It was my first shot at writing a game story and is probably not that good. I wanted to make a post jam version to flesh out the story a bit more but honestly I don't know where to start. Most of the comments on the game was made from a jam entry perspective and as a result some of the issues(well many of them) were probably not addressed.
For example, if you were to divide the story into beginning , middle and end then you would find that the middle part is non existent. I wrote the story this way for two reasons:
1.It was a jam entry so I didn't have time to flesh out things too much. So I focused on the climax of the story and most of the effort went towards the ending. and
beginning parts.
2.Most jam game testers wouldn't play a game that's too long. Especially if it's text based. So I had to cut down the fluff even though it meant losing character
development.
The story itself is something I feel strongly about but I think I am too intimate with it to figure out the major flaws/plot holes. There are probably a host of other problems that I am probably overlooking as well.
I recently started writing the post jam version but I honestly don't know where to expand/rewrite. I rewrote some parts to better reflect the story ideas that some commenters missed but aside from that I don't know what to do.
I'd really appreciate any criticism you guys could give in regards to the game's writing/presentation etc. I don't mind if it's harsh.
Also, since I'm not a native English speaker, any pointers regarding the grammar, word choice would also be appreciated.