Lemma Soft Forums

Hey guys,

Right now I'm working on two visual novels, the first one is practically my baby and I'm thinking it will take at least a year to complete, maybe longer than that.

In the mean time, I thought it'd be fun to simultaneously work on a smaller project, so I can test things out and get a feel for how to use Ren'Py, and learn from any mistakes I might make. Since this is my first game, I don't expect that it will be perfect but I'm going to do the best I can! The script (first-ish draft) is done, and I feel like I could greatly benefit from outside perspectives and opinions.

In the Air isn't my story. This is a story I found online, written by Maureen F. McHugh, which I re-adapted (and edited) to work as a visual novel. Her story is listed under a Creative Commons (Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0) license, which allows others to share, adapt, remix, or transform the original work as long as they do so non commercially and distribute their adaptation under the same license.

I don't have a lot art wise, but since the first draft is done I will probably spend the next few weeks plugging away at character art & concepts & gui design. Here is an unfinished WIP that I do have, though, of Casey, the main character. Casey's a 36 year old lady that lives in the suburbs in Ohio. She's a curvy woman, and is super self conscious and worries about her weight, but I think she's actually adorable and super pretty



A little about the story:

In the Air is a ghost story. Since it's October, I thought it'd be fun to work on a ghost story! But it probably will take me a few months to finish. It's a very short story- right now, it's only 8,503 words, and that's including all the different choices/endings. The story is point based, and which ending you get is shaped by how many relationship points you have with the two other main characters. There are 3 different endings.

Also, the story got away from me a little, and there is cursing, somewhat sexy scenes (but not too bad, just some light kissing and touching and implied sex) and also an ending that is borderline incestuous. If that sort of thing offends you then please do not read!

What I'm looking for help with from the beta readers & editors:

Basically, there are 2 different things I'm looking for. I would like to hear from beta readers that have read over the script about their general impressions, how the script made them feel, if it made them feel anything. I'd also like to hear about what they thought of the story, whether or not they liked it, and if there's anything that should be changed/improved upon.

Editors would have a more technical job. It would be awesome to get some help going through the script & fixing typos, punctuation/grammatical errors. It would also be nice to hear pointers from others on places where the writing felt weird or awkwardly worded, and any places within the script (including dialogue, inner monologue, actions, and character movement descriptions) that could be made better.

Here are a few specific questions I have for anyone that is kind enough to take the time to read:

1. Did you care about the characters/story?
2. Does everything make sense or are there any parts that are confusing?
3. Did you believe in the story? Even though we're inside the head of a character that lives with a ghost, were you willing to suspend disbelief and go along with it? Are there any parts that seem far-fetched/unbelievable?
4. Were you excited to read on & find out what happens next? If so, why? If not, why not?
5. Are there any parts of the story that are stale/boring/dull/hard to get through?
6. Did you find any spelling, grammar, or sentence structure mistakes?
7. Who is/are your favorite character(s), if any? What did you like about them?
8. Who is/are your least favorite character(s), if any? What did you dislike about them?
9. Did any of the characters seem stereotypical/unreal/bland? Who, and what about them makes them that way?
10. Did this story have any emotional impact on you? For example, did you find parts humorous/sad/scary/maddening/surprising/etc? Which parts?
11. Which parts of the story, if any, stand out/resonate with you?
12. What did you think of the endings?

and if there's anything here that I didn't cover that you'd like to add, please do!

If you're interested, you can read the story here, and if you'd like to make changes and tweak things, let me know and I'll set up a folder where you can do that

Also I've attached a PDF for those who dislike Google Drive.

Feel free to comment here with any ideas/thoughts/criticisms, or you can PM me! And also, don't hold back. Rip it to shreds if you need to get your point across. I'm okay with that as long as it's constructive and might help make the story better.

Also, I cant offer much as far as money goes, but I would like to reward people who take the time to help me edit the script. If anyone would like a logo or GUI or art done for their game then I'd be happy to help! As long as everyone can be patient with me (as I am still helping quite a few people out with stuff for their games).

Thanks for reading!

Well, I'm going to be reading all night for work anyways. Another 8,000 words isn't going to kill me.

It might take a few days for me to get back to you, as I'm full up with submissions at the moment, but I like the concept quite a bit. Maybe this will fit in on my train ride home tomorrow.

Would you be able to provide a Google Doc for potential editors to comment on (instead of giving them editing permission, which I feel could bring some complications into the mix)? I usually either give feedback on the physical copy or through a Word Document, but it'd be very helpful to have something that I can update in real time and work on in bits and pieces.

breadslam wrote:Well, I'm going to be reading all night for work anyways. Another 8,000 words isn't going to kill me.

It might take a few days for me to get back to you, as I'm full up with submissions at the moment, but I like the concept quite a bit. Maybe this will fit in on my train ride home tomorrow.

Would you be able to provide a Google Doc for potential editors to comment on (instead of giving them editing permission, which I feel could bring some complications into the mix)? I usually either give feedback on the physical copy or through a Word Document, but it'd be very helpful to have something that I can update in real time and work on in bits and pieces.

Yaay!! Thank you so much, I hope it will be worth your time and somewhat entertaining.

Here is a comments only version of the Google Doc.

And no worries if it takes you some time to get around to. I don't have a deadline for this and the art is going to take some time, so no rush! And thanks again
(And here is an editable version just for you, just in case!)

Reading it now!
Also doing some editing on typo's and little things.

The fact that it's not "good looking" young people is really refreshing. I like where it's going so far.

1. Did you care about the characters/story?
Even though I'm fourteen years younger than Casey, I didn't have a hard time relating to her. Her insecurities are easy to relate to. Her relationship with Michael is intriguing.

Larry comes off as a little underdeveloped. And kind of a jackass. I think more development on his relationship with Caitlin would make him more human.

Michael is a little plain. I think more dialogue from him displaying other emotions (save jealousy) would add depth to his character.

2. Does everything make sense or are there any parts that are confusing?
I think the part where they go upstairs and see the knocked over feels rushed. And Larry punching Michael's ghost seemed a little immature.

3. Did you believe in the story? Even though we're inside the head of a character that lives with a ghost, were you willing to suspend disbelief and go along with it? Are there any parts that seem far-fetched/unbelievable?
Absolutely. I got so sucked into it I had to read it twice to catch everything.
The fact that Casey treats Michael as just a person really makes it believable. After 36 years of living with your twin ghost, you would get to that point. It seems very natural.

4. Were you excited to read on & find out what happens next? If so, why? If not, why not?
Yessss! Michael became so volatile near the end. It was fascinating!

5. Are there any parts of the story that are stale/boring/dull/hard to get through?
No, everything was necessary and fit well. Nothing was weird or didn't belong.

6. Did you find any spelling, grammar, or sentence structure mistakes?
A few! I suggested them in the google doc~

7. Who is/are your favorite character(s), if any? What did you like about them?
Casey, because of her acceptance and understanding of Michael.

8. Who is/are your least favorite character(s), if any? What did you dislike about them?
Larry. He seemed like a jackass.

9. Did any of the characters seem stereotypical/unreal/bland? Who, and what about them makes them that way?
Nope!

10. Did this story have any emotional impact on you? For example, did you find parts humorous/sad/scary/maddening/surprising/etc? Which parts?
Finding out Michael was dead made me stop scrolling, scroll up, and re read. I was shocked.
Kissing Michael at the end made me do the same thing. I gasped.
Her accepting her love for Michael struck a weird note with me. Realizing she wouldn't be alone and that she would always have her brother was...beautiful? I think that's the right word for it. I really liked it.

11. Which parts of the story, if any, stand out/resonate with you?
Most of the scenes with Michael.

12. What did you think of the endings?
The ending with Larry was a good ending. It gave me the warm fuzzies. No more ghost of brother to haunt them, and they got laid.

The ending with Michael, like I said, was very nice. A+.

mollycubed wrote:1. Did you care about the characters/story?
Even though I'm fourteen years younger than Casey, I didn't have a hard time relating to her. Her insecurities are easy to relate to. Her relationship with Michael is intriguing.

Larry comes off as a little underdeveloped. And kind of a jackass. I think more development on his relationship with Caitlin would make him more human.

Michael is a little plain. I think more dialogue from him displaying other emotions (save jealousy) would add depth to his character.

Wow, thank you so much for all your feedback!! This is very thorough and helpful. Do you mind if I include your username and/or real name in the game credits? (Although if you'd just prefer to use your user name and not your real name, that's cool too! Or we could also put both if you don't care. I am planning on having a credits screen on the main menu, and also a rolling credits at the end of the game)

I totally agree with you on the characters being a little underdeveloped and flat (I think this is really hard to do well in short stories)! I will try to go back and look for places that I can build on their backstories/development!

And yeah, Larry's a total jerk! (Who hurts their own dog on purpose!?)

mollycubed wrote:2. Does everything make sense or are there any parts that are confusing?
I think the part where they go upstairs and see the knocked over feels rushed. And Larry punching Michael's ghost seemed a little immature.

Good point! I actually felt the same way (both about them encountering Michael and Larry's visceral reaction to Michael), but just wanted to push and actually finish editing (I tend to get into these vicious loops where I just keep writing and rewriting). When I go back to make revisions I will try to remedy this

Also, thank you for your kind words! What you said was really encouraging, and I'm so thrilled to hear that you enjoyed it! Just the fact that one person liked it is so freaking motivating, it's an awesome feeling!! So thank you

Wow! Of course you could throw my name in there. Thanks!
You can just use mollycubed or Molly Murray, whatever you feel like.

And I'm glad I could give you some useful info and motivation!
If you'd like help in the future, let me know! I love this story so far and would be more than happy to help further it!

Edited the comments only google doc. I haven't finished yet, but planning to continue editing later on today.

Just letting you know that I finished my edits. I hope you found it helpful. I ripped it apart in some parts though--I hope you're okay with that.

I liked the story overall, but there were some points where I didn't like the protagonist so much. I pointed out such occasions in the comments. I wish Michael's character was explored more, he was my favorite of all the characters even though we don't know much about him. I found Larry okay.

Good luck in your project!

mollycubed wrote:Wow! Of course you could throw my name in there. Thanks!
You can just use mollycubed or Molly Murray, whatever you feel like.

And I'm glad I could give you some useful info and motivation!
If you'd like help in the future, let me know! I love this story so far and would be more than happy to help further it!

Cool! If it's alright with you, I'll use both
Thanks again for your feedback! It was awesome and helped me tighten up a lot of stuff gramatically/spelling-wise.

anon2045 wrote:Just letting you know that I finished my edits. I hope you found it helpful. I ripped it apart in some parts though--I hope you're okay with that.

I liked the story overall, but there were some points where I didn't like the protagonist so much. I pointed out such occasions in the comments. I wish Michael's character was explored more, he was my favorite of all the characters even though we don't know much about him. I found Larry okay.

Good luck in your project!

Thank you for being honest! I took out the one part about the midget that you thought was offensive, and I totally agree. I'm sorry you dislike Casey and were angered by one of the endings. I think I agree, Casey's not really a super likable character, but she's not awful either. I think what initially attracted me to the story was Casey's voice, and how intimate the whole thing felt. We get to crawl inside Casey's head and see everything— the good, the bad, the ugly. She's just herself.

And I have to thank you for taking the time to do all that! It helped me out so much, and it was nice to get more feedback on how the story impacted you. Do you mind if I use your user name and/or real name in the game credits as well?


Also! I spent a few hours editing and rewriting some things, and edited the original post link & PDF to include the newest version. It's not 100% done, but it is better than the initial draft I shared! I am going to keep chugging away on this, and if anyone would like to take another crack at it feel free

I didn't think about it that way before, but in hindsight it occurs to me that Casey really did feel like a real person. The honesty, even the flaws--is something rare to see in female leads, because sometimes I get the feeling--when reading other stories--that the female leads are idealized archetypes; I can't imagine them actually existing in the real world. I appreciate that Casey is written honestly and believably, giving me the option of liking or disliking some of her actions. But anyway, despite the impression I might have given in my critique, I liked the story and thought it would make a nice VN.

Also, if you can credit me as both anon2045 and nausicaa008 that will be great.

anon2045 wrote:I didn't think about it that way before, but in hindsight it occurs to me that Casey really did feel like a real person. The honesty, even the flaws--is something rare to see in female leads, because sometimes I get the feeling--when reading other stories--that the female leads are idealized archetypes; I can't imagine them actually existing in the real world. I appreciate that Casey is written honestly and believably, giving me the option of liking or disliking some of her actions. But anyway, despite the impression I might have given in my critique, I liked the story and thought it would make a nice VN.

Also, if you can credit me as both anon2045 and nausicaa008 that will be great.

Thank you for the kind words!! And I have also read about female characters that are highly idealized/almost perfect and really have a hard time relating tp them.

And I've already added both of your names (and gotten the credits screen coded already! It was amazingly easy, but the options screen is the one giving me a hard time)



Thanks again! If either you or mollycubed are working on a game & need help, please feel free to reach out! I'd be happy to proof read, or help with logo/gui/art stuff