team Passion made, we made the demo in 1 year with 0 penny spent.

It is going to be an eroge fan visual novel game for an app game called Tower of Saviors by MadHead Limited, they have given me the permission, so all is well and they are even good enough to send merchandise for us as give away for backers!

Here is the link to download the DEMO along with the campaign link, please support it in anyways you can, by backing it or share it around!

DEMO download: https://www.dropbox.com/s/2mm0nfqi076og2b/ToS.zip?dl=0

Campaign link: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fan- ... x/17072336#/

Any questions, please ask me and I will answer them. Thank you!!

[Kina_Skynight]

Guys... Can I please get some feedback, for whoever that have tried out the demo or saw the campaign? I really need it. And to help back it too.....

[Mikomi]

Hello there! Since I saw your post here and on /r/visualnovels asking for feedback, I decided to give your demo a try! I hope you don't take my criticism personally, as I mean well. Note, I'd never heard of the mobile game before this, but halfway through the demo I downloaded the app and played for a bit because I was so confused and hoped the app would give me guidance on what was going on.

So, I started the game by, well, pressing start. Instantly I have no clue what is going on. Who is the main character? Where am I? What are the 5 Elemental Islands? How did I already conquer them? Yes, after going back and reading a bit more on the KS I see that there are some loose character and setting descriptions, but even then I am completely disoriented, and this feeling does not change throughout the demo. A demo should be a singular way of inciting people to fund your product- it should be something that makes them want more. This just left me confused and ready to put it down. On the KS it says that this VN can be read by even those who don't know much about the lore, but even after downloading the app I still didn't know who these people were or why they were here or how they knew each other.

After the MC wakes up and goes outside, I am once again barraged by confusion. Who are these characters? Slipping in little lines such as "oh, that's just like my mother" also don't help- it's a bad way of giving exposition and feels jarring by how unnatural it is, as nobody would say that in real life. Maybe they'd say something like "oh, that's just like her", but even that is kind of cliched. So that brings me to my next point- the writing. The writing, and I'm trying to sugar coat this, is not good. It's very dull and boring, both the writing style and the "plot", even though I'm still confused on what the overall plot is. Please, let your writers do some more research on writing styles in visual novels, as it's very different from writing books or such.

Now, my next concern with the demo- the sprites. The sprites a very inconsistent. One moment, the MC will be on screen, and the next moment he's vanished, and the rest of the sprites seem to move around and fade in and out at random. With the large amount of screen space you guys have, you can keep all the sprites in the scene on the screen at the same time, as most VNs do. It makes things more personal and more in the scene, as you have such a big space for such tiny sprites. Also, the creature sprites seem really large compared to the human characters, enough where it's offputting.

After that is the text box. Having the name at the bottom is..... very irregular, and rather jarring to the casual VN reader, as it's usually at the top. At first, I didn't even think there was a way to tell who was talking. Another problem with the textbox (although the first one was more subjective, this concern is more objective) is that the transparency is too light. I played around with the slider for a bit and put it on its darkest setting but I still could barely read the words in some scenes, namely where the lizard thing pops up at the end. People need to be able to read easily, as it is a VN.

Let's see.... the writing isn't very good, the demo doesn't make me want to continue playing, let alone fund it, the sprites move oddly, and the textbox is hard to read. This may sound like a personal attack, but please don't take it as such. If you guys are truly passionate about this project, as you've worked for a year on it for free, then I believe you guys might can make a great product. But please, do listen to some of my concerns here, primarily the writing.

Also, a main reason why you might not be getting as much traction here as the other threads is probably because there isn't a lot on your thread. Consider looking at the other WIP threads and see how they make theirs look interesting and appealing- people like pictures! If you want more people to play the demo, then you should post it to itch.io instead of dropbox. More people will see it there and you'll get stats on the views and downloads.

[Ultran]

Expecting people to pledge 50k to a fan-game, especially to an unrecognized team, seems beyond the realm of possibility to me. You just stating that "we will need to pay our team members $50,000 for the work they have ahead of them" without properly giving cost breakdown doesn't help things.

[Zetsubou]

Expecting people to pledge 50k to a fan-game, especially to an unrecognized team, seems beyond the realm of possibility to me. You just stating that "we will need to pay our team members $50,000 for the work they have ahead of them" without properly giving cost breakdown doesn't help things.

To add to this, you've chosen "flexible funding", so you'll get whatever funds are raised even if the goal isn't met. Which is a pretty big red flag, considering the unrealistic goal.

Have you looked around at other crowdfunding campaigns for VNs? Even campaigns by groups with multiple VNs to their name, taking the all-or-nothing approach, rarely get anywhere near $50k.

At least with an all-or-nothing funding model, backers have nothing to lose. But flexible funding means they stand to lose whatever money they pledge without receiving anything in return if the goal isn't met.

That's a pretty big deterrent, especially considering the high funding goal. Backers are going to be much, much more cautious about backing a flexible funding campaign.

Given the proposed timeline of 3 years in conjunction with the high goal, I think the problem is simple: you're trying to do too much.
My advice is to break the game down. Split it into separate chapters, with the first one being the shortest.
Come up with a solid plan (including a legit cost breakdown) for chapter 1, get the costs down to around $5k, then host a new all-or-nothing campaign for that first chapter.
It may not be the kind of campaign you imagined, but it will increase your likelihood of success significantly. And if all goes well, you'll be in a much better position to complete the rest of the game you originally had in mind.

[Zylinder]

Some other points besides those already raised:

• Your tiers are rather disorganized: there's not a single tier that explicitly includes the game at all. I'm going to assume that the game is priced at 50 USD since that's when shipping starts, but I wouldn't know for sure. Many games include 'coffee tiers', but you have three (assuming again that the game is actually 50 USD)

• Your stretch goals essentially translate to 50000 USD for mini-games and extra mini-routes. This is the price of an entire VN on kickstarter. A 100000 USD jump for animation? Which kind of animation -- blinking or live2D? Details and samples are important.

• TOS is pretty popular in Malaysia (Which I see the creator is from, as am I), at least amongst my peer group -- but many of the players speak Mandarin, considering that the game itself is ported to English from the Chinese version. By making this game in English, you're essentially halving your audience. You should consider hiring translators for a Mandarin port as one of your stretch goals.

• I'll be very frank -- your team description is very unconvincing. All of them are using pseudonyms, none of which are linked to accounts, DAs, photos, or just about anything that relates to them as a human being. When you add this to the flexible goal, it's just madness. What games have they worked on? What are these sites that they run? What's their track record like? At the risk of sounding very crude -- how do we know we can trust you with the money?

• Your trailer shows no gameplay. I would not even know it's a VN without further assistance. It's in the description of course, but it helps to be in there.

[Kina_Skynight]

Hello there! Since I saw your post here and on /r/visualnovels asking for feedback, I decided to give your demo a try! I hope you don't take my criticism personally, as I mean well. Note, I'd never heard of the mobile game before this, but halfway through the demo I downloaded the app and played for a bit because I was so confused and hoped the app would give me guidance on what was going on.

So, I started the game by, well, pressing start. Instantly I have no clue what is going on. Who is the main character? Where am I? What are the 5 Elemental Islands? How did I already conquer them? Yes, after going back and reading a bit more on the KS I see that there are some loose character and setting descriptions, but even then I am completely disoriented, and this feeling does not change throughout the demo. A demo should be a singular way of inciting people to fund your product- it should be something that makes them want more. This just left me confused and ready to put it down. On the KS it says that this VN can be read by even those who don't know much about the lore, but even after downloading the app I still didn't know who these people were or why they were here or how they knew each other.

After the MC wakes up and goes outside, I am once again barraged by confusion. Who are these characters? Slipping in little lines such as "oh, that's just like my mother" also don't help- it's a bad way of giving exposition and feels jarring by how unnatural it is, as nobody would say that in real life. Maybe they'd say something like "oh, that's just like her", but even that is kind of cliched. So that brings me to my next point- the writing. The writing, and I'm trying to sugar coat this, is not good. It's very dull and boring, both the writing style and the "plot", even though I'm still confused on what the overall plot is. Please, let your writers do some more research on writing styles in visual novels, as it's very different from writing books or such.

Now, my next concern with the demo- the sprites. The sprites a very inconsistent. One moment, the MC will be on screen, and the next moment he's vanished, and the rest of the sprites seem to move around and fade in and out at random. With the large amount of screen space you guys have, you can keep all the sprites in the scene on the screen at the same time, as most VNs do. It makes things more personal and more in the scene, as you have such a big space for such tiny sprites. Also, the creature sprites seem really large compared to the human characters, enough where it's offputting.

After that is the text box. Having the name at the bottom is..... very irregular, and rather jarring to the casual VN reader, as it's usually at the top. At first, I didn't even think there was a way to tell who was talking. Another problem with the textbox (although the first one was more subjective, this concern is more objective) is that the transparency is too light. I played around with the slider for a bit and put it on its darkest setting but I still could barely read the words in some scenes, namely where the lizard thing pops up at the end. People need to be able to read easily, as it is a VN.

Let's see.... the writing isn't very good, the demo doesn't make me want to continue playing, let alone fund it, the sprites move oddly, and the textbox is hard to read. This may sound like a personal attack, but please don't take it as such. If you guys are truly passionate about this project, as you've worked for a year on it for free, then I believe you guys might can make a great product. But please, do listen to some of my concerns here, primarily the writing.

Also, a main reason why you might not be getting as much traction here as the other threads is probably because there isn't a lot on your thread. Consider looking at the other WIP threads and see how they make theirs look interesting and appealing- people like pictures! If you want more people to play the demo, then you should post it to itch.io instead of dropbox. More people will see it there and you'll get stats on the views and downloads.

Don't worry, this is WHAT I am looking for. Please send me a PM please, I need more guidance oh and yeah, you at least put it well ya know unlike that one guy that went

"You should give up on everything and end your life. Since you sucks." Without even telling me why and what I am sucked at like.... bruh.

Please do drop me a PM, I need help on improving and fixing all of this. I am the writer by the way

[Kina_Skynight]

Expecting people to pledge 50k to a fan-game, especially to an unrecognized team, seems beyond the realm of possibility to me. You just stating that "we will need to pay our team members $50,000 for the work they have ahead of them" without properly giving cost breakdown doesn't help things.

To add to this, you've chosen "flexible funding", so you'll get whatever funds are raised even if the goal isn't met. Which is a pretty big red flag, considering the unrealistic goal.

Have you looked around at other crowdfunding campaigns for VNs? Even campaigns by groups with multiple VNs to their name, taking the all-or-nothing approach, rarely get anywhere near $50k.

At least with an all-or-nothing funding model, backers have nothing to lose. But flexible funding means they stand to lose whatever money they pledge without receiving anything in return if the goal isn't met.

That's a pretty big deterrent, especially considering the high funding goal. Backers are going to be much, much more cautious about backing a flexible funding campaign.

Given the proposed timeline of 3 years in conjunction with the high goal, I think the problem is simple: you're trying to do too much.
My advice is to break the game down. Split it into separate chapters, with the first one being the shortest.
Come up with a solid plan (including a legit cost breakdown) for chapter 1, get the costs down to around $5k, then host a new all-or-nothing campaign for that first chapter.
It may not be the kind of campaign you imagined, but it will increase your likelihood of success significantly. And if all goes well, you'll be in a much better position to complete the rest of the game you originally had in mind.

Yeah, I don't want to do that, I hate games or VNs that have chapters, like... no. I want it to be a 100% full game. Don't worry, I will fix everything so that I can get that 50k goal, at least.

I want to make this a full game, and yeah I am working on the cost break down, I already have it all broken down though, I just didn't think that it will be THIS important O3O

[Kina_Skynight]

Some other points besides those already raised:

• Your tiers are rather disorganized: there's not a single tier that explicitly includes the game at all. I'm going to assume that the game is priced at 50 USD since that's when shipping starts, but I wouldn't know for sure. Many games include 'coffee tiers', but you have three (assuming again that the game is actually 50 USD)

• Your stretch goals essentially translate to 50000 USD for mini-games and extra mini-routes. This is the price of an entire VN on kickstarter. A 100000 USD jump for animation? Which kind of animation -- blinking or live2D? Details and samples are important.

• TOS is pretty popular in Malaysia (Which I see the creator is from, as am I), at least amongst my peer group -- but many of the players speak Mandarin, considering that the game itself is ported to English from the Chinese version. By making this game in English, you're essentially halving your audience. You should consider hiring translators for a Mandarin port as one of your stretch goals.

• I'll be very frank -- your team description is very unconvincing. All of them are using pseudonyms, none of which are linked to accounts, DAs, photos, or just about anything that relates to them as a human being. When you add this to the flexible goal, it's just madness. What games have they worked on? What are these sites that they run? What's their track record like? At the risk of sounding very crude -- how do we know we can trust you with the money?

• Your trailer shows no gameplay. I would not even know it's a VN without further assistance. It's in the description of course, but it helps to be in there.

Erm.... I state it VERY clearly, and I state it 2 times that the full game will be free to download and play right? That is why not one of the tiers have the game included in, because it will be free upon release, my contract with MH said that I cannot sell this, so yeah.

Well, it was because using animation is not too cheap ya see, and I plan on adding not just one or two mini routes either, I am going to make it like, an extension of some sort, with more mini games too. Which can eat up a lot of money. And as for the animation budget, yeah, I did that on purpose because I know how shit an animator's salary can be shit. I was planning on hiring one after I get that, I am sure I will be surrounded by job application if I told the animators that I will be paying 100k to them.

Err... who said there is no Chinese at all though, there IS Chinese translation for the game, just go to settings and click on English to change it, there are both Simplified and Traditional Chinese to choose from.

I will be adding their resume in soon, and there will be no one else but me that will be holding the money, I will only pay each and everyone for what they have completed, so no running away anytime soon, this is what my passion is, I ain't gonna pull no Ant Simulator incident.

Yeah, we don't have too much to work on, so that is the, that is like a teaser or some sort, but no worries though, my youtuber friend will be playing the DEMO soon, then I will updating this with the video.

[Mikomi]

Don't worry, this is WHAT I am looking for. Please send me a PM please, I need more guidance oh and yeah, you at least put it well ya know unlike that one guy that went

"You should give up on everything and end your life. Since you sucks." Without even telling me why and what I am sucked at like.... bruh.

Please do drop me a PM, I need help on improving and fixing all of this. I am the writer by the way

Sure, I'll PM you!