Nacira [GxB][Comedy,Romance] beta testers CLOSED.

[WickedRaccoon]

@try10: Could you pm me where you found the grammar mistakes? (day and on what route?)

[try10]

@try10: Could you pm me where you found the grammar mistakes? (day and on what route?)

On most of the routes I found some spelling mistakes ( in the last 2 or 3 days on most of the routes, when Nacira finds the poem under her bed, in the dialogue with Nyikara in the tower/that's all I can remember). Unfortunately I don't have the time to replay the game again in order to point exactly where because I'm busy... Sorry.

[ngareci]

I love this game. The only thing I wish that could be there(and it doesn't take away the perfectness of the game) would to have a epilogue. When I saw Arjuna's ending I wish I could see the day in the life of that ending.

Thank you for the feedback, right now I'm thinking to do more serious work on Arjuna path..

[WickedRaccoon]

On most of the routes I found some spelling mistakes ( in the last 2 or 3 days on most of the routes, when Nacira finds the poem under her bed, in the dialogue with Nyikara in the tower/that's all I can remember). Unfortunately I don't have the time to replay the game again in order to point exactly where because I'm busy... Sorry.

Ok,that's cool. Would appreciate whenever you decide to replay it,that you send the parts with the mistakes I might have done :3

[azureXtwilight]

Hey, I've been playing~

As for now I'm trying to get Werkudara's ending 8P Haven't found any errors, but... I think ancient java people won't know anything about aliens, right?

About the kissing CGs, I know that we Indonesians are kinda... you know, afraid to do this especially with peeking mothers hahaha. Just do what you want and good luck!

*continues playing

[ngareci]

Hey, I've been playing~

As for now I'm trying to get Werkudara's ending 8P Haven't found any errors, but... I think ancient java people won't know anything about aliens, right?

About the kissing CGs, I know that we Indonesians are kinda... you know, afraid to do this especially with peeking mothers hahaha. Just do what you want and good luck!

*continues playing

About alien thing, it just for fun, but I also have thought to change it into mythical creature that disguise as human, still deciding..

And kissing CGs, I admitted it, yes. It's not a well mannered here, I just though to give Arjuna route more CG when he kissed Nacira's backhand and carry her in princess pose..

[nancie]

I wanted to start out by saying how much I enjoyed your game. I liked the first demo so much that I have been silently stalking your wip thread. I don’t comment on every game just the ones that pique my interest in one way or another. For yours I was first attracted by the beautiful artwork. I was very sad to read that you had lost touch with your artist, I was afraid it would keep you from finishing the project. I’m very glad I was wrong.
As for the game itself:

Start screen: as commented earlier it is a little bit hard to read, but I was able to figure out what all the buttons did. Your GUI is beautiful although I did like the darker start screen background better.

The story was both cute and funny. I liked the light hearted feel. Your grammar however need quite a bit of improvement. I saw that you had 5 proofreaders in your credits. I’m guessing one for each path? The only reason I mention it is that some paths seem to have better grammar than others. The simple speech patterns that you used when writing this story gives it a certain charm, almost like it is being told by someone young and innocent. It complements the characters and artwork nicely.

Characters: I really enjoyed going through all the paths:

 Putadewa

His story was great and the ending was perfect, but this was the character I liked the least. I though he really lacked personality compared to the rest. He really had no reaction to anything, there was nothing that stood out about him. If you are still planning to modify this story I would consider tweaking his route a little bit to give him something unique to adore.

 Werkudara

‘I met him in a street fight after which he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and proceeded to carry me off.’— I love the rough and tough type as long as they don’t get too carried away with personality quirks. I also adored the cute pet name. I was very sad that there was no real romance in his ending. The closest thing I got was this little scene:
Him : “Hey Grumpy head, you look beautiful!”
Me : “……”
Me : “I don’t know whether to be happy or mad…”
I was really glad that Puntadewa and Nyikara were finally able to make up in this path.

 Arjuna

I have mixed feelings about this type of character. I thoroughly enjoyed him and all his witty come backs, he had a line for everything said. I was very sad I never got to see him blush that would have been like icing on the cake. There was a scene where he said he was blushing but it was during a chibis scene so… yeah. His ending was hilarious! It totally inspired the thought of an awesome bonus scene of a wife revolt <insert evil grin here>

 Nakula

This is usually the first character type I chase. Everyone loves the tsundere. At first he just made me laugh because he would get so flustered he’d stop making sense. I just wanted to pinch him half the time. I wanted to say Kudos for being able to write his scenes so well, not everyone can pull it off with it still being enjoyable. I liked the way he warmed up towards the end without taking the other extreme. It felt like a natural transition to me.

 Sadewa

What can I say? This was my favorite character. He was the nicest and cutest of them all. I can tell that you gave this character a lot of love during the developmental stages of this title. Even though he was the youngest he had an air of maturity about him. I loved the realization scene, where they agree that they might like each other… ‘The case is still open’ His implied romantic scene gave me the warm and fuzzies. I just wanted to grab him and hug him.

Game Errors – both are minor but I thought I should mention them.
(code) – after you choose Ajuna and he dumps the box, the 2 lines that follow this one don’t have a name they are coded as the narrator but it should be Ajuna talking
Line: “How all of us envy you.”
(graphic) – after you choose Werkura the scene where you two are the only ones left in the room. It says “Werkudara suddenly hit my back slowly.” To hit her back he would need to be behind her and in the scene he is in front of her.

In one of your previous replies you asked someone to give you a list of misspelled words. Here are most of them:

atmosfere (spelling) = atmosphere
personaly (spelling) = personally
imposible (spelling) = impossible
imposibble (spelling) = impossible
anxiousity (spelling) = anxiety
bussiness (spelling) = business
dissapearance (spelling) = disappearance
sended (spelling) = sent
choosed (spelling) = chose
holded (spelling) =held
curiousity (spelling) = curiosity
regural (spelling) = regular
occured (spelling) = occurred
happenes (spelling) = happens
frazeled (spelling) = frazzled
possitively (spelling) = positively
dejuvu (spelling) = deja vu (this is two words)
luggages (spelling) = luggage
deers (spelling) = deer
tuk (spelling) = tunk
lacking (misuse) = slacking (I would call this a typo but you used it wrong more than once)
crowing (typo) = crowning
it’s (misuse) it’s = it is -- the possessive form(showing ownership) of “it” = its
waw (spelling) = wow
hmft (spelling) = hmpf
emm (spelling) = erm
heh (spelling) = huh (same as above – heh would be a slang term for laughing casually – huh would be a slang term for questioning you have them reversed a lot)
hup – the only time I have ever seen this use is “Hup two three four…” in a military march.
wew in english is wow (was not sure if you wanted to change that because it give a bit of cultural flavor but I thought it was note worthy)

At some point while reading through this I remember thinking that you were just making up words as you went along to add the cuteness factor or to make the game more funny. Whether or not that was your intention I decided to list a few of them with some comments and/or reference links in case you wanted to go back in and correct them later.
Dok! = Knock!
hwaa (meaning) I don’t think this meant what you though reference: link I’m not sure what the happy “glomping” reference: link sound would be maybe one of these guys can help you out with a substitution.
Fiuh –The word fiuh means something very dirty- reference: link I think what you meant was phew -reference: link
Brak! – I did find this in the urban dictionary as a substitution for a curse word, but I am unfamiliar with its actual meaning as I have never heard this word used before. From the context I’m assuming it would be similar to ‘Oh crap!’ or something of the like. You were pretty liberal with your use of other curse words so I’m not why you would use a substitute now. Again I’m not sure if you wanted to change it but I thought it was note worthy.
Hyee – ??
Uwaa – ??
Uwooo – is supposed to be “woo hoo”? reference: link
Spell it (meaning) you would spell a word or a slang use could be spell it out – meaning to explain in simple terms – I think you meant spill it meaning – give me all the details
Somehow (meaning) the word somehow means you don’t know how or you don’t understand how, you use it a lot when you are implying you don’t know the reason for something. You could substitute “for some reason” Here is a reference: link

Lastly since there were still so many errors I went ahead and did a full proofread if you are interested here is a link to the word document. I have enclosed a plain text version too in case you don’t have word. It was just too big to post. download link

Anyway good luck with your final release and let me know if you need any more help.

[azureXtwilight]

@ nancie : Huwaa, uwoo, and hyee are usual Indonesian slang/speech/shoutings. Probably why she entered it XD

[ngareci]

@Nancie
Oh, my God! Your post really heart-melting me!

Start screen: as commented earlier it is a little bit hard to read, but I was able to figure out what all the buttons did. Your GUI is beautiful although I did like the darker start screen background better.

Many people said the same, and I've change it into the more readable one, gonna post it in WIP thread soon..

The story was both cute and funny. I liked the light hearted feel. Your grammar however need quite a bit of improvement. I saw that you had 5 proofreaders in your credits. I’m guessing one for each path? The only reason I mention it is that some paths seem to have better grammar than others. The simple speech patterns that you used when writing this story gives it a certain charm, almost like it is being told by someone young and innocent. It complements the characters and artwork nicely.

The reason why there's 5 proofreader here, it's pretty complicated. The first and second proofreader leaves this project, the third is suddenly busy, the fourth cannot be contacted, and the last one is the one who proofread entire beta-version now. Each of them have their part on the script so I put their name on the credit.

 Putadewa

His story was great and the ending was perfect, but this was the character I liked the least. I though he really lacked personality compared to the rest. He really had no reaction to anything, there was nothing that stood out about him. If you are still planning to modify this story I would consider tweaking his route a little bit to give him something unique to adore.

At first, I gave him lack of personality in purpose

because he's the box's owner.

But then again, I think I'm gonna modify his route in day8 so he can balancing the other..

 Werkudara

‘I met him in a street fight after which he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and proceeded to carry me off.’— I love the rough and tough type as long as they don’t get too carried away with personality quirks. I also adored the cute pet name. I was very sad that there was no real romance in his ending. The closest thing I got was this little scene:
Him : “Hey Grumpy head, you look beautiful!”
Me : “……”
Me : “I don’t know whether to be happy or mad…”
I was really glad that Puntadewa and Nyikara were finally able to make up in this path.

Yes, in javanese version of epic mahabaratha, Werkudara has no/less romance interest even with his own wife, so I adapt it..

But I guess in the ending scene, readers may imagining when a man and a woman having a journey together, there must be something romantic feeling developing later...

 Arjuna

I have mixed feelings about this type of character. I thoroughly enjoyed him and all his witty come backs, he had a line for everything said. I was very sad I never got to see him blush that would have been like icing on the cake. There was a scene where he said he was blushing but it was during a chibis scene so… yeah. His ending was hilarious! It totally inspired the thought of an awesome bonus scene of a wife revolt <insert evil grin here>

The blushing scene! Perhaps it will be good. I'm gonna add it!
And the idea of wife revolt is interesting! The final CG has fixed, but I'm gonna make it for art section in official website..

 Nakula

This is usually the first character type I chase. Everyone loves the tsundere. At first he just made me laugh because he would get so flustered he’d stop making sense. I just wanted to pinch him half the time. I wanted to say Kudos for being able to write his scenes so well, not everyone can pull it off with it still being enjoyable. I liked the way he warmed up towards the end without taking the other extreme. It felt like a natural transition to me.

Thank you for the compliment!! I'm having really hard laugh for making his scene and I'm glad you feel the same..

 Sadewa

What can I say? This was my favorite character. He was the nicest and cutest of them all. I can tell that you gave this character a lot of love during the developmental stages of this title. Even though he was the youngest he had an air of maturity about him. I loved the realization scene, where they agree that they might like each other… ‘The case is still open’ His implied romantic scene gave me the warm and fuzzies. I just wanted to grab him and hug him.

Yes, based on the epic, he had that kind of maturity. I'm glad you like him!

Lastly since there were still so many errors I went ahead and did a full proofread if you are interested here is a link to the word document. I have enclosed a plain text version too in case you don’t have word. It was just too big to post. download link

This is what heartmelting me so much!
I've read the proofread text, and I'm totally suprised that you type again the text, and corrected them with very detail!!
I could not asking for more!
And your direction makes me learn a lot! I realize that my flaws in english word picking is totally bad.. (outside of the proofreaded text), so I'm gonna use the text you gave me..
And AzureXtwilight is right. Many english-indonesia slangs that I used in the script. Basically it comes from my subjective point of view, that sounds good in my ear. And your post help me realize that I can't be like that if I want an international release. It is my fault not to read many references about it, so I'm really grateful you help me to find the right slang words!

Nancie, you bring so many homework for me, and I really glad you did that! XD
Thank you very much!!

[nancie]

If you need any more help after your rewrites let me know I'd be happy to lend a hand.

[ngareci]

If you need any more help after your rewrites let me know I'd be happy to lend a hand.

Umm, I'm working the script now, and I'm pretty confuse about wording stomach growling.
I kept it as Kruuuk.. because it's a common sound for stomach growling in Indonesia. But in your note, you said it was cultural flavor..
Do you know the English wording about this?

[nancie]

I think it would just be some form of the word grumble or growl rumble. Like ..."grooowl" or
"grumble grumble" or "rumble rumble"

You have the sound effects in game so if you wanted to keep your sound text it should be fine.