Together At The End [Drama] [Rework]

[Jasmine Quartz]

Together At The End (A complete rework of "aaand now i'm a box")
Hello, you might not know this, but I actually made a post last year about a demo I made.
Well, after reading through all the criticism and trying to identify the problems. I've redesigned whole demo.
It's now just a straightforward story visual novel, decided to ditch the gameplay elements to focus completely on getting the story right.
It's also a lot shorter only about half an hour's play time.
More importantly though i've tried to clean up what i think was a very messy over-exposited story. Tried to keep away from dull backstory and rely more on what I can do with the world and what I thought to be some of the stronger ideas in the story.

What's it about?
God has decided that time has run its due course and now existence is coming to a close. The world is now bleach white, and in 80 days it will be a complete void as everyone and everything fades out of existence. This is not a story about saving the world as much as it is a story about coping with the end.

Download link:
https://mega.nz/#!uR0kxZga!ogKvcv_JaGWQ ... APJx_vZ7i4

About Criticism:
So last year, I actually pretended that I was making the post for a friend so they "wouldn't have to face the criticism directly."
But really all I wanted is for you guys to hold nothing back. That's what you did, and i'm very grateful.
And that's exactly what I need from you guys again, no hard feelings, hit me with everything you got, I can take it.
You have my word that I won't be this guy:
https://youtu.be/yJ-Z_DW0AuE?t=152

Screenshots:




Thanks for reading!
p.s. I've used a couple pieces of copyright material, don't worry if you notice them, they're just temp images, i'll change them if playtesting goes well and i'm looking to officially release.

[Rarykos]

Downloading! Let's see what's here!

[Rarykos]

Okay I played through!
I'll be honest, like you wanted.
It feels like a first draft. It needs a lot of editing. I'd try to cut down on the text. You don't have to write everything, the audience can deduct and fill the missing elements themselves.

For writing I'll say that you should stay away from passive voice when describing because the tempo halts to 0 right there.
Long sentences that convey very little information, or information that's not really important kill the tempo and make reading dull.

There's definitely a good story there! And all the pieces are there. You just have to edit it thoroughly, pick which pieces are essential and polish them.
I'm sure it could be cut down in half and be more entertaining.
I'll propose a simple exercise. Think what each scene needs to convey, and try to say it using the least amount of words. Build from that. Keep the reader interested.
I feel like you could use some outlining and cutting the fluff.
Try to expose your interesting ideas. The beginning didn't really make me super interested. What's the hook? Keep me reading.
Why should I care about these characters? I never identified with their goals/dreams/past.

In the writing section of lemmasoft there's an archive of useful writing links. Read through that!


I'm in a funny situation to criticize your work because I made a very similar story game which is about the end of the world and coping but it's pure dialog.