A Shadow's Reflection [DEMO]

[Kokoro Hane]

UPDATE 6/11/2016: I have not forgotten about this game--I went through a period where I had a lot of things happen in my life and projects not only halted, but I at one point didn't even touch Ren'Py for over a year. Now that things have settled, I am back to using Ren'Py and once one of my current projects are done (and one is), then I will shift focus back to this project! Please read my latest reply for more details~

"Derek August has always been plagued with a strange, eerie feeling that began when he entered his first year of high school. During that time, his whole family disappeared without a trace. Since then, he's been living alone, all by himself, having only one friend; Eliza Davidson. Now in his Junior Year, it's happening again. Two students have disappeared, and they were seated in front and behind Derek! Is anyone who comes in contact with him fated to disappear? But if that's the case, what about Eliza?"

This is a Kinetic project I started awhile back, sometime last year as an attempt at trying to make a horror theme story (or at the very least, eerie). It's also my first try at writing a Kinetic novel. I have the story planned from start to finish, and I work on it from time to time when I feel like writing something creepy (and have block on my big projects). Anyway, I have a little demo ready to be released as I am curious what people think of it. Note that a couple scenes or so, which I want to have music, I have not found the right tracks for yet, plus there are no CGs yet (except for the ones that came with the free sprite), and I still need a few sound effects (though most of them is present). I am in no rush with this novel, and want to make it as quality as possible, so I have only worked on it when I have inspiration. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and feel free to leave feedback~

Download here; https://tofu-sheets-visual.itch.io/a-shadows-reflection

[spiral]

Your download seems to be broken! I've tried to download it twice from two different browsers and both times got s tiny file that wouldn't unzip.

[Donmai]

I've tested the download and it worked fine (Google Chrome tried to scare me, saying the file was dangerous, but I didn't took it seriously). The file is a zip with a .exe file inside. Many antivirus software shock when finding such file, and dump it to the quarantine without asking first. On my side, Avast! told me the file is OK.

[OokamiKasumi]

The story is quite good. I really like the concept and the dialogue style you're using works quite well. I actually like that you only have 2 visible characters, but lots of backgrounds. It underlines the feeling of emptiness, loneliness -- and threat.

I have a couple of story suggestions, if you're interested? Feel free to take them, or leave them, as you please. They're merely suggestions.

First off, I don't think you should change anything you currently have, merely add a few short scenes that Show interaction with those that disappear, rather than Tell the reader that they happened. You don't even need to use characters images, merely a blank background and pure dialogue. This way the reader builds a connection, and sympathy, toward the people that disappear. This would make the disappearances more Personal to the reader, yet at the same time implies the question: "Were they ever there to begin with?"

Also, you may want to consider images or at least text that signals scene breaks. Mainly, when you move from one location to another, but also to indicate that time has passed, such as a simple: "A few hours later..."

And that's it. I really like what you have so far! keep up the good work!

[Geckos]

The story is quite interesting.
I enjoy the sound effects and the music; Eli is pretty fun.

A few things that might benefit your story:

At the very beginning when the MC is talking to himself about how he went to court to be declared a legal adult so that he could live alone, that information really isn't necessary, especially given the fact that the students in his class later say the same thing. (It is much more interesting when delivered by the other students.)

The phone scenes are quite enjoyable; good job with timing the noises and text.

A typo I found that was bad enough to make me have to reread the sentence a few times:
"There are things out there that's been following you. Be glad today it was only me...."
should be
"There are thing's out there that have been" unless you are trying to make the guy come across as a country bumpkin.

"Maybe everyone who gets involved with him are fated to vanish!" should be "is fated to vanish" (Who is fated? Everyone is fated, as opposed to everyone are fated.)
It's a bit odd that both Eliza and the ??? boy use the term "We'll be all that's left, after all." and "There always seems to be one left, after all." Unless they know each other or have reason to use the same term.

"I shot up, intaking a large breath, as I break out of those thoughts." You're switching between past and present verbs in the same sentence.
"I shoot up, intaking(this still sounds odd) a large breath, as I break out of those thoughts."

"You just destroyed my LAN line!"
Unless he's talking about a Local Area Network, he probably means to say "landline"

"Hey, what's that suppose to mean?" should be "supposed*"
"6am in the morning" is technically should be "Six a.m." since you aren't supposed to start a sentence off with a number.

"I'm sure I look utterly stupid, utterly cowardice..." could be "utterly stupid, and like an utter coward" since "I look cowardice" doesn't make much sense.

"I stopped. and slowly turn around" Could be "I stop (pause) and slowly turn around)" instead of being a broken sentence.

Anyhow, I quite enjoyed the story so far.

I am beginning to think that Eli is just freaking nuts. She's acting like "I'm okay, I'm okay HEAHAEHAERHAHA. /eye twitch"

You make me want to work on my own little game in my spare time.
Sorry I didn't check the first part of the game for typos, I didn't know if I was going to be interested in playing it all the way through at that point.
Nice work!

[dorne]

I was surprised when

You used that sprite for ??? I'm glad that someone can make better use of these assets, especially the creepy face. Azure always makes the best creepy stalker face commissions haha.

I think its going in the right direction. *edit you already answered when you'd complete it.

[Kokoro Hane]

Thank you all for your comments!

@OokamiKasumi; I am glad you like what you have seen so far! And about expanding...

Actually, how I planned to make the VN is when you play the second time, new scenes open up, including the few you mentioned. The first playthrough is sort of the "vague" version, while the second is the "eye opener" though I will take into consideration some scenes or at least a little bit of dialogue of the missing maybe shown as described with just a black screen with dialogue ^.^

@Geckos; Wow, thanks for the detail! And spotting out some grammer/typo errors, that really helps! As for how certain things were written, a few things (I won't spot out what) are there purposely which I won't say for spoiler purposes.

@dorne; Thanks!

And yes, Azure makes the best creepy faces!

Your download seems to be broken! I've tried to download it twice from two different browsers and both times got s tiny file that wouldn't unzip.

Hmm, that is strange, are you still having trouble?

[joakkar]

I really enjoyed the story so far. Both Eli and Derek are really interesting to look at and even when the story is so fantastic, it still seems like the characters reactions are realistic (realistic coming from a cast full of mentally unstable characters but realistic nevertheless). The pacing on the events is really well done and it totally achieves the suspense part. I mean I finished the demo and I became really really interested in what actually happened which I'm pretty sure is the point here. I'm looking forward to the next demo /o/

[philip]

Just downloaded and played through. it's got me hooked and I will anxiously await the next update.

[Kokoro Hane]

Thanks! Glad you guys enjoyed it, and I hope to release the finished version soon.

[Alte]

Fascinating demo! It's like an modernized twilight zone that's fun to read. I enjoy each progress as the story unfolds.

The customized expressions of the characters are unique and the fitting background usage. (music/ sounds quite good on the atmosphere) Awesome work!

[philip]

Golly, it's been almost ten months since the author last posted. I do hope that this is not another one of those efforts that starts out with great promise and then dies on the vine. I found the story to be really intriguing and enjoyable, and have been looking forward to seeing a completed version released.

philip

[Kokoro Hane]

Hey guys! Been awhile...

So, just so you know, I have not forgotten about this game. I still really love its story and do intend to finish it, since it is a Kinetic novel and those are not hard to finish.

My plans are, after I am done with at least one of my two current projects, this will be the next one that will be put to completing. I am thinking of possibly getting new art assets for the sprites at least--this uses free to use sprites, while I might see if I can get at least original sprite work done and CGs--if not sprites, then at least CGs. I am also hoping to have voice-acting for it, as when I first began writing this a few years ago--the intention was to have voice acting. But I can also release it without voices first, since I'd been meaning to finish this game for awhile, so that won't be the biggest priority and I can add a patch for that later.

Anyway, one of my two current projects is near completion (in fact, all that needs is one VA to send me her lines and 3 more CGs--then it's done), so when that is out of the way, I can shift focus back to this game~

[ghostpel]

Sorry for being years late. Finished this a moment ago. Good job! I couldn't comment much on the writing since my English is...less than average. But overall it's very easy to read. ^^'

The mystery itself is interesting. I love how each scene conveyed protagonist's uneasiness. (Not having too much flashback did amplify the fact that people gone when they disappeared.)
Eliza reminds me of Rena from Higurashi no naku koro ni when she went over protective mode.
That enigmatic blonde guy is intriguing. A bit sad that demo ended before his name revealed ^^' (seeing ??? appears for long period is a bit annoying...maybe 'That guy' or something along the line could work better?)

Glad to see you're still being active on this project. Hope to hear more from you!

[Kokoro Hane]

^ I am glad you enjoyed the demo! I hope to get back to work on it when I have completed one of my active projects~