(Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

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Lina
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(Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

#1 Post by Lina » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:18 am

So, this is the first time I’m doing a visual novel and it’s also the first time that I’m using Ren’Py. I just finished my first chapter and I’m looking for feedback. What do you like? What don’t you like? Any help is appreciated: ). The text is about 1,000 words long and will probably take you about 5 to 7 minutes to read. So, if you have the spare time to take a look at my novel, it would be great!
The novel was originally written in German but a friend of mine did a terrific job translating it into English. It’s called “The summer of the Eagle” and it’s a coming-of-age-story about a dreamy boy who has to learn to stand up to his strict father. This is not a stand alone chapter and it will need continuation. However, with a little feedback I could improve my novel, so even if this is not a fully completed story yet, please comment on it :).

Download the english version here.
Download the German version here.
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Story
A year ago, Kory’s father had to move because of a job offer and took his son with him. While his father seems to do just fine, Kory has trouble settling in. Until one of the other students tells him about an interesting projects…

I don’t want to go too much into detail since the chapter isn’t very long and I don’t won’t to spoil the whole story.
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Characters

Credits for sprites and images go to papawsnancy and catdodo.

Kory (16), male, often has the feeling that he doesn’t fit it, except in his swim team. He’s an excellent swimmer and likes the cool water a lot, because it helps to clear his mind. Otherwise, he is a shy person who doesn’t go out much and spends a lot of time studying.

Akira(16), male, is a daredevil who tries out the craziest things. He knows many people and definitely spends more time chatting with them then with his studies. He looks at the world with certain curiosity and gets never tired of simply trying things out.

Kory’s father, Robert (41), male, is a very ambitious man. In some quite moments, he asks himself if his ambition drove away his wife or if he became so ambitious, because his wife had left him.

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Last edited by Lina on Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: (Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

#2 Post by Funnyguts » Mon Jan 23, 2012 7:13 pm

I'd help out, but your links go to Megaupload. Can you re-upload them somewhere else? Also, is the version you've uploaded for all OSes, or just Windows? I'd prefer an all OS build, or a Linux one.
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Lina
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Re: (Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

#3 Post by Lina » Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:22 am

Yes, of course. I'm sorry, I was busy and kind of forgot to update the links. But I fixed them now :).

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Re: (Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

#4 Post by Anna » Sun Jan 29, 2012 10:57 am

Maybe this is just me, but the character sprite seems to be positioned very low, which makes him seem very short. To fix this you would probably have to either make him bigger/nearer or show more of his body/move the sprite up.

An example for the first is something like this: http://shimmie.shishnet.org/v2/_images/ ... enshot.jpg

Lina
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Re: (Looking for feedback) The Summer of the Eagle (Demo)

#5 Post by Lina » Sun Feb 05, 2012 12:47 pm

Sorry, that I haven't answered before but I was caught up in a lot of work. Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the character sprites are too. Compared with your example they seem to be too small, so making them bigger should indeed fix that poblem :).

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