Hi airenrin! Thanks for the great response!
I'm a bit torn on how to approach the opening, as I've envisioned it several ways over time. I think this version of the opening I wrote is a bit slower and eases the reader in a bit more, but going by your advice of checking out light novels at some point could be a good way of assessing whether I want to take that route. However, I never really did catch that a Western audience would prefer a much more intense opening, so I should consider that as well.
You have a really good point about fight scene writing. I'm always afraid of not being descriptive enough so I probably overcompensated, so I could probably ease up on the action stuff's descriptive levels. There is no gameplay component within this scene, since the story is a kinetic novel, unless you were referring to something else?
Judging by your other notes, it looks like there were certain details I wasn't clear on with regards to worldbuilding that I should make sure to point out within the chapter. For some answers to some of those questions, if you're curious:
-Okay, I completely screwed up in my language during that chapter and called the facility they're at a restaurant. The location that the characters are at a special facility made specifically for VStrife. Anyway, that's actually why they can house these machines: that's the primary service that location provides. As a result, it would also imply that anyone at that place is there to play or observe VStrife.
-Virtual reality in this future is pretty widespread and has also advanced quite a bit from what we have right now. In my vision of it, consumers and companies and such have different levels of access to the technology, generally based on price range. In general, most people do not own machines to play VStrife, especially since they would be expensive and it's primarily a team game anyway. As a result, machines are usually hosted by local businesses or facilities and stuffs.
-VStrife is pretty big in terms of pop culture impact and the company that maintains it does well. In case if you're curious: the company that maintains VStrife makes a lot of its money through the sale of machines to local businesses. I don't have a complete breakdown of the expenses, hence why you haven't seen me mention anything like pay-to-play and stuff.
Those are just some quick answers to some of the things that you were wondering that I just overlooked in actually explaining within the chapter, I can add those in though. Obviously, some of that may change and there's a bunch of stuff I still have to figure out, but I'm glad you mentioned those things.
Yeah, Alex meshing in real easily with the team at first is a bit of a stretch. Interesting that you note the scheduling/job difficulties as a conflict, that's actually part of the group's conflict later on!
Anyway, thanks for the detailed response! I'll keep those things in mind as I improve the chapter!