Clair Obscur [KN, experimental] need eng. transl. proofread

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korova
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Clair Obscur [KN, experimental] need eng. transl. proofread

#1 Post by korova »

Hello !

I finally took up the courage to present a work I did a year ago and to try to translate it into english.

This is where I need your help. My game was first written in french, but I'd like it to meet a larger audience. That's why I made a draft english translation. I think the text is understandable, but I always have trouble when it come to choose a verbal form (present, simple past, present perfect, etc.). Plus I might mix american and british expressions, which won't be very logic.

So I'd really like my game to be proofread by a native english speaker to point out my mistakes to me.

Game Presentation


Everything is dark. Who are you ? Where are you ? You can only see bits of images, fragments. There are also strange murmurs nearby...

This is how the game looks like :
Game preview
Game preview
This game is a kinetic novel. It's anything but your typical VN : no choices, not event sprites or love story. It's just a strange little story, very open to your interpretation.

Download links It's not very long either, according to renpy translation wordcount is 3707 words (about 25 minutes reading)

Even if you're not in the mood for proofread, you might want to try it. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. (And if you're French, you can try it too !)

Thanks for your attention !

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Pando
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Re: Clair Obscur [KN, experimental] need eng. transl. proofr

#2 Post by Pando »

Since I saw this post I thought I needed to try this game some day, and I finally took the time to do it !

First of all, I've got to say that I really enjoyed the game ! :o
I honestly didn't know what to expect, but even if it was quite short, I really liked it. Great creative use of free resources !

As for the english translation here are my notes, FYI, the syntax: "in-game -> my suggestion"
As you'll see I've only be able to notice minor details, so I think it's a pretty good job !
I assume you're able to grep through your script files to find back the given lines :P

you must come help me -> I think it needs a "to": you must come to help me

I'm a christmas tree -> Christmas

Iris is so perfect -> if you are talking about the Iris plant group, I think you'd have to use plural: Iris are. Not sure though

my ennemies -> enemies

like I weight a ton -> weigh a ton

an no one -> and no one

a familiar place, reassuring. -> "a familiar, reassuring place" would be better style I guess

Stop restling -> what is this verb ? Not sure if it's a typo or me that doesn't know the verb

And that's it !
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korova
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Completed: Ivy, Chocolate, Time, Clair Obscur
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Re: Clair Obscur [KN, experimental] need eng. transl. proofr

#3 Post by korova »

Pando wrote:Since I saw this post I thought I needed to try this game some day, and I finally took the time to do it !

First of all, I've got to say that I really enjoyed the game ! :o
I honestly didn't know what to expect, but even if it was quite short, I really liked it. Great creative use of free resources !
Thanks ! I put a lot of time and love into it, so I'm pleased you liked it.

Thanks also for pointing mistakes to me, some I should have seen myself ! (At some point, when you've read your text so many times, you don't see anything any more...)
Pando wrote: Stop restling -> what is this verb ? Not sure if it's a typo or me that doesn't know the verb
I think I had "wrestling" in mind... One letter makes the difference sometimes !
Maybe "struggling" would be a better choice.

Anyway thanks again for you interest and your time.

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