Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow[BxG][Romance,Comedy,Drama] Alpha

[Takanashi]

Ah, sorry, I missed the tweet yesterday! Both the link you posted on Twitter and the link above work. I'll go actually play the game now!

I'm glad it works!!
I'll update it in the webpage then

[wakagana]

The mac demo doesn't work on my MacBook Pro with Lion OSX 10.7.4
It goes black and I can hear the music and the hover sounds... until I happen to click something and it fades back to my screen, closing itself. No idea what's wrong >_o

I'll try the Windows demo now and run it in Parallels.

^^^ Same issue here. : (

[Takanashi]

The mac demo doesn't work on my MacBook Pro with Lion OSX 10.7.4
It goes black and I can hear the music and the hover sounds... until I happen to click something and it fades back to my screen, closing itself. No idea what's wrong >_o

I'll try the Windows demo now and run it in Parallels.

^^^ Same issue here. : (

It's really bizarre, I really have no idea whats causing it :\
I will release a special version with the default renpy menu to try to bypass that problem if needed.

In the meanwhile you can try the solution that Deji found. She noticed that the problem only happens when you start the game fullscreen. If you make it window mode and exit, renpy will remember the definition and can now re-execute it and see the menu. You can even go fullscreen and it will work, you will just have to remember to choose window mode before you quit.

Tell me if it works, if not I'll try to release that other 'simpler menu' version tomorrow

[apricotorange]

My biggest criticism of what you have so far is that it seems very bland. This applies to the graphics, the music, and the script. It not that it's bad quality; there just isn't anything that I won't forget tomorrow.

The main character seems to spend way too much time talking to himself about himself. Basically, you could cut the entire part from when he wakes up in the morning on the first day until he meets the first girl without losing much.

Your story is written in English, not Japanese; using Japanese honorifics and random Japanese words is generally distracting.

There are spelling mistakes, bad grammar, and generally awkward phrasing all over the place; I know it's an "alpha", but it makes for a bad first impression.

Specific comments:
Firefly scene:
Using rollback during the firefly scene apparently kills all the fireflies.
"I feel that I'm slowly fleeting away": fleeting isn't a verb.
In general, there's a lot of awkward phrasing and overuse of ellipses.
It's using renpy.pause() way too frequently (waiting without showing text); it gets annoying quickly.

Day 1:
There isn't enough padding on the right side of the text box.
More ellipsis abuse.
"the major part of the buildings"?
"flocking with students" *filled with students
"I end up oversleeping for most of the days" *I end up oversleeping most days
"It's amazing how extra ten minutes" *an extra
"Doing this on the summer" *in the summer
"I can feel already the sweat" *already feel
"Sunday's weren't usually that active" *Sundays
"I should spring myself" (delete "myself")
"That could be explained by the dinner" *diner
"Even being far from a prosperous business"?
(I stopped noting stuff here)

[Takanashi]

@apricotorange

I already fixed the rollback problem, same as the padding issue. The ellipsis and honorofics abuse is something that I will also correct for the final version.
About the grammar errors, as it was already mentioned several times in this topic, I'll improve this point to an extreme in the final version.

"The main character seems to spend way too much time talking to himself about himself. Basically, you could cut the entire part from when he wakes up in the morning on the first day until he meets the first girl without losing much."
Sorry but you lost me here.
There is a story to be told from Yusuke POV. Establishing his daily routines, background story, character type and friends, seems all too important for me to disregard it.
It's a slice of life.

Too bad you didn't found anything positive about it, but I still appreciate the feedback, thanks for playing it.

[apricotorange]

Sorry but you lost me here. There is a story to be told from Yusuke POV. Establishing his daily routines, background story, character type and friends, seems all too important for me to disregard it. It's a slice of life.

Hmm... that didn't come out right. I didn't mean to suggest you should cut the material completely, just that you're introducing it in a way that's too dense. You're spending too much time describing things, when you should be introducing them in other ways. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing his part-time job; bring it up when it starts to matter, during the interaction with Souta about money. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing his morning routine; describe each morning as it comes, and the reader will get the idea after a few days. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing Souta; it seems like it would flow better if you cut everything between the end of Souta's description of the encounter with Aikawa and getting shushed by the class representative (and maybe move the anecdote somewhere else). You don't need to spend so much time describing how boring the principal's speech is; we got that it was boring the first time Yusuke started whispering to Souta. Do all of that, and Yusuke's morning is shorter and less dense without actually missing anything interesting.

(What I was trying to get at originally was: what if you started Day 1 the second time Yusuke wakes up, and shuffled around the other material to compensate? Once things are happening, it's much harder to fall into the trap of spending too much time in descriptions.)


Also, I think the tone of my comments came out a bit more negative than I meant; you're doing pretty well. Both sequences involving Yusuke's sister are shaping up well, and the cafeteria description was amusing. I just wish you hadn't decided to center your story around a Japanese high-schooler living in a suburban neighborhood, because it's been done to death.

[DeeKay]

Don't worry, your input is much appreciated ! About all the writing stuff, I rushed it to meet the deadline but as things were piling up, it did feel like it would need a more thorough approach. If anything, this will be helpful in coming up with a good workflow

[Takanashi]

Hmm... that didn't come out right. I didn't mean to suggest you should cut the material completely, just that you're introducing it in a way that's too dense. You're spending too much time describing things, when you should be introducing them in other ways. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing his part-time job; bring it up when it starts to matter, during the interaction with Souta about money. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing his morning routine; describe each morning as it comes, and the reader will get the idea after a few days. Yusuke spends a bunch of time describing Souta; it seems like it would flow better if you cut everything between the end of Souta's description of the encounter with Aikawa and getting shushed by the class representative (and maybe move the anecdote somewhere else). You don't need to spend so much time describing how boring the principal's speech is; we got that it was boring the first time Yusuke started whispering to Souta. Do all of that, and Yusuke's morning is shorter and less dense without actually missing anything interesting.

(What I was trying to get at originally was: what if you started Day 1 the second time Yusuke wakes up, and shuffled around the other material to compensate? Once things are happening, it's much harder to fall into the trap of spending too much time in descriptions.)

Hm, I see where you are getting at and they are very valid points, thanks for the advice.
I'm already trying to condense the scenes, but deconstructing them and reconstructing again is proving harder that I originally thought. Reshuffling some of the scenes might solve some of my predicaments, actually.

Also, I think the tone of my comments came out a bit more negative than I meant; you're doing pretty well. Both sequences involving Yusuke's sister are shaping up well, and the cafeteria description was amusing. I just wish you hadn't decided to center your story around a Japanese high-schooler living in a suburban neighborhood, because it's been done to death.

Oh, thanks! My perception was that you had disliked it for the most part, I'm glad that it is not the case then.

In the beginning I thought a lot about that issue actually, about the japanese high-schooler setting, if I should really go in that direction or stray from it.
In the end, even though I knew the risks(people being tired from the setting, for example), I still wanted to do it no matter what, I just really wanted to write this story.

[wakagana]

No luck on my end in being able to get it into windowed mode :\ Grr.

[Samu-kun]

Fabulous work.

The art quality is stunning. The story is engaging and I found the girls so far to be likable, at least from a visual standpoint. The criticism I have is that the characters in the backgrounds look nothing like the character sprites. I would also really appreciate it if the message box didn't disappear after every three lines, since the constant clicking in annoying.

Please keep in the Japanese honorifics. I actually advise adding more Japanese terminology for this game, since certain lines make more sense in Japanese than in English. "I'm home" is somewhat of a crude translation of "tadaima." "I'm home" in English is a way of announcing to family members you've returned. Tadaima is somewhat more of a religious rite which is followed just because you have been trained to say it since birth by tradition - at least that's what I imagine occurred with the protagonist's family. I don't think the protagonist would say tadaima after entering an empty room unless saying it has been religiously enforced since his birth. "I'm home" just doesn't convey that same contextual meaning, since no sane Westerner would say "I'm home" upon entering a house he knows to be empty. However, I imagine a Japanese person may say "tadaima" simply out of tradition and honor for his parents' teachings. The fact that the protagonist says "tadaima" alone is a snippet of the protag's back story.
If you use Japanese terminology well, it really adds a lot of meaning which would otherwise take entire paragraphs of English to explain. That's the great thing about the Japanese language.

Overall, the work was visually fabulous. I'm kind of sad that the final work will be commercial and that will limit the potential audience. But alas, I guess art like that isn't cheap. My biggest complaint was that I wanted more! The demo was too damned short. :3

[Takanashi]

No luck on my end in being able to get it into windowed mode :\ Grr.

I'm sorry about that, I'll try rebuilding it with Ren'Py 6.13. On the weekend I'll release a patched version of the game with some fixes and I'll release the mac version on 6.13.

Fabulous work.

The art quality is stunning. The story is engaging and I found the girls so far to be likable, at least from a visual standpoint. The criticism I have is that the characters in the backgrounds look nothing like the character sprites. I would also really appreciate it if the message box didn't disappear after every three lines, since the constant clicking in annoying.

Please keep in the Japanese honorifics. I actually advise adding more Japanese terminology for this game, since certain lines make more sense in Japanese than in English. "I'm home" is somewhat of a crude translation of "tadaima." "I'm home" in English is a way of announcing to family members you've returned. Tadaima is somewhat more of a religious rite which is followed just because you have been trained to say it since birth by tradition - at least that's what I imagine occurred with the protagonist's family. I don't think the protagonist would say tadaima after entering an empty room unless saying it has been religiously enforced since his birth. "I'm home" just doesn't convey that same contextual meaning, since no sane Westerner would say "I'm home" upon entering a house he knows to be empty. However, I imagine a Japanese person may say "tadaima" simply out of tradition and honor for his parents' teachings. The fact that the protagonist says "tadaima" alone is a snippet of the protag's back story.
If you use Japanese terminology well, it really adds a lot of meaning which would otherwise take entire paragraphs of English to explain. That's the great thing about the Japanese language.

Overall, the work was visually fabulous. I'm kind of sad that the final work will be commercial and that will limit the potential audience. But alas, I guess art like that isn't cheap. My biggest complaint was that I wanted more! The demo was too damned short. :3

Thanks for the compliments!!!

I've been cleaning a lot of the pauses that I had inserted(especially on the lake scene), trying to make everything more fluid and avoid the unecessary clicks. I really went overboard on this one:\

About the honorifics, It's a tough decision. I also like them a lot, especially when trying to show subtle things about relationships(respect, seniority, etc). If I had to remove them from the game I would have to adjust some passings in order to maintain the context.
For now I'm writing them as I already was from the beginning. When I finish the script, I'll review this point, since it seems to be a important point for many.
I wonder if having an option in the beginning to turn them ON/OFF would be too silly lol. Since there are people who like them and people who don't, it might actually be a good solution


Thanks for playing it and I'm glad you enjoyed it!!

[DeeKay]

I found the girls so far to be likable, at least from a visual standpoint.

Who's your favorite ? * intense gaze *

I wonder if having an option in the beginning to turn them ON/OFF would be too silly lol. Since there are people who like them and people who don't, it might actually be a good solution

Hmm... it could be done, it would just need extra care. You're probably going to hate me for saying this again but it's all about balance ^^'

[Takanashi]

Balance is the reason I'm thinking in doing the option in the first place

[Nimuell]

I don't even know how I missed it, shame on me, shame!
I'll play it ASAP.

[Takanashi]

I don't even know how I missed it, shame on me, shame!
I'll play it ASAP.

Oh! I'll be waiting for feedback