Looking for critique on Cosmic Raven

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Shagwrath
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:08 pm
Projects: Shison L, Cosmic Raven
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Looking for critique on Cosmic Raven

#1 Post by Shagwrath » Wed Jun 29, 2016 2:51 am

Hello, hopefully this is the right place to be posting this? Sorry if not.

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I'm working on my first project, Cosmic Raven. It's about 20k words, there's some drug use, profanity and nudity. I don't want to offend anyone so it needed to be said. I don't want to give you a huge wall of text so if you want to see images and read more about the concept please see my post here: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=38658&p=420108#p420108 . I apologize for there not being any backgrounds or sprites, also please bear this in mind as to why some things may not be described in detail, as there will be audio or visual clues (not that this isn't obvious).

If you are kind enough to read my work, all I'm asking is:
* Was anything confusing?
* Would you want to see more of the story?
* Any suggestions or ideas for improvements?

And of course feel free to add anything else you want.
In exchange for the help I'll credit you in the game. Just please give thoughtful answers.

Game Download : http://progenygaming.net/staff/shagwrat ... .1-all.zip


Thanks everyone. Hope you enjoy!

Here's some screencaps if you can;t be arsed to check out the other page:
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Last edited by Shagwrath on Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Cosmic Raven - Episode 1
[KN][Comedy][Sci-Fi][Short][18+]

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Taleweaver
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Re: Looking for critique on Cosmic Raven

#2 Post by Taleweaver » Wed Jun 29, 2016 6:41 am

Moved to Beta Testing, because that's what it's closest to.
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
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Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
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Astra
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Re: Looking for critique on Cosmic Raven

#3 Post by Astra » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:08 pm

Hello! I didn't get through the full game as of right now, but I have some input and writing suggestions/corrections. I figured I might do this now since no one has replied yet.

The writing in this game is very good. The only thing I would recommend is using sentence variation. The intro narrative has a lot of long sentences, which is nice, but it also adds drama and suspense when you throw in some short sentences as well. So now here are the corrections. I'll underline what I find are issues.

"The time before my name was Nekroxx, when we still had Earth all of humanity, and our lives and a future."

"Back and forth across this emptiness that been my home now for the past 5 years."

Zoul "Oh common dipshit," (this could be read as the word common rather than a conjunction of the words come on)

Nekroxx "Yah but who bout the times before that?"

"Plus that and most of the time people know you're illegal, or think you are, and if docking authority has big enough balls to ask or checks, then he can just straight report you, or ask for a little something on the side for himself." (Again, sentence variety. This sentence is pretty awkward and long)

There is also something that caught my attention with quotations on passages from speakers. Sometimes the front end of the sentence has a quotation mark, and the end does not. Other times there are two marks on the end of one sentence. Probably something with code input, but just wanted to let you know.

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Shagwrath
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Posts: 70
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 8:08 pm
Projects: Shison L, Cosmic Raven
Organization: Progeny Gaming, LLC.
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Location: St. Louis, MO. USA.
Contact:

Re: Looking for critique on Cosmic Raven

#4 Post by Shagwrath » Tue Jul 12, 2016 2:55 am

Astra wrote:Hello! I didn't get through the full game as of right now, but I have some input and writing suggestions/corrections. I figured I might do this now since no one has replied yet.

The writing in this game is very good. The only thing I would recommend is using sentence variation. The intro narrative has a lot of long sentences, which is nice, but it also adds drama and suspense when you throw in some short sentences as well. So now here are the corrections. I'll underline what I find are issues.

"The time before my name was Nekroxx, when we still had Earth all of humanity, and our lives and a future."

"Back and forth across this emptiness that been my home now for the past 5 years."

Zoul "Oh common dipshit," (this could be read as the word common rather than a conjunction of the words come on)

Nekroxx "Yah but who bout the times before that?"

"Plus that and most of the time people know you're illegal, or think you are, and if docking authority has big enough balls to ask or checks, then he can just straight report you, or ask for a little something on the side for himself." (Again, sentence variety. This sentence is pretty awkward and long)

There is also something that caught my attention with quotations on passages from speakers. Sometimes the front end of the sentence has a quotation mark, and the end does not. Other times there are two marks on the end of one sentence. Probably something with code input, but just wanted to let you know.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me your feedback! I totally understand what you're saying about sentence variation as that was something I dealt with a lot in the last draft so I'll take the time to go back and look at these lines and change them if they were not already. I believe the quotation problem has been fixed since I posted this, but I'll make sure to double check. I have an editor going through the latest draft atm, and I'll make sure these don't get overlooked.

Again thank you so much for taking the time to read and give me your feedback, if you keep reading please let me know if you find anything else. If you want credit in my game for helping please let me know if you want to be credited as something other than Astra
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Cosmic Raven - Episode 1
[KN][Comedy][Sci-Fi][Short][18+]

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