Check my script?

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Chell
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Check my script?

#1 Post by Chell » Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:21 pm

Hello everyone!

'tis the first chapter (possibly) of a VN in the making and I'd be so happy to hear feedback on it.

Ah I don't know what to say about it other than "I've been working on it for months and I hope the ideas aren't too bad". Thanks ~



e "I hate the word "attitude"."
e "They say I should have some attitude. Well, for some of us, it really doesn't matter how much attitude we have, we will always be lowlives."
e "Attitude isn't for the lowlives."
e "The system is inhuman, but we must survive through it."
e "And thus inhuman we become."
e "But is this anything but the obvious?"
e "Everyone's but a bunch of stars one trying to shine above the other."
e "Natural selection continues. Humans still haven't stopped degladiating themselves, except now it's happening in a sneaky way."
e "I guess this is why, at some point, I decided to just chase after what's better for myself."
e "Never give up on your dreams, even if you don't deserve them one bit - this is what I live by now."
e "And, well... [w] I wouldn't say I didn't end up stumbling on some... [w] things.
[shaking camera, transition to shelves full of otaku merch, bedroom]
e "And by "things", I mean Doki Doki Boys Passion, which isn't just any "thing"! ...
e "Doki Doki Boys Passion 7 is the newest rendition of the worldly-renowed game franchise Doki Doki Boys Passion."
e "Loved by maidens of the whole world, the secret that keeps people coming back to it is..."
e "Of course, top husbando Akira Tachibana!"
e "Husbando to literally every smart woman in the world these days, haters say he's nothing but a ripoff of legend Makoto Tachibana."
e "I say this is history repeating itself."
[ingame scene]
e "I brought this for you today. It's strawberry pudding."
e "> I don't feel like eating pudding today..."
e "O-oh!! You don't? I'm sorry! Come to think of it, hot weather really isn't the best for pudding, huh... How about we go out for ice cream, then?"
e "> Thanks so much, dear!
e "I should be thanking you for being so kind always, [Name]!" (All in Japanese)
[back]
e "Ah. This is a worthy husbando, everything else is just trash."
[beep] sound
e "Oh... it's already 2 AM."
e "I should probably go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day... (habilitar a opção de agenda)"
e "Good night, my dear Akira." [turns off game]
e "...and hello, my dear Ichirou!"
e "You lookin' great today, my..."
e "..."
e "Zzz..."

[next day] [beep]

e "Oh... already?"
e "Let me check my schedule for today..."

[Guide with floating things etc:
Click this button whenever you want to check your schedule!]

[display schedule]
8:00 - Work
10:00-12:00 - Meeting with directors
12:00-13:30 - Go see my brother @ airport
18:00-19:00 - Grocery shopping
21:00 - Doki Doki BP?!

e "It's already the 21th!!"
[Fade in calendar - April 21] [rustling noises]
e "*Rustle, rustle*"
e "No way I can organize all of this right now..."
e "Let's just hide the otaku merch and go."


[transition]

e "> Good morning!" +rep
"> "Hey, everyone."

e "Ah, she's there! Good morning, chief!" (Smiling dude) +Shiba
e "Good morning, Shiba. What's going on?"
e "Well, a lot of things."
e "Such as...?"
e "Mai needs to speak to you about the rise of the prices of the commodities."
e "It may deem some of our projects unworthy. Speaking of which, our social project in the island needs to be reviewed..."
e "By the way, the sink broke, and..."
e "But today we have the meeting! There's no time for all that right now. The meeting is in less than two hours!"
e "... Oh."
e "Shiba's 'Oh' may be literally the number one answer I hate in the world, but I take a deep breath for all the world is worth. Or not worth."
e "... Alright, Shiba. Please take care of the sink while I go talk to Mai. The number of the __seguro?__ is 180*1800. Dial it and they should arrive soon.
e "Yes'sir! ... Miss!"
e "Sigh..."
e "It's been three years and I still have to deal with this kind of shit around here."
e "I am such a blessed angel. I'm an angel. Please, someone take me back to heaven."
[scenery Mai office]
e "Good morning, Mai! What's wrong?"
e "Oh, miss ___! I needed to show you something... it's not really nice, but..."
e ">Please, straight to the point, Mai."
e ">I know it already, calm down."
e "O-oh. I'm sorry..."
e "Do you?... Did Shiba tell you about it? Yes, the news are not good. As you can see the prices of commodities are on the rise. For three months straight, actually."
e "It's really making things harder for us here in the department."


e "We talked to the distributors already, and they said there's no way to lower the prices. We searched for other distributors, but..."
e "Mai shows me a list with well over fifty names on the computer screen."
e "It's... like that. Should we contact them all?"
e "... D-did you already organize it like that? Let me take a closer look..."
e "Mai is insane. She. Is. Insane."
e "So many names on this list... I only know a handful of them."
e "Let me take care of this personally, Mai. Don't worry about it anymore. I'll probably be able to answer you tomorrow."
e "Thanks, boss!"
e "Welcome."
e "Run away like there's no tomorrow from the dragon's lair."
[back]
e "... Not that I'm any better, come to think of it."
e "I should be preparing for my quest, though. Meeting... Ah... The meeting..."
e "At this point, Shiba should be back already... Maybe I should..."
e "> Check on Shiba?"
e "> Prepare for the meeting?"

e "Yes, I will definitely go check on Shiba."
e "Shiba, excuse m..."
e "On that moment, I saw a scene I should never have seen for the sake of my mental health."
e "Shiba trying to fix the sink and failing so miserably the whole toilet looked like a reenaction of Titanic."
e "Despite my strong urge to scream why the fuck Shiba did not dial like a mad woman, I will take a deep breath and..."
[shakes screen]
e "WHY DID YOU NOT DIAL"
e "S-S-SORRY. MISS!!"
e "I-I thought we needed to cut expenses and..."
e "Shiba, just DIAL 180*1800."
e "Like an actual mad woman, I take a towel to cease the water flow while Shiba runs away."
e "Being a boss is suffering."
e "Akira, save me..."

e "Well, maybe I should just rehearse for the meeting." (+ success probability)
e "Maybe I should talk about the rise in price of commodities... Or maybe not..."
e "I would like to solve this by myself, but maybe they know someone on that list..."
e "I don't want them to see me as unreliable, though... What to do..."
e "Maybe I should rehearse how I'll present the question to them."
e "Let's see... *ahem* We have a problem in the hardware department. The rise in prices of commodities..."
e "No, no, this will sound too much like I want to give them a problem..."
e "Which I really should not. Well, then..."

e "After a while, I felt a bit more confident in myself."


e "After a while, Shiba came back with some 3 feet tall dude."
e "I had to go change, for my clothes were already wet and I couldn't possibly meet with the directors like that."
e "Just like that, the time of the meeting arrived."

"Capitalism is a necessary evil. Feelings of hopelessness have no place."
"If you really want something, go for it. If you go for it with all your might, you're prone to get it, I was taught."
“So I go into meetings with the appropriate mindset: It’s going to work out properly somehow.”

e "The meeting went just as I expected. Lots of boring talk and I could not bring myself to talk about the issue in the pieces purchase department."
e "I hope I am able to sort things out with Mai..."
e "The meeting went better than I expected."
e "I managed to tell my problem to the directors and ask for help."
e "They didn't personally know any of the manufacturers, which sucks, but at least they will ask around their sectors."
e "I hope all goes well for Mai, too."

e "Well... It's lunchtime."
e "Deep sigh."
e "It's time to meet him."
e "Not gonna lie to myself, I really wish I didn't have to."
e "The crazy beast, the weirdo, the one who never keeps quiet and never stays in a single place, my dear aniki."
e "I should take good care of him as the older sister, but..."
e "...fuck that, I will hate him as long as he hates my husbandos!!"
e "No love for my husbandos means no love for me."

[airport]

e "The plane has already arrived, so he should be someplace here..."
e "Maybe I should just message him."
[Cellphone] [Message brother]
e "Anytime now, and..."
e [shakes screen] "Siiiiiister!!"
e "I suddenly felt a heavy weight on my back. Like, super heavy. Heavier than the weight of being an older sister."
e "It was precisely because of being an older sister. Ah, so many weights."
e "Please... spare me."
e "Tee hee! How are you doing, sis?"
e "Wow, this place manages to be even cooler than I expected, and I expected it to be cool."
e "So much cooler than the island. Not better, but really different. I'll miss there but this isn't bad... Oh! Look at those blue lights!"
e "He spoke so quickly I had to actually reprocess the words in my brain so I could understand them. Island. Oh yeah, where he lived. Blue lights... the station's lights?"
e "Ah, youth."
e "How are things around here, sis?"
e "Really good until just today."
e "Great, really. Work is a bit stressful but I can't complain. Speaking of which, do you want to work for me?"
e "So you can rent your own apartment."
e "For your company? But what good would I be...?"
e "Well, we're always in need of more people, so..."
e "You speak a bit of Chinese, right? We wouldn't mind having someone to help with the communication with Chinese manufacturers."
e "And I wouldn't mind paying you to cover your own expenses instead of being a freeloader."
e "Really?! Wow, sis, you're amazing!"
e “Eh… whatever.”
e "Let me drive you there, so you can start getting used to what we do there."
e "Oh, right now? But my luggage... No, it's okay, no problem. Can I just leave them in your car?"
e "Of course, silly."
e "Thanks!"

[humorous/ironic situation/freeloader music. Odango mitai]
e "It's day one and I'm already tired after just an hour."
e "I politely smile, while he goes on and on about his travels and stuff."
e "And stuff. And stuff. And so on."
e "I'm sure some of it is important, but do I really have to listen to him speak about travels while I can't leave the office for a week straight?"
e "Are you listening, sister? It was really, really huge!"
e "Ah. Yes. Yes."
e "Okay, cool! So, when we went there after that..."
e "Wow. Seriously wow."

e "Here it is!"
e "Ohh! This is where you work, sister? It's beautiful!"
e "Yeah, the building is. It's not all ours though. We only have two rooms there. The corporation is pretty well off but it's spread through other cities too."
e "I see. Wow, but it's really just like the ones in movies and stuff."
e "My little brother is so cute I often find myself speaking to him just like one would speak to a child."
e "Except he is already twenty three and definitely not a child in the physical sense."
e "We get into the building and he keeps staring at everything: vases, doors, lights."
e "Ah, I really do not get my brother."
e "So... this is the room in which I work everyday."
e "I see... Hi, everyone!"
e "...What."
e "B-brother, this isn't kindergarten y'know..."
e "I know, I just kind of wanted to heat up things around a bit."
e "Things are already heated up enough around here all the time, though."
e "Tee hee."
e "I scratch my head unsure if he's just being mischievous or really stupid."
e "Does he not realize the importance of concentrating for these people right now? Everyone is gonna hate him already if he acts like a child."
e "Alright, I'll keep quiet."
e "As I take him around the cubicles of the space in which I work, the bosses walk past us, leaving the conference room."
e "I courteously bow lightly, as I always do out of habit. This time, however, my brother is the center of their attention."
e "Some of them stare for a long time, and I start feeling uneasy about taking this odd presence there..."
e "Although I really shouldn't, since I'm the boss and I'm just showing the place to someone who's going to be working here. Shoo, anxious thoughts!"
e "He is nicely dressed and just displays some odd behavior, after all... right?"

{ ... }

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hyesunxoxo
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Posts: 54
Joined: Fri May 12, 2017 6:50 am
Projects: Phantom of the Blooming Rose, Robin's Hood, Songs and Symphonies, Reflections ~Dreams and Reality~
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Location: Philippines
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Re: Check my script?

#2 Post by hyesunxoxo » Wed Jun 14, 2017 8:52 pm

Do you perhaps use google docs in any way? It would be much easier for us to write our comments there (if you don't want your script edited outright or want to see descriptions of what needs to be edited).

Also, if you are not that confident of your writing and would like some feedback or just conversations about it, you should most probably check out Discord servers that cater writers of different genres and discuss there.

Anyhow, not saying it is not right to post here (since I bet it's okay) and I'm sure there are people out there who would love to help. Furthermore, if you want your whole project proofread or edited, maybe you could hire someone to do it for your team? That would be ideal as well.

Good day!

Chell
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2016 10:11 pm
Tumblr: castlorm
itch: lycheeclub
Contact:

Re: Check my script?

#3 Post by Chell » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:58 am

hyesunxoxo wrote:Do you perhaps use google docs in any way? It would be much easier for us to write our comments there (if you don't want your script edited outright or want to see descriptions of what needs to be edited).

Also, if you are not that confident of your writing and would like some feedback or just conversations about it, you should most probably check out Discord servers that cater writers of different genres and discuss there.

Anyhow, not saying it is not right to post here (since I bet it's okay) and I'm sure there are people out there who would love to help. Furthermore, if you want your whole project proofread or edited, maybe you could hire someone to do it for your team? That would be ideal as well.

Good day!
Hey ^_^ I do, actually it was on Docs.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JLc ... sp=sharing
I wanted creative feedback actually ; I didn't proofread it yet but I'd do it no problem. I wanted to know actually if it's interesting so far and whatever you'd recommend, storywise. I don't use Discord but thanks for the tip, I'll check! Thank you! *^_^*

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