Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

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Curtid21
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Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

#1 Post by Curtid21 » Wed Aug 08, 2018 5:50 pm

Hey all,

I'd just like to thank everyone who's helped along so far, including Musick, TigerAlpaca, and the nearly 40 other people who gave my First Script a read on my last thread. I've since finished my second route! And I'm totally looking forward to anyone dropping a helpful comment on the work for a project known currently as Destined

Destined is about a young, college student facing an identity crisis. He's struggling to find out who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be in life. Feeling pressured by society, he meets an array of people in tough situations. Through each person he finds out a key to his character by how he interacts with them.

This new script is Marishan's route. A bold, young fencer conflicted about how her past reputation affects her future and the small squad she struggles to lead. I had fun with this one, and it comes with 4 potential endings.

Hope you enjoy!!! Any and all feedback is majorly appreciated. Thank you!
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Marishan Script.pdf
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"Are you ready?"
Ready as I'll ever be.

Xanedis
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Re: Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

#2 Post by Xanedis » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:25 am

I read until the fifth day, I think? I'll give my thoughts on this.

While it seems that you're going for the standard "tabula rasa" MC that can be molded according to the player's ideals(nothing wrong with that, it can be an excellent way to do things if done right), your writing and knowledge(whether speculative or apparent) of the material(fencing and Machiavelli's writings to give two examples here) make this script stand apart from any random script that I've read. The writing flows well, the characters' speaking patterns are excellent, very much like those of a real person. And while I feel like I could read some anime stereotypes into M and Marishan, they were still their own characters.

If I had to point out any weaknesses in the script... well, sometimes the characters' sentences felt like they had clipped off(almost as if we weren't given the complete thought, leaving some parts of the conversations feeling kinda stilted). Also, the first part about the fencing ring was kinda confusing, probably because I couldn't see any art. Still, I have a feeling that adding some descriptions of the surroundings could go a long way - but you should be the one decide what to do about my feedback.

All in all, the script was a pleasant surprise. I'm glad to be able to give even this minute amount of feedback. I'm sorry that I couldn't read longer, I can't focus for too long - especially if I've only just done mental work(I did a lot of writing today).

Xanedis
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Re: Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

#3 Post by Xanedis » Mon Aug 13, 2018 8:03 pm

I should clarify that your main character didn't actually feel like a blank slate, but rather a person with their own way of seeing and interpreting things(this sort of logical or emphatic way of seeing things, depending on what kind of choices you make). I felt that was an important point to emphasize. What I meant by "tabula rasa" here is that the character can be played in a way which fits many different molds, without his character ever reaching a final, definite form. But that's just from my having read the first four chapters. It is a naive opinion, please keep that in mind. I recommend getting more feedback.

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Curtid21
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Re: Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

#4 Post by Curtid21 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:19 pm

Xanedis wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:25 am
I read until the fifth day, I think? I'll give my thoughts on this.

While it seems that you're going for the standard "tabula rasa" MC that can be molded according to the player's ideals(nothing wrong with that, it can be an excellent way to do things if done right), your writing and knowledge(whether speculative or apparent) of the material(fencing and Machiavelli's writings to give two examples here) make this script stand apart from any random script that I've read. The writing flows well, the characters' speaking patterns are excellent, very much like those of a real person. And while I feel like I could read some anime stereotypes into M and Marishan, they were still their own characters.

If I had to point out any weaknesses in the script... well, sometimes the characters' sentences felt like they had clipped off(almost as if we weren't given the complete thought, leaving some parts of the conversations feeling kinda stilted). Also, the first part about the fencing ring was kinda confusing, probably because I couldn't see any art. Still, I have a feeling that adding some descriptions of the surroundings could go a long way - but you should be the one decide what to do about my feedback.

All in all, the script was a pleasant surprise. I'm glad to be able to give even this minute amount of feedback. I'm sorry that I couldn't read longer, I can't focus for too long - especially if I've only just done mental work(I did a lot of writing today).
Hey Xanedis, thank you reading and replying to my work. I love feedback, and I'm certainly looking for the most right now. You're not alone so far in mentioning about the description. I've been thinking about how I describe scenes more often then before, but it's true that I intend to focus on the art and audio to fill those gaps.

I'm glad you like the writing so much though. This is my first big project and also my first time scriptwriting. Lately I've been honing in on conservations I've had with different friends and acquaintances in an effort to make the writing become realistic. There are definitely some moments in the script that relate to similar feelings I've had in my personal life, making them fun/easy to write.
"Are you ready?"
Ready as I'll ever be.

Xanedis
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Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:20 pm
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Re: Read and Critique: Destined - The Second Script!

#5 Post by Xanedis » Tue Aug 14, 2018 7:30 pm

I'd love to continue reading your script little by little and giving a more detailed opinion on what I personally feel works for me, and maybe answer "why" I think it works for me as an individual. I can't do it too much, but I'll try to do a little bit of reading depending on my energy levels. :P

And remember to notify me if you have a new script(for this particular route) so that I can keep up to date concerning your writing.

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