Re: Doppelganger Dawn of the Inverted Soul-Demo+Beta Recruit
Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 11:31 pm
Thank you sooooo much!!!!! I hope this does the trick. 
Well onto the rest:
Well, during the part when someone opened the door for Lucia, she stated "Whoever that is, has gone away." When it should've been. "Whoever that was, has gone away." Oh, and Jun should've said, when she was speaking to Lucia's mother in the hallway, "Anastasia and her friends are mean to her." Not "Anastasia and her friends were mean to her." Unless you are talking about the one attack, that is. If not, then it seems better to say it's ongoing.
Oh, and when Lucia and her family were walking to the principal's office, Lucia could've said "I was never well liked around here, anyway." Even though the sentence is right. Just a little suggestion.
Another thing. When Anastasia was speaking to Helen and Karen, she stated "All this whining makes me want to go to the bathroom." When it could be more fluent, by saying "All this whining is making me want to go to the bathroom." Just a thought, really. Another thing, when Anastasia was looking for the restroom. It could've been this "Anastasia walked for a little while, before finding the bathroom door in the darkness." But, it's still minor. One more tiny thing. This could've been stated. When Helen and Karen ran away. "Ignoring Karen's protests, Helen ran away, dragging Karen along behind her. Thus, leaving Anastasia alone in the bathroom." It's easier and more fluent.
One more thing. It's minor and doesn't need changed if it doesn't need to be. But, the scene with Anastasia in the bathroom. Right before the attack. She thought in her mind. "But she wasn't that girl anymore, she had changed." It could've been. "But she wasn't that girl anymore, she has changed." Another thing during that scene, it could've been. "Unlike Lucia Nicol, she was able to hold the power at school, have a boyfriend, all while getting closer to her idol...".
Oh, and again, in that scene, It was stated this "She turned around, and saw the smiling. horror emitting a strong murderous intent." That just didn't make any sense. Smiling what? Horror should've been capitalized. And that sentence didn't make sense either. Sorry. Another sentence that didn't make sense "The creature laughed. It was twisted, eerie sound that terrified Anastasia." When it should've been. "The creature laughed. It was a twisted, eerie sound that terrified Anastasia." Still minor, though.
Right after the attack, when all the students were gathered around, Lucia's named changed green again. Example: "E-Excuse me, did something happen?". The same mossy green, and right after, it turned back to red. And was it meant, when the one student before the scene that shows what happened to Anastasia, the person said "That's...Ann, right!?" Or did you mean, "That's...Anastasia, right?".
Right after that scene. The one in the park, Lucia thought this "Anastasia was badly injured by someone. Someone hated her so much that they did this to her." When it would be easier on the lips to say "Anastasia was badly injured by someone. Someone that hated her so much, they would something like this to her." Just a thought. During the same scene, when Clifford shows up, it would've been better for Lucia to say "What!? How do you do that!?" Present tense, since it is happening at that moment, no? Past tense is how it's put at the moment.
I'm sorry for all these little nips at things. But, when Lucia's mother asks her to take a cake over to Ignatius's house, she states this "Can you send this cake to our new neighbor?" Neighbor is when one person is living there. And since it was established that Ignatius is living there also. It should be "Can you send this cake to our new neighbors.". Also the next sentence after, should be "It'll give you a chance to meet Ignatius, and make new friends!".
One thing, during the meeting with Ignatius. Lucia stated "It's pleasure to meet you, Ignatius!" When it should be. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Ignatius!". Also, in the same scene, Ignatius stated "It was very horrible scene, wasn't it?" When it should be. "It was a very horrible scene, wasn't it?".
In the next scene, the one when Lucia comes home and her mother shooed her away. It's stated this way "She shooed me away right soon afterwards, saying I should rest after all that had happened today..." When it should be this way "My mother shooed me away soon after, saying I should rest after all that had happened today..." Just establishes that her mother is talking to her.
It turned green again. Lucia's name turned mossy green once again, on Thursday. The morning. Right before Lee calls. Example: "Ehh? Who is that?". Then another thing, nothing was explained when Lee called. Did she pick up her phone or what? Oh, and also, during that scene, the phone call with Lee. Lee states this "I asked them as well, but they insisted that it's essential for all the students can learn how to write proper essays." When it should be."I asked them as well, but they insisted that it's essential for all the students to learn how to write proper essays." Can doesn't sound right in that sentence. Right before Lucia calls Blake, In the scene she does, Lee says "Your welcome." When it should be "You're welcome." Minor error.
In the scene where Lucia goes to the gemini cafe, also where she runs into Raphael, she thinks this "Aaargh, am I thinking?" When maybe it should be, "Aaargh, what am I thinking?". With the same scene, when she meets Blake and Lee at the cafe, when she first spots Blake, she states that he is blonde haired. But, actually, his hair is purple. Isn't it? During that same scene, Blake says this "At any rate, let's just sit down there." When it's better to say. "At this rate, let's just sit down there."
That's all I really saw that was wrong. Nothing too big or major. I mean there were a few more grammar things, but nothing that was too noticeable. But, I could send those errors to you, also. If you would like.
I can do it tomorrow, but tonight I have English homework...Sad weekend. -.-
Well onto the rest:
Well, during the part when someone opened the door for Lucia, she stated "Whoever that is, has gone away." When it should've been. "Whoever that was, has gone away." Oh, and Jun should've said, when she was speaking to Lucia's mother in the hallway, "Anastasia and her friends are mean to her." Not "Anastasia and her friends were mean to her." Unless you are talking about the one attack, that is. If not, then it seems better to say it's ongoing.
Oh, and when Lucia and her family were walking to the principal's office, Lucia could've said "I was never well liked around here, anyway." Even though the sentence is right. Just a little suggestion.
Another thing. When Anastasia was speaking to Helen and Karen, she stated "All this whining makes me want to go to the bathroom." When it could be more fluent, by saying "All this whining is making me want to go to the bathroom." Just a thought, really. Another thing, when Anastasia was looking for the restroom. It could've been this "Anastasia walked for a little while, before finding the bathroom door in the darkness." But, it's still minor. One more tiny thing. This could've been stated. When Helen and Karen ran away. "Ignoring Karen's protests, Helen ran away, dragging Karen along behind her. Thus, leaving Anastasia alone in the bathroom." It's easier and more fluent.
One more thing. It's minor and doesn't need changed if it doesn't need to be. But, the scene with Anastasia in the bathroom. Right before the attack. She thought in her mind. "But she wasn't that girl anymore, she had changed." It could've been. "But she wasn't that girl anymore, she has changed." Another thing during that scene, it could've been. "Unlike Lucia Nicol, she was able to hold the power at school, have a boyfriend, all while getting closer to her idol...".
Oh, and again, in that scene, It was stated this "She turned around, and saw the smiling. horror emitting a strong murderous intent." That just didn't make any sense. Smiling what? Horror should've been capitalized. And that sentence didn't make sense either. Sorry. Another sentence that didn't make sense "The creature laughed. It was twisted, eerie sound that terrified Anastasia." When it should've been. "The creature laughed. It was a twisted, eerie sound that terrified Anastasia." Still minor, though.
Right after the attack, when all the students were gathered around, Lucia's named changed green again. Example: "E-Excuse me, did something happen?". The same mossy green, and right after, it turned back to red. And was it meant, when the one student before the scene that shows what happened to Anastasia, the person said "That's...Ann, right!?" Or did you mean, "That's...Anastasia, right?".
Right after that scene. The one in the park, Lucia thought this "Anastasia was badly injured by someone. Someone hated her so much that they did this to her." When it would be easier on the lips to say "Anastasia was badly injured by someone. Someone that hated her so much, they would something like this to her." Just a thought. During the same scene, when Clifford shows up, it would've been better for Lucia to say "What!? How do you do that!?" Present tense, since it is happening at that moment, no? Past tense is how it's put at the moment.
I'm sorry for all these little nips at things. But, when Lucia's mother asks her to take a cake over to Ignatius's house, she states this "Can you send this cake to our new neighbor?" Neighbor is when one person is living there. And since it was established that Ignatius is living there also. It should be "Can you send this cake to our new neighbors.". Also the next sentence after, should be "It'll give you a chance to meet Ignatius, and make new friends!".
One thing, during the meeting with Ignatius. Lucia stated "It's pleasure to meet you, Ignatius!" When it should be. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Ignatius!". Also, in the same scene, Ignatius stated "It was very horrible scene, wasn't it?" When it should be. "It was a very horrible scene, wasn't it?".
In the next scene, the one when Lucia comes home and her mother shooed her away. It's stated this way "She shooed me away right soon afterwards, saying I should rest after all that had happened today..." When it should be this way "My mother shooed me away soon after, saying I should rest after all that had happened today..." Just establishes that her mother is talking to her.
It turned green again. Lucia's name turned mossy green once again, on Thursday. The morning. Right before Lee calls. Example: "Ehh? Who is that?". Then another thing, nothing was explained when Lee called. Did she pick up her phone or what? Oh, and also, during that scene, the phone call with Lee. Lee states this "I asked them as well, but they insisted that it's essential for all the students can learn how to write proper essays." When it should be."I asked them as well, but they insisted that it's essential for all the students to learn how to write proper essays." Can doesn't sound right in that sentence. Right before Lucia calls Blake, In the scene she does, Lee says "Your welcome." When it should be "You're welcome." Minor error.
In the scene where Lucia goes to the gemini cafe, also where she runs into Raphael, she thinks this "Aaargh, am I thinking?" When maybe it should be, "Aaargh, what am I thinking?". With the same scene, when she meets Blake and Lee at the cafe, when she first spots Blake, she states that he is blonde haired. But, actually, his hair is purple. Isn't it? During that same scene, Blake says this "At any rate, let's just sit down there." When it's better to say. "At this rate, let's just sit down there."
That's all I really saw that was wrong. Nothing too big or major. I mean there were a few more grammar things, but nothing that was too noticeable. But, I could send those errors to you, also. If you would like.
I can do it tomorrow, but tonight I have English homework...Sad weekend. -.-
Can try using the newest renpy version? I am using 6.14 now.