New Path: Proofreading and Testing Thread v 0.1

[redeyesblackpanda]

Details for the game can be found here: http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=13482
I'm looking for help with proofreading.
I will give anyone that makes corrections that are used credit as a proofreader for the project.
The game is currently text only.
If you're willing, please play through and tell me of any mistakes, inaccuracies, or awkward phrasing.
If you give the text where the error is, I will be able to change it in the game.

Current Version: v 0.1 (886 words)

These are the current files for testing:
Windows
Mac
Linux
script.rpy

I will update this as I increase content.

Proofreaders - Nightydreams
(these people will be credited when the project is finished)

I recommend checking the Eternal Memories Testing Thread for good examples of how to give corrections.

Unlike the Eternal Memories thread, please post corrections to this thread instead of PM. Thanks! ^_^

[Nightydreams]

Alright so I've just had quick read through it to see any mistakes or odd sentences that would immediately catch my eye.

Line 36-37
"Defense Attorney" "No, your honor."
"Prosecutor" "No, your honor."

I believe it would be prudent to change one of these lines too

"None, Your honor"

To stop needless repetition

Line 39
"Head Juror" "Your honor, we the jury find the defendant guilty on the count of second degree murder."

I think here you should add the name of the defendant if you are going for a proper court room scene (I assume you are trying to keep it as real as possible) so the new line would be

"Head Juror" "Your honor, we the jury find the defendant, Lance McCormick, guilty on the count of second degree murder."

Line 57
"Judge" "It is a program for youths like yourself. If you participate in it, you will not have to serve your sentence of ten years. Well, are you interested in taking part in this program?"

I'm not sure but something just doesn't sit right with me about this particular line. I think it is because I would have changed

"you will not have to serve your sentence of ten years"

To

"You will not be required to serve a sentence of ten years"

line 66
"\"An experimental program for troubled youths, New Path, has been started by James Lawrence. Its location is yet to be disclosed, but it will be somewhere in the county.\""

This is also A line I have some gripes with though I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because the part

"has been started by James Lawrence"

could be changed to

"developed and launched by James Lawrence"

The change helps preserve an air of professionalism which is what I seem to get from the rest of the writing.

line 68
"I guess I'm not going to find any more here, but I found out some useful information. I decide to do a search on this \"James Lawrence.\""

This particular line is a little jarring how it switches from present to past tense quite quickly here.

"I guess I'm not going to find any more here, but I found out some useful information."

I would change the line too help preserve a sense of time frame.

"I guess I'm not going to find any more here, but I did find out some useful information."

or

"I guess I'm not going to find any more here, but atleast I found out some useful information."

or

"I guess I'm not going to find any more here, but I found out some useful information atleast."

Line 68-69

I would add in another line here in between these two as the time between talking about finding information and actually getting the information is to small and may break the flow a little for readers, It certainly did for me.

Line 82
"I really deserve it. I killed someone. Someone with family, loved ones..."

This is a very small gripe and the sentence will work just fine without it but I personally would add a "though" into the line here

"I really deserve it though. I killed someone. Someone with family, loved ones..."

Line 83
"I try to force the thoughts of that day out of my head. I'm feeling a mix of guilt, and to my disgust, jealousy..."

"Mix" should really be "Mixture"

"I try to force the thoughts of that day out of my head. I'm feeling a mixture of guilt, and to my disgust, jealousy..."

Line 83 - 87

I would move line 83 to line 86 and move the rest up so that it sits ontop of line 87. This is to keep a floew of continous thought. The subject matter for both different thoughts is more coherent when the lines are moved around.

Thats about it for now, You don't have to listen to what I say really, since these are just suggestions. Good luck with development.

[redeyesblackpanda]

Thanks for all this! I'll work this stuff in tomorrow (it's late here). The think I felt most awkward about writing was the court proceedings, because I don't really have experience with that sort of the (through television or real life).

[Nightydreams]

Thanks for all this! I'll work this stuff in tomorrow (it's late here). The think I felt most awkward about writing was the court proceedings, because I don't really have experience with that sort of the (through television or real life).

No problem, I will continue proof reading your work for as long as possible to allow you a lighter workload, I will be looking forward to more releases!

[redeyesblackpanda]

I'll work this stuff in tomorrow

I think I need a proofreader for my posts, It's so late here that it's early...

Thanks! I'll try to update this project frequently.

[Red Lilies]

Just did a fast read through.

Line 67
Possibly a nit pick, but...

“FFA has announced a new program to…”
Might want to mention what the FFA is. Some people wouldn’t know about Future Farmers of America, and in my experience, news articles usually write out an organization the first time it is mentioned, then abbreviate after.


Line 80
“Well, that wasn’t much, but I think I understand this “New Path” thing is a little better.”
I believe you either meant to say
“Well, that wasn’t much, but I think I understand this “New Path” thing a little better.” No is.
Or if the statement is supposed to be suggesting the New Path is a little better than ten years prison time, you may want to rewrite the sentence to make that clear.
“Well, that wasn’t much, but I think I understand this “New Path” thing is a little better than ten years in prison.” – or something to that effect.

Hope this helps.