LF Feedback: Down the Primrose Path [GxB][Dark Fairytale][Psychological]

[AmityAngel]

Hi all! So I've got a 40k word work-in-progress of a visual novel. I'm the sole developer of the game, and am paying for all assets out of pocket because I have zero confidence in my visual novel having a wide enough appeal to get funding, lol. It's mostly a passion project that I work on bit by bit in my little free time, but it still means a lot to me and I want to do the best work I can so that other people besides me can enjoy it.

However, I'm having some doubts about the story and the main character's personality. I'm thinking that maybe I should scrap some of the big ideas and take another approach instead. As someone who tends to be insanely overly-critical about my own work though, I have no idea if I'm just over-thinking this or not, and maybe the story isn't actually as bad as I feel it is so far. I am in desperate need of some outside, level-headed feedback. Because if there are some fundamental issues already, I would rather re-write a large chunk of the game now than when it's half-finished.

Screenshots of the Visual Novel WIP:






Currently completed assets: Character Sprites, a few BGs, 3 custom songs
Unfinished assets: Main Menu & GUI, Map navigation menu, all CGs, more songs and BGs

Story & Setting:
The game's protagonist is Freya, a girl who wakes up from a deep slumber in an abyss, surprised that she's still alive. She doesn't remember what led to her sleeping in the void. After a strange voice begins speaking to her as if it knows her, she accepts its help, taking its hand and then awaking in a dim, gloomy forest where she runs into a demon and then meets the Shadow Lord (Vhaagar), the ruler of the forest.
((Not a great summary tbh, but it's a very psychological game so it's actually hard to describe, LOL.))
The game works as an old-school dating sim with a map-based navigation menu, and Freya being able to cook meals and gift them to the love interests, and read books in the library and talk about the subjects with them as well. The game is split into 3 major parts - the first 2 parts have 1 different love interest in addition to the Shadow Lord. (Getting highest affection with the Shadow Lord just continues the game into part 2 and then 3.)
Here's the spoilers for what's really going on: (using spoiler tag in case anyone wants to just play the demo for themselves first before knowing):

So, the Shadow Lord actually is Freya's "other half," so to speak. She represents his "heart," and he represents her "strength." Together, they are one single person. The Shadow Realm is basically representing an internal state of loneliness and isolation, and the reason Freya and Vhaagar (the Shadow Lord) are separate is because there was an internal division in their original self. Freya chased after this false idea of a "soulmate" (hinted at when she goes to sleep on Days 5, 10, and 15) in order to run from her own pain and loneliness, while Vhaagar, her "strength," was left behind in the inner realm of their soul. All of the references to Heaven, Hell, Angels, Demons, are representative of an internal struggle. In the final part (3), Freya and Vhaagar will have to win over their own Shadow, the manifestation of their own pain caused by self-neglect.

So basically, the visual novel is really a subversion of the dating sim genre, since

the true love interest is the other half of herself which she left behind and neglected.

Freya's personality is supposed to be a bit vague/weak on purpose,

since she's in a broken state of being.

However, I wonder if it's too dull right now and if there's something I can do to make it more interesting while not changing the entire basis of the story.

I haven't been having too much difficulty writing the story (it's coming from internal experience), but I'm concerned that it isn't nuanced enough, Freya's personality is bad, and the story overall is boring. And it's my first time doing a map-based game, so I might be screwing something up there, too.
I'm wondering if I should scrap everything in the spoilers tag, and just do a more "normal" girl-meets-monster-boy type thing. It'll be way less unique, but easier to write well and more people might be able to get into it.

If anyone is willing to play at least some of the current WIP and give me some feedback, I would deeply appreciate it! Or if you have some ideas just from looking at the spoilers, let me know as well (like if the story idea just isn't good to begin with).

Game Demo Download:
Windows: https://drive.google.com/file/d/15OMJM- ... share_link
Mac: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jbH3ze ... sp=sharing

Since it's a map-based game, there are quite a few things you can't do yet.
Here is everything you currently CAN do:
- Cook every meal in the Kitchen and max out cooking level
- Read every book in the Library
- Go to Vhaagar (Shadow Lord)'s room and do all interactions including all gifts / discuss library topics
- Go to the Garden and pick a Black Flower to give as a gift to Vhaagar 3 times
- Watch Vhaagar's Day 3 Event (go to the Cabin on Day 3, it'll have a notification next to it)
- Watch Vhaagar's Day 7 Event (go to Shade Lounge)
- Common Event for Day 10 will happen automatically
- Watch Vhaagar's Day 11 Event (go to Cliff) - it is currently unfinished though and I'm thinking of re-writing some of it
- You can go to "Wolf's Room" but the scene is only partially finished

There is placement text when Freya cooks any meal, and when she goes to sleep/wakes up every day.

[Nekhys]

Hello! I've read the demo, it was quite fun! I don't have any dev experience though, so this is just from the reader's perspective.

So I read the spoiler after finishing the demo, and

at that point I didn't have any clue, that Vhaagar and Freya were the same person. Vhaagar seemed to be more of a wise teacher figure. Out of the three (excluding the reasonable shadow), he also seems like the most balanced human being. Which does not seem consistent with his status as a Shadow Lord, and him being a part of a broken whole. If Freya lacks his strength, perhaps he should also lack her heart? For example, he could be more cold and indifferent towards the shadows at first, and Freya could help them bond?

And I agree that Freya's personality is somewhat lacking at this point. It's very hard to establish her character and motivations without her memories. She seems right at home with her prince and little shadows eating licorice, and I'm not sure why she should ever go back to the human world. Vhaagar's telling her to move on, but it doesn't sound very convincing, considering he himself is perfectly content with living in the shadow realm forever. And, honestly, I don't blame them, the castle is veryyy comfy~
I don't think you have to rewrite anything though, maybe just add dreams or flashbacks to the past every few days? Something nice and bright, that could never exist in the shadow realm; establish, that human world is objectively better (e.g. Freya had a puppy, and she misses him). Then you could kill that light off to create the main conflict (e.g. the puppy was ran over by a car. Maybe throw her parents under the car as well, just for good measure ). And maybe you could also make the choice of love interest reflect how Freya deals with her trauma (hell=get revenge, shadow=shut herself away from people, human/heaven=forgive).

Though you probably already planned all that development for the next chapters. I just think, that so far you have a lot of world-building and bonding, but not quite enough main events (like day 10 fight) or character establishment. Broken Freya and secretive Vhaagar are kind of chilling in the background, fighting over the meatballs, leaving the Woof as the only proactive player Even if you aren't ready for any major reveals, I think a nightmare about Vhaagar fighting <unknown>, and just describing his feelings/thoughts/worldview at that point would really help to catch reader's attention and maintain the mystery.

Anyway, love the world that you've built, and hope to see more of it in the future!

[AmityAngel]

Hello! I've read the demo, it was quite fun! I don't have any dev experience though, so this is just from the reader's perspective...

Thank you so much for taking the time to play through it! This is some great feedback, exactly what I was looking for.

I see, interesting! Perhaps the few clues I've dropped so far are a bit too nuanced, then? Though it wasn't my intention to fully reveal that they're the same person until after 2/3 through the game, so it probably is fine if the reader can't tell yet.

But, making Vhaagar seem colder, that's a great idea, honestly. I can see how Vhaagar seems way too open and friendly to be a Shadow Lord... ^^; (in fact, in the game's lore, Shadow Lords are supposed to be very distant and more similar to the shades) Though instead of making Vhaagar and the shades more distant, it would probably make sense to have them be more wary of Freya. Actually, that was the original idea I had, so I was reminded of that with this advice, thank you.

Haha, indeed, the Shadow World definitely does seem nicer than the human world, huh? ^^; Now I realize that will become an issue later on...
I definitely need to add more flashbacks for sure!

Everything else is also very sound advice, and I'll definitely try and implement it. I may need to re-write a good chunk of the story though, haha, because you're absolutely on to something that Vhaagar is a bit too friendly/chill. xD But at least I can fix it now before I had written another several hours.
Again, thank you so much!!