Lucky Number 9 Demo [FEEDBACK WANTED]

[TennisHero]

This is a beta is of my visual novel "Lucky Number 9". It contains the first twenty chapters and features like music and background art are all just placeholders until the game is completed.

http://www.mediafire.com/download/lbgj8 ... .0-all.zip

SYNOPSIS
Fourteen-year-old Lucky Shotz is moving from an unnamed city to suburbs. His two goals for the upcoming school year are to make new friends and make a name for himself in his new town. When exploring the town on his bike, Lucky comes across a gym with just one girl working out. When the first day of school arrives, Lucky meets her again by chance at the bike rack. Her name is Theresa and offers to show around the town. She later tells Lucky that the school's co-ed tennis team is looking for new members and if he's interested, try to meet some new people who would be willing to join.

FEATURES
*Naming your character and town
*Multiple paths for different story arcs
*RPG style battles
*A WIP Pong minigame to simulate tennis matches

INFLUENCES
Games like Earthbound and the Final Fantasy series.
Movies like "The Bad News Bears" and "Stand By Me".

[Belgerum]

I played through it, though after a while I started skimming through some of the text somewhat instinctually... Not to say that your writing is boring or anything, but a lot of the storyline felt rushed, and there were a lot of gaps happening between scenes, so that it became hard to tell when things were happening. I think a slower pace with more individual moments, even if it covered less grounds in terms of the time period, would be more enjoyable to me, though i can't say if others will feel the same.

I also don't know if you really neeed some of the features you're using though. The short RPG battles are fun-looking, but given that this story seems pretty slice-of-life style otherwise, I don't know if they fit very well with the style. If you really need a battle or fight to break out between characters, you don't need to attach bars, numbers, and variables to it, especially since they don't really seem to alter anything in the outcome. Personally, I'd just write it out in the narrative. I'm not too sure about naming the town or mascots either, but if you have plans for using those features, then go ahead and use them.

Despite it's shortcomings, and somewhat obviously beta status, it was enjoyable though. Keep up the good work! =)

[TennisHero]

First off, I want to thank you for playing my game and leaving me feedback. I appreciate it!

You may be right about certain story elements being too short and that might be a result of trying to move the story along. That can be fixed in post. I've tried to fix this with transition cards ("The Next Day, "Later that day", "Later that night", etc...). If you could let me know which scenes I could elaborate on, that would really help me know which scenes worked and which didn't. Also, were there any character(s) you would want to see more of?

The decision to let the player name the town and school mascot was a way to make the game a more personal experience. I do have "canon names" available should the player not enter any names and go straight to the default (i.e. If the player does not enter a town name, it will automatically be sent to Lynchburg). The RPG battles were made to practice my programming skills and they merely create the illusion of playing a real game. I would argue that the juxtaposition of RPG elements in a slice-of-life story added something a little different in a Ren'py game and were inspired by the video game "Earthbound" (they both have a modern day setting, a quirky sense of humor and feature enemies like snakes, birds, and schoolyard bullies).

Thanks again!