Check my script?
Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:21 pm
Hello everyone!
'tis the first chapter (possibly) of a VN in the making and I'd be so happy to hear feedback on it.
Ah I don't know what to say about it other than "I've been working on it for months and I hope the ideas aren't too bad". Thanks ~
e "I hate the word "attitude"."
e "They say I should have some attitude. Well, for some of us, it really doesn't matter how much attitude we have, we will always be lowlives."
e "Attitude isn't for the lowlives."
e "The system is inhuman, but we must survive through it."
e "And thus inhuman we become."
e "But is this anything but the obvious?"
e "Everyone's but a bunch of stars one trying to shine above the other."
e "Natural selection continues. Humans still haven't stopped degladiating themselves, except now it's happening in a sneaky way."
e "I guess this is why, at some point, I decided to just chase after what's better for myself."
e "Never give up on your dreams, even if you don't deserve them one bit - this is what I live by now."
e "And, well... [w] I wouldn't say I didn't end up stumbling on some... [w] things.
[shaking camera, transition to shelves full of otaku merch, bedroom]
e "And by "things", I mean Doki Doki Boys Passion, which isn't just any "thing"! ...
e "Doki Doki Boys Passion 7 is the newest rendition of the worldly-renowed game franchise Doki Doki Boys Passion."
e "Loved by maidens of the whole world, the secret that keeps people coming back to it is..."
e "Of course, top husbando Akira Tachibana!"
e "Husbando to literally every smart woman in the world these days, haters say he's nothing but a ripoff of legend Makoto Tachibana."
e "I say this is history repeating itself."
[ingame scene]
e "I brought this for you today. It's strawberry pudding."
e "> I don't feel like eating pudding today..."
e "O-oh!! You don't? I'm sorry! Come to think of it, hot weather really isn't the best for pudding, huh... How about we go out for ice cream, then?"
e "> Thanks so much, dear!
e "I should be thanking you for being so kind always, [Name]!" (All in Japanese)
[back]
e "Ah. This is a worthy husbando, everything else is just trash."
[beep] sound
e "Oh... it's already 2 AM."
e "I should probably go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day... (habilitar a opção de agenda)"
e "Good night, my dear Akira." [turns off game]
e "...and hello, my dear Ichirou!"
e "You lookin' great today, my..."
e "..."
e "Zzz..."
[next day] [beep]
e "Oh... already?"
e "Let me check my schedule for today..."
[Guide with floating things etc:
Click this button whenever you want to check your schedule!]
[display schedule]
8:00 - Work
10:00-12:00 - Meeting with directors
12:00-13:30 - Go see my brother @ airport
18:00-19:00 - Grocery shopping
21:00 - Doki Doki BP?!
e "It's already the 21th!!"
[Fade in calendar - April 21] [rustling noises]
e "*Rustle, rustle*"
e "No way I can organize all of this right now..."
e "Let's just hide the otaku merch and go."
[transition]
e "> Good morning!" +rep
"> "Hey, everyone."
e "Ah, she's there! Good morning, chief!" (Smiling dude) +Shiba
e "Good morning, Shiba. What's going on?"
e "Well, a lot of things."
e "Such as...?"
e "Mai needs to speak to you about the rise of the prices of the commodities."
e "It may deem some of our projects unworthy. Speaking of which, our social project in the island needs to be reviewed..."
e "By the way, the sink broke, and..."
e "But today we have the meeting! There's no time for all that right now. The meeting is in less than two hours!"
e "... Oh."
e "Shiba's 'Oh' may be literally the number one answer I hate in the world, but I take a deep breath for all the world is worth. Or not worth."
e "... Alright, Shiba. Please take care of the sink while I go talk to Mai. The number of the __seguro?__ is 180*1800. Dial it and they should arrive soon.
e "Yes'sir! ... Miss!"
e "Sigh..."
e "It's been three years and I still have to deal with this kind of shit around here."
e "I am such a blessed angel. I'm an angel. Please, someone take me back to heaven."
[scenery Mai office]
e "Good morning, Mai! What's wrong?"
e "Oh, miss ___! I needed to show you something... it's not really nice, but..."
e ">Please, straight to the point, Mai."
e ">I know it already, calm down."
e "O-oh. I'm sorry..."
e "Do you?... Did Shiba tell you about it? Yes, the news are not good. As you can see the prices of commodities are on the rise. For three months straight, actually."
e "It's really making things harder for us here in the department."
e "We talked to the distributors already, and they said there's no way to lower the prices. We searched for other distributors, but..."
e "Mai shows me a list with well over fifty names on the computer screen."
e "It's... like that. Should we contact them all?"
e "... D-did you already organize it like that? Let me take a closer look..."
e "Mai is insane. She. Is. Insane."
e "So many names on this list... I only know a handful of them."
e "Let me take care of this personally, Mai. Don't worry about it anymore. I'll probably be able to answer you tomorrow."
e "Thanks, boss!"
e "Welcome."
e "Run away like there's no tomorrow from the dragon's lair."
[back]
e "... Not that I'm any better, come to think of it."
e "I should be preparing for my quest, though. Meeting... Ah... The meeting..."
e "At this point, Shiba should be back already... Maybe I should..."
e "> Check on Shiba?"
e "> Prepare for the meeting?"
e "Yes, I will definitely go check on Shiba."
e "Shiba, excuse m..."
e "On that moment, I saw a scene I should never have seen for the sake of my mental health."
e "Shiba trying to fix the sink and failing so miserably the whole toilet looked like a reenaction of Titanic."
e "Despite my strong urge to scream why the fuck Shiba did not dial like a mad woman, I will take a deep breath and..."
[shakes screen]
e "WHY DID YOU NOT DIAL"
e "S-S-SORRY. MISS!!"
e "I-I thought we needed to cut expenses and..."
e "Shiba, just DIAL 180*1800."
e "Like an actual mad woman, I take a towel to cease the water flow while Shiba runs away."
e "Being a boss is suffering."
e "Akira, save me..."
e "Well, maybe I should just rehearse for the meeting." (+ success probability)
e "Maybe I should talk about the rise in price of commodities... Or maybe not..."
e "I would like to solve this by myself, but maybe they know someone on that list..."
e "I don't want them to see me as unreliable, though... What to do..."
e "Maybe I should rehearse how I'll present the question to them."
e "Let's see... *ahem* We have a problem in the hardware department. The rise in prices of commodities..."
e "No, no, this will sound too much like I want to give them a problem..."
e "Which I really should not. Well, then..."
e "After a while, I felt a bit more confident in myself."
e "After a while, Shiba came back with some 3 feet tall dude."
e "I had to go change, for my clothes were already wet and I couldn't possibly meet with the directors like that."
e "Just like that, the time of the meeting arrived."
"Capitalism is a necessary evil. Feelings of hopelessness have no place."
"If you really want something, go for it. If you go for it with all your might, you're prone to get it, I was taught."
“So I go into meetings with the appropriate mindset: It’s going to work out properly somehow.”
e "The meeting went just as I expected. Lots of boring talk and I could not bring myself to talk about the issue in the pieces purchase department."
e "I hope I am able to sort things out with Mai..."
e "The meeting went better than I expected."
e "I managed to tell my problem to the directors and ask for help."
e "They didn't personally know any of the manufacturers, which sucks, but at least they will ask around their sectors."
e "I hope all goes well for Mai, too."
e "Well... It's lunchtime."
e "Deep sigh."
e "It's time to meet him."
e "Not gonna lie to myself, I really wish I didn't have to."
e "The crazy beast, the weirdo, the one who never keeps quiet and never stays in a single place, my dear aniki."
e "I should take good care of him as the older sister, but..."
e "...fuck that, I will hate him as long as he hates my husbandos!!"
e "No love for my husbandos means no love for me."
[airport]
e "The plane has already arrived, so he should be someplace here..."
e "Maybe I should just message him."
[Cellphone] [Message brother]
e "Anytime now, and..."
e [shakes screen] "Siiiiiister!!"
e "I suddenly felt a heavy weight on my back. Like, super heavy. Heavier than the weight of being an older sister."
e "It was precisely because of being an older sister. Ah, so many weights."
e "Please... spare me."
e "Tee hee! How are you doing, sis?"
e "Wow, this place manages to be even cooler than I expected, and I expected it to be cool."
e "So much cooler than the island. Not better, but really different. I'll miss there but this isn't bad... Oh! Look at those blue lights!"
e "He spoke so quickly I had to actually reprocess the words in my brain so I could understand them. Island. Oh yeah, where he lived. Blue lights... the station's lights?"
e "Ah, youth."
e "How are things around here, sis?"
e "Really good until just today."
e "Great, really. Work is a bit stressful but I can't complain. Speaking of which, do you want to work for me?"
e "So you can rent your own apartment."
e "For your company? But what good would I be...?"
e "Well, we're always in need of more people, so..."
e "You speak a bit of Chinese, right? We wouldn't mind having someone to help with the communication with Chinese manufacturers."
e "And I wouldn't mind paying you to cover your own expenses instead of being a freeloader."
e "Really?! Wow, sis, you're amazing!"
e “Eh… whatever.”
e "Let me drive you there, so you can start getting used to what we do there."
e "Oh, right now? But my luggage... No, it's okay, no problem. Can I just leave them in your car?"
e "Of course, silly."
e "Thanks!"
[humorous/ironic situation/freeloader music. Odango mitai]
e "It's day one and I'm already tired after just an hour."
e "I politely smile, while he goes on and on about his travels and stuff."
e "And stuff. And stuff. And so on."
e "I'm sure some of it is important, but do I really have to listen to him speak about travels while I can't leave the office for a week straight?"
e "Are you listening, sister? It was really, really huge!"
e "Ah. Yes. Yes."
e "Okay, cool! So, when we went there after that..."
e "Wow. Seriously wow."
e "Here it is!"
e "Ohh! This is where you work, sister? It's beautiful!"
e "Yeah, the building is. It's not all ours though. We only have two rooms there. The corporation is pretty well off but it's spread through other cities too."
e "I see. Wow, but it's really just like the ones in movies and stuff."
e "My little brother is so cute I often find myself speaking to him just like one would speak to a child."
e "Except he is already twenty three and definitely not a child in the physical sense."
e "We get into the building and he keeps staring at everything: vases, doors, lights."
e "Ah, I really do not get my brother."
e "So... this is the room in which I work everyday."
e "I see... Hi, everyone!"
e "...What."
e "B-brother, this isn't kindergarten y'know..."
e "I know, I just kind of wanted to heat up things around a bit."
e "Things are already heated up enough around here all the time, though."
e "Tee hee."
e "I scratch my head unsure if he's just being mischievous or really stupid."
e "Does he not realize the importance of concentrating for these people right now? Everyone is gonna hate him already if he acts like a child."
e "Alright, I'll keep quiet."
e "As I take him around the cubicles of the space in which I work, the bosses walk past us, leaving the conference room."
e "I courteously bow lightly, as I always do out of habit. This time, however, my brother is the center of their attention."
e "Some of them stare for a long time, and I start feeling uneasy about taking this odd presence there..."
e "Although I really shouldn't, since I'm the boss and I'm just showing the place to someone who's going to be working here. Shoo, anxious thoughts!"
e "He is nicely dressed and just displays some odd behavior, after all... right?"
{ ... }
'tis the first chapter (possibly) of a VN in the making and I'd be so happy to hear feedback on it.
Ah I don't know what to say about it other than "I've been working on it for months and I hope the ideas aren't too bad". Thanks ~
e "I hate the word "attitude"."
e "They say I should have some attitude. Well, for some of us, it really doesn't matter how much attitude we have, we will always be lowlives."
e "Attitude isn't for the lowlives."
e "The system is inhuman, but we must survive through it."
e "And thus inhuman we become."
e "But is this anything but the obvious?"
e "Everyone's but a bunch of stars one trying to shine above the other."
e "Natural selection continues. Humans still haven't stopped degladiating themselves, except now it's happening in a sneaky way."
e "I guess this is why, at some point, I decided to just chase after what's better for myself."
e "Never give up on your dreams, even if you don't deserve them one bit - this is what I live by now."
e "And, well... [w] I wouldn't say I didn't end up stumbling on some... [w] things.
[shaking camera, transition to shelves full of otaku merch, bedroom]
e "And by "things", I mean Doki Doki Boys Passion, which isn't just any "thing"! ...
e "Doki Doki Boys Passion 7 is the newest rendition of the worldly-renowed game franchise Doki Doki Boys Passion."
e "Loved by maidens of the whole world, the secret that keeps people coming back to it is..."
e "Of course, top husbando Akira Tachibana!"
e "Husbando to literally every smart woman in the world these days, haters say he's nothing but a ripoff of legend Makoto Tachibana."
e "I say this is history repeating itself."
[ingame scene]
e "I brought this for you today. It's strawberry pudding."
e "> I don't feel like eating pudding today..."
e "O-oh!! You don't? I'm sorry! Come to think of it, hot weather really isn't the best for pudding, huh... How about we go out for ice cream, then?"
e "> Thanks so much, dear!
e "I should be thanking you for being so kind always, [Name]!" (All in Japanese)
[back]
e "Ah. This is a worthy husbando, everything else is just trash."
[beep] sound
e "Oh... it's already 2 AM."
e "I should probably go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day... (habilitar a opção de agenda)"
e "Good night, my dear Akira." [turns off game]
e "...and hello, my dear Ichirou!"
e "You lookin' great today, my..."
e "..."
e "Zzz..."
[next day] [beep]
e "Oh... already?"
e "Let me check my schedule for today..."
[Guide with floating things etc:
Click this button whenever you want to check your schedule!]
[display schedule]
8:00 - Work
10:00-12:00 - Meeting with directors
12:00-13:30 - Go see my brother @ airport
18:00-19:00 - Grocery shopping
21:00 - Doki Doki BP?!
e "It's already the 21th!!"
[Fade in calendar - April 21] [rustling noises]
e "*Rustle, rustle*"
e "No way I can organize all of this right now..."
e "Let's just hide the otaku merch and go."
[transition]
e "> Good morning!" +rep
"> "Hey, everyone."
e "Ah, she's there! Good morning, chief!" (Smiling dude) +Shiba
e "Good morning, Shiba. What's going on?"
e "Well, a lot of things."
e "Such as...?"
e "Mai needs to speak to you about the rise of the prices of the commodities."
e "It may deem some of our projects unworthy. Speaking of which, our social project in the island needs to be reviewed..."
e "By the way, the sink broke, and..."
e "But today we have the meeting! There's no time for all that right now. The meeting is in less than two hours!"
e "... Oh."
e "Shiba's 'Oh' may be literally the number one answer I hate in the world, but I take a deep breath for all the world is worth. Or not worth."
e "... Alright, Shiba. Please take care of the sink while I go talk to Mai. The number of the __seguro?__ is 180*1800. Dial it and they should arrive soon.
e "Yes'sir! ... Miss!"
e "Sigh..."
e "It's been three years and I still have to deal with this kind of shit around here."
e "I am such a blessed angel. I'm an angel. Please, someone take me back to heaven."
[scenery Mai office]
e "Good morning, Mai! What's wrong?"
e "Oh, miss ___! I needed to show you something... it's not really nice, but..."
e ">Please, straight to the point, Mai."
e ">I know it already, calm down."
e "O-oh. I'm sorry..."
e "Do you?... Did Shiba tell you about it? Yes, the news are not good. As you can see the prices of commodities are on the rise. For three months straight, actually."
e "It's really making things harder for us here in the department."
e "We talked to the distributors already, and they said there's no way to lower the prices. We searched for other distributors, but..."
e "Mai shows me a list with well over fifty names on the computer screen."
e "It's... like that. Should we contact them all?"
e "... D-did you already organize it like that? Let me take a closer look..."
e "Mai is insane. She. Is. Insane."
e "So many names on this list... I only know a handful of them."
e "Let me take care of this personally, Mai. Don't worry about it anymore. I'll probably be able to answer you tomorrow."
e "Thanks, boss!"
e "Welcome."
e "Run away like there's no tomorrow from the dragon's lair."
[back]
e "... Not that I'm any better, come to think of it."
e "I should be preparing for my quest, though. Meeting... Ah... The meeting..."
e "At this point, Shiba should be back already... Maybe I should..."
e "> Check on Shiba?"
e "> Prepare for the meeting?"
e "Yes, I will definitely go check on Shiba."
e "Shiba, excuse m..."
e "On that moment, I saw a scene I should never have seen for the sake of my mental health."
e "Shiba trying to fix the sink and failing so miserably the whole toilet looked like a reenaction of Titanic."
e "Despite my strong urge to scream why the fuck Shiba did not dial like a mad woman, I will take a deep breath and..."
[shakes screen]
e "WHY DID YOU NOT DIAL"
e "S-S-SORRY. MISS!!"
e "I-I thought we needed to cut expenses and..."
e "Shiba, just DIAL 180*1800."
e "Like an actual mad woman, I take a towel to cease the water flow while Shiba runs away."
e "Being a boss is suffering."
e "Akira, save me..."
e "Well, maybe I should just rehearse for the meeting." (+ success probability)
e "Maybe I should talk about the rise in price of commodities... Or maybe not..."
e "I would like to solve this by myself, but maybe they know someone on that list..."
e "I don't want them to see me as unreliable, though... What to do..."
e "Maybe I should rehearse how I'll present the question to them."
e "Let's see... *ahem* We have a problem in the hardware department. The rise in prices of commodities..."
e "No, no, this will sound too much like I want to give them a problem..."
e "Which I really should not. Well, then..."
e "After a while, I felt a bit more confident in myself."
e "After a while, Shiba came back with some 3 feet tall dude."
e "I had to go change, for my clothes were already wet and I couldn't possibly meet with the directors like that."
e "Just like that, the time of the meeting arrived."
"Capitalism is a necessary evil. Feelings of hopelessness have no place."
"If you really want something, go for it. If you go for it with all your might, you're prone to get it, I was taught."
“So I go into meetings with the appropriate mindset: It’s going to work out properly somehow.”
e "The meeting went just as I expected. Lots of boring talk and I could not bring myself to talk about the issue in the pieces purchase department."
e "I hope I am able to sort things out with Mai..."
e "The meeting went better than I expected."
e "I managed to tell my problem to the directors and ask for help."
e "They didn't personally know any of the manufacturers, which sucks, but at least they will ask around their sectors."
e "I hope all goes well for Mai, too."
e "Well... It's lunchtime."
e "Deep sigh."
e "It's time to meet him."
e "Not gonna lie to myself, I really wish I didn't have to."
e "The crazy beast, the weirdo, the one who never keeps quiet and never stays in a single place, my dear aniki."
e "I should take good care of him as the older sister, but..."
e "...fuck that, I will hate him as long as he hates my husbandos!!"
e "No love for my husbandos means no love for me."
[airport]
e "The plane has already arrived, so he should be someplace here..."
e "Maybe I should just message him."
[Cellphone] [Message brother]
e "Anytime now, and..."
e [shakes screen] "Siiiiiister!!"
e "I suddenly felt a heavy weight on my back. Like, super heavy. Heavier than the weight of being an older sister."
e "It was precisely because of being an older sister. Ah, so many weights."
e "Please... spare me."
e "Tee hee! How are you doing, sis?"
e "Wow, this place manages to be even cooler than I expected, and I expected it to be cool."
e "So much cooler than the island. Not better, but really different. I'll miss there but this isn't bad... Oh! Look at those blue lights!"
e "He spoke so quickly I had to actually reprocess the words in my brain so I could understand them. Island. Oh yeah, where he lived. Blue lights... the station's lights?"
e "Ah, youth."
e "How are things around here, sis?"
e "Really good until just today."
e "Great, really. Work is a bit stressful but I can't complain. Speaking of which, do you want to work for me?"
e "So you can rent your own apartment."
e "For your company? But what good would I be...?"
e "Well, we're always in need of more people, so..."
e "You speak a bit of Chinese, right? We wouldn't mind having someone to help with the communication with Chinese manufacturers."
e "And I wouldn't mind paying you to cover your own expenses instead of being a freeloader."
e "Really?! Wow, sis, you're amazing!"
e “Eh… whatever.”
e "Let me drive you there, so you can start getting used to what we do there."
e "Oh, right now? But my luggage... No, it's okay, no problem. Can I just leave them in your car?"
e "Of course, silly."
e "Thanks!"
[humorous/ironic situation/freeloader music. Odango mitai]
e "It's day one and I'm already tired after just an hour."
e "I politely smile, while he goes on and on about his travels and stuff."
e "And stuff. And stuff. And so on."
e "I'm sure some of it is important, but do I really have to listen to him speak about travels while I can't leave the office for a week straight?"
e "Are you listening, sister? It was really, really huge!"
e "Ah. Yes. Yes."
e "Okay, cool! So, when we went there after that..."
e "Wow. Seriously wow."
e "Here it is!"
e "Ohh! This is where you work, sister? It's beautiful!"
e "Yeah, the building is. It's not all ours though. We only have two rooms there. The corporation is pretty well off but it's spread through other cities too."
e "I see. Wow, but it's really just like the ones in movies and stuff."
e "My little brother is so cute I often find myself speaking to him just like one would speak to a child."
e "Except he is already twenty three and definitely not a child in the physical sense."
e "We get into the building and he keeps staring at everything: vases, doors, lights."
e "Ah, I really do not get my brother."
e "So... this is the room in which I work everyday."
e "I see... Hi, everyone!"
e "...What."
e "B-brother, this isn't kindergarten y'know..."
e "I know, I just kind of wanted to heat up things around a bit."
e "Things are already heated up enough around here all the time, though."
e "Tee hee."
e "I scratch my head unsure if he's just being mischievous or really stupid."
e "Does he not realize the importance of concentrating for these people right now? Everyone is gonna hate him already if he acts like a child."
e "Alright, I'll keep quiet."
e "As I take him around the cubicles of the space in which I work, the bosses walk past us, leaving the conference room."
e "I courteously bow lightly, as I always do out of habit. This time, however, my brother is the center of their attention."
e "Some of them stare for a long time, and I start feeling uneasy about taking this odd presence there..."
e "Although I really shouldn't, since I'm the boss and I'm just showing the place to someone who's going to be working here. Shoo, anxious thoughts!"
e "He is nicely dressed and just displays some odd behavior, after all... right?"
{ ... }