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Some of you may already be familiar with Errant Heart. Some of you may not.

It's not a dating sim, otome, BxG, GxB, GxG, BxB or anything of the sort. It's just a simple story about friendship. Well, that, and supernatural combat and assorted ass-kickery.

Anyway, I'm posting here today because we need Lemmasoft's help. We ran a successful Kickstarter last year. And while we're finally (finally) nearing completion, we need people other than our backers (most of whom are only interested in playing a completed product) to beta test Errant Heart. And I mean, seriously beta test the ever-living crap out of the thing.

We want as many people with as many varied systems as possible to play this and report even the smallest issue, comment, criticism or the like. What kind of system are you using? What are the results if you start in OpenGL, Direct X and software modes? Any problems using windowed mode versus full screen? Did anything break in our menu system? Did the skip system work? Did you get odd results anywhere?

If you're interested, you can find some background information at our Kickstarter:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/85 ... sual-novel

Likewise, you can run some searches on Lemmasoft and find plenty of information as well. But, in order to pique your interest right off the bat, I'll post some screen shots from the game.

The below images are screen captures from in-engine. They serve as a small sample of what the game looks like—demonstrating what our BGs and sprites look like. The sprites have been live composited, have dynamic lighting applied to them, there's parallax scrolling of sprites and BGs, and depth-of-field applied to the BGs. You may also notice how already-read text goes semi transparent in NVL windows to allow a better view of the sprites, how the NVL window itself has been tweaked to keep from obscuring sprites, and sprite placement that is usually off center so they will, again, be less obscured by text, etc.

We may not be as flashy as some projects, but we've tried to do as much as possible to enhance readability and make for a visually-stimulating game, not to mention do our best to craft an intiguing and compelling story—working with our former Tokyopop editor to tweak the script.

Currently, we're working towards finishing up the event CGs and adding in some special effect niceties, as well as awaiting final music and sound design.

I encourage anyone who's even the slightest bit interested to give the beta a try and let us know your thoughts. Don't think that any comment is too small, silly or inconsequential—I don't believe there are such things. We'll never know what people think is good or bad unless someone speaks up.





















Download the PC Beta version 1.01!
Download the OSX Beta version 1.01!
Download the Linux Beta version 1.01!

I've downloaded the beta and will have feedback for you as soon as possible.

Sorry, I can't volunteer to test, but I wanted to point out that the ful screen text is bordering on unreadable due to size and colour choices.

It doesn't match the awesome quality of the art.

Well, I'm finished with this beta! Congratulations on getting to this point.

I'll start with the positives first: You have an interesting premise and attractive art.

Unfortunately, from where I stand, Errant Heart's writing is in dire need of improvement. The characters are often almost lifeless---though they "wake up" a bit later---and the prose itself does not read well. It's stiff and unnatural, and far too much time is spent telling rather than showing. I will say, however, that the main portion of the VN is slightly stronger than the prologue. It still deals with the same problems, however.

Let me give you a few pointers:

Other expedition members stop what they're doing and glance over to the doctor's tent. While they may only be able to make out a few choice words from the doctor every now and again, his body language fills in the gaps quite obviously.

What body language is the doctor using? It may be obvious to the other characters, but not to the reader. And how many of them are actually able to see inside the tent if they're just glancing at it from what is likely to be many feet away? Show, don't tell.

Turning abruptly from the girl, the doctor rips a piece of paper from one of the notebooks. Still standing, he hunches over the table and hurriedly scribbles something on the sheet. Once done, he folds the paper a number of times and then approaches the girl.

The doctor stretches out his right hand and presents the paper to the girl.

“Well? Go on then.”

Unsure of what he wants, the girl just clasps her hands to her chest and backs away a couple of steps.

“Oh, bloody hell . . .”

The doctor steps forward and grabs the girl by the arm. He shoves the paper into her hand and speaks in a supremely condescending tone.

“Take this to Cassandra. Understand? Cassandra? Go find her and bring her back. Yes?”

With some inkling of what the loud fat man wants, the girl turns around and takes a few tentative steps into the desert before pausing. Apparently not satisfied with this response, the doctor lifts his right leg and places his boot on the girl's backside. He pushes the girl with as little effort as if he was pushing over a piece of cardboard.

The girl flops down face-first onto the rock-strewn desert ground. She coughs a few times as some fine-grained sand reaches her lungs.

Over-description is a huge problem for Errant Heart. It and that problem is made worse because most of the characters remain unnamed throughout the beta. I can't tell you how much I wanted to know who "the girl" and "the doctor" were. But the young man who says very little is identified as Nigel almost immediately. Why? Doctor Langham and Salima are far larger presences in the story at this point. It doesn't make sense. And don't tell the reader that Langham is being condescending. It's demonstrated in his tone of voice, and because he kicks Salima out of his tent!

The choice to use present tense narration baffles me. Think of the sequence of events as you would a film---the audience wants to watch things happen directly. The narration, in its current form, adds an unnecessary barrier between the text and the reader. It's the same as having a friend watch a movie with you, only to hear that friend tell you what's happening as it's happening. Everything feels wooden.

Still staring off into the distance, dumbfounded, Cassandra staggers forward. After a few seconds, she whirls around and asks in a raised voice . . .

“Salima, what's the meaning of this?"

Don't describe your characters about to say something and then have them say it. They should just speak. And don't describe other characters' feelings if it's already apparent in how they're acting.

Concerned with the girl's unexpected response, Cassandra approaches Salima and grabs her by the shoulders.

“Salima? Are you doing this?”

Apparently shaken out of her reverie by Cassandra's touch, Salima looks her in the eye and manages a simple response.

“Not me.”

Cassandra releases the girl and furrows her brow.

Whose brow is furrowed? I know it's Cassandra's, but be careful with pronouns.

"I'm . . . I'm sorry, miss. I do---"

I'm cut off abruptly as the woman responds in a low, but very stern tone.

Again, don't describe a character being cut off, or responding, or whatever. Just let it happen.

Participial phrases are useful, but don't abuse them. They're everywhere. You could vary your sentence structure more. And be sure to take care not to create dangling modifiers:

“Confused by the lack of any substance in my hands, the reality of the situation slowly dawns on me.

The reality of the situation is confused? No. She is confused.

“Looking behind me to my satchel, she seems to have helped herself to the contents of the lunch I bought. An empty pasta container and a few unused napkins lay on the ground swaying in the breeze.”

Who is doing the looking? Lira is. Also, "lay" should be "lie" since the present tense is being used.

“Turning my attention back to Salima, her expression has returned to its usual deadpan look.”

Who is turning? Lira is turning to look at Salima's expression.

Other notes:

Don't ever use yellow as a text color.

Still staring at the young girl, the doctor does his best to stifle his displeasure. But the redness of his chubby face belies his true feelings.

"Belies" is not the correct verb to use here. It means "contradicts." You want to use something like "betrays" instead.

I saw several misused or missing commas and periods, misused em dashes, and at least one missing article---the phrase "in muffled whisper" towards the end should be "in a muffled whisper."

In the prologue, "judgement" is an acceptable spelling of "judgment," but it's less common. Do what you will.

"Absent-mindedly" is "absentmindedly."

Small numbers are to be written out. Don't use numbers for them. "15 minutes" should be "fifteen minutes."

I hear one last disembodied statement from the man.

Don't ever do this again. It's not a "disembodied statement." He's just talking to Lira.

I feel my diaphragm convulsing and my lungs start to burn.

I believe you mean "constricting," or "tightening," or any appropriate synonym.

The woman lets out a soft verbal tick [sic] and proceeds to walk into the room.

What verbal tic is that? Does she sigh? Laugh? Make a "tsk" sound? I noticed that this "verbal tick" thing happens again a bit later on.

The woman lets my response hang out in the open for an excruciatingly long amount of time.

How long is "excruciatingly long"? "A long time" is sufficient.

"Hookey" is "hooky."

"Deutch" is "Deutsch."

"Alright" is "all right." (I know the former is becoming acceptable now in some circles, but I'm not a fan of it.)

"Das ist der Ort."

This should be "Das ist den Ort." In German, nouns in grammatical cases must take the appropriate ending. In this situation, "der Ort" is "den Ort," though I'm not sure if "That is the place" would translate so literally into German.

"Ah. Vielen dank, madchen."

"Dank" is a noun and needs to be capitalized. The same is true of Mädchen. Don't forget the umlaut!

"Mach dir keine Sorgen um sie."

Mrs. Hinze does not know Lira well, so she wouldn't use the familiar du form of this verb. She would instead say "Machen Sie sich üm sie keine Sorgen."

(Note: my experience in German is limited to six years' worth, and my grammar is a bit rusty, so I highly recommend checking with a native speaker or someone who uses German more often. But I'm fairly certain I've got this one right.)

"Questionaire" is "questionnaire."

Closing the door, I breath a sigh of relief.

"Breathe," not "breath."

“With a grin still on her face, she reaches out a hand and I give her my used table wear.”

"Tableware."

“It takes not more than two seconds before I feel heat roiling off of my face with an intensity I rarely experience.”

"Roiling" isn't the right verb. To roil means to make a liquid muddy. You may want to use "radiating" or even just write the thought this way: "My face grows hot. I've rarely felt this way before."

“I think I let a few non-verbal mumblings escape as I scramble to think of how to respond to such an inappropriate question.”

Nonverbal mumblings? That doesn't make sense. Mumbling is a vocalization.

TrickWithAKnife: I'm wondering if your assessment of the text was made based on the screen shots above, or after playing the demo for a while? Regardless, the choice of fonts, effects and NVL window were made before much of the final art was available. We intend to re-balance everything (and maybe even give users a chance to change the NVL window opacity? Not sure how difficult that'll be) before the final build.

Mad Harlequin: I'm grateful for the time you took. I agree with many of your comments. Although, items like the German text are still up in the air. We still have to manually alter our font to include special characters needed for the German language. We'd also like to have some native German-speakers to weigh in on the dialog. I dearly want to avoid accidentally creating a meme like "All your base".

We inserted "fast tracks" into most of the branches, in order to allow those who want to just cut to the chase do exactly that. There is no fast track for the "intro" branch, however. I'm thinking we would probably do well to add one in.

It's not a problem. I noticed some other issues as well---for example, Lira refers to Fritz as "it" and "him." Pick one. It's important to be consistent.

I should add that the prologue and the main story differ so much in quality that it's almost as if they were written by two different people. It is, in a word, bad. Even if you take none of my other advice into account (though of course I hope you do), you must rewrite the prologue. I wouldn't expect many people to want to continue after reading it, honestly.

Wow... This whole game looks so impressive o: The art is really amazing - especially that they have several poses/outfits - and the finished backgrounds are... They are so beautiful, I was staring at everything in shock whilst playing it like 'this looks so professional...' XD

As for the NVL textbox, I think this would work better if it was slightly darker - sometimes, it is hard to read the text. Having colored text in the NVL box for each character is pretty unusual, and it kind of throws me that several different characters seem to use the same color for their text in NVL mode. I think this would be quite unpopular with people who wouldn't like lots of different colored text (maybe it would strain the eyes?), I didn't have so much of a problem with it though.
I really liked how the text that had been previously read faded after it had been clicked through in NVL mode. That was a really nice touch XD

And as for the writing... I feel there is a bit too much description sometimes, and too more adverbs - too much explicit 'he did this like this', 'she did that like that.' Tbh with a visual novel all the description of actions/expressions/places etc isn't that necessary, because the art does it all for you - and you have lots of art assets. So I think the story would read better if a lot of the description was cut out, and more was allowed to be told through dialogue - it seems more natural for the visual novel medium.

And, the name 'Priss'... is a very, very odd name XD Since 'prissy' is often to used mean somebody who is quite picky, fussy, precious? It sounds more like the name for a haughty cat than the name for a human. That kind of threw me, too XD

But the presentation, GUI, art, is all really, really good. Especially the backgrounds. The backgrounds are amazing o:

are you still looking for native german speakers?
I just downloaded the game and there wasn't much german dialogue yet.
but here's what i've noticed so far:

'gehen auf die blumenladen, ja?'
that is completely wrong. I'm not even sure what it is supposed to mean. I would guess you mean to say something along the lines of 'would you mind going to the flower shop' ('könnten sie bitte zum Blumenladen gehen?')

'Blumen, ja? Gehen sie, bitte'
well that's sort of broken german, but on the other hand, if she notices shat she's not understood, it might make sense if she speaks in short and simple sentences even if they are not 100% grammatically perfect.

'Ja, ja. Das ist kein problem. Sie wissen es.'
that is actually correct grammar, but i wonder if it is what you meant to say. it means 'yes, yes. that is no problem. you know it.' that seems like a weird response to 'i don't know where the flower shop is'. Maybe you mean to say something along the lines of 'that is not a problem, I'm sure you'll find it' ('Das ist kein Problem, ich bin mir sicher sie werden es finden'). Also, i would omit the 'ja, ja', it has a sort of negative connotation. unless that is what you intended.