An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

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chocochino
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An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#1 Post by chocochino » Fri May 18, 2018 12:40 pm

Hello! This was initially a college group project I did for a class, and turns out I really like writing for VN! Since this is my first project (and unbeta'ed), I want to ask you guys how should I improve it. Please give me the critics I need!
AER logo - Copy.png
After living your whole life as a normal high school student, a fateful meeting with a powerful witch shows that you are actually a witch, too! And now she hired you as her apprentice while paying for education in a better school that teaches magic... and giving you a chance to meet magic casters like you.

Also, what's with the atmosphere saying danger everywhere? Is it because people despises witches as the fairytale's villain, or because of the rumors about students being kidnapped?


Download here! Walkthrough here

Features:
  • 40,000+ words better love story than Twilight, since you can actually date the vampire AND the werewolf.
  • Nameable protagonist with no default name (because we want to).
  • Three bachelors to choose, with good and bad ending for each route.
  • Lots of choices (some of them might drastically alter the conclusion).
Characters
johann.PNG
johann.PNG (78.7 KiB) Viewed 1255 times
alaric.PNG
kieran.PNG

Important note: Kieran (the vampire)'s route is locked at the first playthrough; you have to finish at least one ending from Johann or Alaric's route to unlock his route. The recommended playing order is Johann -> Alaric -> Kieran.
although if you're here only for the story, Johann's route can be skipped since Kieran's story will explains everything
Screenshots:
screenshot0002.png
screenshot0006.png
screenshot0008.png
screenshot0007.png

You are encouraged to answer these questions so I know how should I improve:
  1. Which one is your favorite route and ending? Why?
  2. Are there parts of the story that should be extended or cut? Why?
  3. How about the character development? Which part should be improved more?
  4. Was the conflict interesting enough? Are there scenes that should be developed more?
And lastly, thank you for playing!
Last edited by chocochino on Thu May 24, 2018 12:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

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crystalscm
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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#2 Post by crystalscm » Sun May 20, 2018 3:41 pm

I downloaded this and played Johann's route so far!
He was a very cute character in his own way; I enjoyed him a lot. Right now, I'm working on Alaric.
I can give you my thoughts in more detail once I finish all the routes.

This may just be me and every game, but I was a bit sad at Johann's good end, how it just ended there.
I wish I could have spent a bit more time with him. To me, it felt a bit sudden, but this was a college project, so I imagine deadlines had to be met.

That said, just from reading one play through, I can see grammar errors or kind of awkward wordings.
If I can help or anything though, please feel free to hit me up, and I can be your proofreader if you'd like, as I'm a native English speaker!

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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#3 Post by chocochino » Wed May 23, 2018 11:23 pm

Thank you for playing! Johann's ending was kind of hanging because teacher-student relationship is quite a dangerous thread to walk on, especially when the game is going to be submitted to teachers. Anyway, I'm surprised anyone would call him cute! Well, I also think he's kinda cute after his past got revealed, too...

Alaric and Kieran's good ending can be quite hard to get, so I'm currently writing a walkthrough.

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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#4 Post by Akemi-Takashi » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:31 pm

Hello~ First off, I wanted to congratulate you on completing this Visual Novel. It was a joy playing it <3

1. Which one is your favorite route and ending? Why?
Honestly, I found both Johann and Kieran's routes endearing. Both show just how much they care for the female protagonist. I felt that Johann's route was the most natural in its course, however.
The reason behind his treatment of Edelyn when they reunited was understandable. It was pretty awkward and all over the place, but it would be expected from someone who has wanted to talk to her all this time but couldn't because of the circumstances placed on her. It makes sense that Kieran would be the "true" route, but Johann's felt more real. But it also has its flaw. During the scene where Edelyn went into Johann's memories of her erased past, Johann had called her by the name the player inputs. Obviously it's to keep the protagonist's name classified for later, but that's a flaw in the mind-reading process. A memory cannot be changed. Johann would have called the MC by her true name as it was before that incident happened. Unless a person's memory can be altered at will, I find that part confusing.
Otherwise, I did find Kieran's ending much more satisfying and fulfilling because it's a happy ending, but it also lacks.

2. Are there parts of the story that should be extended or cut? Why?
Some parts that could be extended would include...
Probably what happened to Alaric in Johann and Kieran's good endings. It would lead to a proper denouement.
In Alaric's route, I would also recommend that there would be at least some resolution on the part where the kidnapped students were released.
Ah, there's also the part as to why the MC has powers. Do casters get their power through their DNA or do they get it at random? The story definitely proves it's hereditary, so why does the MC have powers?
3. How about the character development? Which part should be improved more?
In this kind of circumstance, I would say that each character should have some drawback for their powers.
Certainly, the wording when casting spells as a witch or wizard is an interesting starting point and that vampires don't have powers unless they consume another caster's blood is another, but otherwise there aren't that many other drawbacks. Another would probably be the character development of the acceptance of witches and vampires in society. Certainly the MC's parents had troubles accepting her powers because it brought her into danger, but there wasn't any development in society. I guess that wasn't a topic that you were targeting, but I guess an explanation of that would allow for a better outlook on the setting and the people that build that setting.
Maybe also having Alaric's character show some growth as well? Certainly he had his motives, but like, when and why did he start targeting those in school? Actually, how long had he been plotting his plan? Why did he start collaborating with vampires? There are still plenty of holes in his character left unexplained, but I like how pursuing him is a drawback. Pursuing a love interest isn't always the best solution, loving yourself first would be. ESPECIALLY since he just all of a sudden professes his love to you.
There's also the lack of development in Kieran's character in general and in his route. I probably won't word this properly enough, but the fact that Johann already started shipping them after getting into Kieran's route contradicts why he acted the way he did during his reunion with MC as explained in his route. I thought they didn't want to reverse the spell placed on her to keep her safety? There wasn't that much tension, but I guess it's to be expected as the beginning was pretty light-hearted.


4. Was the conflict interesting enough? Are there scenes that should be developed more?
The conflict was something I wouldn't have seen from the start. Definitely it presented a problem of an abuse in power. It's an interesting place to start, and considering it was a project with a deadline, it was developed enough. With more time though, it might have been able to be more diverse. The choices given were definitely relevant in Alaric's route, but some of the other choices, especially in the other two routes, don't quite seem to contribute to the endings given. For example,
When first getting into Kieran's route, why would changing the topic and replying quickly make a difference? Does it rely on trust? Even the lunch option, why would inviting him to eat with the group be better than going to eat with him? Not that there was much difference, but just wondering. The bad ending as well. Kieran had the powers of a witch/wizard, so probably it might have been better if he acted on impulse like Edelyn did in the past by using it and making the situation worse rather than it just ending it where she gives herself up. It could have developed a bit more there.
However, I didn't really understand the conflict in general, though. It might just be me, but to me, the conflict seemed to revolve more around Edelyn being a witch at the start, which seemed to be properly resolved in Johann's route. The conflict changed all of a sudden in Kieran and Alaric's routes that it seemed quite sudden.
I guess you could expand more on that main conflict by probably introducing more than one instance where there have been sightings of danger.
I played this game two days ago, so it should be fresh, but there may be instances where I'm wrong or missing information that did already fulfill my critiques. But I still enjoyed the game nevertheless. The characters were lovable and the story was a joy that it makes me want more. I wish you good luck for any new games you have in mind!
Free to do anything related to English grammar such as proofreading or scripts! ;)

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." (Proverb)

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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#5 Post by chocochino » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:56 am

Hello, Akemi-Takashi! Thank you so much for giving me so much input in how I should develop this game. Since this was written under deadline, I do feel there's so many plot holes I couldn't fix and ideas I could have expand. Hopefully, when my final project ends, I can expand the plot, find some artist and beta-reader to polish the game.

1. Glad you like Johann and Kieran's route! This is actually my first time writing teacher-student relationship and I'm glad it worked. Initially, I wish Johann would ended with MC, but showing a T-S romance to my lecturers seem ... weird. So I decided to have Kieran around :D
About the wrong name being used, you're right, memory can't easily be changed. I'll check on it.
2. In Johann's ending,
I decided not to extend Alaric's further condition because I want players to be interested in playing Alaric (by making them questioning what happened to Alaric, dun dun dun!) and also because I want to create a Bolivian Army ending. Extending Alaric's ending means I have to resolve Johann and MC's romance, and it might make things awkward to my lecturers, hahaha :lol:
But yeah, in Kieran's ending, Alaric has been transported somewhere else. I'll probably just make it clearer on the re-write.
And regarding to MC's heritage, I'll go with the muggle-born system. Both of MC's parents are descendants from powerful wizards, and finally the recessive magic genes in them showed up in MC.
3. Regarding to each race's weaknesses, I've actually had them in mind (except for werewolves. They're just shape-shifter with wolves as ancestors. That's all). Faeries rely on visual imagery, so blindfolded faeries will be probably as useless as mute wizards.
Regarding to the society's behaviour, this is actually a plot point in Isolde's backstory (if I ever going to write one). She was born around the Huntdown era (100 years ago), and there's a reason why she lives by herself until she adopted Kieran. I can't think on how to tell players about society's behaviour in MC's storyline without giving too much exposition unrelated to MC's conflict.
About Alaric's backstory... you've just given me a perfect reason to have hidden romance-able bachelor. Thank you. And I love how you had the same thought as mine when I created Alaric's route. In addition to give a unique gameplay, I want players to realize that it's okay not to be in a relationship with someone, especially when that someone is not ready to be in a proper relationship.
And about Kieran's romance development, I do think that MC fell for him too fast (his route was written last, two weeks before the deadline, and somehow ended up being the longest. Sorry). But Johann shipped Kieran and MC because he had seen how MC's act on saving Kieran 10 years ago gives Kieran a reason to live. Being a victim to bloodfarm is harsh, it gives him suicidal thoughts. Being turned into someone he hate with his whole being is harsher (he was heavily depressed and in a state of severe self-hate at his first couple years as a vampire). But MC saves him and wants him to live, so he lives... and Johann normally ships them because Kieran needs MC more than himself.
4. Regarding to Kieran's route
The first one was indeed because of trust; remember how MC had help Kieran? He wants MC to rely on him as well. About the lunch option, inviting Kieran to the group would give a sign that not everyone is afraid of him; Kieran is accepted somewhere, and that somewhere is MC's group that consists of people who are not showered in bad lights but still want to befriend an outcast like him. Also, Johann's route was meant to present MC's internal conflict and Alaric was the external conflict; Kieran's route was meant to tie these routes together.
Once again, thank you for playing AER!

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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#6 Post by philip » Tue Jul 24, 2018 1:15 pm

@chocochino-

Downloaded this a couple of days ago and went through hurriedly; its well done and I look forward to going back and exploring the story in depth. Unfortunately, I am dealing with a severe family medical emergency, and VN's are getting pushed way down the list of things to do.

Good job so far!

philip
"One who has never made a mistake has never attempted anything!"
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and
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"Finish what you start"

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Re: An Edelweiss' Resolve [GxB] [Urban-Fantasy] [School Life]

#7 Post by chocochino » Wed Jul 25, 2018 9:01 am

philip wrote:
Tue Jul 24, 2018 1:15 pm
@chocochino-

Downloaded this a couple of days ago and went through hurriedly; its well done and I look forward to going back and exploring the story in depth. Unfortunately, I am dealing with a severe family medical emergency, and VN's are getting pushed way down the list of things to do.

Good job so far!

philip
Thank you so much for downloading and I hope things go well with your family, get well soon!

I'll be waiting for your review :)

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