Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

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Hijiri
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Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

#1 Post by Hijiri »

Link to all versions here
Any and all feedback is aprecciated :)
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papillon
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Re: Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

#2 Post by papillon »

Some quick notes:

There's a space missing in the early text "fade awayas the room"

I'd also argue that 'twirled' is a very odd word choice for the circumstances. Twirled suggests ballerinas, children, giddiness, happiness.

'hayzel' is not the correct spelling. neither is 'dissapointment'.

There are a lot of strange wordings and inconsistent narrative viewpoints. It would be a good idea to get someone to proofread and edit the script. It's much harder to note down every small problem once it's already inside the game.

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Hijiri
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Re: Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

#3 Post by Hijiri »

papillon wrote:Some quick notes:

There's a space missing in the early text "fade awayas the room"

I'd also argue that 'twirled' is a very odd word choice for the circumstances. Twirled suggests ballerinas, children, giddiness, happiness.

'hayzel' is not the correct spelling. neither is 'dissapointment'.

There are a lot of strange wordings and inconsistent narrative viewpoints. It would be a good idea to get someone to proofread and edit the script. It's much harder to note down every small problem once it's already inside the game.
Thank you! I'll be sure get a proofreader before I release to the masses next time.

And yeah, my "raw" writing ain't going to win any awards anytime soon. >>;
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Re: Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

#4 Post by VocaloidsRCool »

May you please put a progress report so we know how much is done? Only if you want to of course.

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Hijiri
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Re: Automaton: Memories of a Broken Girl [GxB] Demo

#5 Post by Hijiri »

I'm redoing the whole thing since the original way I had the story go was a bit, ok I'll be honest, stupid. So the demo is outdated. Might finish it sometime later. We'll see...
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