Lemma Soft Forums

Legend says that there once was a Mythical Dragon, said to be the ancestor of all Mages. A powerful yet benevolent creature who always assisted the humans with their daily hurdles. From a single sphere of mana, he shaped and formed the Promised Land. This world was a place full of miracles and the Dragon allowed the humans live there so long as they promised to repay him a favor one day. But living in this sanctuary allowed the humans to become greedy and lazy and as such never returned the favors to the Dragon. When he threatened to kick them out of the Promised Land, they revolted by impaling him with specially crafted poisonous swords and burying him deep in a magic forest.

Fifteen years ago, a Mage had the idea to hold an annual competition known as the Mage Wars. Every year sixteen powerful Mages were chosen to fight in a battle to the death in order to determine who gets to go to the Promised Land. One Mage named Yuuji Yuki dreams of ending this war, but will it be as easy as he thinks? Or will he find out that no matter how hard you try, some things you can never change.


Questions:

Who is your favorite character and why?

Who is your least favorite character and why?

What was your favorite part, why?

What was your least favorite part, why?

What did you think of the cliffhanger at the end? Were you shocked or did you see it coming?

How can this game be improved?

How can I as a Visual Novel writer improve?

If you had to pick a song to describe this game, what would it be?

Any other comments you'd like to add?

Notes

First off this is my first Visual Novel and I know I have some typos. And I assure you the full version will go through proof reading. But I just wanted to get this out here already. Because of that there are no fancy effects in this either. I plan to implement them in the full game but for now, screw the fancy stuff. i'm relying solely on story. Also right now this game is only partially voiced. Characters who aren't voiced yet are as follows, Yuuji, Nicole, Izaki, Vic, Alex.

CREDITS

Created by: Chris J. Cinders
Written by: Chris J. Cinders
Backgrounds by:
catdodo
Stupid-CatS-Fantasia
弓 舞
舞風
牛奶波音
靈
櫻野露
弓茶
saianevan
caro110
Uncle Mugen
Characters made with
iicharacter_alpha-win
Songs:
Neverending
Myself
In Order
(Made with musicshake)
Voices:
Yuuji Yuki- Aquamista
Reika Fukui- Bree Page
Nicole Alder- Samantha-
chan
Marianna Nelli- Trina
Deuhart
Nami Fujioka- Sayaka
Mashiro
Izaki Ishihara- Jadenday
Kai Hoshino- Kavaja
Humphrey
Yoshi Yuki- David Beale
(The Chaos Enitity)
Alex Rodgers- Yumi-chan

Game: https://www.dropbox.com/s/a7gw02rttgye1 ... ip?dl=0&m=

The link doesn't work. You'll want to click on the Share Link button if you're using Dropbox. :)

Ok thanks. It's all good now.

Chrome has decided to block the file claiming it was malicious. Please clean up your files.

Rossfellow wrote:Chrome has decided to block the file claiming it was malicious. Please clean up your files.

Chrome actually does that quite often with VN downloads (at least it has for me). Obviously no one wants to take unnecessary risks, but you can tell Chrome to accept the download in question anyway. I've had no problems so far with so-called malicious files downloaded here. If I did run into trouble, I'd certainly let people know. So you should be all right.

Mad Harlequin wrote:Chrome actually does that quite often with VN downloads (at least it has for me).

You're not alone. Frequently Chrome and even some AV software will mark any zipped file with a '.exe' or scripts inside as "malicious" or "potentially dangerous".

@dmasterxd-

Downloaded and played through a couple of times, trying all the choices offered.

Unfortunately, the game crashed at line 385:

I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.

While running game code:
File "game/script.rpy", line 385, in script
"As I walk into the building I am greeted by a Mage in a cloak."
IOError: Couldn't find file 'magic room day.jpg.'.

Took thirteen clicks on "ignore" to get back to the game.

Also, as you noted, there are quite a few misspellings and grammar errors, but the game is interesting, and I will look forward to the next release.

philip

Donmai wrote:

Mad Harlequin wrote:Chrome actually does that quite often with VN downloads (at least it has for me).

You're not alone. Frequently Chrome and even some AV software will mark any zipped file with a '.exe' or scripts inside as "malicious" or "potentially dangerous".

Not to mention that because there are fewer downloads on most VNs, they tend to look more suspicious than other files. I nearly had a heart attack when I downloaded a file and chrome said it was malicious. Then when I told Chrome to accept the download, the browser so smugly told me that my computer would definitely get messed up and it wouldn't be Chrome's fault. The file was perfectly fine.

-Nat

Okay thanks Phillip! But my personal version seems to be working fine. Has anyone else played through the game and had the same problem as Phillip? (Or are you guys only here to talk about google chrome.)

@dmasterxd-

I'm on a Mac, with Safari browser.

Everything seems interesting! I can't wait to get home and play the demo. I'll post my thoughts on it as soon as I get home to play!

try10 wrote:Everything seems interesting! I can't wait to get home and play the demo. I'll post my thoughts on it as soon as I get home to play!

I'm glad your interested. I am excited to hear what you think!

Since the typos and mistakes in punctuation are something you already acknowledge having, I'll leave those alone. I'll tell you straight up though- If you miss enough of these in your later drafts, it will really hurt the immersion and therefore hurt the story. Be vigilant about keeping it as grammatically spotless as possible.

Work review:
The most prominent criticism I've seen this work receive from its WiP forum is how close it is in resemblance to Fate/Stay Night. From its surface, it's undeniable- The premise is identical, combined with the use of modern day magi who live double lives. The only thing that really sets them apart is how on-the-surface this is, using only the most basic terms of magic and minimal descriptions to describe what is happening.

In short, if this really is supposed to be Fate/Stay Night, this would be a 1980s cartoon version of it.

The visuals could really use some- nay, a LOT of work. No, I don't mean the placeholder sprites and BGs and lack of important CG events, I mean the imagery and word painting. It's bad enough that there are errors in grammar and spelling, but it's like it's not even trying to immerse me into the story. Events and scenes happen in brief exchanges and one-line sentences. And that's just not enough.

You haven't been taking advantage of the one thing Visual Novels have over media like anime and manga, something it only shares with novels: Narrative. Your goal as a writer isn't to tell the reader what's happening and who's what- Your job is to put the reader behind the characters' eyes, and make them part of the world/story you're building. At its current state, the narrative is too weak.

When narrative fails, so does characterization . Because it lacks these things, everything that is happening and whoever exist in the world have no meaning, and it becomes a chore for the reader instead of an adventure they should be riding on. The characters become text boxes to scroll through instead of people to find out more about.

tl;dr, if your readers have to force themselves to care about what they're reading, then you, as a writer, have already failed.

Visual novels are more than just pictures and powerpoint presentations- You really need to build a proper narrative, understanding what image each combination of words and pictures give to your readers. You need to be able to manipulate your reader's feelings and keep them reading on to find out what happens next.

Other things to note:
1. Scenes that are supposed to be important lack impact. When Yuuji wakes up one morning and Reika reveals herself a mage and the details of the mage wars, there's absolutely no tension whatsoever. No buildup, no payoff, no impact.
2. There are -no- descriptions. Being able to leave impressions on your reader is an important skill in world building.
3. The choices have no weight. The choice selection may as well be labeled "This is the only option where clicking doesn't get you stabbed in the next text box". The consequences feel so shallow and tacked-on it may as well not be there at all.
4. Characters have no "voice". If I haven't hammered this point enough already, the lack of narrative means the characters don't feel "alive".
5. Speaking of voice, the whole thing isn't voiced at all. In fact, beyond the first choice, sounds and music just stop happening.

I'm sorry but I couldn't finish this past the part where Kai was introduced. The story is barely readable due to poor grammar and not compelling enough to really draw me into the story. I hope you do better with your second draft.

Creator review:
dxmasterxd, I regularly browse the service recruitment boards and what you do there irks me to a personal level. It's completely fine to use free resources if all you want is a simple, cost-free method of telling a story, but leaving comments on how commissioners should work -for free- is unacceptable. On top of that, you're on the threads of free services and leaving defaming comments about the guy not delivering what you're not entitled to. It's obnoxious and it needs to stop.

Rossfellow wrote:Since the typos and mistakes in punctuation are something you already acknowledge having, I'll leave those alone. I'll tell you straight up though- If you miss enough of these in your later drafts, it will really hurt the immersion and therefore hurt the story. Be vigilant about keeping it as grammatically spotless as possible.

Work review:
The most prominent criticism I've seen this work receive from its WiP forum is how close it is in resemblance to Fate/Stay Night. From its surface, it's undeniable- The premise is identical, combined with the use of modern day magi who live double lives. The only thing that really sets them apart is how on-the-surface this is, using only the most basic terms of magic and minimal descriptions to describe what is happening.

In short, if this really is supposed to be Fate/Stay Night, this would be a 1980s cartoon version of it.

The visuals could really use some- nay, a LOT of work. No, I don't mean the placeholder sprites and BGs and lack of important CG events, I mean the imagery and word painting. It's bad enough that there are errors in grammar and spelling, but it's like it's not even trying to immerse me into the story. Events and scenes happen in brief exchanges and one-line sentences. And that's just not enough.

You haven't been taking advantage of the one thing Visual Novels have over media like anime and manga, something it only shares with novels: Narrative. Your goal as a writer isn't to tell the reader what's happening and who's what- Your job is to put the reader behind the characters' eyes, and make them part of the world/story you're building. At its current state, the narrative is too weak.

When narrative fails, so does characterization . Because it lacks these things, everything that is happening and whoever exist in the world have no meaning, and it becomes a chore for the reader instead of an adventure they should be riding on. The characters become text boxes to scroll through instead of people to find out more about.

tl;dr, if your readers have to force themselves to care about what they're reading, then you, as a writer, have already failed.

Visual novels are more than just pictures and powerpoint presentations- You really need to build a proper narrative, understanding what image each combination of words and pictures give to your readers. You need to be able to manipulate your reader's feelings and keep them reading on to find out what happens next.

Other things to note:
1. Scenes that are supposed to be important lack impact. When Yuuji wakes up one morning and Reika reveals herself a mage and the details of the mage wars, there's absolutely no tension whatsoever. No buildup, no payoff, no impact.
2. There are -no- descriptions. Being able to leave impressions on your reader is an important skill in world building.
3. The choices have no weight. The choice selection may as well be labeled "This is the only option where clicking doesn't get you stabbed in the next text box". The consequences feel so shallow and tacked-on it may as well not be there at all.
4. Characters have no "voice". If I haven't hammered this point enough already, the lack of narrative means the characters don't feel "alive".
5. Speaking of voice, the whole thing isn't voiced at all. In fact, beyond the first choice, sounds and music just stop happening.

I'm sorry but I couldn't finish this past the part where Kai was introduced. The story is barely readable due to poor grammar and not compelling enough to really draw me into the story. I hope you do better with your second draft.

Creator review:
dxmasterxd, I regularly browse the service recruitment boards and what you do there irks me to a personal level. It's completely fine to use free resources if all you want is a simple, cost-free method of telling a story, but leaving comments on how commissioners should work -for free- is unacceptable. On top of that, you're on the threads of free services and leaving defaming comments about the guy not delivering what you're not entitled to. It's obnoxious and it needs to stop.

Okay, I loved your advice and was seriously gonna take it to heart until I read your last little comment. I never said they should work for free. I said, "I wouldn't pay if my game was free." People make free games for a reason. No one gets any money out of it, not even the developer. Second, it's not defaming and I made a deal with him over six months ago. Now call me crazy but when you make a deal with someone you pretty much are entitled those things. Especially when all you're asking for is a message of progress. And what irks me is when someone accuses someone else of being obnoxious when they're doing the same and then has the nerve to tell them to stop.

dmasterxd wrote: Okay, I loved your advice and was seriously gonna take it to heart until I read your last little comment. I never said they should work for free. I said, "I wouldn't pay if my game was free." People make free games for a reason. No one gets any money out of it, not even the developer.

In retrospect, it wasn't a classy thing to post in that thread to begin with. And believe it or not, some people who have released free games HAVE commissioned other people for certain assets. Why? Because they wanted their game to look good and they had the financial means to support the artist for their work; gaining money wasn't the point.

But basically, yes it's fine to not have the means to get good art because not everyone has the luxury of commissioning and that's fine. The point is was that comment made in that thread was silly, but that's old hat by now.