Details for the game can be found here: http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=13293
I'm looking for help with Proofreading.
I will give anyone that makes corrections that are used credit as a proofreader for the project.
The game is currently text only.
If you're willing, please play through and tell me of any mistakes or awkward phrasing.
If you give the text where the error is, I will be able to change it in the game.
I'm looking for proofreading because I realized I couldn't do it by myself and because I'm focusing on writing up more content.
Current length: 30,673 words
UPDATE: Please PM suggested revisions instead of posting them here. Thanks!
PM me for a current version.
I will update this as I increase content.
Proofreaders - SvenTheViking, Reikun, DragoonHP, MusicaFate, ebi brain
(these people will be credited when the project is finished)
An example of a decent error report would be:
Word Ommited: "I walk down school grounds and see him." Suggested: "I walk down to the school grounds and see him."
Another example would be:
Awkward Phrasing: "Poorly Phrased Sentence" Suggested: "This is better"
It is very important that the mistake is typed exactly the way it appears in the game (including capitalization) so that I can find it and fix it.
The "suggestions" aren't mandatory, but they can help me understand what is wrong with that section.
Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.5
-
redeyesblackpanda
- Eileen-Class Veteran
- Posts: 1006
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:26 am
- Projects: Eternal Memories, plot bunnies that won't die.
- Organization: HellPanda Studios
- Location: United States
- Contact:
Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.5
Last edited by redeyesblackpanda on Wed Feb 01, 2012 4:51 am, edited 14 times in total.
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
-
redeyesblackpanda
- Eileen-Class Veteran
- Posts: 1006
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 4:26 am
- Projects: Eternal Memories, plot bunnies that won't die.
- Organization: HellPanda Studios
- Location: United States
- Contact:
Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
v 0.4 has been uploaded. Please test the most recent version. Notable bug fixes include the Kiyomi path definition bug and some typos.
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
-
MusicaFate
- Regular
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:17 pm
- Organization: Hime*Ko Productions
- Contact:
Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Lint -
I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
While loading the script.
-- Full Traceback ------------------------------------------------------------
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\bootstrap.py", line 279, in bootstrap
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\main.py", line 177, in main
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 494, in load_script
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 168, in __init__
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 379, in load_appropriate_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 300, in load_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 278, in load_file_core
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
Line 65
"Eternal memories are not the memories you never forget, they are the memories you remember forever."
If they aren’t memories you don’t forget, how are they memories you remember? Isn’t that saying the same thing?
Line 68
"This is one such memory..."
“I recall such a memory, even if it wasn’t not yet long ago…”
^ I have no idea, but you can use it if you want…
This can be changed…but I don’t know how. It just…ruins the mood you set up…D: try to use that same tone. I might be wrong, but if you can’t think of anything…just keep it.
Line 81
“She’s a bunch of a tomboy”
This doesn’t make sense to me…”She’s beyond a tomboy” or “She’s a lot like a tomboy” or “She’s too much of a tomboy” or “She’s nothing like a “girl” at all! She’s so boyish!” or anything you want to change it to...but try using a different word.
Line 97
“She glares at me…”
That can be changed to “Oh crap, she’s glaring at me…’
Line 124
"I sent you letters, didn't you read them?"
“I sent you letters. Didn’t you read them?”
You don’t need a comma because that is a complete thought.
Line 135
You really look like a guy..."
“You really look like a gu-”
I personally think if you cut off what she is saying, it will add an effect that she got hurt.
I also think that you should have just written the same ending for each of them… you know using jump and what ever D: but ~ it’s your coding xD as long as it works
*note. I know this is a make believe world, but I must comment on the “photographic memory.” It’s nearly impossible to recall images from memory perfectly D:. Or from what I’ve read and very few people have it, so if she were to have it…wouldn’t she be some place “special” and for the “gifted” instead of wasting her good memory and recalling skills at a normal school? Or did she not tell her parents? IDK. It is a possibility for her to go to a regular school though.
Line 151
I suppose It's because we've known each other since we were very little."
^^ “I” shouldn’t be capitalized.
Line 154
"I do my homework, and she plays video games. When I finish, I join her."
“Usually, I do my homework while she plays video games. After I finish, I join her.”
D: “I join her” could be changed too…but eh, IDK. You don’t have to change this line, I just thought of a better one.
Line 156
"Her being a delinquent, it's bleached."
“It’s bleached because she is a delinquent.”
That sentence doesn’t make much sense… so I just switched it around.
Line 167
"I see her glaring at me."
“I catch her scowling at me”
You don’t have to change it. It’s just another sentence I edited.
Line 173
"It isn't awkward."
You don’t really need this line.
Line 175
"At the gates, we split up. We're in different classes."
“As soon as we reach the gates, we split up to go to our own classes.”
I thought that would be more fitting, but you don’t have to change it
Line 178
"We eat lunch together too. We don't eat alone though. We generally eat with Kimura."
“We also eat lunch together, but (usually) Kimura tags along and eats with us.”
You can combine the bolded sentences.
I don’t think you should use the word “generally.” Use usually, normally, typically, regularly, or any other word.
Line 186
“Kimura is also mine and Tanako's good friend. We’ve known each other since middle school."
It doesn’t make sense…”Tanako and I are good friends of Kimura since we’ve known each other since middle school” << You can change it to that.
Line 194 and 195
"I've reached homeroom. Kimura is also in my class."
"We enter the classroom."
You say “I’ve” but then it change to we? You haven’t established that you are alone…D: since Tachibana was talking to Kimura.
“Since Kimura is in my class, we walk towards homeroom together.” << that sounds so awkward, but somewhere along those lines…
Line 199
"Male Student"
You should make him Male student 2 or something different so the readers know he isn’t having a conversation with himself.
Line 202 and 203
"Female Student" "Hey, how's your Onee-san"
"Female Student" "Ne-chan? He's fine. Geez, are you still obsessing over him?"
Onee – sister , Onii – Brother, Nii-chan
Line 206
"This talk is just a bit annoying. I decide to try to ignore it."
You can combine the sentences.
“All the chatter is annoying so I decide to try to ignore it.”
Line 209
"Teacher" "Good morning class."
There should be a comma between morning and class because “good morning” is a greeting. Ex. - “Hi, Adam!”
Line 210
"Students" "Good morning Sensei."
Same concept as Line 209. Comma should be between morning and Sensei
Line 214
“I'm blush a little. The teachers always do this sort of thing."
LOL…. xD BLUSHING BOY FFF
Line 215
Most of my classmates understand by now that I'm not some sort of nerd”
By now, most of my classmates understand that I’m not some sort of nerd”
Just switching the words around to make it flowing.
Line 249 and Line 268
"He removes the lid and picks up a sausage."
"I swipe at the sausage sending it flying."
This all happens while the teacher is teaching? Wouldn’t he/ she notice? IDK.
Line 280
Sensei, how was your break?"
You haven’t indicated they were on break previously. Go change that so it is less confusing.
Line 311
“Yes, I'm talking to you, Minami-san"
You are missing a period.
Line 312
Where'd you come from."
The period should be a question mark.
Line 324
“Hello everybody!”
Hello is a greeting so there should be a comma between hello and everybody.
Line 346
"I've already looked at the book,
…He didn’t look at the book, he looked though the book :3
Line 354
"I spend the rest of class thinking about the transfer student."
If we know his thoughts, we should know exactly what his thoughts about her are, not what they are about. There are no signs of the narrator before speaking about the memory, so we should be some what reading his thoughts right?
Line 359
“Because I forgot my book, however, I can't take advantage of that privilege. “
… Can you do that? D: I don’t know…but you can change it to “But because I forgot my book, I can’t take advantage of that privilege.”
Line 366
"She's actually pretty soft, if you get to know her."
I wouldn’t use the word “soft” to describe her. LOL people like me go ideas xD…but use the word “kind” or “soft hearted” or “nice.”
Line 368
"Her fists tend to be pretty hard."
If you change line 366, change this line too.
Line 369
"I spend the rest of class wondering if the bruise on my head is visible."
As I said before, we are reading his thoughts so we should read about what he is exactly thinking, not what he is thinking about.
Line 464
I'm lucky that Takahashi isn't bothering me, why question this stroke of fortune?”
Replace the comma with a period. After that, capitalize “why”
Line 476
Below, I can see the students milling about below, like ants."
You don’t need the comma.
Line 574
d "Sakura-chan... could it be that you like Kan-kun too?"
Again, we are reading from the main character’s point of view. We shouldn’t be able to see this, but eh, I guess you can put it in. It’s your story.
Line 685
"That's good, because, there don't seem to be any left."
You don’t need that comma.
Line 777
a "Hey guy's, sorry I'm late."
You don’t need the apostrophe since you aren’t showing ownership or conjunctions.
Line 779
No it's not! You'll pay for this, nerd!"
There should be a comma between no and it’s.
*note I just noticed that Kiyomi is the one who responds for Minami…a few lines back…like in the 400’s Is it just me or you never said anything about Kiyomi o_o… besides that, if you don’t chose that one option to help her out, you wouldn’t have met her… Umm… You should fix that.
Line 796
"As she turns to me, though, I notice her glare at me.
Again ._. I don’t know if you can do that …
“She quickly turns back towards to and gives me a quick glare.”
Line 797
"If this girl was not here... I think I would be dead right now."
I personally think “this girl” should be changed to Inoue because he just found out her name. It would be just plain rude to call her that.
Line 839
b "They're in 3-B."
O: I’m taking that the classes are randomized… usually the top students are in the A or “S” class from my understanding. F class is the worst.
Line 881
"I resolve to read up on illnesses using my computer when I get home today."
That sentence sounds awkward, but I don’t know how to fix it at the moment.
Line 902
principal's office to get a spare uniform.
O_o’’ people go to the principal’s office to get those? Usually a kind office lady has one…or even the nurse D: but the principal… I think he/she is doing more important things.
Line 919 and Line 920
"Class is over."
"It's time for club activities."
You should say that classes are all over or something to indicate that it’s after school. I hope it is because club activities are usually held after school.
Line 1143
b "So, you guys are from the Fujimoto gang, aren't you..."
Again, first person~ but your story.
Line 1159
"Mom" "I was worried that you might have been one of them!"
Extra space between you and might.
Kay I'm off to sleep. OTL. xD It's not the best idea to proof read something at 6am in the morning...but this is just half of what I have left to read. If you don't agree with some changes, fine by me. These are just some suggestions. Match it up with the renpy script. ~! Have fun~
I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
While loading the script.
-- Full Traceback ------------------------------------------------------------
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\bootstrap.py", line 279, in bootstrap
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\main.py", line 177, in main
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 494, in load_script
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 168, in __init__
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 379, in load_appropriate_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 300, in load_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 278, in load_file_core
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
Line 65
"Eternal memories are not the memories you never forget, they are the memories you remember forever."
If they aren’t memories you don’t forget, how are they memories you remember? Isn’t that saying the same thing?
Line 68
"This is one such memory..."
“I recall such a memory, even if it wasn’t not yet long ago…”
^ I have no idea, but you can use it if you want…
This can be changed…but I don’t know how. It just…ruins the mood you set up…D: try to use that same tone. I might be wrong, but if you can’t think of anything…just keep it.
Line 81
“She’s a bunch of a tomboy”
This doesn’t make sense to me…”She’s beyond a tomboy” or “She’s a lot like a tomboy” or “She’s too much of a tomboy” or “She’s nothing like a “girl” at all! She’s so boyish!” or anything you want to change it to...but try using a different word.
Line 97
“She glares at me…”
That can be changed to “Oh crap, she’s glaring at me…’
Line 124
"I sent you letters, didn't you read them?"
“I sent you letters. Didn’t you read them?”
You don’t need a comma because that is a complete thought.
Line 135
You really look like a guy..."
“You really look like a gu-”
I personally think if you cut off what she is saying, it will add an effect that she got hurt.
I also think that you should have just written the same ending for each of them… you know using jump and what ever D: but ~ it’s your coding xD as long as it works
*note. I know this is a make believe world, but I must comment on the “photographic memory.” It’s nearly impossible to recall images from memory perfectly D:. Or from what I’ve read and very few people have it, so if she were to have it…wouldn’t she be some place “special” and for the “gifted” instead of wasting her good memory and recalling skills at a normal school? Or did she not tell her parents? IDK. It is a possibility for her to go to a regular school though.
Line 151
I suppose It's because we've known each other since we were very little."
^^ “I” shouldn’t be capitalized.
Line 154
"I do my homework, and she plays video games. When I finish, I join her."
“Usually, I do my homework while she plays video games. After I finish, I join her.”
D: “I join her” could be changed too…but eh, IDK. You don’t have to change this line, I just thought of a better one.
Line 156
"Her being a delinquent, it's bleached."
“It’s bleached because she is a delinquent.”
That sentence doesn’t make much sense… so I just switched it around.
Line 167
"I see her glaring at me."
“I catch her scowling at me”
You don’t have to change it. It’s just another sentence I edited.
Line 173
"It isn't awkward."
You don’t really need this line.
Line 175
"At the gates, we split up. We're in different classes."
“As soon as we reach the gates, we split up to go to our own classes.”
I thought that would be more fitting, but you don’t have to change it
Line 178
"We eat lunch together too. We don't eat alone though. We generally eat with Kimura."
“We also eat lunch together, but (usually) Kimura tags along and eats with us.”
You can combine the bolded sentences.
I don’t think you should use the word “generally.” Use usually, normally, typically, regularly, or any other word.
Line 186
“Kimura is also mine and Tanako's good friend. We’ve known each other since middle school."
It doesn’t make sense…”Tanako and I are good friends of Kimura since we’ve known each other since middle school” << You can change it to that.
Line 194 and 195
"I've reached homeroom. Kimura is also in my class."
"We enter the classroom."
You say “I’ve” but then it change to we? You haven’t established that you are alone…D: since Tachibana was talking to Kimura.
“Since Kimura is in my class, we walk towards homeroom together.” << that sounds so awkward, but somewhere along those lines…
Line 199
"Male Student"
You should make him Male student 2 or something different so the readers know he isn’t having a conversation with himself.
Line 202 and 203
"Female Student" "Hey, how's your Onee-san"
"Female Student" "Ne-chan? He's fine. Geez, are you still obsessing over him?"
Onee – sister , Onii – Brother, Nii-chan
Line 206
"This talk is just a bit annoying. I decide to try to ignore it."
You can combine the sentences.
“All the chatter is annoying so I decide to try to ignore it.”
Line 209
"Teacher" "Good morning class."
There should be a comma between morning and class because “good morning” is a greeting. Ex. - “Hi, Adam!”
Line 210
"Students" "Good morning Sensei."
Same concept as Line 209. Comma should be between morning and Sensei
Line 214
“I'm blush a little. The teachers always do this sort of thing."
LOL…. xD BLUSHING BOY FFF
Line 215
Most of my classmates understand by now that I'm not some sort of nerd”
By now, most of my classmates understand that I’m not some sort of nerd”
Just switching the words around to make it flowing.
Line 249 and Line 268
"He removes the lid and picks up a sausage."
"I swipe at the sausage sending it flying."
This all happens while the teacher is teaching? Wouldn’t he/ she notice? IDK.
Line 280
Sensei, how was your break?"
You haven’t indicated they were on break previously. Go change that so it is less confusing.
Line 311
“Yes, I'm talking to you, Minami-san"
You are missing a period.
Line 312
Where'd you come from."
The period should be a question mark.
Line 324
“Hello everybody!”
Hello is a greeting so there should be a comma between hello and everybody.
Line 346
"I've already looked at the book,
…He didn’t look at the book, he looked though the book :3
Line 354
"I spend the rest of class thinking about the transfer student."
If we know his thoughts, we should know exactly what his thoughts about her are, not what they are about. There are no signs of the narrator before speaking about the memory, so we should be some what reading his thoughts right?
Line 359
“Because I forgot my book, however, I can't take advantage of that privilege. “
… Can you do that? D: I don’t know…but you can change it to “But because I forgot my book, I can’t take advantage of that privilege.”
Line 366
"She's actually pretty soft, if you get to know her."
I wouldn’t use the word “soft” to describe her. LOL people like me go ideas xD…but use the word “kind” or “soft hearted” or “nice.”
Line 368
"Her fists tend to be pretty hard."
If you change line 366, change this line too.
Line 369
"I spend the rest of class wondering if the bruise on my head is visible."
As I said before, we are reading his thoughts so we should read about what he is exactly thinking, not what he is thinking about.
Line 464
I'm lucky that Takahashi isn't bothering me, why question this stroke of fortune?”
Replace the comma with a period. After that, capitalize “why”
Line 476
Below, I can see the students milling about below, like ants."
You don’t need the comma.
Line 574
d "Sakura-chan... could it be that you like Kan-kun too?"
Again, we are reading from the main character’s point of view. We shouldn’t be able to see this, but eh, I guess you can put it in. It’s your story.
Line 685
"That's good, because, there don't seem to be any left."
You don’t need that comma.
Line 777
a "Hey guy's, sorry I'm late."
You don’t need the apostrophe since you aren’t showing ownership or conjunctions.
Line 779
No it's not! You'll pay for this, nerd!"
There should be a comma between no and it’s.
*note I just noticed that Kiyomi is the one who responds for Minami…a few lines back…like in the 400’s Is it just me or you never said anything about Kiyomi o_o… besides that, if you don’t chose that one option to help her out, you wouldn’t have met her… Umm… You should fix that.
Line 796
"As she turns to me, though, I notice her glare at me.
Again ._. I don’t know if you can do that …
“She quickly turns back towards to and gives me a quick glare.”
Line 797
"If this girl was not here... I think I would be dead right now."
I personally think “this girl” should be changed to Inoue because he just found out her name. It would be just plain rude to call her that.
Line 839
b "They're in 3-B."
O: I’m taking that the classes are randomized… usually the top students are in the A or “S” class from my understanding. F class is the worst.
Line 881
"I resolve to read up on illnesses using my computer when I get home today."
That sentence sounds awkward, but I don’t know how to fix it at the moment.
Line 902
principal's office to get a spare uniform.
O_o’’ people go to the principal’s office to get those? Usually a kind office lady has one…or even the nurse D: but the principal… I think he/she is doing more important things.
Line 919 and Line 920
"Class is over."
"It's time for club activities."
You should say that classes are all over or something to indicate that it’s after school. I hope it is because club activities are usually held after school.
Line 1143
b "So, you guys are from the Fujimoto gang, aren't you..."
Again, first person~ but your story.
Line 1159
"Mom" "I was worried that you might have been one of them!"
Extra space between you and might.
Kay I'm off to sleep. OTL. xD It's not the best idea to proof read something at 6am in the morning...but this is just half of what I have left to read. If you don't agree with some changes, fine by me. These are just some suggestions. Match it up with the renpy script. ~! Have fun~
Free Artist. 
PM ME ?~
PM ME ?~-
ebi brain
- Regular
- Posts: 193
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:10 pm
- Organization: Zettai Rookie Project
- Contact:
Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
I notice water running from it.
???: Where did the water come from? Was she holding a bottle of water in the hand she was holding the rock in?
I’ve reached homeroom.
Suggestion : Since he is walking with Kimura, wouldn't it be better to say “we've reached homeroom”? Especially since they were having a conversation before getting there… Otherwise it kind of seems like he's ignoring Kimura.
Hey, how's your Onee-san
Suggestion : Needs a ? And also, shouldn't it be Onii-san?
Onee-san usually means sister.
I'm blushed a little
Better: I blushed a little.
Kan-bo –
???: What does the –bo part mean?
transfer student is definatly worth it.
Better: transfer student is definitely worth it.
Below, I can see the students milling about below, like ants.
Suggestion: Using below two times is a little redundant, pick one.
e "Minami's old man got transferred here."
"Minami nods."
a "Oh, what does your father do?"
e "Minami's father is a regional manager for a big supermarket branch."
I think the e should be changed to d ?
Touche
Better: Touché
"For a creepy, she sure knows how to cook well."
Better: "For a creep, she sure knows how to cook well."
"Shoot! I forgot to bring a lunch today!"
Better: "Shoot! I forgot to bring lunch today!" (leave out the a )
"I wait a minute longer, when whip myself up."
Better: "I wait a minute longer, then I whip myself up." ?
"It's nice to see you, Ken-kun."
Better: "It's nice to see you, Kan-kun."
b "To town, maybe too the park."
Better: b "To town, maybe to the park."
General suggestions/observations:
you use the word “ delinquent” an awful lot. Maybe try to change it into something else, depending on who's speaking so it will reflect their character better?
I was surprised that the first time his mom is worried about him, after seeing the news, she doesn't hug him with a death grip. From my experience, when moms are worried about you and fear the worst, the moment they see you walk through the door, they will HUG you (and sometimes even cry) lol.
Hope I could help!
???: Where did the water come from? Was she holding a bottle of water in the hand she was holding the rock in?
I’ve reached homeroom.
Suggestion : Since he is walking with Kimura, wouldn't it be better to say “we've reached homeroom”? Especially since they were having a conversation before getting there… Otherwise it kind of seems like he's ignoring Kimura.
Hey, how's your Onee-san
Suggestion : Needs a ? And also, shouldn't it be Onii-san?
Onee-san usually means sister.
I'm blushed a little
Better: I blushed a little.
Kan-bo –
???: What does the –bo part mean?
transfer student is definatly worth it.
Better: transfer student is definitely worth it.
Below, I can see the students milling about below, like ants.
Suggestion: Using below two times is a little redundant, pick one.
e "Minami's old man got transferred here."
"Minami nods."
a "Oh, what does your father do?"
e "Minami's father is a regional manager for a big supermarket branch."
I think the e should be changed to d ?
Touche
Better: Touché
"For a creepy, she sure knows how to cook well."
Better: "For a creep, she sure knows how to cook well."
"Shoot! I forgot to bring a lunch today!"
Better: "Shoot! I forgot to bring lunch today!" (leave out the a )
"I wait a minute longer, when whip myself up."
Better: "I wait a minute longer, then I whip myself up." ?
"It's nice to see you, Ken-kun."
Better: "It's nice to see you, Kan-kun."
b "To town, maybe too the park."
Better: b "To town, maybe to the park."
General suggestions/observations:
you use the word “ delinquent” an awful lot. Maybe try to change it into something else, depending on who's speaking so it will reflect their character better?
I was surprised that the first time his mom is worried about him, after seeing the news, she doesn't hug him with a death grip. From my experience, when moms are worried about you and fear the worst, the moment they see you walk through the door, they will HUG you (and sometimes even cry) lol.
Hope I could help!
Since I have our site RSI, I used speech recognition by, sometimes this means I'll make some mistakes. 
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
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DragoonHP
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Till the girl who dropped her books...
Code: Select all
"Her left hand begins to form a fist around the rock."
"I notice water running from it."
# ???
###########################
"Male Student" "It was good. We went to the United States and visited Disney World."
"Male Student" "It was more fun for my little sister." # ... my little sister though."
# It's more of a personnel preference but I think including though in the last sentence will be better... It will imply that the OP didn't enjoy the trip as much as her sister... which I think you are trying to imply here...
###########################
"This talk is just a bit annoying. I decide to try to ignore it."
#Perhaps...
"This talk is just a bit annoying; I decide to try to ignore them."
###########################
"I'm blush a little.
#"I blush a little.
###########################
"I didn't notice her before. I'm surprised.
#"I'm suprised I hadn't noticed her before.
############################
"Kimura is sitting beside me."
"I turn around and decide to strike up a conversation."
a "Hey, Kimura, how're you doing?"
c "Alright."
# I don't think the last two lines should be there because our OP has already met him before...
############################
"Teacher" "It was good."
"Teacher" "I'm glad you're in this class, Tachibana-kun."
"Teacher" "The other teachers are all very envious."
"Teacher" "You are a great student."
"Teacher" "I hope that you can help inspire your classmates to work as hard as you do."
"Teacher" "If you succeed, I'll probably get a raise."
"Teacher" "Anyway, just because you're at the top doesn't mean you can slack off."
"Teacher" "I expect you to continue getting 100s on all the tests."
"Teacher" "Make your parents and sensei proud, okay?"
# There was not a error persay, but I think it will be best if you don't use so many fullstops/ periods... It kind of breaks the flow of the entire thing...
#############################
"She's really piqued my interest."
#"She has really piqued up my interest."
#############################
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my book."
#What kind of book is he talking about? Is it a novel? if so, then it will be better if you replace the word book with novel...
#############################
"The transfer student seems to look relieved."
# "The transfer student seems relieved."
OR
# "The transfer student looks relieved."
#############################
Could I go to lunch with you and Minami-san?
# Could I eat lunch with you and Minami-san?
#############################
"I'm being to hard on her."
# "I'm being too hard on her."
#############################
"When we finish, there isn't enough room in her bag for all of her books."
# You might want to re-write this sentence...
#############################
"It seem she doesn't want to talk about it."
# "It seems she doesn't want to talk about it."
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redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
That's not good... :/ What version were you playing? Was it v0.4? I haven't encountered this error, but I'm working on figuring out what's wrong...MusicaFate wrote:Lint -
I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
While loading the script.
-- Full Traceback ------------------------------------------------------------
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\bootstrap.py", line 279, in bootstrap
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\main.py", line 177, in main
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 494, in load_script
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 168, in __init__
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 379, in load_appropriate_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 300, in load_file
File "C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\renpy-6.12.0\renpy\script.py", line 278, in load_file_core
AttributeError: 'Say' object has no attribute 'attributes'
Also, to everyone, thank you for all you've written so far. I'm working on it right now.
It seems the rock and water part threw off a lot of people. That's definitely not good, so I'm trying to change it. I was trying to show Tanako squeezing water from a rock and trying to allude to the phrase "You can't squeeze water from a stone." If anyone has suggestions for that, I'd be happy, because I'm a bit stuck on it at the moment.
Edit: DragoonHP suggested having the rock break. I'm thinking of doing something similar to that now...
Side note: I absolutely hate the first couple lines. I threw them in there when it started awkwardly, but it only sounded worse. I've been trying to figure out how to start the VN differently,
Edit: Gaah! I can't believe I used Onee instead of Onii! I feel pretty dumb,
@ MusicaFate Oh, also, the parts that the narrator isn't hearing are set off by an ellipsis. I'm thinking of blacking the scene, then making it appear again, or something like that. I would like to make these parts as natural as possible though, so if there's anything that you could suggest, I'll probably implement it. As for the note on classes, that's a good cultural note. Thanks for telling me. I didn't know this, but can't really change it, since I can't have Sabuko in the same class as the MC. I will use it in the future though!
@ ebi brain "-bo" is used with little boys.
I just fixed the e/d problem. That was probably confusing for a few people,
Last edited by redeyesblackpanda on Fri Jan 06, 2012 2:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
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Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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ebi brain
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
With the water and rock thing, I think you can make it work if you're a bit more descriptive....
Maybe something like ( I'm no writer so bear with me):
She's now gripping it so tight, that I swear, if a rock contained any amount of water, she would squeeze it right out.
?
Maybe something like ( I'm no writer so bear with me):
She's now gripping it so tight, that I swear, if a rock contained any amount of water, she would squeeze it right out.
?
Since I have our site RSI, I used speech recognition by, sometimes this means I'll make some mistakes.
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
-
redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Hm... I tried:
"Water runs down her hand..."
"It's coming from the rock?!"
Is that better?
"Water runs down her hand..."
"It's coming from the rock?!"
Is that better?
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
I decided that it's best to fix all the text written so far and to make sure I write better in the future. I took down the links in the regular page, but if there's still any errors that you notice in the files of v 0.4 that are provided here, please tell me. I'm working on writing it up and will hopefully have v 0.5 out within a week. Thank you for all your input so far! I may be a little less active on the forums for a bit, because I have a lot to polish...
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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ebi brain
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Take your time
It's better to slow down a bit than to rush it and completely burn out.
It's better to slow down a bit than to rush it and completely burn out.
Since I have our site RSI, I used speech recognition by, sometimes this means I'll make some mistakes.
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
My sketchbook - Come yell at me
-
redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
I'm taking my time. It should really take less than a week to polish what I have and come up with another day's worth of content. I'm doing this because it's fun for me too. I like it more than watching TV or playing video games.
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Heh... I finished proofing everything that I've done so far and made major changes to the text in terms of grouping and phrasing. Once I write up some new content, I'll post v 0.5 for review. Thanks for everything so far guys.
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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DragoonHP
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Since it's just text, I will advice you to just put up the script.rpy file here...
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redeyesblackpanda
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
Hm... what are the advantages of that? Does it make it easier to check?
(All projects currently on a hiatus of sorts. I blame life.)
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
Tsundere VN
Not really checking the forums any more due to time constraints, so if you want to contact me, PM. I'll get a notification and log in.
Also, I've been hit and run posting, which means I don't see many replies. If you want to respond to something I've said, also feel free to PM me.
NOTE: if you've got questions about vnovel or things like that, it's Leon that you should be contacting. Leon's been pretty much handling everything, but due to various reasons, I've had to withdraw entirely.
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MusicaFate
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Re: Eternal Memories: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.4
It's just a smaller file and we can all use the renpy program to read the script...Because "playing it" doesn't give us what number line it is so we can't tell you where exactly the mistake is~ and it's a smaller file = faster download. ^^
Oh, I'm still reading the second half of the script so... D: tell me what day you plan to release the new demo.
Oh, I'm still reading the second half of the script so... D: tell me what day you plan to release the new demo.
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